(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
“Crisis” seems like such a dire word. The term quarter-life crisis refers to “the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from ages 21-29.” At the age of 27 I’m getting closer to the end of that range, but I already feel like I’ve reached the end of my personal crisis period.
I don’t deny that I went through a long period where I exhibited classic quarter-life crisis symptoms: “feeling ‘not good enough’ because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level; frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career confusion of identity; insecurity regarding the near future; insecurity regarding present accomplishments; disappointment with one’s job; and boredom with social interactions,” among others. It’s difficult to be in your 20s, especially if you’re trying to do things on your own (like many singles are), but it can be hard even with the help and support of family and friends.
It happened to me. Even though I had a strong support system, I always felt like I needed to take advantage of other opportunities “just because.” I never did anything crazy or dangerous, but I did make certain life decisions that were different than the ones being made by people around me: I spent a semester in Amsterdam during my senior year of college; I drove cross-country from Virginia to California by myself, twice; I moved to California for a year after I graduated from college; I moved to D.C. last fall to start a new job. Even though I only live about 100 miles away from my Richmond support system, I didn’t know anybody when I first moved here, and I was living completely on my own and paying all of my bills by myself for the first time.
When you don’t know exactly where you want to be, what you want to do, or how you’re going to accomplish it, it’s an insanely difficult state of mind to be in. For me the feeling was one of restlessness, like the one thing I needed to discover was just around the corner (or across the country). But the thing was, once I got to a new place, even though I wasn’t necessarily un-happy, I realized that changing my surroundings didn’t change the person I was inside. That time of my life where I was constantly searching for what would make me “happy” was alternately exciting, depressing, frustrating, anticipatory, and mundane, all at the same time. If you’d asked me a year ago if I thought I was in a quarter-life crisis, I would have said yes. But I don’t feel that way anymore.
I’m not saying I suddenly had an epiphany, or that I’ve completely shed all my doubts and worries. But at some point I realized that I have reached a level of acceptance. I feel like I’m in a good place. I like the area where I’m living, the new job I started a few weeks ago is keeping me busy, there are people in my life who care about me, and I’m optimistic about the future. But most importantly, I no longer feel like I have to change my physical surroundings in order to find happiness.
What are your thoughts on the quarter-life crisis?
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Related reading:
Penelope Trunk (aka the Brazen Careerist, seen last week at BlogHer ’07), recommends that people in their 20s take advantage of what she calls a braided career.
Karagibs wrote a response to the Brazen Careerist’s post.
Brandykins wrote this post shortly before turning 25. She doesn’t feel like she’s going through a quarter-life crisis, but she does feel a little…weird.
Erin.davis recently finished grad school and feels overwhelmed. What will her next step be?
14 Comments
I went through mine a year after college. I was working in a dead-end job, was struggling to pay my rent and was frustrated that I couldn’t find a use for my degree. It was a low time. But once I got my current job things changed.
I think it’s normal for women to go through this…struggling to figure out what to do when thrown into the “Real” world.
I don’t think that I have figured out my QLC yet. It feels exacerbated by the fact that I chose a college populated by lifetime overachievers (I’m not a brain surgeon or part of the investment team at the #1 Wall Street Firm, what is wrong with me???) and I do not fit that bill, not can I decide exactly WHAT I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I tend to be opposed to change unless I know exactly what I want. I don’t like to explore options I like to over think and THEN make a move which can be frustrating and leaves many days where I feel unfulfilled, but I’m sure I will figure it out some time…probably just in time for my mid-life crisis *laugh*
I think “crisis” is a bit dramatic for what we’re describing here and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a way to make expected insecurity sound more important or significant, as though it’s a valid reason to complain that much more. But, then, maybe the same thing happened for mid-life crisis.
I’ve heard a theory that life takes a turn around the age of 27: people get married/have kids, finish grad school, move, change jobs, whatever. So maybe it’s a confluence of any number of those factors that contributes to this phenomenon.
I think what you’ve hit on, Zandria, in your last paragraph, is a nice description of contentment. I feel like it’s not dependent on external circumstances, but an overall settled, accepting state of mind, rather than always looking around for the next best thing.
I had mine one and a half year ago, I was 28. It took me antidepressors and a therapy to move on.
I had then felt bad for a while but I was so afraid to make things worse if I tried to change anything in my life, that I just kept going on. Then I decided to move back to my home town (again, the idea that changing place might make things better), and that’s where the crisis started. And of course it actually had nothing to do with the moving, that was just the trigger.
For a long time I had done things people expected from me (mostyl people from work) or things I thought they expected. I had put a lot of distance between who I was and my true inner self, that is why I was feeling so bad.
Now I have accepted that I am not a career girl, and that it doesn’t mean I am not smart. I have accepted I want to be a writer even if it is not what my family wanted for me, and even if I can never be succesfull. I have accepted that finding a partner might be less easy for me than it was for my friends (who’re all married), but that it doesn’t matter because everyone has their own rythm.
I let go all the “should be” I had in mind, and I feel a million times better.
I think I am in the middle of it, the biggest problem so far has been priorities, and how they are changing fast.
Gosh, I thought I was the only one who went through that. I could of swore that everyone else KNEW what they wanted out of life.
This sentence couldn’t of said it better, but it took me many more years and ‘finally’ leaving my EX to get there:
“But at some point I realized that I have reached a level of acceptance.”
It’s too bad life doesn’t come with an instruction book, cause I certainly would of done a better job in life had I had some sort of guidance, i.e. a parent that actually parented.
I know I spent 20+ years with a man I should of looked the other way, but it made me who I am today and I like that!
Very recognizalbe indeed. Went through it myself, think I have the best part behind me, though there I still have my moments.
And i agree with the rest, acceptance is the main part of the solution. Realizing that you should choose what makes you feel good and happy and not what society, people around you and whoever else feels you should be doing. Anything you do is worthwile, as long as your heart is in it,
I wrote (a totally not-worthy-of-remembering) post about it over a year ago, starting with a quote from Reality Bites (very veyr quotable movie, especially for a QLC). It captures the problem rather nicely I think.
“Lelaina:: I just don’t understand why things just can’t go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy:: Well, ‘cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don’t turn out like that.
Lelaina:: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy:: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina:: I don’t know who that is anymore.
Troy:: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her.”
And I also love this one, just to put it into perspective.
“Lelaina: Well, I know this sounds cornball but I’d like to somehow make a difference in people’s lives.
Troy: And I… I would like to buy them all a Coke.”
At the age of 27, I am still in the midst of my quarter life crisis. When I was younger, I always said I would be married with my first child by the age of 25. (neither of which has happened) I am also dealing with not being done with school yet, not knowing where exactly I want to live, and all of those other “I’ll do this by this age” type things. My quarter life crisis also involves more personal issues, like struggling with certain issues most people I know don’t, and trying to focus on how I feel about myself and not what others think, among others. I don’t see my quarter life crisis ending soon, but maybe by 30?
I enjoyed reading everyone’s post. Everyone’s story is so different. I myself have been there too! I finished college and didn’t know what to do. I finally made a career change and that made all the difference in the world.
Zan – I’m glad to hear you are so happy where you at:)
Zandria – great blog. I really am happy you’re in a great place!
Hmmm I haven’t heard so much about the quarter life crisis. I’ve encountered more issues with the 30 threshhold guy freak out in DC. Now that’s the annoying one. Don’t quite get it… that’s my personal mystery =)
Oh and more importantly, to second others… good to see you’re so happy with where you are and with things in your new job. That’s the key take-away here!
i think i’m having quarter life crisis now. i have all these dreams and plans but i can’t seem to achieve them. i can’t find a job that fits me (and my college degree), i don’t have any savings, i don’t even have a boyfriend. i have all these frustrations and i can’t seem to go forward. :( will all these worries really go away in time?
I’m having a hardcore quarter life crisis right now. I turned 25 back in March. I’ll be graduating school with a BA in Graphic Design in a few months. However, the poor state of the economy is exacerbating my personal crisis. I know finding a job in my field is going to be very difficult. I have no real experience in my field. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do upon graduation. I still live at home with my mom and she doesn’t have a job. I couldn’t get a girl that I wanted If my life depended on it. I hate to say it, but I have come to terms with me being a loser.
I’m trying my hardest to get my act together and grow up. But my turbulent adolescence set the stage for my quarter life crisis. When I was a teenager I was headed for prison. My extracurricular activities in high school involved grand theft auto, concealed deadly weapons, drug selling, underaged drinking, weed smoking, probation meetings, fighting and truancy. When I graduated from high school all my friends were hustlers making money selling drugs. But my mother basically forced me to enroll in community college. After three years at a community college and two years at a university, I left my wild days behind me. But now I face the struggle of carving a niche in an uptight whitewashed corporate world.