Monthly Archives: February 2007

I’M NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT

27thFebruary2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

There have been a few times over the past several years where I’ve thought that now might be the time. Now might be the time that I’ll be open to meeting someone. This usually happens right after I’ve moved to a new place. It happened when I moved to California in 2005. I thought about it again when I moved back to Virginia a year later. And it crossed my mind once more when I moved to the DC area last October. But then something happens. A month or two goes by. I look around and I start to think, “Is this the place I really want to be?” And once those thoughts arrive I immediately reevaluate the whole meeting-someone scenario. Whether it’s right or wrong, I can’t help thinking that if I’m not sure this is where I want to be, then this shouldn’t be the place where I go out of my way to meet someone. (What if I met someone but still wanted to leave? What if I felt like I was being held back?)

I know, in my head, that this isn’t exactly sound reasoning. There’s a possibility that I could meet a person with a similar restless spirit, someone who likes the idea of living in different places. Maybe I would meet a man who would inspire me to go somewhere I’ve never considered. But I just haven’t been able to get past these thoughts. So far it’s been a fact that once I start questioning my current living situation, I lose interest in pursuing members of the opposite sex.

I started wondering, however, if these thoughts were simply an excuse. Is my fear of feeling “held back” by someone really just masking a fear of commitment? This is a deduction that other people have made, but I don’t think my feelings are due to being commitment-phobic at all. I even did a little research, just to make sure.

In Elina Furman’s book, Kiss and Run, she lists 10 Signs You’re a Commitment Phobe. (I also found this list quoted on multiple websites.) If her conditions are to be believed — if these really ARE the Top 10 signs — then I can finally prove I am not commitment-phobic. Because not one of the things on her list applies to me.

1. You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
[No. I have certain preferences and things that I definitely would not put up with, but my list is neither long nor elaborate.]

2. You go from one short-lived relationship to the next.
[No.]

3. You have a habit of dating “unavailable” men.
[No. I also don't date "available" men.]

4. You consider your married friends’ lives boring and think they settled for less.
[No. My married friends would probably consider my single life more boring than their lives as a married couple.]

5. You stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little hope of commitment.
[Obviously not.]

6. You back out of plans at the last minute and have trouble setting a time for dates.
[No. If I tell someone I will meet them, I do.]

7. You cultivate large networks of friends at the expense of a single romantic relationship.
[No. I have real-life friends that I love, and a network of blog-friends, but I don't cultivate them in order to have a substitute for a romantic relationship.]

8. You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past.
[No. My longest-relationship record still stands at two months. No trauma.]

9. Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships.
[No. My job is okay, but I don't work overtime or kill myself in order to achieve and succeed at all costs.]

10. You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.
[Again: obviously not.]

So if I’m not commitment-phobic, how else do I explain my behavior? I can’t say it’s because “I just haven’t met anyone,” because the truth is I don’t look. (And it’s hard to find someone if you’re not putting forth even the tiniest bit of effort.) I wonder if it can be explained through my happiness with singlehood, or if there’s something else there.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (16)

SPEED DATING

21stFebruary2007

(Note: This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Speed dating. It has a reputation as an event where interesting things can happen. (A television heroine looks stricken as date #6 describes his recurring nasal drip, having just suffered through #5′s cloud of halitosis.) I’ve never tried speed dating myself, and I wanted to find out what people really think about it. Would I ever do it? It’s a possibility. At least if I find it awkward to talk to someone I have an excuse to get up after just a few minutes.

From MSNBC: The organizers of a weekly NYC newsletter, called Pocket Change, took speed dating to another level when they specifically screened for pretty women and rich men. The organizers claim these people would get together anyway, and they’re just helping to facilitate that encounter.

“Why wealthy men and beautiful women? The reason that we’re doing this is because we really attempted to simplify dating,” said Jeremy Abelson of Pocket Change.

“I definitely would agree with some people who say … how can women be judged for their beauty and men just for their wallet,” said Ana Maria Nacvalovaice, fellow speed dater. “Coming to an event like this allows me peace of mind that the people who are here tonight have been carefully screened.”

Hilary attended three speed dating events as research for her article, and assumed a different persona at each. She lists some of the pros and cons of speed dating, including:

You can ask pretty much whatever you want right away. If you don’t like the answers, you don’t have to waste any more time talking to the person.

Ms. Armstrong takes it for granted that the people she talks to might not be telling the truth about themselves.

I was pleasantly surprised that out of my twelve dates, only about three could be classified as “freaks,” while the remaining nine were actually nice, normal, attractive people. Though one of my friends, (possibly jaded by his own speed dating experience,) continually reminded me, “They’re all lying. Sure, sure he’s a doctor…Next week you’ll find out he’s unemployed and lives with his parents…in New Jersey!”

I can now say I went on a date with a man who has played at Carnegie Hall. Who cares if he was overly bitter about the 8-10 hours he spent in the conservatory every day for as long as he can remember? (And I’m not ashamed to admit I googled this one just to be sure he wasn’t unemployed living with his parents in New Jersey.)

When abarclay12 needed to get away from the man she was talking to, she used an interesting excuse:

I told Joe I had to get home to my infant son Tobias, who had spinabifida and was born with no tailbone. With my eyes still watering, I told Joe that Tobias was also born with a rare, but extremely horrific facial acne condition. I’d been putting proactiv in the breast milk I’d been pumping, but so far, it was only getting worse. I also said that the doctors were sure Tobias had smallpox, but the medication to save him would only complicate his polio. I was sorry, I told Joe, but I really had to go.

But abarclay12 does feel there’s an advantage to speed dating. She says it gives her the opportunity to try out several occupations.

Typically, the first or second question asked is, “So what do you do?” At first I dished out the truth: teacher. For whatever reason, guys love teachers. But then the truth got old, so I came up with some real doozies. I was a senior budget analyst, then a florist. I was a flight attendant, then a horse trainer. I was a quality control inspector, then a travel nurse.

This made me wonder: why would people bother making up stories? From Bridges, I discovered that people make up stories because otherwise it’s extremely boring to say the same things about yourself over and over and over (which does seem understandable).

Speed-dating is draining! You try to keep up your good side for all the people you meet, and you feel sorry for the last ones, because after a few drinks and many, many “how are you, what do you do” you just want to start answering questions by one of the following:

“well, it was my parole officer’s idea to get back on the dating scene…”

“My husband insisted we try this…oh, look, there he is! HI HONEY!!!”

“Why don’t I start by telling you about my childhood…It all started when…”

LondonGirl was simply bored.

One guy confessed that it was a big deal for him to be out on a Thursday anyway as “there’s a lot of good comedy on BBC2 on a Thursday”. Right. Clearly not heard of setting the video then. And clearly not a hugely spontaneous individual either.

Samantha, however, believes in the possibility for chemistry:

The speed dating phenomenon really banks on the fact that people will know whether they “click” on some level in only a few minutes. I actually think that, for the most part, this is correct. The most terrifying part of blind dating, as far as I can see, is knowing in the first two minutes of the date that you aren’t and won’t ever be attracted to this person, but you have to spend the next two hours with them anyway. Speed dating alleviates that agony. You only have to survive for eight minutes. And if that works out, there’s a pretty good chance that if you take a chance on two hours, at least it won’t be torture.

MissE has many speed dating adventures under her belt, and after “Speed Dating Adventure # 10 or 11″ she came up with a list of what makes the opposite sex see you as a “date or a mate.” Her theory: if you’re considered a date (based largely on personal attractiveness), you will get a follow-up; mates (friend, buddy, pal) will not. So how do you know if you’ve been relegated to “mate” status? Don’t try to be a comedian.

Both of you spend a large portion of the conversation having a good laugh. Apparently this doesn’t equal “Date” for the majority of guys, instead it equals “Mate”.

The author of this piece over at the SexySmart blog has never tried speed dating, and she doesn’t have any desire to.

As curious as I am about meeting new people and especially about watching people who are curious aim their arrows at the wrong people, I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around the concept of “dating” someone for six minutes and waiting to see if he also thought me interesting enough to see again. Because as my many years of experience with six-hour dating have taught me, about the only thing I can learn about a person in six minutes, is NOT whether I’d want a second date with them, but only if I’d want to sleep with them. Have the clubs and bars all closed?

So what kind of people try speed dating, anyway? Mia is a host for a speed dating service in Manhattan, and she says it’s not about desperation.

Busy professionals are the people that sign up for speed dating. They are tired of the bar/club scene and they have busy and demanding careers that doesn’t leave much time to find a mate and date. So with speed dating they can meet potential dates for about the same price they would spend going seeking at a bar or club. And I’m talking good looking people with really good jobs.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (5)

BANK OF AMERICA: CREDIT CARDS FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS?

19thFebruary2007

(In a departure from the Singles beat, I decided to write about a current event. This is cross-posted on BlogHer.)

A controversy erupted when it became known that Bank of America would allow people without social security numbers to apply for a credit card. There have been strong reactions to this news, with many people seeing it as an endorsement for illegal immigration. Some are closing their accounts in protest. This is currently a pilot program with 51 banks in the Los Angeles area, but it’s expected to roll out on a national basis sometime this year. Customers would have to have a Bank of America account for at least three months, without any overdrafts, before they can apply. Unsurprisingly, there are a variety of opinions about this in the blogosphere.

But first, an explanation from the Los Angeles Times:

The credit cards are not aimed specifically at illegal immigrants, a bank spokeswoman said, but instead people who lack solid credit histories.

The bank’s program may be controversial, but it also vividly demonstrates that businesses view the country’s estimated 12 million illegal immigrants not as lawbreakers but as customers.

They point out that Bank of America isn’t the first corporation to offer products and services to people without social security numbers.

Other major banks including Wells Fargo & Co. and Citibank have launched similar initiatives to gain customers in the burgeoning Latino community. Wells Fargo began a pilot program last year in Los Angeles and Orange counties to offer home mortgages to immigrants who have lived in the United States for at least two years. The customers are allowed to identify themselves using taxpayer numbers issued by the Internal Revenue Service.

Marisa, a supporter, says this is another way in which immigrants will be helping our economy, not hurting it.

[T]his bank sees a viable business opportunity with people, regardless of their citizenship, who still spend money — thus adding to our economy.

It wasn’t that long ago that the national pizza chain, Pizza Patron, made headlines because they announced they would accept pesos from their customers in payment for pizzas.

If there really was concern about illegal immigrants costing the U.S. money, then one would think that more effort would be made to tap into this group’s spending power and labor potential.

Deb is another supporter:

What is clear from this move is that the banking industry sees the Latino community as potential customers and people who should be integrated into the financial mainstream of American society, regardless of their status as residents of the U.S. The question is, can the rest of the nation follow their lead?

The Weary Consumer is worried about possible repercussions:

What I don’t understand is how Bank of America can get it away with that — I work in a bank, and this would clearly violate the Patriot Act. One of the stipulations of the Patriot Act is you have to know your customer. You have to have ID, you have to know where that person lives, you have to have a general idea of where the person’s money is coming from, and you have to have strategies in place to prevent money laundering, etc.

And who’s going to end up paying for all those defaults on the credit cards? The Bank of America customers who pay their bills like me and you.

Carolyn feels this is the wrong move. She canceled her Bank of America credit card and made sure to tell them why.

Personally I am outraged that any American company would do what Bank of America is doing, and that they can continue to do this without any legal repercussions. This amounts to allowing them to discriminate against legal American citizens in the offering of credit, by giving illegals much easier rules to qualify for these credit cards than are required of legitimate residents.

Sugarplum doesn’t like the idea, either:

Do not cancel accounts quietly. If you are going to cancel an account (which I encourage), do so in the branch office, explaining that you do not want them funding illegal immigrant purchases. Also, the Bank of America lets their customers wire $3000 to Mexico EACH MONTH, free of charge.

Jan is opposed to it, too, but it’s because she sees this move as a form of immigrant exploitation. (Applicants will have to pay a higher-than-normal interest rate in order to have a card.)

I simply think it’s immoral. If laboring under high-interest debt — where the interest accrues in larger amounts than the minimum payment — isn’t modern-day slavery, I don’t know what is. BofA is aiming specifically for those people who, because they are undocumented, are already most likely to be taken advantage of — paid less money for the same work — and under the table. They are people who can potentially lose that work at any moment in an immigration crack-down. How far do you suppose late fees will be allowed to accrue and interest compound on their unpaid credit balances then?

It’ll be interesting to see what, if any, impact the negative opinions and account closings will have on Bank of America’s decision. Will they alter their plans? Should they?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (7)

VALENTINE’S DAY: LOVE AND HATE

13thFebruary2007

(Note: this is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I’ve never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, so I’ve never really done anything special to celebrate. There have been card exchanges with friends and chocolates from my parents when I was little — but the holiday has never been a big deal to me. The upside to this is that I don’t get depressed when this “holiday of love” rolls around. I treat it as just another day. But, unlike me, there are many people out there who have strong feelings: the thought of Valentine’s Day can easily bring about a love/hate response.

But first, a few things that I found interesting:

15 percent of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.

More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other month.

Women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines.

One billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making it the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas.

[Although there are more women than men in the world]…For every 120 single men who are in their 20s, there are 100 single women in the same age range.

Source

Katie resents the message that she has to be given permission to do something nice for herself. When she saw someone on TV telling all those depressed single gals to get out and “Do something nice for YOU,” she had this response:

Oh, really? Can I, please? Because all of these floggings I give myself on a daily basis for being such a loser-y single can get tiring and it seems a day off might be nice.

I’ve been single a long time and I’ve never felt any want when it comes to the “festivities” of Valentine’s Day: I don’t protest by wearing black, I don’t speak about it like “The Black Day of Death,” there is no gnashing of teeth or rending of garments, and I certainly DO NOT skulk and mope.

I also liked what Katie had to say about commercialism:

I think it’s an amazingly crafted scheme generated by Hallmark and picked up on as “something to talk about” by the media to validate the “greatness” that is Valentine’s day — let’s face it, one single person means one less person receiving that too-expensive Hallmark card with a sappy sentiment scotch-taped to a heart-shaped Whitman’s Sampler adorned with a red satin ribbon. I’m not sure, but nothing says romance like a totally corporate gift.

Dcrmom doesn’t agree with the commercialism of Valentine’s Day either, but she’s more conflicted about it since she enjoys receiving gifts:

So here we are, once again, on the brink of Valentines Day. [My husband and I] haven’t discussed it yet. If it does come up, we will likely tell each other, “Don’t spend any money on me.” And we will both mean it, probably him a little more sincerely than me. Ahem.

…when all is said and done, we will be satisfied that we did our American duty to boost the economy while at the same time attempting to rekindle the romance that all too often gets trampled on by demanding kids and the hectic grind of the day-to-day.

Although down deep inside, we will know that we sold out, once again, to Hallmark’s grand scheme to rule the world, one commercialized holiday at a time.

Heather is no longer single, but she remembers having some strong feelings in the past:

I resented all the commercials for diamonds. I banged on the keyboard when I got those e-mails from FTD Florist guilting me because someone wasn’t buying me a dozen red roses. I wanted to send them hateful notes thanking them for rubbing it in. I wanted to organize groups of angry, single women to picket local stores.

Nurse M doesn’t think people should show their feelings on just one day. She asks, “Which person will you be?”

Everyday should be treated like V day… everyday we should show the person we love that we care, yet unfortunately we don’t. We save it up for that special day. Expectations are high. Feelings are often hurt and others left disappointed. Some will walk around with a glow, while others will stomp around saying how much they hate this commercial holiday. You will hear “I hate Valentine’s day,” (but on the inside hopes of someone sending something). “Her flowers are better than mine, but I guess it is the thought that counts.”

An9ie worked in her sister’s flower shop in Australia one Valentine’s day (a holiday which falls in the middle of summer on that side of the globe), and gives us a florist’s perspective.

Florists love and hate Valentine’s Day. They love it because it’s the one day of the year where they earn enough money to pay off all their debts. They hate it because they have to work their butts off and they know they won’t get any sleep the night before.

And, finally, I found this report about how there are many Valentine’s flowers coming in from other countries that have been dosed with toxic chemicals. Flowers coming into the U.S. can’t have bugs on them, but they’re not tested to see if they contain chemicals. Also, Forbes says that “the average lovestruck consumer will spend nearly $120 on Valentine’s Day this year.”

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (15)

I Prefer to Call it “Selective”

7thFebruary2007

(Note: This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

When it comes to the men we choose to date, there are a number of reasons why women are accused of being “too picky.” This assertion is often valid, since initial attraction is largely influenced by physical features. A lot of men never get a second look simply because we don’t see anything there that immediately makes us think, “Hmmm…” But when it comes to personality, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having standards.

These personal standards can go the other way, too. For instance, I realize that some men might be turned off when they find out that as of this past December I eat a mostly-vegan diet. I think this is the right lifestyle choice for me and I’m not preachy about it, but I realize it might scare away certain meat-eating males.

Maybe they’ll think that dating someone with different food preferences would be too much trouble, or maybe they just don’t trust a person who wouldn’t enjoy a nice, juicy steak once in a while. But if I’ve hurt my chances of meeting a man who only wants to date a meat-eater, that’s not someone I would care to get to know anyway (just like with someone who would expect me to change my last name).

Some people make lists of things they want or require in a partner. Looks, jobs/money/goals, personality characteristics. I don’t have a physical list, but I imagine most (if not all) single women know what they do and don’t want in a potential partner. I’ve seen too many examples of what I don’t want — especially when it comes to relationships engaged in by people I care about — to know what I would and would not put up with.

That’s why I think it’s good to have standards; characteristics that I’ve told myself in advance that I would require someone to have. It’s not about being dismissive or “picky.” It’s about knowing what you want, liking yourself enough to know that you deserve to have that type of person, and not settling for anything less. Like Alexis said:

The reason that most of us are single is not that we are picky, it’s because we are highly selective.

There are certain things that are beyond a man’s control: going bald; having back hair. There are some things that I could deal with: tattoos; a piercing (as long as it wasn’t in a nipple or, ahem, down there). I have preferences: solid life and career goals; taller than me; beautiful eyes (the easiest way to make me weak in the knees); a sense of humor; gregarious enough to encourage me to come out of my shell — but not so much that he can’t stand to sit still. Then there are the absolute deal breakers: cheating, lying, racism, sexism, homophobia; a bad temper; addicted to drugs; deep in debt because he can’t control his spending; talks down to me or makes fun of me in a demeaning manner; raises a hand to me physically.

The only thing about the “absolute deal breaker” is that these things might not be readily apparent for a while, whereas the things in the other categories are easier to see. That part worries me: the possibility of not discovering certain undesirable characteristics until I’m so “head over heels” that I make excuses for that person’s behavior. I can tell myself that I would never do that, but who can ever say for sure until they’ve actually gone through it?

I did, however, have a deal-breaking date last summer, which I was able to bring to an end very quickly.

(Note: I couldn’t believe it! After I had this post completely written, I read Liz’s post on dating dealbreakers. We must be on the same wavelength right now.)

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (7)