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(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

The process of change can be good, but there’s one big thing that many women have learned — don’t expect it from your partner. If there’s something about him that rubs you the wrong way early on, there isn’t a lot of data in your favor to show that this behavior is going to change.

Theresa has a list of things that can sabotage a relationship, and one of those is saying to yourself, “I think I can change him.”

You may be able to get him to pick up the dirty socks on the floor or stop clipping his toenails on the rug. But certain personality traits are inherent and no amount of cajoling or nagging can change them. Does he refuse to say he’s sorry, no matter how wrong he is? Does he insist on hanging out with the boys every Friday night? Women who constantly berate their partners for things they can’t change are needed for failure. [...] Facing the fact that your guy may never change can be hard, especially if you have to give up your dream of a happy future together. You can accept him the way he is, or better yet find someone else who’s more compatible with your desires and treats you well.

In her three golden rules of “how to keep a man,” Ivy says one of the big ones is NOT trying to change him.

Lots of women get into a relationship with a guy and then try to change him. Either they want to change the way he dresses, or the amount of sport he does, or the type of hobbies he has, you name it, the list is never ending. There is always the underlying assumption that as soon the guy enters into a serious relationship, he will start doing things differently. Wrong! [...]

The question you have to ask yourself is: do you really like the guy? If you do, you have to learn to accept him for the way he is, just as much as he has to accept you for the way you are. Of course sometimes little compromises are needed both ways for things to work out, but there is a limit to the amount of change you can expect and should expect from him and vice versa.

From Michelle:

In life there are the people who fill the ice cube tray and the people who don’t. There are people who replace the toilet paper roll and people who leave it for the next one to drip dry or worse. Take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, refill the hand soap bottles, feed the pets, do the laundry, sort and toss the old mail — when you have a choice, you do it or don’t depending on your inherent nature. [...]

We are all on our best behavior at first and going the extra mile to make life as perfect as possible. Over time, we get to those questions and, in even more time, to the real answers. And then?

And then accept him or her for who he or she is because you will never change him or her. Ever. Appreciate him for what he does. Ask yourself if you could do more. And get used to taking the garbage out.

Melissa’s friend asked her why it is that when girls find a guy they like and manage to snare him, they tend to want to change him. And when they don’t succeed in changing him, they get upset. Melissa’s response:

My logic to him was that if we’re with someone, it means that we care a lot for that person. So because we care, we have higher expectations of them than we have for other people. And every time they don’t live up to that expectation, we get upset and try to change them. And when we fail at that, we get even more upset. [...]

It’s not possible to change people who don’t want to change though.

Tilly recalls her relationship with a former boyfriend and how she finally came to the realization that she had “acted as one of those women at whom I roll my eyes, [when they think that] they can ‘change’ him.”

The aspects of his personality that drove me crazy in the end, truthfully, drove me crazy in the beginning. I mistakenly assumed that his immaturity would, indeed, mature. [...]

My point — is the importance of listening to ourselves and trusting ourselves to know ourselves. Who else is going to? As the tritest as all trite sayings go, you really do just know. And you especially know when it’s NOT right. As much as you may want it to be, you will feel it. If you let yourself. One of the hardest things that I have ever had to do was walk away from that relationship. Close the book. After we had started planning the details of the wedding (pre-engagement). After both of our parents’ encouragement. After trying for years and years. After breaking up and getting back together because being apart just hurt too much. After everything. I just knew.

Brittlebonezz discovered this too late:

Nobody’s ever going to be perfect. And you can’t try and change someone, because deep down they’ll always be the same person. I don’t even get myself. Why did I even try to change him? The boy I met for the first time, that was the boy I fell for. So why did I try and change him, and turn him into something other than the boy that I loved? What was I thinking? I don’t even know. But because I tried that, I lost him. Because I tried to make him change the things I loved, he’s now gone.

Katherine says that some women remain in bad relationships and hope to change their men because:

“It is the need to be needed by that person”. They have an illusion that their love can FIX the person. It all stems from a problem with self-esteem. Some women are attracted to and purposely hook up with a “bad boy” or someone who is totally not right for them — and perceive themselves as the fixer or rescuer. [...]

Indeed, there are women out there who are attractive, career-driven, and financially capable, but who are unable to enjoy the fruits of their success unless they’re with a man. What’s worse is that some women can’t even feel or realize how successful they are unless they’re with a man who they can FIX . Quite often when we are attracted to people with whom we stand no chance of having a lasting relationship with, it is because our own self-esteem is lacking. [W]hen we don’t believe we deserve love, we get ourselves into situations in which our belief system is supported.

Shalene cites a Match.com article that lists 5 things a man isn’t likely to change once the two of you are together:

Guys’ nights out
No matter how immature and obnoxious they are, his friends are a pretty sacred area. You should learn to accept his inner circle because those people aren’t going anywhere.

Handling of money
[I]f you and your guy have radically different attitudes toward money — how much you need to live “comfortably,” what you should spend it on — you’re not going to reach much compromise over time.

Hobbies
A guy’s personal interests are a large part of his identity. If they really bother you, it begs the question of whether you’re with the right person.

Communication style
This is a frustrating issue because it seems like such a reasonable area in which to ask for compromise, but most guys can’t do it. It’s not for lack of trying; communication is just something that’s ingrained.

Health habits
Fundamentally, a guy is either active or he isn’t, and you should discern pretty quickly where yours falls. Food-wise, you can certainly encourage healthier eating — but stern warnings from a doctor are pretty much all that will change him on this score.

Have you ever tried to change someone? What happened?

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Thanks to increases in technological communication, long-distance relationships are more common today than ever before. But even for the strongest couples, this type of situation can cause a strain. Would you purposefully choose to get involved in a relationship if you knew you wouldn’t see your partner very often? Or would you only do it if you knew the person first, and circumstances occurred later to cause you to reside in distant locations?

I think it depends on the people involved at a particular point in time. If you like someone enough, you’ll be willing to put up with things that you might not have in previous relationships. And on the flip side, a person who used to prefer occasional visits with someone could end up feeling entirely different when they meet someone new — going from enjoying their freedom as much as possible, to looking for every opportunity to spend time with someone else.

Living in Chicago, Wendy is involved with a man who lives in New York . She mentions some of the downsides:

When I tell people my boyfriend lives in New York , I inevitably get some response about a long-distance relationship that either survived or failed, followed by a commiserating remark about how hard the [long distance relationships] are. And it’s true — they are hard. The commute alone always wipes me out… and the seemingly endless carting around of our belongings from one city to another, and negotiating what often seems like two lives now: the single life and the coupled one.

But although there are hardships, Wendy thinks this situation works for her.

I thought about the last year and how my life has changed, and my stance on [long distance relationships] softened a bit. There is something to be said for them, for the way you get to simultanesouly experience single life and coupledom — how some weekends are devoted to your friends and your hobbies and yourself, and some weekends are all about the love. [...]

The thing is, if it weren’t for the long distance, I doubt NYMan and I would be a couple. I’m such a commitment phobe — always falling for the wrong guy to avoid a serious relationship and ignoring the right one just under my nose, that I think it took an obstacle like 1400 miles to keep me from running, and to provide the unique perspective I needed to see a good thing.

Halley talks about being apart from her boyfriend while studying abroad in Paris:

Being boyfriendless because you’re single in Paris is fantastic — there’s a never-ending supply of amorous French boys to take you out, you can go dancing and stay out all night without anybody worrying, you can give your phone number to any cute boy who asks for it. But what happens when you’re boyfriendless and not single? When there’s supposed to be one particular American boy taking you out, waiting for you when you come home from dancing with the girls, glaring at the boys who ask for your number on the street — and he’s not there? [...]

There’s an empty spot next to me where a boy is supposed to be, so instead of calling him when I’m having a bad day, I flirt with the bus driver, pause a little longer than I should watching the French boys play soccer in the jardin des Tuileries, develop an inappropriate crush on my vie politique professor and devote entirely too much time and energy to finding Rachael a French boy. There’s nothing else to do…except wait.

After being involved in a long-distance relationship for years, KF and her boyfriend are finally moving in together for good.

[I]t’s finally begun to sink in: this is the last time that he has to go home. Or, rather, the last time that going-home involves traveling in a direction that is away from me. [...]

We’ve spent long enough stretches in the same apartment — about eight months during my last sabbatical; nearly a year during his last one — that there’s no nervousness about this transition. We know we live together well. What we’ve got instead is unadulterated excitement, knowing that we can finally do some of the things together that we’ve been putting off. Some number of those things are material; periodically, over the last week, one of us has turned to the other with this somewhat starry, somewhat craven look, and said, “Two incomes. One household. No flying.” And both of us sit back and imagine the things we can do, the places we can go.

Maarmie has a list of 14 things she likes about the man she’s currently seeing. But a long-distance relationship isn’t as effortless as she originally thought it would be.

Had I written this post a month ago, it would have been some kind of blathering love letter, a syrupy-sweet ode dripping with the kindest of words and comparing our relationship to the very best of relationships that ever existed or ever would exist, putting what seemed to just naturally exist between us and what I thought we had created on a pedestal for all the world to see, admire and attempt to emulate.

But, after three months, harsh words, misunderstandings and more arguments than I care to admit, the luster has worn off some. The reality that nothing is ever perfect is setting in. The realization that our “effortless” relationship isn’t going to be so effortless after all has slapped me in the face. Can we learn from our mistakes? Can we improve ourselves and, through these improvements, improve the relationship? Can this relationship last? And, most importantly, if this relationship doesn’t work out, how am I ever going to stalk him when he lives so very far away??

Pamalicious was once involved in a long-distance relationship, but says she wouldn’t do it again.

What I learned about the long distance thing is that I personally am a vulnerable person and whereas I thought that I didn’t need in person one on one attention…I did. Nobody wanted to move or give up their lives — which ultimately means you don’t want to be together. [...] Long Distance is one long honeymoon. It begins and ends with the persons arrival and departure. [...] I discovered that I needed touch, smiles, interaction even if it were during a fight. In Long distance, sometimes you table all of that because it’s about TIME and TIME is precious.

Penelope gives an explanation for the increasing popularity of long-distance relationships and also offers ways to cope.

[T]he typical gen-Y graduate plans on being married around age thirty. Which means that while he or she is gallivanting from job to job and city to city, there is also, a parallel hunt for a stable partner.

Enter the long-distance romance.

To be sure, not everyone likes doing the long-distance routine. [...] But anecdotal evidence suggests that long-distance relationships have become mainstream for people not only in college, but after college. And, in fact, when it comes to making two careers and one relationship work across state lines, there are some best practices. Here are three:

1. Have a plan for being together eventually, and be flexible.

2. Get comfortable with deep conversation that flows electronically.

3. Be honest with yourself when it’s going nowhere.

So…would you do it? Have you done it?