1) Liz says that dating books are crap. I agree. I’ve picked up a few of them at various times (not because I wanted dating tips, but because I was planning to use the subject for a BlogHer/Singles post), and every time I thumbed through one, I ended up either putting it down in boredom or disgust — or both.
For one thing, many dating books – almost all aimed at women – are generally based on the premise that men are Neanderthals. You know what? I have a lot of male friends, and I have had male friends for as long as I can remember. And they are not simpletons. They have emotions and fears and insecurities just like us. When you think he’s afraid of commitment, or that he got nervous, or he’s not over his last relationship, you’re probably right. That’s called instincts and empathy, not stupidity. [...]
Men are people. Just like you. Call when you want. Do what you want. Communicate. See how he feels and how he makes you feel and then stay or go or just have fun or dream about marriage. Think about real things before you walk away at the drop of a pin. Follow your instincts, stand up for yourself, think about who you are and what you want. When do you want to bend and when do you want to stand firm?
My dating advice? When in doubt, I always say to myself, if this was happening with a girlfriend, what would I do? Men are people. They’re not some secret species that you need a book to figure out. Each one is different, just like we are.
2) Nadine and FreezeM traveled to Amsterdam to celebrate their second wedding anniversary, and while she was there, Nadine saw the Red Light District for the first time.
It was like walking in a surreal Dali painting. Mostly there were just tourists, like us, but there were also ehm.. potential customers for ehm.. the products. Even-though I am really tolerating and open about things, but I felt uncomfortable walking in this ehm.. shopping street. I do have to say I expected the women to be ugly ass crack junkies, but they were not. Au contraire: they were beautiful and I don’t understand why the choose this ehm.. profession. [...]
Warning: for all non Dutch men out there: taking your wife on your anniversary break and see the red light district in Amsterdam might be a fun, touristy and acceptable thing to do.. I wouldn’t advise you to do the same in any other place of the world. Unless you don’t really care about having another anniversary. Seeing whores is not considered romantic.
3) On BlogHer, Susan asks if it’s possible for your best friend to be your life partner.
[I]n many ways, my thinking about wanting my BFF to be my life partner has progressed to where I can admit she’s a valid choice, a good choice even. And yet I ask myself how much she’s also the fall back, the spare pair, the ace in the hole, the leading non-romantic light in my creating a family of choice—and whether that’s okay. I admit that I sometimes wonder whether making a lifetime commitment to support and even live with my BFF would not only be simpler and more efficient than trying to be live with and be partners with a (as yet to be fully known and understood) man, but might (most radical thought of all) not necessarily preclude hooking up with that dream man.
Or to put it another way, is there a reason you couldn’t make a deep commitment to both your BFF and a guy?
4) Kris doesn’t want to live in the suburbs, but after spending some time there last weekend she admits that it isn’t quite as bad as she thought.
I’m not sure where it came from, but just as I do for minivans and people would vote for George W. again if they could, I have a hearty bias against the burbs. To me, they just scream PTA and lots of teenagers with headgear and eating at chain restaurants. Although those are great things – maybe not the headgear? – for the folks who choose them, I just cringe when I think about living there. [...]
And then I spent the rest of the day feeling somewhat like an idiot. Because contrary to what I’d pictured, people in these wilds weren’t carrying around multiple babies at a time, one strapped to the front of the mother, another squirming in a harness on her back, and yet another on her head. The landscape, although riddled with SUVs, wasn’t covered in minivans, and natives were eating more than string cheese and pudding cups. Those in their Sunday best didn’t try to recruit me for mass. The town was just like my beloved city, but with long-lost space and convenience. And more than two lanes of well-paved roadway to get you from A to B. Ingenious. [...]
It’s a beautiful thing. All of it. And I stand corrected. But I’m still not moving there.
5) On the 10th anniversary of Love Your Body Day, Leslie recounted her past struggle with anorexia.
For years, I struggled with anorexia, an eating disorder that demolished my self- esteem during my first year of college faster than any unrequited freshman crush could ever have. I shed 30 pounds from my already slender five-foot-eleven frame before winter break through a diet of salsa-topped salad and seemingly endless nighttime runs across my university’s beautiful, sprawling campus. My face grew gaunt; my clothes hung from my skeletal frame as if from a hanger. All around me, chaos ensued — “What should we do with her? Why did this happen?” Meanwhile, I was busy hammering out my daily caloric intake on my calculator. I just didn’t get it. I mean, five foot eleven and 120 pounds — that’s what models weigh, right?
In a sad bit of irony, I was majoring in — and acing — nutritional sciences.
I am now considered recovered in terms of my eating disorder, meaning I don’t actively engage in the destructive behaviors that overpowered me for so many years. Through a treatment regimen that consisted, at different times, of a variety of therapies and medications, I exorcised the demons that drove my pulse to 36 and my periods to a halt. But the inner critic will always remain and I, along with millions of otherwise successful women, continue to struggle with body image on some level.
6 Comments
Ooh, I love Liz’s post — it’s spot on. Thanks for showing it to us.
I don’t know why men and women can’t communicate, and why people have to play games. Life’s too short for that. My experience is that when men and women choose to treat each other like people, and to talk and understand each other, they’re able to. Unfortunately, my experience also is that too often we play silly games, and defeat ourselves.
The problem is that these games have no winners.
I know how Kris feels. I never wanted to live in the suburbs and fought it for awhile. But then I discovered that not all of it is as bland as I thought it would be, and that space and convenience were good things. Now I’m here I’m content with my choice. Don’t know if we’ll alway live this way, but for the moment it is good.
What a fantastic post. I think the red light district issue is an interesting one. I have been there myself. I think we need to think outside of the box. Are we so wrapped up in our own puritanical biases that we can’t see the possibility that this might be a profession like another? Are those women forced into the rooms where they work in Amsterdam? No.
I once met a student who was a stripper – lovely and no make up. She said it was a fantastic job, she felt totally in control and she was paying her tuition to an excellent college.
Of course sex workers who are forced into situations is totally intolerable. But what if it is free will?
“Men are people. ” Ha! Brilliant!
i love living in the suburbs, i wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. but not all suburbs are created equal. most of the northern virginia suburbs (where kris ventured) scare the bejeezus out of me.
Let’s just call off the over-generalizing, OK? Just as there are good men and bad men (and shades in between), there are good dating books and bad dating books. I have a big collection under my bed, and the one that I return to again and again is Carolyn Hax’s book, “Tell Me About It: Lying, Sulking, Getting Fat … and 56 Other Things Not to Do While Looking for Love.” She doesn’t offer advice on whether to call a guy or to wait for him to call — it’s more along the lines of living life in a healthy way, which by the way, attracts healthy mates.
However, some of the “wait for him to call” kinds of books are helpful when taken with a grain of salt. When you are on pins and needles between dates one and two, these books can set your mind at ease by giving you some frame of reference. Because I don’t care how liberated and open your guy is, he doesn’t want you calling three or four times a day to check in when you’ve known each other a week.