I’m about to share something that not many people have seen. I’m about to show you a photo of my back.
Some people will be surprised to read this. “Zan, what’s up?” you might be asking. “Isn’t this something you’re always trying to hide?” Truthfully, I’m kind of surprised myself. I’ve thought about it in the past — I wanted to illustrate what my back looks like after I wrote about having corrective surgery for scoliosis, and my long scar — but I just couldn’t. I don’t like how it looks; I’m very self-conscious about it.
I have a fear that people will look at it and feel disgusted. That may be unfair, but maybe not. I will admit it was very difficult for me to take this photo. I’ve never attempted to take a picture of my back before. I’ve looked at it in the mirror, of course, but I knew that I wouldn’t like to see the display on a camera screen — not to mention sharply magnified on the computer.
I took about fifteen shots. I would take one, and look at it…no. I would try again…no. I was getting frustrated. I didn’t cry, but I felt like it. Finally I just stopped and decided to pick one of the ones I’d already taken. After all, it wasn’t going to get any better. I either had to do it, or just forget about it completely and pretend I never had the idea in the first place.
So if that’s the case…why am I doing this? I’ve said before that my back is better than it was before I had surgery, but it doesn’t look normal. I’ve also said that I’m self-conscious about wearing form-fitting shirts, and I’ve posted photos like this. The truth is, there have been many times where I’ve been impressed and influenced by the candidness of other bloggers, and the things they decide to reveal about themselves. So for me, this is about not covering up. This is about me not hiding.
If you look close, you will notice how the scar itself — my spine — is straight. But during the corrective process, a rib on my right side was pushed out. I can’t believe I’m doing this…