(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
There have been a few times over the past several years where I’ve thought that now might be the time. Now might be the time that I’ll be open to meeting someone. This usually happens right after I’ve moved to a new place. It happened when I moved to California in 2005. I thought about it again when I moved back to Virginia a year later. And it crossed my mind once more when I moved to the DC area last October. But then something happens. A month or two goes by. I look around and I start to think, “Is this the place I really want to be?” And once those thoughts arrive I immediately reevaluate the whole meeting-someone scenario. Whether it’s right or wrong, I can’t help thinking that if I’m not sure this is where I want to be, then this shouldn’t be the place where I go out of my way to meet someone. (What if I met someone but still wanted to leave? What if I felt like I was being held back?)
I know, in my head, that this isn’t exactly sound reasoning. There’s a possibility that I could meet a person with a similar restless spirit, someone who likes the idea of living in different places. Maybe I would meet a man who would inspire me to go somewhere I’ve never considered. But I just haven’t been able to get past these thoughts. So far it’s been a fact that once I start questioning my current living situation, I lose interest in pursuing members of the opposite sex.
I started wondering, however, if these thoughts were simply an excuse. Is my fear of feeling “held back” by someone really just masking a fear of commitment? This is a deduction that other people have made, but I don’t think my feelings are due to being commitment-phobic at all. I even did a little research, just to make sure.
In Elina Furman’s book, Kiss and Run, she lists 10 Signs You’re a Commitment Phobe. (I also found this list quoted on multiple websites.) If her conditions are to be believed — if these really ARE the Top 10 signs — then I can finally prove I am not commitment-phobic. Because not one of the things on her list applies to me.
1. You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
[No. I have certain preferences and things that I definitely would not put up with, but my list is neither long nor elaborate.]2. You go from one short-lived relationship to the next.
[No.]3. You have a habit of dating “unavailable” men.
[No. I also don't date "available" men.]4. You consider your married friends’ lives boring and think they settled for less.
[No. My married friends would probably consider my single life more boring than their lives as a married couple.]5. You stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little hope of commitment.
[Obviously not.]6. You back out of plans at the last minute and have trouble setting a time for dates.
[No. If I tell someone I will meet them, I do.]7. You cultivate large networks of friends at the expense of a single romantic relationship.
[No. I have real-life friends that I love, and a network of blog-friends, but I don't cultivate them in order to have a substitute for a romantic relationship.]8. You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past.
[No. My longest-relationship record still stands at two months. No trauma.]9. Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships.
[No. My job is okay, but I don't work overtime or kill myself in order to achieve and succeed at all costs.]10. You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.
[Again: obviously not.]
So if I’m not commitment-phobic, how else do I explain my behavior? I can’t say it’s because “I just haven’t met anyone,” because the truth is I don’t look. (And it’s hard to find someone if you’re not putting forth even the tiniest bit of effort.) I wonder if it can be explained through my happiness with singlehood, or if there’s something else there.
16 Comments
maybe you just have little interest in dating, and that’s fine. but i think you’ve got some kind of issue about dating, although probably not fear of commitment. (maybe fear of intimacy?) because it makes no sense to me to not date because you might move away in a year or two.
let’s look at it this way: to the extent that you would like to date, what about it interests you? is it solely the prospect of finding a long-term or permanent mate? is there really no point in dating unless you are ready for a long term commitment, or do you see any benefit in forming an emotional and romantic bond and sharing companionship with someone for as long as it works for you both? for that matter, does it not appeal to you at all to just go out and have fun with a cute boy who makes you feel butterflies in your tummy?
if the answer is that you really aren’t interested in giving up the single life for those things, then no worries. there’s no need to date if you don’t want to. but if you are interested in those things but end up talking yourself out of it based on things like “i might not want to spend my life in dc” then i think there is something else going on.
one thing that makes me think i’m on to something with the fear of intimacy is how differently you and i feel about dating. i love everything about dating, from scoping out boys to flirting to first kisses to falling in love, just everything about it. if i had to analyze why, i think it’s largely because i’m an intimacy whore. so it makes sense that if the intimacy whore loves dating, maybe the person who goes out of her way to avoid dating is afraid of intimacy.
I posted about this recently, working from the viewpoint of Gail Saltz, from the Today show, and it seems like she and Elina Furman are on the same page about this fear. As it pertains to you? I think it’s okay if it doesn’t. It’s easy to pigeon-hole someone into having this condition or that, but the state of contentment is just fine, too, I think. :)
At one point in my life, I did worry about having to chose between my country-hopping lifestyle and “settling down”, and that prospect made me quite uninterested in dating.
Luckily I never had to chose. My husband and I did have to make certain leaps of faith – moving to be with each other earlier than (well-meaning but different from us) friends thought was prudent, but really even if things hadn’t worked out, it’s not like the moves would have ruined either of our lives. And now that I have a partner to bring with me on all my adventures, I sometimes wonder how it was ever any fun alone.
But that’s just my story. Do what works for you, and don’t get talked into thinking there’s something wrong with you just because you don’t match some sort of “normal” dating pattern. It’s way better to be happy than to be normal.
(I haven’t read anyone elses comments)One important point comes to mind for you….
It’s because the more time goes by the easier it becomes to talk yourself out of it. It doesn’t have a thing to do with where you live or that you think you might not be there forever. It becomes easier to live without it. Your brain tells you that you don’t need it. Prove it wrong, Z!!
I don’t know. I’m a proponent of when it happens — it happens whether you’re ready for it or want it or not.
I think you know when you are ready — and you are SO young yet — I’m jealous that you have no desire to settle down and be in a “relationship”. Know what that says to me? You are comfortable with yourself. And that’s a very cool place to be.
If you don’t want to — don’t. There are no rules to anything…no “everyone else is so why shouldn’t I”…as long as you are comfortable with what you’re doing who says you have to have someone to share it with?
I jumped into ‘commitment’ too young and settled. If I had a do over — I’d have waited until I was in my 30′s.
Celebrate who you are and the things you like to do. That’s all that really matters. The rest will come.
Signed,
So wise at 39 (laughing),
tam
I found your blog through Gather while looking for others who are participating in a 101 project. I think it’s one of the best blogs I’ve read and I subcribe with the Google Reader. So-Hello!
I felt compelled to comment today because I too am a single girl who is not interested in dating. I am 30. I work odd hours. I have been in long term realtionships but, according to the the 10 signs above, I am also not a comittment-phobe. I have casually dated in the not too distant past-on match.com even! I didn’t meet anyone special, but I didn’t have any bad experiences either. I work at a large university so there are always plenty of new people around to meet.
So why am I not on the make? I enjoy being single. Would I give up being single for the right person? Absoultely. Am I going to spend time hopping from one meaningless relationship to another being miserable beacuse society pressures me to find someone, get married, and settle down? Hell no!
I agree with Tammy. When it happens, it will happen. I have faith that it will, not knowing when is part of the fun.
I think having no interest in the ritual of dating is just part of one’s personality. Some people don’t like chocolate. I don’t get it, but I respect their decision. Kudos to you for living your life the way you want and speaking out about it!
ElizaB
Maybe you’re just restless. That’s okay. Have you read the Anderson Cooper book yet? If not, you should. He has interesting thoughts on staying in one place.
I think one of the problems with how we see our singleness, Zan (as I am in much the same boat as you travel in, in this respect), is that so many people around us commit…and society expects us to commit…and we often see ourselves as not meeting the expectations that society has for us, as opposed to the inner, personal expectations that we have for our own lives…and for our own relationships. The one fallacy that society pushes off on we the Willfully-Single is that we are running out of time…that there is a set period of time in which we should…even must find that special someone and settle down. This is remarkably untrue (unless one is considering having children, and then there are biological limits put on our viable time to hook up, and multiply :). But why can’t a person meet their ideal mate in their 40′s, or 50′s as easily (or perhaps more easily, since we know ourselves better as we get older…or at least we should) as they can in their 20′s? And how sad, with the divorce rate at over 50%, to simply settle as we age, because we fear our lives will be empty and devoid of worth if we are single into our middle age…how many have made such a mistake, and wished with all their might that they had stayed single, and looked just a little while longer for their partner. So Zan, you are fine…you are wonderful, and you are excelling in Life. And you are smart, and personable and lovely, and should you decide one day (no matter how many solar revolutions lie between this day and that) to settle down, and search out that mysterious world of the Coincidentally-Single Male, you will have more men to choose from than stars in the Milky Way. :) Sorry, I am feeling unusually poetic tonight! :) So never fear, Zan, as the Stones sing, “Time is on our side”! CR
Zan forgive me, a few more thoughts, after reading the other folks’ comments….there are people who thrive on being alone (I am making no assumptions here–this is a generic statement, though it does apply to me, usually)….who are more comfortable with casual dating, than with going through one intense, deep, rewarding (or draining–it can be a fine line) relationship after the next. There is nothing wrong with being this sort of person…to anyone who out there for whom this applies, please know there is nothing wrong with being this sort of person…I think the most important thing in an individual’s life, after the health and welfare of those around you that you love, is that you are true to yourself, and live your life in a way that keeps you as content, and fulfilled, and challenged as is possible. Ok, enough from me!! :)
There is a time and season for everything. Enjoy the one you are in until it changes whether relationship-wise or geographically. You cannot cross either bridge before you are there. Also, your grandfather worked hard many years before he decided to find a wife and start a family…at age 57.
I like what Tammy had to say on this subject; I don’t know you well at all, but her observations in a general sense sound right on point!
And truthfully, I envy your ability and tendency to move from one place to the next. I’m a complete wanderluster at heart, and if I myself hadn’t ended up in an unexpected relationship (note: I’m not complaining about this–just pointing out the “ifs”), I would have really loved to do what you’re doing in these years. A big part of me was thinking about and excited about doing some moving around to new places once I was financially grounded enough to do that.
If you like city- and region-hopping and are able to do it, fantastic! Do it while you can! And if dating just doesn’t appeal to you right now, who cares? Like I said, I’m with Tammy: it will happen when it happens or when you’re ready to seek it out, and until that time comes, enjoy the things that you love and are even better able to do single!
P.S. Your mom sounds very wise too. : )
My mom leaves wise comments on my blog too — but she hides as LyM (Love, Your Mom). Hee hee.
Tam
What a deal… Don’t worry. Even at 40, 50, 60, some men will still find you (many women) attractive, delicious, stimulating. They just may not want to make babies with you when you get old.
I’m single too, and have been (I realized just now) for over four years. And I’m totally fine with it. Like some of the others who’ve commented, I think that things like that will happen when they’re supposed to.
I certainly feel some societal pressure to meet someone, get married, PROCREATE already, but man oh MAN, I’d be unhappy if I’d done that (gotten married and had kids) with any of the guys I’ve been with in the past.
As far as I’m concerned, what matters is whether I AM happy with the way my life is going. Anyone who thinks they can dictate my happiness can, frankly, piss off.
So what I’m saying, in a rather long-winded way, is…if you’re happy Z, then that’s what counts.
It may be too late to leave a comment on this, but well I found your blog only yesterday.
I Can totally understand what you are saying. I always feel like am I looking for Richard Bach’s perfect women from “Bridge across for ever”. One thing i have realized though is, I am not afraid of commitment, but more afraid and apprehensive about the person whom I may end up committed to.
I may be writing this into the lonely depths of cyber-space given it has been two months since the original post…but oh well, I have to comment, even just for my own benefit.
I stumbled across this blog because I was doing “research” about why I am single. I am 26 and have only had a few very short term relationships and no sex. I have no religious beliefs or past sexual trauma to explain my abstinance. I am social and confident in most other parts of my life. I even for the most part enjoy my single life. I usually go through waves of “I wish I could find someone” and “I love being able to do what I want when I want.” But now that most of my friends are in committed relationships or married, the feeling of loneliness is stronger because I am alone more often, and not of out choice, but because no one is available to spend time with. I do have one single friend who I spend a lot of my time with. He happens to be a man and I am attracted to him but in our two years of being single friends and spending a lot of time together alone. I do not know why nothing has happend between us. What I do now is that this is a trend. I have had three other relationships with guys just like this. When and if I get the gumption (or foolishiness) to say something about how I feel — the friendship ends. I am also not a committment phobe, other than working way too much, which I think is an effect of the loneliness, I don’t fit any of those symptoms. I do really want to find someone. I want to have someone to spend my down time with, someone that I can talk to everyday about nothing in particular, someone who looks and me and feels good just because I am theirs. So why I am still alone does not make sense.
Switching gears here — I was struck by the fact that you move around a lot. I too move around, From FL to NY to CA to AZ back to CA and I am making plans to move either back to NY or to New Orleans in the next year. When I move I feel that this is going to be the time and place that I find someone to spend my time with.
So back to why I am single, I think it is fear of intimacy. I am afraid particularly of physical intimacy. I think that is a growing problem. Each year that I do not date or am not in a relationship becomes another year to put on my “years that I have been alone” ticker. As the number grows so too does my feeling of oddness, that others will find me odd. As if the number becomes some rating of my normalcy. My 27th birthday is coming up and I have felt very sad about it. That is why I have started “research” so that I can try to take some action on it.
A lot of my friends tell me that it will happen in time. And it honestly does make me feel better. But I know that it is not true as long as I am subconsciously closing myself off to finding someone. I don’t know. I am not sure if any of this helped (you or me) but there it is for what it is worth.