Monthly Archives: August 2007

Singles: Why We Choose to Live Where We Do

27thAugust2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Would you ever move to a city specifically because you think it might be a fun place to live? Not just because work is taking you there, or because you’re moving to go to school, but because you’ve seen the place and simply have to spend more time there? For those who may be contemplating such a move, Forbes just released their seventh annual Best Cities for Singles report.

I moved to the metropolitan Washington, D.C. area last October (which happens to be #6 on the list), but I did so to increase my job options, and to have more of the types of jobs available that I was interested in doing. I didn’t move here specifically to take advantage of the city’s multiple options for singles, but it’s not like I would have contemplated taking a job in a small rural area if I’d found a job in that type of place. The thing is, even though I live near D.C., I don’t take advantage of many of the things the area has to offer in terms of entertainment and nightlife. I’m not someone who seeks out the newest bars or most popular clubs. When I moved to D.C. as a long-term, perpetual single, I was most comfortable doing my own thing.

There are certain things I’ve taken advantage of, like the proximity to free museums (visiting five of the Smithsonians is on my list of 101 Things in 1001 Days). It’s convenient to have so many options so close together, and not having to travel very far to take advantage of them.

Something you have to take into consideration when you move to a popular area though, is that so many other people think it’s where they want to be, too. And when you have so many people together in one place, vying to live in the most popular neighborhoods, you have to deal with the repercussions of there simply not being enough room for everyone to live where they want to live. And if you do want to live in those areas, you’re going to have to pay. Using myself as an example, when I moved to D.C. last fall, my choice was to either pay high rent and live in a place by myself or live with a roommate. I chose to live by myself, but in choosing a place that fit my budget (which means it cost less than I might have paid somewhere else), I got stuck in a neighborhood that — to say the least — isn’t quite ideal.

In addition to high costs for rent and real estate, you also tend to pay more for entertainment, and it will definitely take longer to get where you’re going due to the increase in traffic. But obviously these downsides are worth it, or people wouldn’t choose to live in these cities in the first place.

So what are the factors involved when a person contemplates moving somewhere they’ve never lived before? Especially if it’s somewhere far away from where they’re currently living? Chirky wrote a post about wanting to move from Dallas to San Francisco. (Which happens to be the #1 city for singles, according to Forbes. Should your husband be worried about your intentions? Kidding.)

For the past couple days I’ve been trying to figure out how to sum up our trip to San Francisco. In a word: Fabulous. It was more than everything we thought it would be, if that is possible, since we had high expectations. And if you told us that we had to return tomorrow or never again, I think we might both head straight home, pack up everything we could possibly fit in our collective suitcases, and go.

I can’t possibly renumerate to you the number of times my thoughts drift back toward our few days there, how often I send silent pleas to God in hopes that Roger will be offered a position soon, how frequently I’ve found myself on Craigslist looking at apartments, or how many times I’ve redesigned in my mind’s eye what our moving announcements might look like. I am already planning weekend trips to Muir Woods and picnics to nearby beaches and the places we’ll take our family when they come to visit. The problem is that we don’t even live in California. Yet.

What makes a place attractive to someone? Let’s look at some people who enjoy living where they live.

City_Yogi in Chicago:

As I was showering this morning, I thought about how much I love my city. Chicago is Awesome. I thought about tourists visiting this city, and only going downtown. Now, you can spend a LIFETIME in downtown Chicago, museums, restaurants, shops the theater and sooooo much more. Having said that, that’s only one small part of Chicago! Some tourists say “I loved Chicago, but I can’t imagining living there!” WELL that’s because most of us don’t live downtown! For instance, (traffic permitting) take the bus from the loop ten minutes north and PRESTO! Welcome to my neighborhood. Wrigleyville / Lakeview. And trust me, neighborhood it is. People are close. I know some shop owners, I see the regulars out and about. And this area is Colorful! Take boystown, and the small scattering of gay bars (And a Gay Mart! I love the name.. ha!) Then there’s the AMAZING Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs!!! ( GO CUBBIES! ) The stadium is a marvel.

Tiff in Oklahoma:

Yesterday on my way to work there was a COW running along the side of the highway. There it was running south on the north bound side of I-44. Funniest thing, besides seeing a cow in the middle of the city at 8am, was that the only effort to try and get the cow was the police helicopter! Good try guys.

Also this event was not on the news, because it is a common thing.

Live From Alaska (in, uh, Alaska):

This weekend, my friend Angie and I headed out on the road for another adventure. So far, we’ve hit Homer (last winter), gone to Talkeetna for the Moose Dropping Festival and stayed at the Montana Creek Campground, and this past weekend we headed to McCarthy and the Kennecott Mine. We’ve done hikes, showshoed, hunted for wild salmon on parade in anchorage and have more plans for the coming winter, and the coming year ahead. It’s really great to have a friend who has an adventurous and inquisitive spirit that matches (or actually far exceeds) my own. We were both born with wanderlust spirits. [...]

It was an amazing and relaxing weekend in an amazing and beautiful place. I love living in Alaska and having the ability to act like a tourist without having to pay for airfare and car rental!

Katie appreciates how New York can sometimes seem like a small town:

Today I was mailing a letter on the corner of 41st and Madison, when I had a sudden desire to call my brother Danny. I dialed his cellphone and we talked a while.

“Let me call you right back, ” he said a few minutes later, “I’m just getting out of a cab.”

“Where are you?” I asked.

He replied, “41st and Madison.”

“I’m on 41st and Madison!” I exclaimed, and just then I saw his taxi pull up and out he came. We embraced, stood on the corner and talked, then suddenly I heard a familiar voice behind me.

“Katie?”

I turned around and it was my friend Lizzie.

I just love living in a town of 8 million.

Felicia moved to New York from Colorado:

I definitely don’t have any problem being alone in such a huge city. It doesn’t bother me walking aimlessly from audition to audition learning my way around the filthy, stinky but glamorous streets of Manhattan. [...]

I love NY. I love the rude people who fight with you in subways, the culture, the hot dog- sewer smell in the streets. I also love living in a city that continuously surprises me…and NY is so good at it!

Nyla lives in South Dakota:

I live in Deadwood, SD, a grouping of businesses and homes that curl through a narrow gulch, following a creek bed bubbling with cold, clear water that is now nearly devoid of gold nuggets. Officially there are 1,380 residents but some of them live here only part time, May though September would be my guess. In addition we live with an estimated 12,000 visitors each day during those same months that the “part-timers” like to be here. Even at the height of tourist season, like this week during the annual Days of ’76 celebration, you can walk down Main Street, greet several of your neighbors by name and complain about something. Complaining, by the way, is the number one pastime of small town residents. When you meet a fellow resident on the street it is customary to complain about something and allow them to participate. This is mostly because your spouse is sick of hearing your complaints. But there is always room on the sidewalk on Main Street for a few people to stop and talk while swinging their arms to emphasize the important points.

What do you like about where you live? Or where would you move if you had the choice?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (10)

Jealousy: Can it Really Be Considered “Harmless?”

20thAugust2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I think a little bit of mutual jealousy in a relationship is good. It’s healthy to know that while your partner is considered attractive to other people, his preference is to be with you — and vice versa. But if you’re going out of your way to make him jealous, can that really be considered “harmless?”

There was an article on Yahoo Health recently called 4 (Harmless) Ways to Make a Man Jealous. The author calls his suggestions “harmless” because he believes a little bit of jealousy is good in a relationship, and he says the things he’s listed shouldn’t take things “too far.” So what are those four “harmless” things a woman can do to make their man jealous?

Stay Up Later Than He Does
[...] When he says he’s going to bed, tell him you’ll be in later, that you just have a few things to look up on the computer. Not that he doesn’t trust you and not that you’re going to check up on an ex or two, but he doesn’t know that. [...]

Have Drinks with Friends
He knows you talk. He knows you talk more when you’re with friends, especially when you add drinks to the mix. And he cares deeply about how he’s portrayed in your version of the media [...] and how he stacks up against other men.

Click on ESPN.com
Read up on the latest sports happenings, and bring them up later to your man. When he asks how the heck you knew Padraig Harrington won the British Open, tell him that a couple guys from work were talking about it.

Whoop Him
Challenge him in something physical – whether it’s in an upcoming 5K or in your regular yoga class. It’s hard for even the least competitive men not to feel antsy when his woman is stronger, faster, or more flexible than he is.

Come on, now. Seriously? A point was made over and over by other women that these four suggestions are things a lot of females do anyway — and they don’t do them because they’re trying to make their man jealous, they do them because they want to do them. Not only are these suggestions simplistic, but a lot of men will tell you that their female partners could do any of these things (and more) and they wouldn’t be jeaous in the slightest.

If a woman followed these suggestions because she really wants to make her man jealous (and not because she really needed to do something on the computer while her man took a nap, for instance), it makes me wonder where she’d draw the line. How do you know what that line is? Are “harmless” suggestions like these okay, but not others? What if you end up crossing some boundary (whether intentionally or not), and he thinks you’re not serious about being with him?

A friend came to me recently with another type of jealousy scenario, and I’d like to throw it out there. The situation is, she’s been seeing her guy for a few months, and she had a number of male friends before she met him (real friends, not friends-with-benefits). She hasn’t done anything to make him think there’s anything going on between her and these guys other than friendship, but he’s made it known that he’s jealous of the time she spends with them.

It would be easy just to tell her that he should give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, if she knows she’s trustworthy, shouldn’t she be able to hang out with her guy friends? But here’s the wrench: even though she’s perfectly okay with the fact that he has female friends, he has this one (attractive) female friend that he hangs out with on occasion. They’ve gone out drinking together when my friend was out of town, and they send each other text messages. Even though he swears this girl is just a friend, and he’s never done anything to prove himself untrustworthy, my friend can’t help feeling uncomfortable — and yes, somewhat jealous.

Is it fair for her to expect him not to be jealous of the time she spends one-on-one with male friends, if she gets jealous when he hangs out one-on-one with the attractive female? No, that doesn’t seem fair. So what’s the best strategy? Should they agree that they’ll only hang out with friends of the opposite-sex when they’re in a group situation? Or should they both agree they’re being silly and insecure and continue to hang out with whomever they choose? (But that seems to be an “easier said than done” type of scenario.)

I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I’ve known other girls and guys through the years who’ve been in similar situations, but they tend to handle it in different ways. Some of them acquiesce to the fact that their partner prefers they not hang out one-on-one with members of the oppostite sex, while others will continue to do it regardless of insecurity from their partner. (And yes, I’ve also known couples who are mutually secure enough that it doesn’t matter WHO their partner hangs out with, but that’s much more rare.) Maybe it could also be considered new-relationship insecurity; something that will lessen with time.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you think is the best way to handle it?

Related links:

Zuzu wrote a scathing (and funny) response to the Yahoo article.

Two males, Hugo and Cherney respond to the article with a guy’s point of view.

Blackkbutterfly says that respect is the key to developing a relationship.

Kat asked, “Why does love sometimes turn people into jealous fools?”

From Yahoo Personals: “Why do I get jealous?”

If you’re looking to solve a jealousy problem, Dr. Gail Saltz has some advice.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (11)

Our Jobs: Doing What We Love

13thAugust2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

As singles, we have options: where to live, who to socialize with, what to do for a living. Out of those three things, our jobs often take the biggest precedent because we spend a lot of energy thinking about what we want to do with our lives. And a lot of times, when we decide to take a leap and do something different, it means we have to switch other things around in order to accommodate that change.

But things are never quite as simple as making a change and having everything fall magically into place; it’s inevitably more complicated than that. There are many factors involved with a job change: the amount of money you make; the degree to which you’re comfortable making drastic life changes; certain options not being available in your current geographic area; rent and lease responsibilities; a lack of required education. But in general, singles are often seen as having more options when it comes to making job and/or career changes than someone who is married or has children.

The hardest part about making a job change is actually following through with the process. It’s not easy, or something that can be taken lightly. Experts may counsel us to take risks and do what we love, especially during this time in our lives when it’s socially acceptable to experiment with what we really want to do, but that’s easier said than done. We still have to collect a paycheck, pay our bills, keep our health insurance. And even if we don’t really like what we’re currently doing, it can be scary to give up a feeling of stability for the questions involved with the unknown.

But why do we change jobs in the first place? Why are so many of us dissatisfied with what we do? This is something I’ve thought about many, many times over the years. I’ve read a lot of opinions on the subject, but to me it all seems to circle back to inspiration. We change jobs, or dream of changing our jobs, because we’re not satisfied with what we’re currently doing. For some people, changing their job means staying in the same city, in the same type of industry, but just switching to a different compay. Others are willing to take a more drastic approach, like moving to Los Angeles to work as a waitress while they wait for their big acting break.

We want to feel inspired. We want to feel like we’re doing something that we enjoy and that we’re good at. Money will always be a factor because we have to make enough to live on, but for many people who truly love what they do, it’s not the biggest motivating factor. When I looked for people who were talking about loving their jobs, not once did one of them say they loved their job solely because they were making a lot of money. Another commonality is that a lot of people who love their jobs don’t have so-called “normal,” desky-type careers. Some people fell into their jobs randomly and it turned out to be the best move they ever made, but most people have to make a conscious decision — in order to do what you love, you have to make it happen.

Colleen is a freelance writer. She acknowleges there are hardships involved in this career choice, but believes the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. She has a list of the top ten reasons why she loves her job.

I’m my own best boss. Agents can advise, editors can reject, but the buck stops with me when it comes down to creative decisions. Though I work hard, I set my own pace and place — and nobody docks me for taking an hour to play with my dog in the sunshine.

Leslie is the co-founder of an event planning company.

[...] I love my job, because I got to take a few moments out of my 18-hour work day and sip on a Cosmopolitan while I listened to my past bride thank me (Leslie-Manning Events, rather) over and over for saving her life and bringing a professional’s touch to her wedding. She even insisted on paying for the drinks. Who says this job is thankless? Okay…alright…I did…a few weeks ago, but that was only because I had forgotten about moments like these.

Drea loved her job as an English language instructor:

I love my job. Rather, I love the job that I’ve just lost. Yesterday was my last day as a permanently-employed English Language Instuctor. I think that I’ve been so blessed to have had a job that made me willing and happy to get up and do every morning. And it was always so wonderful to enter a classroom to greetings such as, “Good Morning, Teacher!” or “Drea, what’s your concept today?” or “Drea, I’m sorry, my homework didn’t do. So sorry. Tomorrow.” [...]

I find that the reason I adore that job is that not only am I a teacher in the classroom, I am a student as well. Language teaching is so much more than learning grammar, idioms, vocabulary, syntax, and pronunciation… it’s learning about cultures, traditions, paradigms and where all of these overlap among people from all different parts of the world. A college professor once told me, “Learning a new language is like gaining a new soul.” Teaching a new language is not much different!

Dixie Dynamite works for the same college where she went to school, and she’s content.

The best years of my life were spent here as a student. It’s where I made most of the friends I still have, it’s where I met my husband, it’s where I really think I became the person I am today. I love being able to walk around campus, where nostalgia lies around every corner. Sometimes I’ll go into a building or walk down a certain sidewalk and the memories come flooding back…..I love that. Not everyone is so lucky to work in a place they love so much.

When I got the job, I remember telling a friend of mine who had been my roommate in college. Her reply was, “You can’t stay there forever. You have to enter the *real world* at some point.” I have come to the conclusion that is not true. I don’t want to be part of the *real world* (whatever that means–and yes, working in academia is much different than working in some corporate job….I know that now.) So I choose to stay here. Everyone talks so much about how hard the “real world” is….so why not stay here? It’s safe and cozy here and they do give me a paycheck to be here, after all. So why not? Who needs the “real world” anyway?

Rahree helps to put on an orchestral show.

Sitting in an orchestra rehearsal, preparing for the first full opera of the summer. Whee! The composer is in the room [a luxury afforded to us who produce 20th century works], and the ensemble is doing a great job putting it together. The conductor is so cool – very down to earth and fun, and just so skilled. Between her, my boss, and the music administrator, it makes me wonder why companies insist on hiring high-maintenance folks when there are folks who are both skilled AND have good people skills AND are fun to work with. [...]

I’m so happy when this time of the summer rolls around. I love being able to support those who are on stage and working behind the scenes. I love the refinement of the rehearsal process, which is easier to see when you’re in the room once a week rather than every day. And I love seeing how proud the artists are when the first curtain call rolls around.

Jennifer is a children’s book writer and illustrator.

As I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub this evening with sketchbook in hand drawing my toilet, I got to thinking. First, I wondered, how many people have drawn portraits of their potty. Anyone? Anyone? Second, I thought, what a cool job I have that people actually pay me to draw pictures of my toilet. – I really love my job. It’s great getting to draw all sorts of odd-ball things. Today I drew a toilet, a baseball mitt, and a giraffe kissing a lunch lady.

Miss Kim is a special education teacher.

I love the moment that bell rings and the kids bust into school. I love hearing those little voices saying, “Hi, Miss Kim”, crossing the hall to give me a hug, or show me a treasure. I love teaching my reading group. They manage to make my laugh every day. Whether they’re trying to convince Miss Theresa that “tox” is a word — “You know, my mom tox on the phone” — or just showing me their newest dance moves, they bring light into my day.

Probably the source of most of my headaches, too, but children are such joy bringers.

Beth talks about preparing a summer camp for its young visitors.

You know how some days you look up at the clock and those minutes drag on forever? And some days you look up and it’s 5 o’clock and you feel like you’ve only been there for a couple of hours? The latter has happened to me a lot recently. The days are just going by so fast here at camp. There is a lot of work to be done to get ready for summer camp — booklets to print, registrations to process, ringing phones to answer, mail to open, t-shirts to order, payments to process, e-mails to respond to. The list seems never-ending. And I love it.

I love being here. I love walking down the hill to work in the morning (not driving 15 minutes to get to work). I love seeing my husband multiple times during the day. I love eating lunch with my friends. But beyond those things, I love doing what I do here at camp. I love working with Mary & Ben & Russ to keep things running smoothly. I love being part of our Guest Services team, where we look at the Retreat groups that are coming and assessing how we can serve them better. I love the community that is New Life Ranch. I am grateful for this opportunity to call this my “job” right now.

Ashley Michele works as a receptionist in the corporate office of a major trucking company. She’s able to find humor in her everyday job duties.

One of my duties here is to screen the applications that come through the 1-800 Jobline, where hopeful truck drivers leave their contact information so HR managers from the appropriate distribution center can get in touch with them to schedule an interview. Not a particularly entertaining job in and of itself (although we *have* received some interesting calls in the past).

It becomes entertaining and downright lovable when a rather daft, and doubtless inebriated, trucker leaves a message….

“Hello? I’m Brad and I want to, and– I want to join the ‘winning team’ class A thing. (*aside to someone else* well, it beeped, so I don’t know what I’m s’posed to do.) And uh, I love you. And please call this number back. As many times as you want, because I worked for U-Haul…for many years. And after that I worked for Atlas Van Lines. Drove for a long time. Bye.”

….and did I mention that he didn’t even leave a phone number for callback? Hehehehe…people can be so strange. I love it. Perhaps almost as much as Brad loves us.

Naina is a freelance designer. She does internet research to find the inspiration to complete her projects, and one find inevitably leads to another.

I’m designing the packaging design for a Gold series of incense sticks for a New Delhi based incense-stick manufacturer. To kick-off the project, we decided to start with the line of ‘Mogra’ fragrances.

I have spent the last two hours researching about Mogra – which is a white-colored flower. That was the information I started with. All I knew was that Mogra is a sweetly fragrant, white-colored flower. I’ve seen the a flower hundreds of times and taken for granted it’s sweet fragrance. I had no idea what it’s called in English – Mogra is it’s Hindi name. Someone suggested that the Mogra flower is known as Jasmine.

Since I wasn’t sure, a Google Image Search for the flower’s name followed. It turned up very few relevant hits. I thought that the best way to find out whether the two flowers were the same would be to compare their photographs. The photographs turned out to be inconclusive – in terms of helping in the comparison. [...]

I’m learning some botany while working on graphic design.

Who said design was just making something look visually appealing?

I love my job.

Fashion Girl works for a company that owns several craft-services companies. She tells people that she has her dream job, and in this post she lists some of the things about her day that she really likes.

[...] I was just thinking that no matter how busy I get, I still LOVE my job. I always tell people that I have my dream job. Here’s what I did today…

11:45 am I made a shrine with my friend, Kathy, the Crafty Chica. [...]

12:15 pm I met three fantastic students from Fresno Pacific University…they were job-shadowing me for the day! [...]

1:15 pm The students helped me “trend”. They thought it was great that I actually get to read magazines as part of my job. Who gets to read Vogue and Glamour at work without hiding it?!!! [...]

3:30 pm I worked with two team members to figure out how to make a project work for Jo-Ann’s Fabric and Craft Stores. [...]

So I never had a chance to read emails today or answer phone calls, or even get anything crossed off my task list…but I ended the day reminding myself that I have an unbelievable job and that I work at an unbelievable company! On days when I get stressed, I just remember that I get to work with paint and glue and glitter and rhinestones…how can that stress anyone out?!!!

This is from an interview with Elaine, a literary agent.

What is the best part of being an agent?

[...] I love my job so I really could go on forever. First and foremost the people. I am blessed to be surrounded by such dynamic people EVERY day. You really get a full feeling of the world around you. Our work influences us to all different cultures and experiences on a constant basis.

Another HUGE thing for me is that every day is a complete different ballgame. My job is a million rolled into 1. Somedays I’m an editor, somedays I’m a reader, somedays I’m an educator, other days I’m a salesperson and saavy negotiator. It all just depends. And lets not forget the obvious perk to my job. I have an endless supply of books flying at me, and not a soul can EVER make me feel guilty for shutting out the world and curling up with a good book.

Oh yeah, and that whole bit about getting to help people make their dreams come true. That pretty much rocks my world too.

Nicole is a physical therapist.

I have friends who tell me that I am wasting my talent being a [physical therapist] and I should go to Med School. I thought about it long and hard, and it just wasn’t for me. I want to spend time with my patients and get to know them. I want to teach them the importance of what being healthy is and inspire them to take care of themselves the best that the can so they can reach their personal health goals. I treat runners, the elderly, basketball kids, grandmas, pregnant ladies, and everyone in between. I teach them how to take care of themselves and they teach me everything from using the Neti Pot, to quilting, to how to get out of a speeding ticket. I will never want to be an MD. I will probably never save anyones life, but I hope they will be better off from working with me.

Susie Q is a teacher in the dance studio that her family owns.

I love my job. There are moments of craziness, days when I wish I was doing something else, something that actually paid right now. But then there are days like today.

Our dance recital was today, and my little Barrier-Free dancers danced in their first recital today. Four little girls, three with Down Syndrome and one with Autism, put on their pretty, little, ballerina princess dresses and danced on stage for their families, friends, and for the strangers there to see their own daughters. And they received a standing ovation. I don’t know that there was a dry eye in the house. And of course, all of the other dance students danced beautifully as well. We had a wonderful recital. It was a triumph for us. [...]

The Studio has had its struggles. And there will probably be more. But this Studio is more than just about us. Yes, it is a family studio. Yes, it is wonderful, friendly, family-oriented place. But it is so much more. We have the ability to fill a need in Little Rock, and tonight, we showed ourselves that we can do it.

Do you love what you do? Why or why not? What would you do if you had a choice to change jobs right this minute?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (10)

Get Inspired: It’s Good For You

6thAugust2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Whether you’re single, married, or somewhere in-between, there are a lot of women out there who want to take care of their bodies. One woman who has succeeded in doing that is fitness expert Jillian Michaels. She spoke at an AOL Body-sponsored lunch event at last week’s BlogHer ’07, where she headed a diet and fitness Q&A session. I put my name on the list the day before the event because I recognized her name; I thought it might be an interesting lunch diversion in-between the other sessions I would be attending. How was I to know it would end up being one of my favorite things about the conference?

Part of the reason I liked it so much is because I’ve recently started working out, and Jillian is a great inspiration. She answered questions about fitness, eating, and body image, with a little bit of relationship advice mixed in. Even though the talk wasn’t specifically about blogging, many of the ladies in attendance write about health and body issues, or have struggled in some way with their weight and incorporate that into their writing. I was coming from a different point of view — my struggles have been with having not enough body weight, and I’ve recently started a strength training and cardio routine to focus on being healthy, not just skinny — but there were other women in the audience who had been in circumstances similar to mine, so the questions were still relevant.

Jillian has been a trainer for several seasons on NBC’s The Biggest Loser. I remember seeing her on the show during the first season, but I haven’t watched it since then (not because of the program itself; I’m just not a big TV fan). Due to her husky voice and confident personality (not to mention her boot camp instructor-like yelling) she can come across as larger than life. In person, though — especially in an off-camera, small group, all-female environment — she seemed much more down to earth and “normal.” And also short. Like 5 ft tall short (I’m 5’9″).

But not only was she normal, she was nice. A lunch session that was supposed to end at an hour and fifteen minutes lasted over two hours. She kept on talking and answering questions, and most of the people in our small group stayed right where they were instead of going to the next scheduled conference session. If you’re already getting good information, why go somewhere else?

What I liked the most about Jillian was her honesty, which I found very inspiring. She talked openly about her body insecurities, her struggles with self-image, and her issues with food. At one point she mentioned that we often look at other people and think they must really have it going on, but those seemingly “perfect” people have the same insecurities and issues as everyone else. She has to stick to a very restrictive eating plan in order to look the way she does. When she goes to a restaurant, she automatically gets the waiter to box up half of her meal before he puts it on the table. If she has food in the house that she doesn’t want to eat, she destroys it in some way (by pouring salt or ketchup all over it) before throwing it in the trash so she won’t be tempted to go after it, (Remember that Sex and the City episode where Miranda eats chocolate cake out of the garbage can?). She said she used to have a former boyfriend lock up her stash of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and ration out only one per day, because otherwise she’d go crazy with them (that’s actually a good tip: if it’s not there, you can’t eat it!).

One thing she said that surprised me (because she’s a well-known personal trainer with many fitness certifications), was there’s never a day when she’s working out that she tells herself, “I love this.” But she does it because she likes the results, and because she likes working with and inspiring other people, so it’s personally fulfilling for her. When people ask her how they can find time to work out when they lead such busy lives, she answers, “You have to decide if you’re worth it.”

I wasn’t the only one who found her talk inspirational. When I started looking for posts, I found other bloggers who had attended the session and have already written about it. Because we were in such a small group, it was interesting to read the posts and actually recognize the women from the pictures on their blogs.

One of the women in attendance was Carmen (the only woman in the group I’d recognized), who I met for the first time at the conference last week. She has six children and lost 75 pounds between BlogHer ’06 and BlogHer ’07. Now that’s inspirational. This is what Carmen had to say:

Meeting with Jillian Michaels was life changing, not just for me but for others. It helped me to crystallize some things I’d been thinking for a while, and set my mind on some others. She really resonated with me in her philosophy that it’s not moderation, but balance.

Amen. AMEN, I say to you. Moderation is a good word, but I really want to make this a LIFESTYLE change, and NOT a diet. Diet to me has ugly connotations – it designates a beginning and an end. If you have an END to a diet, what’s to stop you from gaining the weight back? This has to be a way that you can see yourself living for the next 50/60/90 years. Can you drink a shake for breakfast and lunch and have a moderate dinner? Sure, for a time, you can. What happens when the shakes run out, or you get sick to death of them, or you go out to eat or to a conference or break your leg? [...]

One other thought that was brought home to me? You can’t lose the weight for your kids, your husband, or $500. It has to be FOR YOU. Sure, it’s a bonus to be healthier for your family, or to win a bet. You’ve got to do it because you want to, because it will make you happier and more confident. Then and only then, will it click.

Kelly:

Jillian was very, very great, being candid about the show and fitness and even bringing some people to tears (really) with her straight-up, funny, and badass style. [...]

[Jillian said:] Moderation is crap. Balance is where it’s at. She said it better, but I second that emotion. You gotta have time for everything you love, and even if you go all out in something it’s fine as long as you that overall balance. For an obsessive like me, that was magic. See: cake. [...]

-She also really got to the heart of it with people, asking them why they wanna lose weight, moving past the bogus reasons and into the painful stuff. Even anti-feelings me got behind it. She also made it clear: if your intimates can’t support you even with direct requests and some real truthiness, it might be time to let them go. Sure ’nuff.

Sassafrass:

Jillian calls herself a “begrudging fitness guru” because she grew up a chubbers kid and hated working out. She found a physical and emotional outlet in martial arts and credits that with keeping her away from smoking and other teenage evils/delights that (ahem) I absolutely no nothing about.

She confided that she abhors running and that “there’s nothing more boring than training celebrities.” She also told me that she abhors running (holla!) and that she’s not giddy with exercise love each time she steps in the gym. Instead, she does it for the way she feels when she’s done (I totally agree that is the sweet spot).

In some strange way, doesn’t it feel good to know that a fitness guru is hating her way through arms day or spin class? It helps me.

She also was pretty straightforward about the process being ongoing. Friends, that means that this road to wellness never ends.And if we’d all put down the cabbage diet pamphlet for a second, I think we’d all have to agree. [...]

Her investment was obvious when women talked, spilled their challenges and heartaches in losing and gaining weight, in getting their husbands on board, in losing friends along the way, in struggling to say that they are worth it. She leaned in, fixed her eyes on the person talking, nodded her head, gave hugs, handed out her email, took care and took time with each woman. It was so connecting, it was almost startling.

JessiferSeabs:

Next up — lunch… with Jillian Michaels. This is the part where I start to get overwhelmed, because I don’t really know how to convey how meaningful this experience was to me. [...] On The Biggest Loser, they kinda cast her as the mean trainer and Bob as the nice one — but in real life, she’s not like that AT ALL. She is warm and funny and generous and humble, and having an opportunity to listen to her talk about fitness and weight loss was a treat.

Jen:

In the real world, [Jillian] said, people need to find a support system first, and tell their cheering section exactly what kind of support they want. After educating themselves a little on exercise and nutrition, wanna-be losers should make sure to start slowly with activity, but they should start right away. “Just go for a walk, get outside, find things you like.” If they don’t love exercise, they shouldn’t be surprised, Jillian said, because “there’s never a moment when I’m lifting a weight or doing a push-up where I think I love this! But I love the results.” The first step for many people, she said, is “just not moving backwards” — once they stop gaining, they can start the weight-loss process and get more fit.

One woman asked about her husband, who is reluctant to try to lose weight and says, “maybe I’m just meant to be heavy.” Jillian said, “A lot of times, people hide behind the weight because it allows them to hide from life.” They’re afraid of failing, or that they won’t be able to live up to the new expectations that people might have for them once they lose the weight. “Successful people fail all the time,” she said. “If you’re not failing, you’re not really living. Being successful is a matter of attrition,” succeeding just a little more often than you fail.

Jillian knows that many people, especially moms, think it’s selfish to devote so much time to meal preparation and planning and exercise. “Your health is the platform on which you build your life,” she said. For some of the people she helps, it may be a question of spending a couple of hours a day on fitness versus having their time with their children cut short by early death or chronic diseases. “What is it you want for yourself?” she asks. She suggests that people write out what they hope to accomplish from weight loss, whether it’s having more energy to play with their kids or looking better in a bathing suit. During the tough times, they can refer back to those goals to remind themselves that the effort is worth it. [...]

Jillian’s final weight loss advice? “Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bullshit.”

Delphine:

She didn’t tell us anything I didn’t already know, move more, incorporate calories and do extra work outs when you want to splurge. Count calories, stay away from fad diets and get started – today! I put my fork down with some salad still on my plate! I felt like running a few laps and would have loved her to lead us in group exercise – hey there’s and idea for the next conference! The Grand Ballroom was big enough to run laps in. [...]

Jillian was totally different from what I was expecting from her on camera persona. Jillian convinced me that she has the same struggles with weight, is not always so sure of herself and that she struggles to exercise. She even worried about us seeing her non-existent “muffin top” and readjusted herself – HA!

Shauna:

She also talked a lot about the word balance. This was the big key to her approach. You have to find a way to juggle all the variables in your life so that being healthy is both sustainable and enjoyable. I remember a time when it seemed bloody impossible to me that it really could be that simple. But if you’re willing to take the time to figure out what works for you, and do what you can feasibly stick to instead of driving yourself mad with unrealistic expectations or someone’s elses notions that you must do X exercise Y times a week and eat Z… then suddenly everything really does slot into place. And you just end up healthier, on your own terms and your own pace, without so much angst and stress.

She also talked about how many people have an “all or nothing” approach to fitness and weight loss – if you’re a perfectionist it can really paralyse your efforts. She said something like, “Just say your car has one flat tyre, would you go crazy and slash the other three?” No, you would just fix the one tyre then move on and start a new day…

One thing she said resonated with me like a brick to the noggin – “Successful people fail all the time”. Nobody gets anywhere interesting without screwing up royally along the way. That sang to me in so many arenas, not just the fitness stuff. “Success is about attrition,” Ms Jillian concluded, and I wholeheartedly agree. Just dig in, get your claws dirty and hang in there for the long haul, baby! Even when everything goes stinky. Especially when everything goes stinky.

I happen to think this is a lot of inspiration coming from meeting one tiny little powerhouse of a woman. How great must it be to have such a positive influence on people?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (4)