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(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I grew up in a Baptist church-going family: father and mother, two sisters, two brothers. We attended church every Sunday and Wednesday, up until the time I was about 15. Even though a majority of the church members and other people we hung out with at the time were white, it didn’t end up making a difference years down the road.

My parents split up when I was 16, and my mother is remarried to a black man. One of my sisters has dated a black man. And the girl that my 18-year-old brother is currently seeing is black. I met her for the first time a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t told anything about her skin color until she walked in the front door. Nobody felt the need to mention it in advance. It was a non-issue for them and they knew it would be the same for me.

But that isn’t the case for everyone.

Even though attitudes have become more accepting over the years, people involved in interracial relationships sometimes tell a different story. After all, don’t we tend to be accepting of certain situations as long as they don’t involve us directly? What about when it’s your child?

Ashley had this experience:

As a small child I grew up learning racial etiquette through my schooling and peers. Some came from my parents, however my parents have some racial tendencies. One day I came home from school and mindlessly mentioned to my mother that I had an African American boyfriend. Immediately I realized my “mistake” as she jumped on my explaining the “biological reasons” that I should not engage myself in an interracial relationship. She told me that when “interracial relationships” decide to have children there are precautionary actions that need to be taken. She continued with how much discrimination that the child would receive because it was biracial. And being as she is a registered nurse, I just assumed she knew what she was talking about.

Lizzie is in an interracial relationship, and most of the time she doesn’t even think about it. But sometimes she has to — like when other people feel the need to make an issue of it. I like the way she handled this situation:

I don’t get up in the morning and think to myself, Hey, I’m in an interracial relationship. Race is such a non-issue for me in my daily life that I don’t really think about it at all. But occasionally, I am reminded. [...]

Deep down I knew where her contempt came from. It appears that the old lady was uncomfortable with the fact that the person whose hand I was holding has a skin color that just so happens to be darker than mine. Eh. Whatevs. Maybe a few months ago that would’ve really bothered me. I would’ve dwelled on it until I could dwell on it no more. I would’ve wondered out loud to anyone that would hear me (and probably on this blog), why is it that we’re still getting upset about a person’s skin color? It’s 2007, not 1960.

So what did I do? Did I say anything to the old lady?

No, I didn’t.

However, I did give her the biggest smile ever. Why? Because I’m happy and in love and that’s really all that matters.

Deliciously Naughty, a white woman, is married to a man from India.

[Being open to different ethnicities]: Sexyhusband isn’t my first interracial relationship. I’ve dated White guys, Latino guys and Asian guys. I was always open to dating African American guys and flirted with plenty, but never ended up dating one. At the end of the day, I’ve always been more attracted to intelligent, snarky, sexy guys. And while there are physical traits that I look for and find more attractive, I’ve never closed myself off to a race.

[Difficult times]: My experiences with interracial friendships and relationships haven’t been all roses and rainbows though. I am sad to admit that I have a great aunt who doesn’t believe that I should be friends with people of color, much less date outside my race. [...] Sexyhusband makes sure that I am the person who hands our passports to the customs agents because he doesn’t get searched on suspicion of being a terrorist when I do.

Young Miss Williams says that interracial couples can make it as long as they have a common culture.

I believe that as long as the two individuals share a common culture, which is deep rooted in both of them, it should work out fine (provided they get on with all that relationship work that needs to be done!).

By ‘common culture’ I do not mean race or ethnicity but a sub-culture of some sort, something that ties the individuals together on more than just common interests or liking one another — a common identity that they share within society.

Julie, in the context of supporting gay relationships, uses this example:

There was a time when interracial marriage was feared and prohibited. Back when blacks were not allowed to intermarry with whites, similar arguments were made: against nature, the Bible, reason, sociological norms. Eventually intermarriage became a moot point because the younger generation was never persuaded by those arguments.

Rachel is working on a dissertation on the subject of interracial relationships.

When it comes to Black/White interracial relationships my research indicates, that White women face the most family opposition of all of the race/gender groups. The tactics used to show opposition in White women’s families are often more extreme. They appear to be the group most likely to be disowned or disinvited when they enter interracial relationships.

Some White women’s families worry that an interracial relationship would make them less attractive to White men after they were left all alone by Black men. Implicit in this belief is that White women’s interracial relationships won’t last, and when they do end, White women won’t be able to find anyone to date or marry.

Aaryn and her partner adopted an African-American daughter, and she talks about what happened when she encountered racism at a park. A man made an offhand comment about blacks “rolling into the neighborhood,” even though she knew he could tell she had a black child. She had this to say after the fact:

As an interracial family we regularly intercept ridiculous comments as they pertain to both adoption and race; sometimes we handle them better than others but even with ongoing practice, we still haven’t completely acclimated to being such public property. This particular interaction, however, was the kind of direct hit we’d read about, knew was inevitable and for which there is no preparation as it pertains to emotional injury. Not internalizing it is a challenge.

Mole333 described what happened when his friend, a black male, went to Japan and fell in love with a Japanese woman.

He fell in love with a Japanese woman and married her. But within that sentence was years of difficulty as her family fought tooth and nail to stop their relationship. Rumor had it that they had even considered hiring thugs to convince him by whatever means necessary to give up the idea of marrying their daughter. In the end love won out and her parents accepted, however grudgingly, their marriage.

In his post, Mole333 pointed out this video from Current TV. Made by a Korean-American female, she talks about having a long-term relationship with a black man but not being able to tell her parents about it. When she finally got up the nerve to tell her mother, her mom freaked out. Neither one of them has told her father.

Even though I’ve never been in an interracial relationship myself (based on my track record, this isn’t surprising), I’m glad I don’t have to worry about a lack of support from family and friends. Dating is hard enough as it is.

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

In Greek mythology, Atalanta broke with convention and refused to settle down until she finished her education and saw the world; when Atalanta finally did marry, it was on her own terms.

Sounds pretty good, right? If you agree, you’re not alone. Women in their 20s are being identified as “Atalanta’s” (more specifically, females who are “single, independent, educated, upwardly mobile and in no rush to wed”) after a recent study found that women in this age group have many of the same beliefs, goals, and interests. This global study of almost 6,000 women was commissioned by JWT Worldwide and conducted by Millward Brown during summer 2006. Since it was a global study, it’s interesting to note that putting off starting a family to focus on the “me” years isn’t just an American phenomenon — the responses come from participants in 9 countries.

Some people bristle at the thought of being lumped into a designated target group with a catchy name. But then, if you look at the characteristics of the group, it’s kind of funny how they relate to you.

Nearly two-thirds of single twentysomething women…agree that it is not unusual for a woman to remain unattached into her 30s.

[A]lmost a third of the respondents plan to postpone childbirth until their 30s, and more than a quarter say that they would have kids without a partner; 12% of respondents say they don’t plan to have children.

Many of the statistics in the study are pretty straightforward. We already know that it’s much more commonplace now for women to remain unattached into their 30s and postpone childbirth until later in life. I was a little surprised at the number of respondents who said they don’t plan on having children at all (12% of the total, and 17% of Americans). I’m not surprised the women will be childless by choice, but it’s a higher number than what I’ve seen in previous studies.

[T]oday’s young women balance modernity with tradition and strong, cherished links to family. They are more highly educated than generations past, and they have access to more and better jobs. They see careers as their natural right, with modern medicine allowing them to delay childbearing well into their 30s.

The sample was made up of 5,946 respondents. the U.S. (2,143), the U.K. (1,501), China (500), France (500), Russia (500), Australia (302), Mexico (200), Brazil (200) and the Netherlands (100). The average age of respondents was 24.3. 51% were both single and unattached, and 90% identified themselves as heterosexual.

Five trends were identified as a result of this study:

1. Single motherhood by choice will become more common

Not so long ago it was not possible for an unattached woman to deliberately plan to have a child. But that has changed significantly: A quarter of respondents (26%) say they would have children without a partner. Though most of these women will not go on to have a child on their own, their openness to the idea indicates that single mothers by choice will become a growing niche in the next five to 10 years.

Even though single motherhood is more accepted, 56% of respondents see themselves being married by their late 20s, with the 26-30 age bracket being the preferred target zone for between 50% and 60% of respondents (in all countries except China, where 68% selected that bracket). If an Atalantan intends to get married, most of them “expect that it will happen before age 36.”

2. I want Hillary — or someone like her — and my SATC — or something like it

High-profile female role models are seen as a key factor enabling female independence, with the strongest agreement on this coming from the U.S., Australia, Mexico and China. “Media-friendly attitudes toward women” are also seen as a strong enabling factor contributing to female independence, and specifically “media portrayal of single women (e.g., Sex and the City).” Though Sex and the City’s finale aired three years ago, Atalantas continue to look for a comparable replacement that not only reflects their reality but influences it. They also look for role models who are passionate, dedicated and even obsessive about achieving their goals, like U.S. Senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton.

If Hillary gets the Democratic nomination for the 2008 presidential election, the race will be very interesting indeed.

3. They’re nesters, not nightclubbers

Living a life in constant motion, Atalantas seek refuge in the home. Their key challenge is finding a balance as they juggle work and/or school, family, friends, relationships, fitness and entertainment. Many feel they have little time to sit back and relax. It’s no surprise, then, that twentysomething women are more inclined to describe themselves as home-loving than clubbers.

Does this explain the rise in popularity of home-design websites, magazines, and TV shows? We stay at home, so we must make it our sanctuary?

4. The power of peers prevails

Atalantas look to their peer networks, both real and virtual, for advice on everything from cars to cosmetics to clothing. According to the survey, Atalantas emerge as almost equally balanced between career-minded and friend-focused. And at this stage in their lives, they tend to live with others from their peer group, especially in the U.K. (42%) and Australia (35%), where “flat sharing” is part of the culture.

“Flat sharing” isn’t for me. I like living by myself. But Atalantans do like to consult our real and virtual peer networks for advice, entertainment, and inspiration.

5. Flirting with extremes

This population feels a push-pull between living a life of free-floating exploration and one dedicated to getting ahead unencumbered. Their personalities tend not to veer to one extreme or the other: They are carefree and spontaneous one minute, responsible and thoughtful the next. Respondents describe themselves as slightly more “anything goes” than the more controlled “maintaining standards,” but at the same time they believe themselves to be somewhat more organized than impulsive.

And we’re not as egotistical as some people think. There was widespread agreement (4.1 on a scale of 1-5) in response to this statement: “I understand that I can’t have it all. There are obligations that must come first before personal pursuits or pleasure.”

Single is the new normal. However, although Atalantans are taking advantage of the “me” years, a majority of women still plan on getting married at some future point in time. But it’s not such a large majority as it would have been a few decades ago: 13% say they don’t plan to ever formally tie the knot (“including 30% of the French and 22% of the Dutch”). I’m just glad that studies like these confirm that either choice is acceptable.

(The results of this study are not available online; I received a detailed summary from an employee at JWT. All quoted material comes from that summary. The study was entitled: “Twentysomething Women Challenge the Tenets of Young Marriage and Motherhood” and the quotes are reprinted by permission of JWT Worldwide.)

I’m going to Chicago this summer. For this:

The details are out. And, as I discovered, hotel rooms in Chicago are pretty expensive. Several hundred dollars per night expensive. I would still want to go regardless, but the money adds up quickly. Especially if you want the flexibility to stay longer and actually see some of the city while you’re there.

So then…(slaps forehead)…I remembered that I KNOW someone who LIVES in Chicago. Hello! Aren’t the best accommodations the ones where you can stay with friends, for free? Someone who can recommend where to go and how to get there?

I fired off a message to a very nice man named Nate, who I’ve met several times (we have a mutual friend in common), and he got back to me with an affirmative — I’m very welcome to stay. He lives on the opposite side of town from the venue where the BlogHer conference will be held, but it’s easy to get there using public transportation. A $4-per-day commute sounds a lot more manageable than spending big bucks to stay in a hotel.

This will be fun.