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(Note: I had planned to write a lighthearted post about things people are afraid of, but when I started putting it all together last night, it came out completely different than I’d planned. As usual, you can find it cross-posted at BlogHer.)

If you asked me to list some things I’m afraid of, my first thought would be, “Not much.” But if I were going to be truthful with myself, and think about it a little harder, I would say: I don’t like watching scary movies. I’m afraid of mice. I’ll kill spiders, roaches, and other nasty insects, but if they touch me, I’ll scream. If I get in a swimming pool, I feel panicked if the water comes up higher than my chest (no, I’ve never learned how to swim properly, or even tread water). I have a physical reaction when these things happen; my pulse races, my breath shortens. So why did I have to put some thought into it before I was able to put together that list? It’s because I don’t think about those fears on a regular basis, so they aren’t a big deal until I’m actually faced with them. And there lies the problem.

Most things don’t seem worth worrying about until you’re actually forced to deal with them. There are things I should probably be more afraid of, right? Being attacked, or kidnapped, or raped? I’ve traveled long distances by myself, and sometimes I walk places alone when there aren’t a lot of other people around. No, I don’t think I should live in fear or let it dictate how I go about my life — but most women who have been attacked say they never thought it would happen to them.

I saw this movie not long ago, called The Brave One. Jodie Foster’s character and her fiance are attacked and Jodie is badly hurt. When she finally gets out of the hospital, she goes through a period of time where she’s too afraid to leave her apartment. (And when she finally does venture out, she goes all vigilante and starts killing bad guys — but that’s neither here nor there.) There’s this one scene where Jodie’s character is walking towards the front door — she wants to leave the confines of her apartment, the sun is shining brightly through the window — but she physically can’t. She panics; she has to go back upstairs. When I watched that scene, I realized I have never known that kind of fear.

I don’t like watching scary movies, but I will. I don’t like killing nasty insects, but I’ll do that, too (unless, of course, someone else is in the house and I can yell for them to take care of the dirty deed for me). I don’t like getting in a pool, but as long as you don’t put me in water over my head and expect me to save myself, I can deal with it. I’ve gotten nervous plenty of times, and short of breath, and I tend to stammer and lose all sense of concentration when I have to give a presentation. If at all possible, I will avoid these uncomfortable situations like the plague. But the thing is, I will do them if I have to. I’ve never been so afraid of something that I was physically unable to function.

It’s scary to think about not having a choice. To be so afraid of the unknown, of what might happen, that it affects everything else in your life. And the thing is, I know this happens to people all the time. What if you’re jogging in a park, on a route that you’ve been following for years, and one day someone jumps out at you and beats you up? Are you ever going to be able to jog that same route again without thinking about what happened to you? And for some people, will you ever be able to feel safe running outside alone? Will you feel safe enough to even leave your house?

I know some of that sounds extreme. But I’ve wondered how I might react if I were to find myself in a situation where my life was in danger. If I had taken a self-defense class, would I be able to think quickly enough to utilize what I had learned, or would I just shut down? If someone was in my apartment and I had a gun, would I be able to remember what I needed to do to make it work? I do know, if I felt my life was in danger, that I would pull the trigger.

What are you afraid of? If something unexpected happened, do you think you could protect yourself? Have you ever had to deal with a frightening situation?

Related reading:

Mac said that taking a self-defense class was one of the most important things she’s done for herself.

Jessica says that even though she never felt unsafe living alone, she feels safer living with her boyfriend.

When Daszzle spent a semester abroad in Brussels, she was faced with a scary situation on a train (but this one involves a canine).

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Watch out, ladies. If we keep moving in our current direction, we’re likely to grow a penis.

At the Huffington Post, Steve thinks men should be comfortable with women’s success and “applaud her achievements,” but, blaming factors such as the feminist movement and “a men’s metro-sexual Prada ad,” he says:

Men need to be men and women women again. Don’t get all bent out of shape Gloria Steinemettes, I’m not talking “bare foot and pregnant”. I’m talking about feminine. [...]

I want to start a revolution and bring back male and female roles the way they work best. [...] There was a time when men were the shoulders and women the stability in a relationship. Men were responsible and women were sexy. Everyone knew where he or she stood. Yes, there were equality issues, back then, but they’ve been more than solved. [...]

Ladies, I’m happy for you, you’ve staked a solid place in the work force [kind of sucks out here though, huh, that'll teach ya] now it’s time to use your real power, the power that comes with being a sexy creature, a woman. Take care of your bodies, learn to understand how men think, dress with balance [sexy and stylish-- but sexy first], learn to cook again, and, most importantly, shut off the “hard ass” that keeps watch from 9 to 5 and pay attention to keeping your ass hard.

Now, there is certainly nothing wrong with a lady keeping her ass hard. But wanting to do it, and it being an expectation, are two different things.

A commenter on Steve’s post, Alice A.N., had a nice response:

What pathetic excuse of masculinity orders women to get back to looking like eye candy?! For who? Men like you that believe that’s her life’s calling. [...]

Yes, people should take the time to invest in themselves but not for the reason you espouse. It’s not about looking good for ‘men’. It’s about having that tight ass way into middle age. It’s about being healthy and feeling good about yourself. [...]

A good relationship challenges you to be the best you can possibly be, emotionally, intellectually, and yes physically. It does so without being pretentious or harsh.

According to a recent report in the New York Times, women in their 20s in several large American cities are now earning higher salaries than males of the same age range. But as a result, these women are having a harder time with relationships because the men feel threatened by the fact that they earn less.

Women are encountering forms of hostility they weren’t prepared to meet, and are trying to figure out how to balance pride in their accomplishments against their perceived need to bolster the egos of the men they date. [...]

[As a result], young affluent women say they are learning to advertise their good fortune in a manner very different from their male counterparts. For men, it is accepted, even desirable, to flaunt their high status. Not so for many women. [...]

Responding to the New York Times article, Jessica said:

Is masculinity so damn fragile that it can’t handle being treated to dinner? Have women really bought in to the antiquated idea that we need to be taken care of? (Or at least, pretend to be.) I think what depresses me most, actually, is the idea that money is so tied up with our notions of romance. [...]

My boyfriend is five years my junior and an idealistic journalist type. So clearly, not so much with the income-generating. And while it’s made for uncomfortable moments (I really like going out to eat A LOT), he’s cool with the idea of me paying more often than not. I mean, I can afford it. He can’t right now. That’s not gender relations, that’s fucking math.

And the blogger at Just Listen To Me says, “I always thought independence was a good thing.”

I think men should be happy that a woman can be independent. At least they would know that she wouldn’t be expecting him to take care of everything for her and support her (financially). He should be thankful that he found a woman who is intelligent, industrious, ambitious, NOT lazy, who is dependable and knows how to live without the constant need of another person to do it for her.

In a Marie Claire article, reprinted on WebMD, Theresa O’Rourke calls these women “Fembots.”

In 2007, fembotism is the next frontier in the great big gender divide. We can narrow the pay gap, outpace men in earning degrees, helm a company, run the House of Representatives, choose to raise a child on our own, and match a man’s sexual appetite thrust for thrust. But there’s an unspoken disclaimer: We’d better not forsake our nurturing instinct while doing all of the above. Yeah, well, some of us are saying screw you to the fine print.

The fembot’s effects are hardly limited to how she relates to men. As our lives become increasingly transitory (by age 30, most of us have had seven jobs), friends and colleagues grow more disposable. When women do get together, secrets aren’t easily revealed, tears aren’t immediately shed, and menstrual cycles aren’t necessarily synchronized.

PA_Lady read Theresa’s article, but doesn’t like being labeled:

Is there any freakin’ label we aren’t willing to slap on every single woman out there, solely because she’s female? Jeebus!

We aren’t independent enough, or we’re too independent. We’re too emotional, or we’re not emotional enough. We’re irrational. We’re not rational enough. We’re not ambitious. We’re too ambitious.

Listen well, and understand this: Women are like snowflakes. Not a one of us is exactly like another.

Erica talks about a Fembot article in a different magazine. Unlike PA_Lady, she feels like she can relate to “fembotism.”

I’ve struggled with fembotism, which is characterised by snappiness, impatience, emotional detachment, a reluctance to discuss feelings, a no-nonsense attitude and naked ambition: when career-minded chicks take on typically male characteristics and repress their feminine feelings (otherwise known as being a self-centred cow). Fembots are controlling, “emotional anorexics”. And it’s not a healthy way to be. Marriage, I’ve found, is a challenge for the fembot. On the one hand, I am totally self-sufficient, but on the other I worry about emasculating my blokey husband by being too independent and work-focussed. It was a relief to read that other women struggle in this department. The happy medium, I’m starting to realise, is to value your relationships with people more than your work/career.

I think that most women in a good financial situation, or a high position of power, would rather deal with the consequences than try to change themselves to be more “marketable” to men like Steve.

Do it for yourself, ladies.

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I’ve never had to make the decision whether to stay in a relationship because I wasn’t sure whether my partner and I were compatible enough. What must that thought process be like? If there isn’t a glaring reason to strike out on your own — physical abuse, substance abuse, infidelity — I think the choice of going back to the single life would be much more difficult. There’s a feeling of security when you’re with someone you know so well. Especially if you’ve been with someone for a long period of time, you tend to be intertwined with that person in innumerable ways.

Even if you’ve been together for a shorter period of time, questions might arise in your mind, causing you to wonder if this person is the one you should continue spending your life with. What makes the decision harder, though, is when there are so many more good things that you like about your partner than things you wish you could change about him (we all know what happens when you have expectations of changing someone). And there’s always going to be something that you don’t like about the person you’re with, right? If you give up a relationship with someone because you don’t like certain things about them, who’s to say you won’t find personality traits that are just as undesirable in the next person you’re with?

The issue that Kim has with the guy she’s dating is immaturity:

We have nothing in common. He’s a good kid; sweet, fun, and adorable as all hell. Too adorable perhaps. I think his adorableness is what’s keeping me from kicking him to the curb. [...]

Guys don’t like me, plain and simple. Sure I’m a great girl to go watch a game with but they don’t want to cuddle with me.

Except this one. This one that’s adorable and likes me but frustrates me to no end. While only 2 and a half years my junior, he acts so young. Kris and I were joking today that if it were to get to that point, he would probably propose via text.

“Will u merry me?” How romantic.

Don’t get me wrong, I like him. “Allot” even. When we hang out, we have the best time together but there’s something that’s just not right. As much as I try to look past that, it’s still there.

I’m going to see him on Sunday. The fat, awkward high school kid in me wants to make this work, while the almost 30 yr old woman that I am knows it’s time to move on.

If you really like someone, it’s tough to ask yourself: “When do the things I like about this person outweigh the things I don’t like?” And if the good times are worth fighting for, how much of the bad things are you willing to look past? Or will those bad times get easier to handle as time goes by, once you learn what to expect from the other person?

Some people like to have a little bit of volatility in their relationship. A friend of mine recently went through a mutual breakup with her long-term, on-again/off-again boyfriend. They’ve always gotten along together really well, talking things through calmly and rationally whenever there was a disagreement. But one of the things my friend mentioned as a factor in the breakup was “a lack of passion.” Not rip-your-clothes-off passion, but the fact that they got along so well, the relationship was almost too effortless. There wasn’t enough happening to stir things up.

Deb has this to say about feeling “safe”:

What gives anybody the right to think they know someone – especially when it’s their significant other? We know them to some extent, however, we can’t fully know everything that goes on in their minds. Some people feel so comfortable knowing that their relationship is invincible – that nothing in the world can tear them apart. I still don’t know everything about my partner – I’m still learning each day about her. Some people feel as though they’re “safe” and secure, knowing their partner would never, ever leave them. That safety net is good, because it means you fully trust that person, but is it wise? Is it safe to say that we all need some sort of awareness of the reality of a possible separation? “Oh that’ll never happen to us.” I hear it all the time. I sometimes felt that. Sometimes, when you feel too safe, that’s when you lose sight of what’s truly going on around you.

Grace has a list of “been there, done that” relationship advice. Some highlights:

Don’t devote your time to his every need. Examples: Don’t sacrifice happy hours with your coworkers to go to his work events.

Don’t get involved in his family drama. As a follow-up, pay close attention to the relationships within his family. If they don’t sit well with you, take that as a predictor of your future together.

Reserve chunks of your life for yourself, like drawing a line in the sand which he can’t cross over. The hard part? Really meaning it. If you pick up painting, don’t paint and think, “I wish I was with him on the couch in front of the T.V.”

Don’t share finances, for the love of God. And don’t give out social security numbers.

When you feel you’re not being respected, believe that feeling.

If all else fails, Syd heard about this break-up option:

[My friend and I] were talking about the difficulty that people have breaking up, and she said that she’s figured out how to make it painstakingly simple for a guy who’s not interested in seeing her any more to let her know. She said that she’d picked a “break-up song” and when she’s dated a guy long enough to care if the relationship ends, she gives him a copy of the song and tells him that if he decides he doesn’t want to see her anymore, and can’t bring himself to tell her, then call her and play the song and she’ll “get it.”

How do you know when it’s time to stay or go?