Monthly Archives: July 2007

Surviving the Quarter-Life Crisis

31stJuly2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

“Crisis” seems like such a dire word. The term quarter-life crisis refers to “the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from ages 21-29.” At the age of 27 I’m getting closer to the end of that range, but I already feel like I’ve reached the end of my personal crisis period.

I don’t deny that I went through a long period where I exhibited classic quarter-life crisis symptoms: “feeling ‘not good enough’ because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level; frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career confusion of identity; insecurity regarding the near future; insecurity regarding present accomplishments; disappointment with one’s job; and boredom with social interactions,” among others. It’s difficult to be in your 20s, especially if you’re trying to do things on your own (like many singles are), but it can be hard even with the help and support of family and friends.

It happened to me. Even though I had a strong support system, I always felt like I needed to take advantage of other opportunities “just because.” I never did anything crazy or dangerous, but I did make certain life decisions that were different than the ones being made by people around me: I spent a semester in Amsterdam during my senior year of college; I drove cross-country from Virginia to California by myself, twice; I moved to California for a year after I graduated from college; I moved to D.C. last fall to start a new job. Even though I only live about 100 miles away from my Richmond support system, I didn’t know anybody when I first moved here, and I was living completely on my own and paying all of my bills by myself for the first time.

When you don’t know exactly where you want to be, what you want to do, or how you’re going to accomplish it, it’s an insanely difficult state of mind to be in. For me the feeling was one of restlessness, like the one thing I needed to discover was just around the corner (or across the country). But the thing was, once I got to a new place, even though I wasn’t necessarily un-happy, I realized that changing my surroundings didn’t change the person I was inside. That time of my life where I was constantly searching for what would make me “happy” was alternately exciting, depressing, frustrating, anticipatory, and mundane, all at the same time. If you’d asked me a year ago if I thought I was in a quarter-life crisis, I would have said yes. But I don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m not saying I suddenly had an epiphany, or that I’ve completely shed all my doubts and worries. But at some point I realized that I have reached a level of acceptance. I feel like I’m in a good place. I like the area where I’m living, the new job I started a few weeks ago is keeping me busy, there are people in my life who care about me, and I’m optimistic about the future. But most importantly, I no longer feel like I have to change my physical surroundings in order to find happiness.

What are your thoughts on the quarter-life crisis?

——

Related reading:

Penelope Trunk (aka the Brazen Careerist, seen last week at BlogHer ’07), recommends that people in their 20s take advantage of what she calls a braided career.

Karagibs wrote a response to the Brazen Careerist’s post.

Brandykins wrote this post shortly before turning 25. She doesn’t feel like she’s going through a quarter-life crisis, but she does feel a little…weird.

Erin.davis recently finished grad school and feels overwhelmed. What will her next step be?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (14)

Being Misunderstood

24thJuly2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

There are different levels of misunderstanding, but they’re never fun to deal with. The worse part of being misunderstood is when you say something that’s taken negatively, but you didn’t really mean what you said in the way the receiver perceived it. It’s a potentially dangerous situation because feelings can get hurt, no matter how many times you explain that you didn’t mean what you said in the way the person thought you meant it.

This doesn’t always mean that the speaker is entirely in the clear. I recently had a situation where a good friend took something I said wrong, and it took me a very long time to convince her that I hadn’t meant what I said in the way she took it. It was important to me that she understand and believe me, because I care very much about preserving our friendship. In the end she said she believed me, but in the back of my mind I still wonder if everything is truly okay. Will those same words come back to haunt me one day? I can’t take them back; all I can do is continue to maintain that I didn’t mean to hurt her.

The situation did make me resolve to be more careful in the future. I have a habit of blurting things out sometimes without taking the time to think about possible consequences. Words are so powerful. It doesn’t matter in what form they leave your body — whether through your lips as spoken syllables or through your fingers for the purposes of being read — they have the power to change things. How is the other person going to interpret what you say? Even if you didn’t mean what you said negatively, there’s always a possibility it could be taken that way.

ACheng made a casual comment to a friend, not realizing he would be offended by what she said:

Last night for the first time, I felt really betrayed. Although it was between the two of us, it was still what I’d consider a “low blow”. I made a comment, and retrospectively, I probably should have chosen my audience for that comment more carefully, but I had thought that he’d be truly accepting of any opinion I had, merely because he’s a close friend and should know that my comments are entirely my opinion.

Tiramisu doesn’t name names or give specifics about the person she’s referring to, but in this post she’s asking someone to be more careful with her feelings and to speak more carefully. “Think before you speak,” she urges.

Have you ever considered my feelings? Can you please put yourself in my shoes before jumping to conclusion? Oh please! I’m old enough to think of what I’m doing. I’m not even committing a crime now. So what’s the problem all about? Previously, you always complained on almost everything I did. You were never pleased with me but because of respect, I still listen and comply to the things you said…and until today, I still respect you.

Another factor of being misunderstood is when the other person tries to tell you that THIS is what you meant by what you said. In response, you might employ phrases like: “That’s not what I meant,” or “You’re putting words in my mouth,” or “No, that’s not what I think.” I found the perfect response at Lovely Box of Mine; this quote by Robert McCloskey:

“I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Have you ever been misunderstood?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (7)

Cohabitation: It’s on the Rise

16thJuly2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

The Pew Research Center recently published a study on the social impact of marriage and parenthood. One of the findings focused on cohabitation and, unsurprisingly, found that the trend is still on the rise. According to the study, “nearly half (47%) of adults in their 30s and 40s have spent a portion of their lives in a cohabiting relationship.”

With marriage exerting less influence over how adults organize their lives and bear their children, cohabitation is filling some of the vacuum. Today about a half of all nonmarital births are to a cohabiting couple; 15 years ago, only about a third were. Cohabiters are ambivalent about marriage — just under half (44%) say they to want marry; a nearly equal portion (41%) say they aren’t sure.

As she prepares for “Project Cohabitation 2007,” Melissa writes an open letter to her boyfriend and lists a few things he should expect. In one example, she says she is “Eary to Bed, Early to Rise.”

It’s Friday night, we’re playing a cutthroat game of Scrabble. You’re about to use all your letters in a single word when I fall asleep in the dictionary. You may succeed in reviving me, a useless jumble of Qs and Xs plastered to my cheek, but I will not seem human because I will have worked myself to exhaustion. Odds are I woke up before 5am that morning. Odds are I’ll do the same the next day. And so the vicious cycle of utter geekdom continues.

Stikki K. is also anticipating moving in with her boyfriend:

I am curious about what it’ll be like to live with my boyfriend and do the whole “Hunny, I’m home” thing. I like the idea of cooking with him and setting up a little table with an umbrella out back. Reading in bed with him before we go to sleep. Mingling our toiletries together in the bathroom cabinet. I like that he’ll figure out a good way to organize all of our things. We’ll have an office where our computers and my teaching stuff will live. I like the idea of not calling and trying to coordinate our weekends to where we can spend time together and then never getting around to doing what we wanted to do by ourselves. Maybe we’ll wake up on a Saturday and he’ll say “I’m going to record some stuff” and I’ll say “I’m going hang out with so and so” and we’ll say “see you later,” and when I come home without calling, I’ll see him. I’ll see him, and I’ll be, simultaneously, at home. That’ll be cool.

Jill and her boyfriend had to take a look at their roles when they moved in together. For her part, Jill says she learned to care less about cleanliness and now they split duties (if one person cooks, the other person cleans the kitchen).

I currently live with my boyfriend aka “cohabitation” and it really has been a huge learning experience for me. I went in without knowing what to expect or how I would react. When I started doing most of the cooking and suggesting what should be cleaned, my Betty Crocker buzzer went off. I couldn’t be the housewife – I really don’t have a single bone of housewife in my body. Now, I love to cook – but really because I enjoy eating good food. I HATE cleaning, laundry, or anything that involves organizing. I really had to communicate to my boyfriend that I wanted in no way to be forced into that role.

From a dating advice site, advice against cohabitating too soon:

You’ve been dating for a few months and your lease is about to be up so you think: what a shame to waste money on a new place when I’m spending every night with him – why not move in together? Don’t do it. Nothing will kill a budding romance faster than moving in together too soon. And yes, if it hasn’t been at LEAST 6 months (although I would probably say a year), it is too soon. [...]

[Y]ou probably don’t really know that he is the one before being with him half a year or so. Anyone can be on their best behavior for 3-6 months and can usually hide their true colors for this long. If you move in before you see these colors, you’re going to be less likely to leave once you do. Moving costs, stress, splitting up the shared purchases, etc. You don’t want any reason to stay in a relationship longer than you should.

Kathleen moved in with her boyfriend last December but is now moving back out by herself.

Today I will be taking the first step in my new life. I am going apartment hunting. I gave up my own apartment in December of last year in order to live with my boyfriend. At the time, we thought it was a great idea. I would be saving money on rent and we would only have one place to worry about between the two of us. My boyfriend hated staying at my place. There was nowhere to park and it was loud. My furniture wasn’t comfortable. I loved my place and I loved having the security blanket of somewhere to go when I needed it.

Moving in with my boyfriend, I gave up my security blanket. I had nowhere to go, no privacy and I was now in his space. I had no space of my own. I didn’t even save money. I just spent it on him and living in general.

So today, I am searching for a home of my own. I am going back to the same neighborhood that I once lived in. I am in search of my own space and piece of mind. I know that I am going to find it too. This is something I have wanted for a long time.

Whether we choose to cohabitate or not, at least we have the choice. Prairie Brown mentions this in a 4th of July-themed post:

I’m a woman, which in many places would mean I couldn’t have the career I want to have. Here, I have always been openly encouraged to follow my dreams, pushed to go to school, and helped whenever I needed help to reach my goals. I can vote, I can participate in government, I can walk down a street without being completely covered and draped. I don’t have to follow any set religion. In fact, I can explore and learn about any religion I want to learn about. I can believe whatever I want to believe. I can choose not to get married, even though I’m in my 30s, and I can instead decide to live with my boyfriend. And I’m not condemned by society.

Any thoughts on cohabitation? Has it worked out? Did you ever make a big mistake? Is there a certain amount of time you think you should wait before taking the plunge?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (6)

Weddings: Are You Obsessed?

9thJuly2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I met a woman a few years ago who, during our first meeting, went into great detail about her plans for her wedding day. From the colors to the cake to the engagement ring, she had it all picked out. I asked her when the event would be taking place. She answered, “Oh, I don’t even have a boyfriend.”

I’ve been to a big, fancy wedding, held in a huge Catholic church with a reception at a country club. Then last summer I was the maid of honor in a friend’s wedding where the vows were exchanged outside and the reception was on a much smaller scale. What did both of these events have in common? They both took place in a single day. The planning and preparation were different, but both of them were held and completed in roughly the same amount of time.

I’ve never tried to plan the details of a possible future wedding in advance. I don’t have a dress picked out, I don’t go to jewelry stores to try on diamond rings, and I don’t visit possible venues or flower shops. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with doing this, but it seems like a lot of time and effort for an event that can take months to plan but is over in just a few hours. Some people care so much that they’re proud to call themselves “Bridezillas,” and now there’s even a TV show about it.

Blogging Barbie reminds me of that woman I once met.

I have a confession to make.

Despite being all about the fun, single girl lifestyle who doesn’t have to answer to anyone but herself (at least for right now), I’m obsessed with weddings. Like, have a membership to TheKnot.com, buys Modern Bride and Martha Stewart Weddings magazines obsessed. Don’t worry, they’re very much hidden and tucked away when any potential suitors are around. Wouldn’t want to, you know, freak them out with torn out pictures of engagement rings I love. Not that I do that, or anything. But oh! How I get downright giddy at the thought of table decorations and centerpieces. White tents (donning white X-mas lights, of course)? The sheer romanticness of it all! And the dresses, my god, the dresses. Add in sparkly rings to choose from, party favors and flowers (LOTS OF FLOWERS!), and all that love and happiness and being surrounded by friends and family and celebrating and dancing with the help of an open bar and DUDE, WHERE DO I SIGN UP. Not that I plan on getting married anytime soon — because as my father so kindly pointed out: “bloggingbarbie, you have the perfect wedding planned — now all you’re missing is one minor detail…the groom.”

Cinthia says she’s so obsessed with weddings that she would marry anyone who has “money to spare on the fesitivities.”

I have recently become obssessed with the idea of getting married. Sheer madness, I know. [...]

Yet I am so taken with the idea of being a bride-to-be that I’d be willing to marry anyone who would volunteer to the task provided he had plenty of money to spare on the festivities. The truth is, it isn’t so much the conjugal lifestyle as it is the actual wedding that I am hopelessly longing for.

G of Read This has a post about how to be a Bridezilla in one easy step.

So everyone talks about “Bridezillas”. I certainly hope I don’t become one of them. But I think I know how they come to be….

Whenever you talk to a vendor at a bridal fair, or in their shop, they always say (several times) “Just do whatever YOU want.” “It’s YOUR day, it should be everything YOU dreamed of…” blah blah. The vendors start all of it!! They bring it on themselves (probably trying to get you to spend more money to make everything PERFECT for the BIG day). It is the same way people become vain – after hearing something ump-teen million times, you start to believe it…then more and more…. voila! Bridezilla created!

Colleen doesn’t want to be a Bridezilla and wanted to make sure she wouldn’t be seen that way.

Months went by without us even setting a date, but that didn’t stop me from buying at least a half dozen Bridal magazines and subscribing to every wedding stationary and favor magazines along with signing up for e-zines and newsletters regarding weddings. Some days my mailbox and email inbox is so full of “wedding stuff” that it’s almost overbearing.
But one e-zine that I recently received got me wondering — t was entitled “How to tame your Bridezilla; Top Five tips for Men to Survive their special day.” [...]

So I reluctantly read the e-zine and realized that I was in no way their definition of a Bridezilla and that there’s still time to change the course I’m on if I am on my way to the infamous title.

With that worrying out of the way, that frees up a lot of time for me to prepare binders for each of the wedding party members with a complete list of wedding and reception do’s and don’ts, how they should part their hair and what songs they should/shouldn’t dance to at the reception…just kidding.

With all the focus on Bridezillas and how they obsess over every detail, Nopinkertons thinks that maybe she isn’t obsessed enough.

People appear to visit dozens of venues before picking “the one”. We visited three. The dress search seems to usually comprise a hunt involving months of legwork; I got mine in a single intense frenzy of two hours. I read about brides who have hard-negotiated prices from florists, photographers, venues, etc.; if I get a price that’s too high, I go elsewhere. [...]

Is “good enough” really good enough, or am I cheating myself by not being very specific and demanding, by not exhausting every option to be sure I choose the best? I think it’s a symptom of the bridezilla culture that I’m even wondering this. I mean, this is usually how I make decisions in my regular life, too: I check out a few options, then go with the one I like best and don’t worry too much about all the ones I haven’t seen. So far my somewhat-spontaneous and not-rigorously-researched decisions have generally worked out.

Leslie never thought she would obsess about her wedding until she actually became engaged.

One year ago exactly was the eve of Roy’s official proposal. I did not know then what this proposal and subsequent engagement would do to me and my life. Ever since then, I have become a wedding planning fiend. I have nightmares about guests showing up early and expecting to be entertained right then. I wake up distressing over flowers. I have spent almost a year obsessing over details – from centerpieces to programs to the “problem” of being a bride in glasses.

I have become convinced that the wedding industry is poison that slowly seeps into the veins of the most practical woman and makes her into some sort of monster bride. It certainly has happened to me. I never daydreamed about my wedding, because weddings aren’t my thing. Deep down I didn’t ever really think I would get married. Once Roy put the ring on my finger, all bets were off. I almost immediately became connected with The Knot, one of the most popular wedding websites around. The Knot has been both a blessing and a curse. I have come to know some fabulous women and have had the opportunity to really personalize my wedding. However, being a member of The Knot has also made me extremely competitive in a way I never was before. I have become obsessed with having the most beautiful wedding, even though I know it’s not the wedding that matters. I truly know this. And yet still I plan, and still I obsess. It isn’t healthy, but maybe, just maybe, it’s necessary.

Are you (or have you ever been) obsessed with weddings?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (19)

Compliments: Give, Don’t Just Take

2ndJuly2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

According to a Yahoo Health article, “nearly 70 percent of men say they wish they received more regular compliments from their partner.”

In other words: do you want to endear yourself to a man? Compliment him.

The author of the article, David Zinczenko, said that men are told to compliment women but they often don’t get the same treatment in return. He goes on to list 10 compliments that guy would like to hear. I realize his statements can’t be applied across the board to all guys, but there were a few things I found interesting.

Typically, it doesn’t matter much to men if women like a part of their body that they don’t control, like their eyes, jawline, or body hair.

David says men don’t care about compliments such as “nice eyes” or “you’re so beautiful.” They would rather hear that their arms look bigger because it’s something they have control over. And don’t bother using the word “cute” unless you’re referring to a man’s feet. Apparently guys like to be told they have cute feet:

Tell a guy he has good feet, and somehow he takes it as a double-bagger compliment — that you not only like his genetics, but also that you appreciate he can keep himself better groomed than the rest of the gnarly-nailed heathens out there.

And the best compliment a woman can give a man? “I want you.”

Women don’t need to go on about a guy’s eyes or hair or clothes. What a guy really wants to hear is that he’s the total package, and this acknowledgement of that — whether it’s referring to bedroom behavior or relationship stability — is the ultimate compliment of them all.

These are Cranky’s rules to giving compliments:

1. If you are thinking something positive (and inoffensive) about somebody, go ahead and say it out loud. Let them figure out how to take it.

2. A compliment should be specific and verifiable. “You’re cute!” is useless. “Between your red hair and your freckles, you are just amazingly cute!” is much better.

3. Never, ever give a compliment you don’t mean. If they catch you being insincere your compliments will fall on deaf ears in the future.

4. Don’t dwell on the compliment. Move on, physically or conversationally. Don’t turn your words into an obvious come-on, or you’re being insincere.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (10)