Monthly Archives: April 2007

FERTILE WOMEN WANT MANLY MEN

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

This is just silly. According to a study that took place at the University of Stirling in Scotland:

A woman prefers a more masculine man when she is fertile and looking for a fling rather than a mate for life…

The finding suggests the value that women place on masculinity changes with context and with women’s reproductive cycles and immediate goals.

They took these women, at various stages of their menstrual cycles, and showed them pictures of different male body types. Some of the pictures were of manly men, while the others were more “feminized.” The researchers asked the ladies to rate their own attractiveness, as well as the male body type they would prefer for a long- or short-term relationship.

Fertile women chose the masculine version of each image 15 percent more often, on average, than women who were not fertile. [...] The effect was strongest if they were looking for a short-term partner rather than a long-term one, and if they considered themselves attractive.

Choosing a certain image 15% more often doesn’t sound very impressive. But if they did get a higher percentage, it would have worried me.

Previous research has shown that women view facial masculinity — square jaws and well-defined brow ridges — as good characteristics for short-term partners, while more feminine traits are perceived as better for long-term mates. [...]

Men with hard bodies and sculpted jaws may therefore have better genes for producing better babies, so it would make sense for fertile women to be attracted to them.

What I don’t understand is someone who would look at pictures and say, “Give me that hard body for a short-term fling and the soft-bellied geek for life.” Why wouldn’t the hard bodied man have just as good of a chance as the “feminized” man? What if Mr. Hard Body is a teddy bear who would treat you like gold, and Mr. Soft Body enjoys hitting on your friends? Their explanation:

[W]omen tend to prefer more feminine body types when they are less fertile, probably because high levels of testosterone makes men less likely to stay around.

Research suggests that men who are less masculine tend to invest more in relationships.

This just seems like a huge generalization. I’m sure there are plenty of testosterone-filled men out there who are content with staying in short-term relationships. But does that mean I’ll purposefully bypass a manly man if I’m looking for something long-term, or point at a picture of a feminized male body and say, “That’s the body of the man I want to marry?” Hell, no. Pictures don’t tell you anything about a person.

If they wanted to make more generalizations, they could say that women who dye their hair blond and get breast implants are better for short-term relationships, too. And that might be true for some women — but certainly not all of them. Maybe they should do a new study: I would be interested to see if manly men and “feminized” men have been surveyed to see what percentage are actually in happy, long-term relationships.

Money Habits of This 20-something

I’m the interviewee this week for Nina Smith‘s weekly column at BlogHer, where she finds people of various backgrounds and asks 10 money-related questions. While writing the answers, I realized this is a good example of how I don’t normally bring up certain subjects unless I’m specifically asked. It’s not that I mind talking about it, but some of the answers are things I wouldn’t randomly volunteer.

So here are some of my feelings and attitudes about money (including some of my current spending habits), maybe more than you wanted to know (check out the original post if you want to read Nina’s introduction paragraph).

1. It has been reported that the current twentysomethings could be the most indebted generation in modern history. What’s the cause of all this debt? (Spending, sense of entitlement, school loans, etc.)

It’s a combination of all those things. Everybody is different, so the reasons a person is in debt have to do with their particular life-situation. My attitude toward money is influenced by the fact that I grew up in a rural area, with a working father and stay-at-home mother, and was home-schooled for eight years.

On the flip side, I enjoy reading Heather’s posts, and I think her financial experiences are typical of many 20-somethings, but it’s hard for me to relate to her experiences. Instead of pulling out my credit card when I see an expensive purse or pair of shoes, the price tag makes me want to faint and I walk away.

2. What is your most significant memory about money?

That there wasn’t an overabundance of it when I was growing up. We never wanted for any of our basic needs, but my dad is very thrifty and doesn’t like to spend money unnecessarily if he can help it. He’s never owned a brand new car and he still lives in the house where he lived as a child. I think his thriftiness rubbed off on me: in general, I’m more a saver, less of a shopper.

3. What is your worst habit around finances?

In general, I think I have pretty good habits. I save money. I’ve never been in credit card debt because I pay off my balance in full every month. I don’t care about keeping up with all the latest trends.

But my worst habit, one that I know I should address, is not understanding what is happening to what I do have. I’ve read all those articles about how women don’t pay attention to what’s going on with their finances, and I know I’m guilty of that but I haven’t taken the steps to change it. My savings are in a high-interest ING account, but other than that it just sits there. I don’t have a separate IRA account, and I don’t know anything about stocks or investments or whatever.

4. I read that you bought your current car when you were 19, but have since paid it off and plan to keep it for a long time. What are your thoughts about having a car payment and other monthly expenses like cable service?

Yes, I was 19 when I bought my 2000 Honda Civic brand new. I paid it off three years later. I always took very good care of it and kept up with the maintenance schedule, and I would have kept it for a long time if it hadn’t been for a crazy drunk man slamming into me and totaling it. (And then he abandoned his car in the middle of the road and ran away on foot. It was quite exciting. Especially when he was apprehended a few weeks later.)

I think having a car payment is fine if you can afford it and that’s what you really want, but I told myself that if I ever replaced my first Civic I was going to get something used. I replaced the 2000 Civic with a 2002 model. I haven’t had a car payment for four years so I was looking for something I wouldn’t have to finance but that would still be reliable (and also look good — that’s important, too). So I paid for it using my insurance settlement and a little extra from my savings.

As for other bills: I don’t have cable at home because it’s not worth it to me to pay the high price when I live by myself. I work at night, Mon-Fri, so I’m not home when any of the interesting nighttime shows are on, anyway. Six months ago I switched from a monthly cellular plan that I was hardly ever using to a prepaid plan, and that has already saved me hundreds of dollars. That option might not work for some people because they talk on the phone more than I do, but it’s far less expensive for me to pay by the minute than have tons of time left over that I never use. I do pay for a telephone line and DSL at home, though. I have to have my internet access.

5. You once commented on a post about Money & Matrimony that you think marriage can be economically advantageous for some people, but not so much for others. Can you elaborate on this comment?

I just meant that it depends on the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your husband is. If you’re both upfront about your finances and you’re sharing expenses then, sure, it could work out to your advantage. But what if your partner is a spending maniac and you’re pooling all your money in a joint checking account? What if you haven’t talked about your financial expectations, and retirement, and savings? What if one person has bad credit and it ends up affecting both of you?

6. In your family, you are one of five children. What did this experience teach you about money?

I guess the biggest thing was experiencing how a seven-member family can survive on one income. (I’m the second of five kids: one older sister, one younger sister, two younger brothers.) Sure, we shared things. Families with multiple children are well acquainted with hand-me-downs. We drove station wagons, and later a minivan, to fit everyone in. There might have been less money for certain things since it was spread out between so many people.

But there were advantages to having so many siblings, too. There was always someone to talk to and play with (which was important, since we were being home schooled). And there are pictures of me and my sisters dressing up the older of our two brothers in dresses and makeup. I really consider myself lucky to be part of a large family, especially now that I’m older. I’ve never had a serious altercation with any of them and I know they’d be there for me in an instant if I asked.

7. Have you started saving for retirement? Why or why not?

I think saving for retirement is very important. I worked for Wachovia for seven years, from the time I was in my late teens to my mid-twenties, and I started putting money into a 401k during that time. There was a period of about a year and a half after I resigned that I didn’t contribute to the account — I had moved to California, was job hunting for a while, and worked at a company for six months before moving back to the east coast — but when I started at my current job I started contributing again. I get paid every two weeks, and I have $100 from every paycheck going to my retirement account.

8. I once wrote a post that cited an article where someone’s 94-year-old grandma said, “You’re going to end up single if you buy a house yourself.” Why do you think single women delay the purchase of a home?

A huge factor for delaying the purchase of a home is the cost of real estate. Since I’ve been 18, I’ve lived in Richmond , VA ; Los Angeles county, and the DC metro. Richmond is less expensive than the other two locations, but the real estate market there has gone up pretty dramatically in the past five years, too. If you’re single, you won’t have a dual income to offset the costs unless you bring in a roommate, and not everybody wants to do that (myself included).

The other reason I’ve delayed buying a home is because I want to make sure it’s in a location where I plan to stay a while. I’ve been going back and forth between various locations for the past few years, so it doesn’t really make sense to put down those permanent roots yet.

As for what the 94-year-old grandma said, I don’t think the stigma about a single woman delaying the purchase of a home because she might up end up remaining single is really valid any longer. There has been a huge increase in the number of single women buying homes, and I love that. If I could afford it and knew I was going to remain in an area for a while, I would definitely want to get my own place.

9. What role has money played in your relationships to date? Do men still pay on the first date?

I haven’t had many relationships to date, so money hasn’t been a big factor. I’ve never paid my own way on the dates I have been on, though. I offer, but I’ve never had anyone take me up on it.

I think women have different expectations about what they expect men to pay for. One of my friends had a man regularly pay for her to get acrylic nails and bought her new clothes all the time. Another recently voiced the expectation that if something went wrong with her car and she couldn’t afford to fix it, she would expect her man to step up.

I don’t have a problem with men paying on dates, but as for the other stuff — unless he was rolling in money and genuinely wanted to share it — I would expect to continue taking care of my own expenses. So I don’t purposefully look for a certain income level or a person’s willingness (or lack thereof) to share what he has as a prerequisite for dating someone.

10. Which is more important: how much money you make, how you spend it or where you live?

I would have to say it’s a combination of “how you spend it” and “where you live.” I’m conscientious about how I spend my money, but I’m also not willing to live in a less expensive area just because it’s cheaper. I moved to DC because there were better job opportunities here than in Richmond , and I think employment is a big reason why 20-somethings end up in expensive, congested places like DC, Los Angeles , and New York , among others.

But even though I live in an expensive area, that doesn’t mean I have to live beyond my means — so then it goes back to “how you spend it.” I take my dinner with me to work every night, rather than going out and buying something already prepared. I don’t go shopping very often.

If I’m conscientious about how I spend and save, I won’t have to work at a job that I dislike just because it gives me a higher salary. And that’s very important to me. I’ve had to work at a job in the past that I didn’t like — I was going to college at the time and they were very accommodating with my schedule and generous with benefits. I’ve had several jobs since that one, and I still haven’t reached the same salary level that I was making at the soul-sucking job. But I don’t regret leaving and I would never go back. So even though there’s definitely a minimum amount of money I need to make in order to afford my rent, monthly bills, car upkeep, and daily living expenses, I don’t want striving for money to be the biggest factor that rules my life.

ARE YOUR FRIENDS TOO ATTRACTIVE?

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Have you ever delayed introducing your new man to someone because you were worried he might find that person more attractive than you? It might sound strange, but I don’t think it’s quite so far-fetched.

I’ve had a close friend tell me that she has purposefully put off introducing a new man to her attractive friends. I don’t think she was afraid we would try to steal him from her — we have very dissimilar tastes in guys — but that didn’t seem to matter. And since I was included in the group she considered “attractive friends” (just stating the facts), I can attest that, despite telling her on numerous occasions that she didn’t have anything to worry about, it didn’t seem to diminish her fears.

Are these feelings abnormal? I don’t think so. There are tons of stories out there — in women’s magazines, trashy daytime talk shows, blogs — about a supposed “best friend” stealing the other person’s partner. It’s hard to hear something like that and not have it cross your mind that it could happen to you. It’s not insecurity so much as a possible reality.

But that doesn’t mean you can live your life worrying about it all the time, either. If it’s going to happen, there isn’t anything you can do to stop it. If you succeed in keeping your man away from an attractive friend, that doesn’t mean he won’t see other attractive women when you’re not around — at the grocery store, at the post office. And he’d probably pick up on your feelings if you spend time stressing about it. (I mean, really — what are you going to say when he asks why he hasn’t met your friends yet? “I’m sorry, honey. I’m afraid you’ll think they’re hot and leave me.” And if you’re thinking these things but not saying them out loud, are you being honest?)

Some women don’t mind hearing when their man thinks another woman is hot, but other women prefer not to know. So, knowing this, some guys will tell you the truth if you ask his opinion about your friends — and others, thinking that you might get upset if they told you the truth, or knowing from previous experience that you will, won’t bother being honest.

I’m not completely immune from feelings of insecurity, and I’m not even dating. While hanging out with my two sisters recently, I said that a man I was interested in (at the time) had a nice body. My older sister gave an appreciative-sounding “Rawr!” (I can’t help using that word; it’s fun to write.) Younger sister said, “Watch out, Zan! She might try to take him from you.” Older sister responded, “Whatever! Zan has nothing to worry about!” And you know what? I know that. I not only adore my sisters, I trust them implicitly. But still, there was a split second where I thought to myself, “My sisters are beautiful and glamorous. I could understand why someone would prefer one of them over me.”

So here’s what I think: a big part of feeling insecure is how the information is presented. Let’s say your man meets your beautiful friend and later says to you, “Wow, she’s really hot. Those luscious lips, that incredible backside. Yum!” (Okay, maybe he wouldn’t say “yum,” but you get the idea.)

If, after saying this, he immediately turns around and walks into another room, many women would not consider that appropriate. They would think, “What the hell? Does he think she’s more beautiful than I am? Would he rather be with her? Is he trying to make me jealous?” In that particular scenario, I would have to question his motives.

There is definitely a better way for a man to follow up a favorable comment he makes about another woman. I like this one: “But baby, she could never compare to you. Rawr!” (smooch) That would be all right with me.

(This subject was inspired by Kat’s post, When honesty meets hottie.)

TO HAVE A CRUSH

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

If you have a significant other, is it wrong to have a crush on someone else? This MSN article says you should use the situation to your advantage. Having a crush can:

1. Rekindle the spark.
2. Fuel your fantasies.
3. Brighten a day of duties.
4. Show you a new side of your sexuality.
5. Boost your ego, and not just in the bedroom.
6. Help you shine at work.

After reading the article, RA wrote a response and said she doesn’t completely agree.

What if [my husband] went rock climbing and saw a cute girl at the gym? I would be none too happy if he thought she was attractive and experienced a biochemical reaction as described in the article. I appreciate being affectionate, but I don’t relish the idea that the affection might be motivated by another person. To me, this article seemed to provide an excuse for straying emotions. I’m pretty old-fashioned and I know the crushes mentioned did not trigger any unfaithful action, but just because something isn’t explicitly wrong doesn’t make it a good decision.

I think there are a lot of women who feel the same way as RA — who don’t like the thought of their partner being attracted to someone else. But women, after all, have the same thoughts. Maybe it’s swooning over a man in uniform, or just feeling happier when you see a particular person. Someone you would never touch, but who has the ability to make your heart quicken just a bit.

Tangerine is married, and says that crushes are fine.

[M]y “crushes” help me keep that sexy feeling. I have had crushes on the richer, older, and more attractive. Crushes on the younger, naive and inexperienced. An adult crush, for me is that innocent flirtation thing that happens with the various men I have met. I can instantly develop a crush on someone with a sexy foreign accent. I have witnessed my husband experience “crushes” or flirtations with people. Once it would cause me wild jealousy, but now I have mellowed with age and experience. I know these crushes are part of marriage. Part fantasy, part reality, totally harmless.

Cynthia has crushes as an adult, and she thinks they’re just fine as well.

I’ve found the mature crush to be a lot more fun, because I’ve learned that part of what makes a crush fun is that the crushee (or would that be the crushed?) is unobtainable. [...] A crush lets me enjoy the sizzle of carbonating hormones without the angst of youth or the disparity from my projection that reality would inevitably bring. I can enjoy without really wanting. That combination of appreciation tinged with desire balanced by emotional detachment is a potent one. It lets me enjoy me.

That may be what’s ultimately so addictive about crushes. It’s not really about them, the elusive desired ones. It’s about how I feel, how I can still enjoy the quickening of my pulse, the smile that’s never revealed to the outside, the thought that would never make it to a blog. A crush is a reminder that I am fully alive.

Advice-givers Alisha and Deirdre were asked about crushes, and this is part of the answer they gave:

Deirdre: The thing about crushes is, they’re transitory. They’re often based in illusion, or what you think you know about a person. Once you get to know that person, whatever you found so beguiling in them often fades. Time crushes most crushes.

Alisha: I’m with you on this but for a different reason. If you’re in a committed relationship, then you’re just that — committed to each other. You shouldn’t be macking on someone else. To notice one’s beauty is one thing; to dream about being with a different partner crosses a big line.

Amethyst liked having crushes before she was married. She no longer indulges in them, but admits she sometimes misses that feeling.

A crush for me was not the precedent of a relationship, it was a relationship in itself: a relationship of the mind. [...] With a crush I could practice desire without rejection, a powerful tool for a girl raised to be mortified by dismissal.

Crushes can be thrilling, and I am passionate that crushes should be celebrated in their own right, but they are no practice for the negotiation of a living relationship. So why does it still feel like a guilty secret to admit I crave the thrill of those beautiful people?

Amber has a crush on her husband:

It is not always sweet-nothings.

…But sometimes it is. You see him come in the door from a workout, and his tee-shirt is just a little heavy with perspiration on his very broad shoulders… His eyes are extra green… Sometimes his hands feel so strong and soft in your own, and even sitting in church the smell of his cologne make you think dirty things… When he comes in from work and his arms go around your waist and your face fits right into his neck, and he kisses you quietly before the kids see he is home and rush his legs… Sometimes the only way to describe so perfectly the airy feeling in your diaphragm, is as a “crush”. A crush on your sweetie of fourteen years.