I’m about to share something that not many people have seen before. I’m about to show you a photo of my back.
Some people will be surprised to read this. “Zan, what’s up?” you might be asking. “Isn’t this something that you’re always trying to hide? And now you’re coming out into the open with it?” Truthfully, I’m kind of surprised myself. I’ve thought about it in the past—wanting to illustrate what my back looks like after I wrote about having corrective surgery for scoliosis, and how I have a long scar—but I just couldn’t. I don’t like how it looks; I’m very self-conscious about it.
I participated in a Flickr group called What Do You Want?, and one of their weekly challenges brought the idea back into my mind. One of the challenges was to take a photo of: “A part of your body that you’re unhappy with.” They also ask you to “photograph it in such a way that you actually grow to like the photo,” which I think in this case might be a bit of a stretch. But the decision wasn’t just about this photo challenge, of course. After all, I’m the one who makes the decisions about what does and doesn’t get posted on my website.
I actually have a fear that people might look at it and feel disgusted, or think, “Wow, I’m glad that’s not me.” Maybe that’s unfair, but maybe not. I will say, absolutely truthfully, that it was very difficult for me just to take this photo. I’ve never attempted to take a picture of my back before. I’ve looked at it in the mirror, of course, but I knew that I wouldn’t like to see the display on a camera screen—not to mention sharply magnified on the computer.
I literally took about fifteen shots. I would take one, and then look at it…no. I would try again…no. I was getting frustrated. I didn’t cry, but I felt like it. Finally I just stopped and decided to pick one of the ones that I’d already taken. After all, it wasn’t going to get any better. I either had to do it, or just forget about it completely and pretend that I never had the idea in the first place.
So if that’s the case…why am I doing this? I’ve written about how even though my back is better than it was before I had surgery, it doesn’t look “normal.” I’ve also said that I’m self-conscious about wearing formfitting shirts, and have posted photos like this. The truth is, there have been many times where I’ve been impressed and influenced by the candidness of other bloggers, and the things that they decide to reveal about themselves. So for me, this is about not covering up. This is about me not hiding.
If you look close, you will notice how the scar itself, my spine, is straight. But during the corrective process, a rib on my right side was pushed out. I can’t believe I’m doing this…
(** Update: this entry is now cross-posted as a feature on Indie Bloggers.)
11 Comments
Well, I couldn’t prove it was a photo of you, but I am often not that observant. From what I know of you, it would be impossible not to know you, and you know that can’t be bad! Because you’re you, you’re lovely.
How incredibly brave of you
And for the record, I think you look great. I think everyone’s their own worst critic, and imagines monstrous things where something pretty innocuous lies.
Agreed that everyone is their own worst critic. It took me awhile to even figure out what you were talking about (the pushed out rib and all). It’s different, but it’s not that bad
Im so proud of you Lil Marc!!! FOr you to this this is a big thing, so again, thats awesome!!
And of course, you look beautiful, as always.
I’m with Kate. Bold move. You’re obviously comfortable with who you are and that’s awesome.
Thanks for the comments, guys. You’re right—we usually tend to be harder on ourselves than other people are. Maybe that’s another reason why I decided to do this. And although I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s because I’ve suddenly become comfortable with myself, it’s not a bad thing to have some sense knocked into our heads sometimes. I’ll try to keep these comments in mind in the future.
Hi Honey! I think you are beautiful and I am very proud of you for doing this!!! It took a lot of courage:)
Very brave, Zandria…and what I said in my post several months ago…
….also, acts of bravery–taking one step at a time–lead to what we fear becoming less frightening with each mile we walk…
That is really brave! I don’t think it looks bad at all. You’re beautiful, your back doesn’t change anything about that. Besides, scars make people a little more interesting.
BTW: You’re SO thin! Wow! But I’ve seen your fridge!
)) I understand.
BTW2: I love your PJ’s!
I am SOOO behind, I’m sorry.
I am so proud of you for doing this, in your place, most people probably wouldn’t.
I think you are beautiful just the way you are!
Bravo to you for being so brave & candid about your scar. And yes, we are our worst critics.
A few years ago I had a minor surgery that left me with a scar on my chest. I’m very self conscious of it and even looked into laser treatments to minimize the scar but in the end decided against it. It’s a part of me now and it reminds me of what I’ve been through.