(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
Have you ever delayed introducing your new man to someone because you were worried he might find that person more attractive than you? It might sound strange, but I don’t think it’s quite so far-fetched.
I’ve had a close friend tell me that she has purposefully put off introducing a new man to her attractive friends. I don’t think she was afraid we would try to steal him from her — we have very dissimilar tastes in guys — but that didn’t seem to matter. And since I was included in the group she considered “attractive friends” (just stating the facts), I can attest that, despite telling her on numerous occasions that she didn’t have anything to worry about, it didn’t seem to diminish her fears.
Are these feelings abnormal? I don’t think so. There are tons of stories out there — in women’s magazines, trashy daytime talk shows, blogs — about a supposed “best friend” stealing the other person’s partner. It’s hard to hear something like that and not have it cross your mind that it could happen to you. It’s not insecurity so much as a possible reality.
But that doesn’t mean you can live your life worrying about it all the time, either. If it’s going to happen, there isn’t anything you can do to stop it. If you succeed in keeping your man away from an attractive friend, that doesn’t mean he won’t see other attractive women when you’re not around — at the grocery store, at the post office. And he’d probably pick up on your feelings if you spend time stressing about it. (I mean, really — what are you going to say when he asks why he hasn’t met your friends yet? “I’m sorry, honey. I’m afraid you’ll think they’re hot and leave me.” And if you’re thinking these things but not saying them out loud, are you being honest?)
Some women don’t mind hearing when their man thinks another woman is hot, but other women prefer not to know. So, knowing this, some guys will tell you the truth if you ask his opinion about your friends — and others, thinking that you might get upset if they told you the truth, or knowing from previous experience that you will, won’t bother being honest.
I’m not completely immune from feelings of insecurity, and I’m not even dating. While hanging out with my two sisters recently, I said that a man I was interested in (at the time) had a nice body. My older sister gave an appreciative-sounding “Rawr!” (I can’t help using that word; it’s fun to write.) Younger sister said, “Watch out, Zan! She might try to take him from you.” Older sister responded, “Whatever! Zan has nothing to worry about!” And you know what? I know that. I not only adore my sisters, I trust them implicitly. But still, there was a split second where I thought to myself, “My sisters are beautiful and glamorous. I could understand why someone would prefer one of them over me.”
So here’s what I think: a big part of feeling insecure is how the information is presented. Let’s say your man meets your beautiful friend and later says to you, “Wow, she’s really hot. Those luscious lips, that incredible backside. Yum!” (Okay, maybe he wouldn’t say “yum,” but you get the idea.)
If, after saying this, he immediately turns around and walks into another room, many women would not consider that appropriate. They would think, “What the hell? Does he think she’s more beautiful than I am? Would he rather be with her? Is he trying to make me jealous?” In that particular scenario, I would have to question his motives.
There is definitely a better way for a man to follow up a favorable comment he makes about another woman. I like this one: “But baby, she could never compare to you. Rawr!” (smooch) That would be all right with me.
(This subject was inspired by Kat’s post, When honesty meets hottie.)
17 Comments
My first thought is that if a guy would stoop so low as to want your friends/sisters like that then ….bye bye loser!!! I just hope he would reveal that right away so I wouldn’t have to waste my time. I say introduce him to friends right away.
I agree with the sage Elissa. Introduce the guy to friends right away; how he behaves around your friends is a great judge of character. Either he’ll be super with them (in the sense of both getting along with your friends and in not hitting on them) . . . or he won’t be, and you’ll be able to reevaluate whether or not he is the right person for you. I had a boyfriend once who continually hit on my friends (should have taken that as a warning sign), and I had a different boyfriend who harbored a serious dislike for almost every single one of my friends. Both situations were not so great, and I’ve learned to pay more attention to my friends’ evaluation of my dates.
Yep I have felt that in the past; I don’t have a man’s insight on my girlfriends but I thik they are a bunch of hot chicks, the married ones as well as the few single ones.
But I am conscious at the same time that it is a matter of self-confidence and body image. I am confident that I am smart for example, but when someone tells me I am cute, I tend to believe that it’s just some polite compliment.
But on the other hand I know that I don’t always fall for the cutest guys, and not all guys fall for the cutest girls, because both man and women fall in love for many other reasons than the looks. And once a guy loves you, he’s not going to leave you just because one of your girlfriends look prettier. (Or at least I hope so… Please someone tell me it IS so)
I think I can safely say that I’ve never faced the dilemma of a new man ;-)
I had a friend in college that always commented on how hot my boyfriends was. Or how great a certain pair of jeans looked on him. It always got under my skin. I lived with her so there was no way to avoid it, but I can totally understand why some women keep their mates away from their friends.
I almost laughed out loud at what Marie D said…unfortunately its true that some guys will leave their girl for someone prettier. Don’t get me wrong, there are still men out there that will love you for you, they just seem very few and far between. I’ve kinda settled on the fact now that I am not going to meet one of the latter, but hey you never know. Unfortunately, we are in a society where first impressions are mostly based solely on looks, so if you’re not considered “hot” by social standards, you don’t get a second chance. That also means that a lot of men miss out on a fabulous women who may look average on the outside, but is one hell of a woman on the inside! :) And like Elissa said, if a man is going to leave you for a prettier friend or family member, they aren’t worth it!
I agree with what you wrote Zan; guys notice attractive women wherever they go, it’s just .. a male thing? I mean, us girls notice good looking men too, so it’s not ALL sexist. ;)
I guess it’s an insecurity thing we have? Personally, I was excited to introduce Jase to my friends. But that’s not to say I haven’t had my own share of insecure thoughts; he’s heading off to England before me this year for about six months, and I’ve had a fair few worried thoughts.
I think it all comes down to what sort of a relationship it is. (And what the guy AND girl are like, too.) I’ve heard lots of stories where the GAL leaves the guy for someone “better”. Interesting, as always!
Zandria-
I love that you made the point that insecurities often depend on how the information is presented. I had never thought of it this way. I appreciate this insight because it takes away the full responsiblity of the insecurity from the person who is being insecure.
Does that make any sense?
i also agree with elissa. if the guy is going to dump you (or disrespect you, or whatever) for the first pretty girl he sees, better to know that right away so that you don’t waste time on him. needless to say i wouldn’t think twice about introducing my beautiful friends to my love interest.
on a related note, i have noted in my personal experience in being the cute friend of some very beautiful girls, the cute friend generally gets WAY more attention from guys than the beautiful friend. most guys are too intimidated by the hot girl to approach her. i think they also frequently stereotype the hot girl as snobbish or not intelligent, or other crap like that. but having the hot girlfriend is awesome for bypassing the line at clubs and getting other kinds of special treatment. really, being the cute friend of the hot girl is the best of all worlds!
i just read kat’s post… this might be weird, but i don’t care if my partner tells me he thinks women are sexy or beautiful or whatever, AS LONG AS I AGREE WITH HIM. for some reason, it would tick me off if he was attracted to a woman i think is not attractive. in fact, i suggest “back up girlfriends” to my partner all the time. (his current one is tina fey, who i think is a great choice. i campaigned hard for jennifer garner, but he never really got into her.) but on the other hand, i teased my ex-husband mercilessly for years for saying that a certain actress (whose name i can’t remember) was attractive when i totally disagreed with him.
i think it does matter how they go about expressing their admiration (i.e. staring at some girl while you are trying to have a conversation = not cool) but then again, i wouldn’t be in a relationship with a guy unless i trusted his feelings for me and trusted that i was the one he thinks is most sexy/beautiful/whatever, so i just can’t picture it ever being a problem.
sorry, last comment!
dana- i think attraction is really important in a relationship, but it’s important to remember that not everyone’s idea of attractive or sexy is the same. clearly by objective standards there are many women much much more attractive than me, including most of my friends in my opinion. but for whatever weird reason, my partner thinks i’m the sexiest. and he finds it odd (and you might too) that i think he’s the sexiest. i’m not sure how it works out this way, but i’ve noticed that generally the type of guy who has a really traditional idea of beauty is not the kind of guy i’m attracted to anyway. and i’m also not attracted to about 90% of traditionally good looking guys. i think most of them are really boring looking. so my point is just be yourself and hold out for the guys who will think you are exactly what they want. they are definitely out there.
Dear zandria. Oh no, my friends are sending me a message – I’m not attractive! Seriously though. I’ve felt that way about friends (just deep down, and never acted on it – that’s just not realistic. My boyfs had to meet my friends at home point). But I’m too ‘best friend tomboy’ for anyone to feel threatened by me.
I wonder if introducing a guy to a particularly smart friend causes the same kind of anxiety? Probably not. We’re all so hung-up on looks, aren’t we?
I trust my friends too much to worry about a guy leaving me for one of them.
I wrote about the same thing awhile back. My friends are all super, super hot and I just am not. And obviously I’m not bitter about this at all.
Yeah I agree… I like knowing early on if the guy’s slimy enough to get the boot. I know I like to see the guy I’m dating (if one ever appears…) has a good group of friends. Shows who he is, etc., so I don’t want to deny him to see more of who I am out of fear. If he’s going to turn his head for my other friends, then he wasn’t worth the time to begin with.
So much to say on the issue. Where do I begin?
When I introduced my boyfriend to a good friend for the first time, I could tell he thought she was attractive. Not in that Oh-she’s-hot-can’t-wait-to-dump-Grizzbabe-for her sort of way but in that innocent way that all men are enamored with vibrant, dynamic women. I don’t blame him. My friend is beautiful inside and out. I wasn’t threatened in the least.
In general though, I struggle with the idea of my boyfriend finding other women attractive. It stirs up some of my deepest insecurities. At the same time, I know he’s not dead. Of course he finds other women attractive. And I am not naive enough to think that I am the most attractive woman he knows and no one else can hold a candle to me. Let’s face it, even I’d dump me for Halle Berry.
I guess it’s about learning to be comfortable in my own skin and feeling good about what I bring to the table in a relationship and trusting that’s enough to bring my man home at night, which I believe it is, and knowing that if it’s not, I’ll be okay.