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(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Ah, June. A nice month, not too hot…and generally a popular time for weddings. But with so many taking place, I thought we should hear from some people who don’t plan on having a ceremony — ever.

Jill:

As far as I can tell, most people end up getting married — yet I can’t imagine that every one of those people, or even most of them, found someone who, social constraints and cultural expectations aside, they would actually want to spend the rest of their life with in a monogamous relationship. I don’t think it’s cynical for me to point out that most people settle. And there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. Marriage is the cultural norm. It brings tons of benefits with it, including important social ones — men and women of a certain age are expected to be married; married people socialize with other married people; not being married is often viewed as an indicator that something is wrong with you. At some point (early 20s in much of the country, early 30s in places like New York), it seems like everyone around you is getting married, and if you’ve been with the same person for a while and you get along well enough and love each other, then marriage just makes sense. And of course, there are those rare people who find the love of their life and enter into a fabulous marriage that they whole-heartedly want to be in and that trumps all other aspects of their life in its perfection. But those people are few and far between.

Hugo said, in response to Jill’s post:

I’m convinced that a great many women [...] are reluctant to marry (or marry again) because they believe that their are relatively few men worth marrying. Many women look at the colossal sacrifices other women make in marriage, they look at the legions of husbands and fathers who are emotionally distant or desperately dependent, and they say to themselves “no thanks.” They are legitimately concerned that when they marry, a part of themselves will disappear; they fear — sadly, often rightly — that they will be forced to neglect their own growth to focus on enabling the growth of their husbands and their children.

Ms. Jared:

Now obviously I have friends who are happily married or partnered so I’m not trying to diminish or disrespect anyone’s relationship. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy for you. I’m just saying that marriage isn’t necessarily the be all/end all for everybody and it’s unfortunate that we’re sold that box of rocks from the moment we’re born, wasting years and years and years chasing after some dream that isn’t even ours.

One can find peace and joy and love and fulfillment without a partner and I’m living proof.

You see, I’m not broken. I’m not anyone’s “other half”. I’m not “empty” and there is no “hole” in me to fill. I am whole and I belong to me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

When SJW‘s parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary, she said she would never reach that milestone herself. It’s not because she doesn’t see herself staying with the same person, but because they’ve made the decision not to get married:

We have myriad reasons for not getting married. The biggest from my side is that I know it makes no difference. Either we’re committed to each other or we’re not, and no piece of paper will make that change for us. D will stay or he won’t. And I don’t want to be a slave to convention when there is no reason for it. I don’t want to get married just because society tells us we should.

But the fact is that being married IS different than living together, as any same-sex couple denied that right could tell you. We have the luxury, D and I, of getting married should we so choose. (So do, of course, all same-sex couples in our country.) We could change it. But we don’t. Why bother, now? In a way I kind of don’t want to just to prove to people that you can co-habit and raise a family and own a home and NOT be married. Just because so many people were so shocked when I said I was pregnant, and asked me if it was planned, and even told me that co-habiting couples are more likely to split up. Makes me want to make it work just to spite them.

From a guy’s perspective — Tobias, on why he can’t see himself getting married:

It has nothing to do with past relationships in my honest opinion, despite what people think or say. I don’t want to get married. I don’t ever see myself getting stuck in that trivial world. For me, if you love someone then why can’t that be enough. Why marry? If you love them and they love you what’s the problem? Why do you need this proof that people call marriage? [...]

I know alot of girls and they’re all cool people, I trust them. But in a relationship I fail to do that. It’s hard to explain really — I CAN trust them in a relationship — but I wouldn’t take the relationship seriously enough to get to the marriage or even really the love stage. It’s a combination of slight lack of trust and the fear of being tied to someone and being mentally fucked up by it in a way that seems unexpected but really you knew it was coming all along.

Anyone who knows me knows I laugh at anything, I don’t take life seriously. I like having fun in the company of my friends and that is what satisfies me in life. I don’t want or expect any more than that. I am grateful for what I have and I want it to stay that way. Marriage would spoil that for me and I don’t want it.

Christina wrote an article about why more women choose to remain single than get married. She takes the position of advocating for marriage, but this was one of her points about why women stay single:

[One of the reasons] is the increasing selfishness of American culture. We live in a world where the sun rises on our left shoulder and sets on our right. [An MSN article] detailed the benefits of being single: You have more money and can spend it how you want, you can travel where you want, you can make your own decisions and not be accountable to anyone. All self-centered motives. Marriage requires compromising and sacrificing our own needs for those of our husbands or wives. A single woman can do what she wants, when she wants, and she lives in a society that promotes such a lifestyle. Why should she give that up for marriage?

Gnome heard an argument against marriage and countered it with her own thoughts:

I overheard two of my colleagues speaking today. One was saying that the reason he and his girlfriend don’t want to get married is because when you’re married, you are forced to be together. If you are not married, however, you are freely choosing to be with that person every day of your life. He said he wakes up every day and chooses to be with his partner because he loves her.

I do understand what he’s saying, but you could say the same about marriage. Regardless of the religious reasons that are attached to the institution of marriage, is marriage not the ultimate sign of love and commitment? When you say “I do” (actually I just said “YES” and never “I do”), you are saying “I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. I choose you as my life partner.” Marriage is not for sissies. This is the real deal. You have to love, and be very serious and committed to your partner.

When you’re just “together” it’s easier to get out of the relationship — there’s always that back door that you leave open… Just in case.

Anyone have any thoughts for or against marriage?

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

In my first post about long distance relationships (LDRs), I looked at people who had been through — or are currently going through — this type of situation. Now my blog-friend Alynda is preparing to say goodbye to her boyfriend for 5-6 months before she joins him in England next year. She considers herself a strong, non-clingy type of girl, but she can’t help worrying about what to expect. This made me wonder what people who have been through an LDR have to say about coping strategies.

Here’s what Alynda had to say:

Yes, I’m apprehensive about it all but when it comes down to it? I’m supportive. I know the reasons behind his leaving so early. I know it’s for ‘us’ in the long run and that I’ll join him eventually and that everything happens for a reason.

It’s going to be horrible without him here for five-six months. I can’t even begin to imagine how weird it will be not being able to see him whenever I feel like it, I can’t even comprehend the thought of us being a ‘long distance relationship’ yet. But as scary as it all is right now and will be in the future, deep down I know that it will all be okay. I understand how things are happening, and I’m comfortable with them.

I’m happy taking a risk, and ultimately doing all of this together.

I imagine Alynda’s feelings are pretty close to those of Vivacemusica:

When I told a friend last week that I might not see my boyfriend for another two months, she said that I had a lot of willpower. That’s not it at all. It’s not willpower when it’s an internal knowledge that I’m better for having him in my life, for those moments when I feel completely safe and content in his arms.

Simoun offers this advice:

First and foremost, establish ground rules. when are you talking? what can you do/ cannot do? Can you see other people?

Maturity is also important. How well can you handle it? How well do you trust yourself and the other person? Do not fight over small problems. Because you can’t talk as often you as you two want, problems tend to be magnified. Screw the small problems and save the fighting for the really important issues.

This is from Macabreday. (I’m using an abbreviated version; read the entire post for the full text.)

Trust is the Key
You need to trust them blindly and this can be a very hard thing to come by, especially if you have had your trust broken in the past. Know for a fact that your partner would not let you down and be assured that your partner believes the same of you.

No Conditions
Never use statements like, “I will trust you if you call me everyday.” Or, “I will trust you if you mail me everyday.” Remember that your partner is not your hostage.

Be Honest, and Do Not
Being far away from our partner does not ever grant us the right to do what we want. This is what I do: when ever I am in doubt, I ask myself how I would feel if my partner did what I was going to do. Would I approve her doing it? No. Would I feel hurt if she did it? Yes. Then I have no right to go ahead with what ever I was going to do.

No answer? Don’t Panic
Ever tried calling your partner and all the phone did was ring on and on? Your partner could be at work. The phone would have run out of battery or it may have been on silent mode. Maybe they did not hear it, and hey, maybe they did not want to talk to you that day. Is there a rule that I missed that states that your partner should be willing to speak to you when ever you want to?

Ever Felt Misunderstood?
Its very easy to misunderstand your partners tone over the phone. You can always tune words into what you want to hear and in that process the real meaning gets lost. Honestly, there is nothing much we can do about this.

Always Clarify
Do not jump into a conclusion by listening to the words of a third person. Always clarify it with your partner and be careful to not use an accusing tone. You are not accusing them, but only clarifying what you heard and setting it straight.

Frustrated? Suck it up.
Physical closeness is such an important part of any relationship and when that is missing, it could throw the system into chaos. But do you want to give it all up because of some temporary frustrations?

Space it Out
Frustrations and fights happen. Don’t be in a hurry to resolve it. [D]ifferent people have different time spans before that are ready to resolve. So respect your partners space.

Surprise. Always Does Magic
Do things that are unexpected. Send a snail mail. Trust me, nothing beats the feeling of receiving something that was hand written by your partner. Plan a surprise call when your partner is not expecting one. You can also send some packages occasionally that would surprise your partner. The scope of surprises are unlimited. Be creative and put an extra conscious effort into it always.

Believe, for it Shall Pass
The distance is not permanent. It shall pass in due time. Don’t ever give up on something so precious, because of distance. How bad can a few months or years be? You both have a lifetime together.

Maleki posts an article by a woman named Jennifer Good, who gives advice on how to close the intimacy gap in a long distance relationship. (This is another abbreviated version; read the entire post for the full text.)

1. Voice Memos
Nothing can bridge the gap like the sound of your partner’s voice. Voice memos are one of the easiest and cost effective ways to achieve this. You can send your partner a voice memo key chain…You can get a voice memo photo frame…You can get a personal recorder and just say random thoughts about your day to your partner and send it to them at the end of the week.

2. Daily Journal/Blog
[S]ign up for a free blog somewhere and send your partner the username and password. Use this tool as a way to frequently communicate with each other about your daily life and thoughts. If you don’t have access to a blog, write a little something about your day each night. At the end of the week, mail your partner the letters.

3. Web Cam Dates
Frequently arrange a set time for these dates. Take turns planning on what you’ll talk about or do. Some couples have used these as an opportunity to share a romantic candlelit dinner, watch a movie together or even play games such as Battleship.

4. Shared Moments
Once a day, stop and do the same thing at the exact same time. You could gaze at the stars, say a little prayer for your partner, send an instant message or take the time to write to each other.

5. Let it Grow
[Send] each other a plant to take care of. As the plant grows, press leaves or flowers to send to each other in your mailings. When the long distance aspect of your relationship ends, plant them side by side at your new dwelling.

6. Scrapbook of Our Relationship
Whenever you are together take LOTS of pictures. After you separate again collect the pictures and put them in an album. Write little notes about how you were feeling during the certain times the photographs were taken and tuck them under or next to the photograph. Make two copies and send one to your partner.

7. Journal of Love Letters
[M]ake sure you are both sending letters to each other, even if by e-mail. Every so often, compile your communications and put them in a journal format. If you can, send your partner a copy of the journal as well.

8. Make it Personal
Send your partner an item of clothing or something personal that they can see or wear daily. It should be something that you use frequently that will instantly remind them of you.

9. Framed Pictures
Let your face be the first thing they see each morning and the last each night. Make an effort to send framed pictures to your partner whenever possible. I’d try for a new one each month. You can make it more creative as well by having each picture reflect something about each month.

10. The Scent of Love
One of the most effective ways to trigger an emotion is through the use of scent. When sending something to your partner, spray a bit of your cologne or perfume on it.

Does anyone else have long-distance strategies for success?