(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
I don’t bond with my friends through fat talk, but I might be in the minority. It’s a popular — too popular — subject; a way for women to commiserate and forge friendships. If women are eating in a restaurant and one of them wants dessert, there’s likely to be a rationalization process involved. My opinion is, if you want dessert, order it. There’s no need to rationalize it by listing all the “good” things you’ve had to eat today. Making unhealthy food decisions doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Unfortunately, fat talk is a popular subject.
From MSNBC:
“We have found in our research that both male and female college students know the norm of fat talk — that females are supposed to say negative things about their bodies in a group of females engaging in fat talk,” said study co-author Denise Martz.
“Because women feel pressured to follow the fat talk norm, they are more likely to engage in fat talk with other females.”
They hypothesize that women engage in fat talk to show support for each other; it allows females to appear modest because they’re putting themselves down (while at the same time wanting the other person to respond with reassuring words).
“If there are women out there who feel neutrally or even positively about their bodies, I bet we never hear this from them for fear of social sanction and rejection,” [Martz] said.
Rachel acknowledges the truth in this report, but asks: “This is news?”
I mean, it isn’t as if women’s magazines and television commercials don’t already overflow with articles on celebrity weight-loss tips, diet plans, and features on dressing thinner. Hallmark even prints weight-loss motivation cards.
Dieting, besides being a multi-million dollar industry, has become a female bonding rite-of-passage.
Faith is in recovery from an eating disorder, and she can relate to fat talk all too well.
It is, in fact, normative in our society to be discontented with one’s female body and not sharing in this normative experience leads some of us to be seen as less feminine — oddly enough. I would no more get into one of these discussions than I would move to Pensacola but they are so incredibly pervasive. Just today a co-worker said something about another co-worker who was on a fad diet and then, “I should go on it too, I’m so fat.”
This leads me to the effect it has on those of us who are eating disordered. [...] I was confident that I didn’t have a problem. I told my eating disorder therapist, who I was referred to (maybe a clue here?), that I was not bulimic. I mean, everyone talks about being fat. Everyone talks about what you had on your salad, or feels proud that she ate only 4 ounces of blueberries today. (I was so good today!). Everyone throws up once in a while. Right? Ummm…no.
Midnight Raider offers tips for how to deal with a fat talk situation.
Redirect the conversation: If someone mentions her “pear-shaped body,” start discussing the sweet Bartlett pears you purchased at the supermarket.
Offer a positive: Rather than saying something negative about yourself, say something positive about someone else in the group. Compliment his/her clothing, hairstyle or glowing skin.
Focus on health: If you feel you must join in the “fat talk,” try focusing on your health. Discuss how you’d like to exercise more or eat more vegetables.
Mom on a Mission says it isn’t wrong to talk about our bodies and food choices, as long as the focus is on health, not self-degradation.
I think that encouraging each other to make healthy life choices is a great thing. We should be here to educate and support each other in our choice to be who we are or wish to be. [...] It is when we put ourselves down, even under the guise of joking and “connecting” with each other that we start heading in the wrong direction.
Megan Leigh‘s mother owns a health food store and her sister teaches people how to eat healthy. She knows this is what we should focus on, but sometimes she can’t help engaging in fat talk.
I know that I have been guilty of fat-talk in public. I did it today. I gave a detailed description of the result of trying on an old pair of jeans that contained the words “muffin top”, and was happy when my friend knew what I was talking about. It feels good to bond with your sisters in the feelings of inadequacy. It flows off our tongues. When there is a lull in the conversation, talk about your thighs, that’ll help.
Stephanie, from Back in Skinny Jeans, says it’s harmful to participate in fat talk.
How many times have you been in one of these fat chats and then ended up feeling crappy and hard on yourself? It’s loads of times because the negativity begets negativity. Ladies, the way to a healthier, happier you is through energizing talk. Talk lively and lovingly about your body. Brightness begets brightness.
Women don’t need any more excuses to feel bad about themselves. If a friend says anything to me about her weight or food intake, my response is simply, “You’re beautiful.”
12 Comments
Yuck. I think I might be in the minority with you, because fat talk bugs me. I would much rather have a positive conversation with a girl friend than dwell on how much weight we could lose and wallow in self-pity. I don’t have time for it.
But I do understand the stigma that we can’t talk positively about our bodies – it would therefore be perceived as bragging, no?
Without bragging, I’d like to say that I am actually content with my body. So should every woman.
I have a lot of slender friends and I have to admit when they complain about being fat around me I just want to be like, “You must think I am an orca whale or something!”
From someone who struggles with eating issues, self image etc… I sure wish that everyone would just make a truce with themselves, throw their arms up in the air and start a trend toward complete and total self acceptance no matter what. Now that would be revolutionary!
p.s. I am glad to have discovered your blog Zandria!
must. not. comment. arg, i can’t help it. this is a huge pet peeve of mine.
yes, yes, all women should love their bodies sooooo much. beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. we get it. some of us still don’t love our bodies, and we are never going to. all the pressure to pretend you love your body is bad enough — now it’s even worse. it’s not bad enough that we are made to feel inferior for not being enlightened enough to love our bodies, if we dare to try to discuss our feelings with those who are supposed to be our friends, then we are HARMING others. how feminist. let’s silence women from talking about their feelings so they don’t contaminate us with their negative thoughts. let’s all just put on a happy face and everything will be roses and sunshine! “brightness begets brightness,” ladies! this sounds like a quote from a 1950s issue of Ladies Home Journal.
not to mention, what about the fact that a lot of women ARE fat? unhealthily fat. telling them they are beautiful and sweeping the discussion under the carpet isn’t going to help the huge public health crisis in this country.
I used to work at a place where women were divided into 2 groups : the very very thin one (almost skinny I would say) and the ones with weight-issues; I was in the second group. Weight loss and diet was THE conversation subject every day while we were having lunch together.
Then I lost all my extra pounds, found myself alone in the new “normal weight” group (skinny will never apply to me) and realised that was hell : everybody was looking at my plate. The fat group was commenting on how little I was eating, the skinny girls tried to be encouraging.
That became very upsetting, and since then I try not to discuss weight issue anymore.
Everyone is responsible for their own health ad well-being, and I don’t want anybody’s opinion on what I am eating or on how many pounds I should or should not lose or take.
I don’t like to speak “fat talk”. I have to admit though, food is on my mind a LOT lately, since I’ve been trying to change my lifestyle. But I definitely wouldn’t drag everyone else into it with me; being on the other end of it, I’ve noticed it never ends up getting smiles all round. Better to leave it up to the individual.
Zandria, I LOVE your topic summaries. Stop making me late for school. ;)
After reading through all of the comments posted so far, I have to agree with Jen, she hit the nail on the head. There are skinny people and there are fat people. I being in the 2nd group do tend to discuss it more with friends and we do try to encourage one another. Jen had it right thought that if we are all silenced the trend will continue and easily get worse, especially with the obesity crisis with children. It makes me wonder if the people who are trying to silence those who are overweight are actually skinny themselves. Instead of trying to silence those who need help, maybe they should try to offer some. Women who talk to other women about being overweight and their eating habits do so because they relate to each other.
I attend Weight Watcher meetings religiously. I am only 10 pounds from my goal and will continue going religiously after I reach goal. One thing I have learned is that if I am not thinking about it and talking about it….I am gaining it! There are so many “thin women” in this group that were “fat women”. The body changes but the mind has to stay vigilant. I think as long as the talk is health focused and not all about vanity, it’s ok.
I’m not one of those lucky ones born with a super fast metabolism. I work very hard to stay thin – but that’s not to say I don’t still find flaws with my weight, cellulite, etc. Whenever the fat talk started I could never participate because I would have been seen as ridiculous. Sometimes I felt like an outcast. With age and maturity I can see that was definitely a good thing. Had I been able to join in I would have likely further damaged my already fragile self esteem.
On the cross-post at BlogHer, Denise left a link to a post called Fat-Free Talk.
Jen: I agree with what you in some respects, but I think you’re reading too much into what I (and these other women) were trying to say. Granted, it’s pretty much impossible for any woman to love her body. And if a woman is feeling bad about herself and has a valid complaint she wants to share, sure, she can say something to her girlfriend(s). But a majority of this “fat talk” is not what you’re talking about. It’s female co-workers sitting around at lunch, eyeing what other people are eating (or not eating), and complaining about their weight just to get a confirmation that no, they’re not huge. I’m not saying that we should never engage in fat talk. Just that there’s too much of it, and for the wrong reasons.
I agree with Courtney — it helps me to talk about weight with others, for support and healthy ideas. What I don’t care for is when people are fishing for compliments — “Oh, I’m so fat” — when they know they aren’t.
it’s not just fat talk. i’ve noticed lately with a couple of people i work with that they bond over their chronic illnesses. they could talk for long periods of time about what their doctors have said and the food they can and can’t eat and all the supplements they are on. seems like some people self-identify as ‘chronic illnesses and proud’ or something to that end. i guess as beings with an ego, we tend to label ourselves in some such way. if only folks could focus more on the positive and aspects they appreciate about themselves. what a multi-facted human experience, eh?