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(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I grew up in a Baptist church-going family: father and mother, two sisters, two brothers. We attended church every Sunday and Wednesday, up until the time I was about 15. Even though a majority of the church members and other people we hung out with at the time were white, it didn’t end up making a difference years down the road.

My parents split up when I was 16, and my mother is remarried to a black man. One of my sisters has dated a black man. And the girl that my 18-year-old brother is currently seeing is black. I met her for the first time a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t told anything about her skin color until she walked in the front door. Nobody felt the need to mention it in advance. It was a non-issue for them and they knew it would be the same for me.

But that isn’t the case for everyone.

Even though attitudes have become more accepting over the years, people involved in interracial relationships sometimes tell a different story. After all, don’t we tend to be accepting of certain situations as long as they don’t involve us directly? What about when it’s your child?

Ashley had this experience:

As a small child I grew up learning racial etiquette through my schooling and peers. Some came from my parents, however my parents have some racial tendencies. One day I came home from school and mindlessly mentioned to my mother that I had an African American boyfriend. Immediately I realized my “mistake” as she jumped on my explaining the “biological reasons” that I should not engage myself in an interracial relationship. She told me that when “interracial relationships” decide to have children there are precautionary actions that need to be taken. She continued with how much discrimination that the child would receive because it was biracial. And being as she is a registered nurse, I just assumed she knew what she was talking about.

Lizzie is in an interracial relationship, and most of the time she doesn’t even think about it. But sometimes she has to — like when other people feel the need to make an issue of it. I like the way she handled this situation:

I don’t get up in the morning and think to myself, Hey, I’m in an interracial relationship. Race is such a non-issue for me in my daily life that I don’t really think about it at all. But occasionally, I am reminded. [...]

Deep down I knew where her contempt came from. It appears that the old lady was uncomfortable with the fact that the person whose hand I was holding has a skin color that just so happens to be darker than mine. Eh. Whatevs. Maybe a few months ago that would’ve really bothered me. I would’ve dwelled on it until I could dwell on it no more. I would’ve wondered out loud to anyone that would hear me (and probably on this blog), why is it that we’re still getting upset about a person’s skin color? It’s 2007, not 1960.

So what did I do? Did I say anything to the old lady?

No, I didn’t.

However, I did give her the biggest smile ever. Why? Because I’m happy and in love and that’s really all that matters.

Deliciously Naughty, a white woman, is married to a man from India.

[Being open to different ethnicities]: Sexyhusband isn’t my first interracial relationship. I’ve dated White guys, Latino guys and Asian guys. I was always open to dating African American guys and flirted with plenty, but never ended up dating one. At the end of the day, I’ve always been more attracted to intelligent, snarky, sexy guys. And while there are physical traits that I look for and find more attractive, I’ve never closed myself off to a race.

[Difficult times]: My experiences with interracial friendships and relationships haven’t been all roses and rainbows though. I am sad to admit that I have a great aunt who doesn’t believe that I should be friends with people of color, much less date outside my race. [...] Sexyhusband makes sure that I am the person who hands our passports to the customs agents because he doesn’t get searched on suspicion of being a terrorist when I do.

Young Miss Williams says that interracial couples can make it as long as they have a common culture.

I believe that as long as the two individuals share a common culture, which is deep rooted in both of them, it should work out fine (provided they get on with all that relationship work that needs to be done!).

By ‘common culture’ I do not mean race or ethnicity but a sub-culture of some sort, something that ties the individuals together on more than just common interests or liking one another — a common identity that they share within society.

Julie, in the context of supporting gay relationships, uses this example:

There was a time when interracial marriage was feared and prohibited. Back when blacks were not allowed to intermarry with whites, similar arguments were made: against nature, the Bible, reason, sociological norms. Eventually intermarriage became a moot point because the younger generation was never persuaded by those arguments.

Rachel is working on a dissertation on the subject of interracial relationships.

When it comes to Black/White interracial relationships my research indicates, that White women face the most family opposition of all of the race/gender groups. The tactics used to show opposition in White women’s families are often more extreme. They appear to be the group most likely to be disowned or disinvited when they enter interracial relationships.

Some White women’s families worry that an interracial relationship would make them less attractive to White men after they were left all alone by Black men. Implicit in this belief is that White women’s interracial relationships won’t last, and when they do end, White women won’t be able to find anyone to date or marry.

Aaryn and her partner adopted an African-American daughter, and she talks about what happened when she encountered racism at a park. A man made an offhand comment about blacks “rolling into the neighborhood,” even though she knew he could tell she had a black child. She had this to say after the fact:

As an interracial family we regularly intercept ridiculous comments as they pertain to both adoption and race; sometimes we handle them better than others but even with ongoing practice, we still haven’t completely acclimated to being such public property. This particular interaction, however, was the kind of direct hit we’d read about, knew was inevitable and for which there is no preparation as it pertains to emotional injury. Not internalizing it is a challenge.

Mole333 described what happened when his friend, a black male, went to Japan and fell in love with a Japanese woman.

He fell in love with a Japanese woman and married her. But within that sentence was years of difficulty as her family fought tooth and nail to stop their relationship. Rumor had it that they had even considered hiring thugs to convince him by whatever means necessary to give up the idea of marrying their daughter. In the end love won out and her parents accepted, however grudgingly, their marriage.

In his post, Mole333 pointed out this video from Current TV. Made by a Korean-American female, she talks about having a long-term relationship with a black man but not being able to tell her parents about it. When she finally got up the nerve to tell her mother, her mom freaked out. Neither one of them has told her father.

Even though I’ve never been in an interracial relationship myself (based on my track record, this isn’t surprising), I’m glad I don’t have to worry about a lack of support from family and friends. Dating is hard enough as it is.