Monthly Archives: November 2007

Being Single Doesn’t Mean “Unhappy” During the Holidays

25thNovember2007

Here’s what I think about the ability of a single woman to be happy during the holidays — it doesn’t matter if you’re single. I believe that your relationship status has no bearing on whether or not you’ll be in good spirits. If you’re going to be happy this holiday season, you’ll be that way regardless of whether you’re in a relationship, and vice versa with people who are unhappy.

Now, of course, I’m saying all this in general. If you’ve just ended a long-term relationship, or if you continuously dream about snuggling with a warm body in front of dancing Christmas tree lights — sure, you might rue the fact that you’re single and place the blame there for your negative spirits. But being part of a couple certainly doesn’t give you an automatic one-way ticket to Happy Land.

I’ve had my share of high and low periods just like anyone else, so I feel like I can say all this from first-hand experience. I realize that everyone is different, and I know certain times of the year tend to affect some people more than others, but look at it this way: someone who’s “attached” is just as likely to have an unhappy holiday season as someone who is single. Maybe they’re even more likely to be unhappy, due in part to stress levels and familial expectations.

And think about this: if you have a partner, you automatically have more people to buy presents for. It could be just that person (if it’s a new relationship), but if you’re married, or you’ve been together for a long time, you probably have in-laws (or future in-laws) to consider. You have to attend your partner’s holiday work party in addition to your own; you have to visit their side of the family when maybe you’d prefer to be with your own family.

If you’re single, YOU get to decide who you’re buying presents for. YOU get to decide which party invitations to accept. YOU can choose to spend the days surrounding Christmas with family, or you can go to a warm, tropical locale instead (apparently this is an increasingly popular option).

I’ve never minded spending holidays with my family as a single female, because my family doesn’t ask silly questions like “When are you going to get yourself a boyfriend?” They could really care less about my relationship status as long as I’m happy, and they’d much prefer I remain single than get into a relationship that isn’t right for me. (Who can blame them?)

One thing that can tend to fall to the wayside when you’re living on your own as a single woman — at least as a young single woman — is putting forth the effort to be in the “holiday spirit,” at least when it comes to things like Christmas trees and house/apartment decorations. This has certainly been the case for me. If you live in a small apartment, or if you move frequently, who has enough space to store fake trees and breakable ornaments? Who has room to save those festive wreaths that you only bring out for a few weeks a year? I certainly don’t have that kind of extra space, but I do look forward to visiting other people and seeing what they’ve put on display.

I think it’s easier for me to have a casual approach to Christmas because I don’t let myself get (too) stressed out with holiday shopping, and I don’t put undue expectations on myself — like thinking I should be happier during the holiday season than I am at other times of year. (I mean, if you think you should be happy just because it’s a certain time of year, and you aren’t as happy as you want to be…that’s just going to make things worse, right?)

Susan Dunn gives “9 Myths About Being Single at Christmas.”

Myth: The only happy way to spend the holidays is if you are a couple or part of a family.

Reality: If that were so, half the articles on the Internet this time of year wouldn’t be about how to cope with the annual holiday dinner with the relatives, and the divorce rate in the US wouldn’t be 50%.

Smarter Princess recently broke up with her boyfriend of two years. She doesn’t usually doesn’t like it when stores prepare for Christmas too early, but she found comfort in it this year.

I know it seems like an unlikely place to find support or happiness, but Halloween ended last week and that means that the shelves are now beginning to be filled with Christmas. Usually I get pissed off when stores get ready for Christmas too early, but today I needed a little bit of Holiday spirit. And so I spent an hour before work roaming the isles, spraying room fragrances called “Sugar Plum” and “Christmas Tree” and twisting the knobs of every snow globe that played Jingle Bells and Holly Jolly Christmas. And I let myself get lost in the wrapping paper and all of the lights and a particularly wonderful animated light up moose that I’ve decided I will buy with my next pay check.

On my way out I bought my very first Starbucks Peppermint Mocha of the season, complete in the red holiday cup that always reminds me that it really is Christmas time, and I said to myself “Ok, I can get through this. I can do this.” And as stupid as it is, I know I’m going to be okay. Even if it takes baking hundreds of Christmas cookies and many, many visits to the Macy’s Santa Claus and the occasional 400-calorie treat from Starbucks.

Jemima Bean is a single mother and this Christmas season is the 10th year she’s been unattached.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I love everything about it. The tree, the music, buying and making special gifts, the baking, the old movies. I love it. So it didn’t take me long to get over the dread.

But it is a lonely time of year for a single person. The kids & I go and do lots of things during the season where we’re surrounded by family “units”. I’ve never let my fear of being the only single mom in the crowd stop us from enjoying all of the fun and splendor of the season.

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (3)

Being a Part of the Boomerang Generation

19thNovember2007

The first time I left home was the summer I turned 17, to go to college in a nearby city, but I’ve moved back in with my mother on several occasions since then. One of those stays was the very next summer when my roommate situation in Richmond fell apart. The last time I lived with my mother was also the longest period I’ve spent there in the past 10 years. It was the summer of 2006, after I’d come back from California and was job-hunting — I was there for about three months before I moved out again. Even then, she wasn’t encouraging me to leave. She likes having her kids close; she told me I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted to. My younger sister and the older of my two brothers have also taken advantage of this arrangement for a few months here and there through the years.

This, of course, is not at all uncommon. We’re called the Boomerang Generation. We’re between jobs; we’re going to college; we’re saving money for our own place; we’re switching apartments and need a place to stay while one lease is ending and another beginning. If you have a parent (or two), or even other family members willing to take you in (I lived with an aunt and uncle during the year I spent in California), then you can count yourself lucky. There’s safety in knowing you have somewhere to go if your current situation doesn’t work out; that there’s always someone willing to take you in.

The arrangement isn’t always a positive one, of course, which is why a lot of Boomerangers view living at home as temporary. Even if you’re able to come and go as you please, it’s still someone else’s house. You may have a bedroom, but the rest of the place isn’t yours to decorate as you see fit. And there can still be somewhat of a stigma attached if you’re dating and the other person knows you still live at home.

The issue of young adults moving back home was the subject of a recent 60 Minutes episode called “The Millennials Are Coming” (in reference to the “Millennium generation,” or those born between 1980-1995). A majority of the episode was about how young adults have changed the workforce (some companies have actually hired special consultants to deal with the special needs of the new workers, feeling like they’re used to being “coddled”), but they also talk about the number of people who return home after graduating from college.

From the 60 Minutes story:

Today more than half of college seniors move home after graduation. It’s a safety net, or safety diaper, that allows many kids to quickly opt out of a job they don’t like.

I’ll give them “safety net,” but “safety diaper?” Come on. There will always be people who take advantage of a good situation — having their clothes washed and food prepared without any effort on their part — but there are just as many graduates (and non-graduates of a similar age) who would love to be able to make enough money in an entry-level job to afford paying rent and living on their own.

Temple West called the episode “an embarrassingly biased report.”

The report was laughably biased and slams young people in a way that would not be tolerated if the message were reversed — young people defaming old folks. The hackneyed refrain that young people are cocky and lack direction was dredged up again. [Morley] Safer even referred Millennials as “extra terrestrials.” Young people cannot be lumped together as one generation. The report mocks college graduates for moving back home (returning to the “safety diaper”). Some of my friends who did move back home are saving money for a house, but, of course, this perspective isn’t mentioned.

Christine watched the report too, and had this to say:

It’s no longer unacceptable to live with your parents. Back in my day [I say that like I'm some old maid], we would never date a guy who still lived with his mommy. But now it’s common place. Living at home gives these kids an opportunity to be choosy about their job choices. If they don’t like the way their boss treats them, they have the luxury of quitting and living with parents until they find their next job. Kids no longer have to settle on a job. It’s no longer uncommon to have several jobs on your resume.

But is that all bad? [...] The Millennials are pushing for change in the workplace. Change I like. Companies are now offering fun and flexibility to attract and keep workers.

Michele has learned a lot from her parents since moving back home, and enjoys having them as roommates.

I moved back in with my parents a year ago, for various reasons. And I am seeing them differently then I ever did before. Obviously, I have grown up and my perspective is different but I don’t remember when they got old. It must have happened when I wasn’t looking. They are so different than I remember as a child. And I am glad I have had the opportunity to get to know them again.

I have learned a lot from my roommates. Above all else, they have shown me in the last year how important companionship is. Just having people near you, with you, beside you… to share in your every day… to eat muffins and watch baseball and occasionally take a walk… Life really isn’t about stuff. It’s about you and your people.

Kim referenced an MSNBC article that talked about the substantial cost involved in raising kids (which says, among other things, that “25% of employed parents have kids aged 18-29 living in their home at least half the time”). She takes issue with how much money some parents are giving their children.

[A]ccording to the article, parents give their 18-34 year old children, in 2001 dollars, $2,200 dollars a year? That’s crazy! Why? I mean, yes….if you are really struggling and family wants to help you out, that’s one thing, but by no means should it be expected. And why on earth would a 29 year old want to live at home with mommy and daddy? I don’t get it. At 29 you should be out on your own because you’re not a kid anymore. As a matter of fact, once you graduate from high school, typically at the age of 18, you are not a kid anymore. If you have bills, you should pay them. You should not rely on your parents.

Penelope Trunk says living at home for extended periods is normal.

In the list of what’s hot and what’s not, blowing all your money on an overpriced apartment is out and sleeping on the twin bed at your parents’ house is in. [...]

Boomerangers who think their time with mom and dad will last fewer than seven months are statistically delusional, and setting themselves up for emotional crisis. The typical stay is so long that researchers don’t even count someone as a boomeranger until they’ve been home four months.

Anna has different reasons for why she thinks it’s good to live at home as a young adult.

Remaining at home is described [in an article she read] as a period of rent-free housing, self-indulgence, relaxation and financial freedom. Every line shouts out loud, “me!” My money, my job, my career, my goals, my needs!

There isn’t even one word about how it can be beneficial for adult children to continue learning from their parents’ wisdom; not one word about the many ways in which they can be a blessing and asset to their families; not one word about ageing parents or grandparents who might need attention and care, help around the house, or simply company; in short, none of the reasons why I consider my own decision to remain at home until I marry a blessed opportunity to serve and love and honor my family.

In some traditional cultures, it’s common for several generations to continue living under the same roof for a lifetime. It doesn’t mean, however, that adult children take a self-centered attitude and remain lifelong Peter Pans. The family operates as a unit, and each family member is expected to be a productive part of the household.

What do you think? If you had the opportunity, would you move back home? Or if you’re living there now, at what point do you think you’ll move out? I know if I ever needed to move back home again, I wouldn’t hesitate to do so.

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (15)

Who is the Single Female Blogger?

11thNovember2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

If you read enough blogs, you already know the single female blogger is a hard person to define. When you picture her, is she someone who doesn’t have a boyfriend, isn’t married, and falls between the ages of 20-29? Sure, some of them are.

But maybe, if you’re like me, your definition is more broad than that. Because who is single? Anyone who isn’t currently married? I tend to think of women as single up until the time they get hitched (you have to check that “single” box when you’re filling out surveys and tax forms, right?). But what about women who are in committed, long-term relationships with no thought of marriage? Do they consider themselves single? I doubt it.

Then you have those women formerly known as single female bloggers. As in, they’ve been blogging as a single person and then they get married — but they still retain the same audience, and they still read the same blogs as before. Maybe they’re able to relate to their single blog-friends because they’re still childless? But then, what about the single mothers — divorced or never married? They’re technicaly “single,” too, right?

This is an example of how some groups are just hard to pin down, and also how one group can include so many different types of people who all define themselves in the same way, with the same title. And, wow, do those single female bloggers talk about a variety of subjects.

I’m going to give you examples of just how varied they really are. I found these people through various groups on the NaBloPoMo site (like Bloggin’ Singles); the BlogHer singles blog list; Twenty Something Bloggers; and some are posts from women I’ve already been reading on a regular basis. (The descriptions of the ladies, where available, either came from the blogger’s sidebar, their “About” page, or their NaBloPoMo profile description.)

This is what single female bloggers are writing about:

They don’t think you should live your life, or base your social calendar, on finding a man.

Katie is “a 20-something girl going about life, love and the pursuit of happiness in the best way I know how.”

Sometimes I think that, as a single woman, people assume that we all operate this way, filling our social calendars based on the possibility of meeting a man. To the single gals out there, how many times have you felt like someone was dangling the potential of single guys in front of you, expecting you to jump all over it faster than a cat on one of those catnip-filled mouse-on-a-string toys?

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not going to meet anyone sitting on my couch alone or hanging out with the same people I always do. I know I need to put myself out there in order to expand my “network,” so to speak, and increase my chances of avoiding Spinsterville. But I think there’s a fine line between making a concerted effort to “get out there” and letting the need to find a guy dictate your life.

They give advice — such as “get married in your 20s and then stick it out,” because it’s not as much fun to date in your 30s.

Lisa lives in Washington, DC:

By their 30s, people have gone through bad divorces. They’ve been cheated on or had affairs. They’re jaded. Cautious. Angry. Bitter. You name it. They’ve lived through too many hurtful situations, have made mistakes they don’t want to repeat, are scared to commit, scared to get hurt, scared to trust.

So, seriously. There are plenty of perfectly reasonable single people around in their 20s. Pick one you like and marry them. And stick it out. Even if you loathe the person sometimes, stick it out. Unless you loathe them all the time, and then I imagine it’s pretty much impossible.

They move to new cities (in this case, DC to NYC).

LJ describes herself as: “aspiring writer, tori amos junkie, flowers, wwf music, full email inbox, swing dancing, poetry, autumn, photography, frou frou coffee drinks, back rubs, karaoke queen, iced tea, too many interests… too little time, chocoholic, flutist, acquiring new passport stamps, overpriced designer jeans, and shoes… way too many shoes.”

The funny thing is so many people have this misconception that NYC is impersonal. That you get lost in the shuffle and no one knows your name. No one realizes when you come and go. You’re just another pair of legs strolling along the city sidewalks. But the thing is, it’s so
untrue.

In all of my living arrangements in DC and South Florida (with my recent nomadic tendencies, those are sadly numerous), I’ve never really met anyone within my complex. Occasionally I would see a face or two on multiple occasions, but never to the point of truly feeling like I had neighbors. NYC? Yeah, the first exception to that. [...]

So no, I don’t buy it. In a city of this many different faces, where people cram like sardines into a subway car and shuffle shoulder-to-shoulder on the sidewalks, you still have a name. And from time to time, even that person behind the counter? They just might know it.

They can eat whatever they want, like…Frito pie.

Carrie Ann is a 31-year-old attorney living in Memphis, Tennessee.

I finally got around to making chili on Wednesday night. I made a ton, and I have been eating chili every day since then. Today at work for some reason I really wanted Frito pie. For anyone unfamiliar with Frito pie, it is just Fritos, chili and cheese. I didn’t have any after work plans today; so, on the way home I stopped at the grocery and picked up Fritos and beer (because of course you can’t have Frito pie without beer).

They don’t have to share their blankets with anyone else.

Charming, but single “is 27 and lives in the South. She likes both her drinks and her boys tall.”

Yet again, I learned the hard way this week that a fleece blanket added between me and my comforter, though very warm and soft, is no match for the embrace of a man.

But at least I don’t have to share the fleece like you married and/or committed suckers.

Score one for the spinsters.

They like to dress sexy…but sometimes that creates a problem.

The Maiden Metallurgist says that “the only people who know what metallurgy is are metallurgists. And people whose Dads are metallurgists. But don’t worry, [the blog's] not really about metallurgy.”

So, I just got home from dinner with the ladies (to celebrate Jill’s birthday), and I, well I, I don’t know how to say it…. I’ve never had this problem before… I can’t unzip my dress. It’s really not loose enough to shimmy out of. I don’t understand how this can be.

I was able to change into this thing in the car, but I’ve been screwing around with it for a half an hour. The zipper slid down about 4 inches, and now it’s not budging. I may have to sleep in it and wear it to work tomorrow.

They move abroad to teach English…but certain gestures aren’t universally recognizable.

Amanda is an “EnFL teacher in South Korea who trains in taekwondo and spends too much time taking photos with [her] Nikon D80.”

I showed my sixth grade students The Tale of Mr Morton today. Before showing them the video, I got down on one knee and mimed proposing.

“What am I doing?”

“Amanda Teacher! Anyang station!” [They were saying] Give me money, please.

Ah, apparently I was begging at the subway station.

After a breakup, they talk about how they’re scared they might not find someone else.

Michelle is “25. A graphic designer @ a law firm. Just trying to figure out life as a newly single girl.”

I guess what makes me so nervous and scared about this whole break-up is the thought of never finding someone else. Or where the hell will I find someone else? Do I even want to be with anyone else right now? Will anyone compare to him? See what I mean? This is the kind of crap that runs through my head all day.

But really. “The one”. Where will I find him? Will we bump carts in the frozen food section of Giant Eagle? Will he randomly compliment me as I walk to work? Will he be my waiter at Max & Erma’s and write his number on the check? Maybe he’ll find my blog, come to the conclusion that I’m the woman of his dreams and move across the country to Columbus, Ohio. What? It could happen.

They accidentally leave…personal things…out in the open.

Karen is “a 20-something technical writer who works from home in her pjs in Montreal.” She’s a contributing editor for books here at BlogHer and I was very disappointed that I didn’t get to meet her at BlogHer ’07 in Chicago.

So I’m standing there, my stomach cramping, my heart still racing when the Super goes into my bedroom to open the radiator in there.

And then it hits me.

The Super is in my bedroom.

The SUPER in my BEDROOM.

Please refer to the comment above about me living alone.

I’m a single woman in her 20s. What could possibly be on my nightstand? [...]

YES! That WAS on my nightstand.

So now I’m standing there dying because no only a. did lunch not agree with me and b. my heart is racing because I opened my door and bumped into someone and c. the Super saw my underwear but now d. the Super is in my BEDROOM and has no doubt now seem my vibrator.

I thought shit like this only happened in TV shows.

They contemplate being rude when there’s a guy they like.

Smarter Princess writes about the “life and times of a funny, preppy, sometimes neurotic girl [who is] trying to live, work and date in the country’s richest and bitchiest state.”

Seriously? Seriously?

I write you a nice email thanking you for our date and making witty comments about how you one-upped every story I told. And all you say is “Glad you made it home ok.”????

Seriously?

From now on, I am only being a bitch to men I’m interested in. It’s drastic, but it might be the only solution.

They deal with awkward situations.

Katy is an “opera singing, day-jobbing, fun-loving, curly haired, frequent flyer francophone, making [her] way in the city by the Bay.”

Elevators.

We all ride them – probably several times a week, if you live in a metropolitan area, like myself. And, most of the time, I am in the elevator with strangers. [...]

But is there anything *more* awkward than riding an elevator with 4 other people, two of whom are making out with each other? Now, I’m all for the elevator snog . . . but not when there are OTHER people on the elevator with you.

People. There is NOWHERE to run when you are trapped in an elevator – and there is nothing less appealing than the smacky-smackity-suck of strangers snogging behind you.

They like their current jobs, but contemplate what else they could be doing.

Ashley has a pierced nose and “a birthmark on [her] thigh that is roughly the size of a dollar bill but is shaped like a map of North America.”

When I worked in Washington, DC – for a total of 8 months, there wasn’t a day that went by that I did not step off the metro, look around, and get the strong sense that things were happening here. Important, life-changing things. People, running around, working for a cause, working to make something happen, something that will ultimately touch a great deal of people – whether positively or negatively. There isn’t a bar in the city where someone isn’t discussing the latest protest in front of the White House, the most recent reports from Iraq, the policy objectives of the new attorney general. It is buzzing with this – and for a political junkie, and everyone there is a junkie – it is gold.

I miss this sense. I miss being in the middle – however low on the totem pole I was, however menial the things I was assigned to do were…or however nerve-rackingly important the task could become….I miss it. All of it. It was a rush, a belief that I could change something. [...]

I love my job. But most days, I know there is more to life than this.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (11)

When People Travel and Live to Tell About It

5thNovember2007

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I love reading books written by females who have moved to another country. There’s just something about these women and their stories — a combination of internal strength and sense of adventure — that lures me in every time. I like reading about their personal reactions to things they’ve never before seen or experienced; how they end up handling these situations and ultimately adjust to them. Most importantly, I like to see how putting themselves into these unfamiliar situations ends up changing them. It’s impossible to uproot yourself from a familiar way of life, throw yourself headfirst into another culture, and not be changed in some way.

I lived in another country for five months, and even though there wasn’t a lot of stress involved (it was a semester-long study abroad program in college), it still changed me. Just because I didn’t have to worry about finding a job, and just because I went to a country (the Netherlands) where mostly everyone spoke English with some degree of proficiency, that doesn’t mean things were always easy. For instance, just because people know how to speak English doesn’t mean they prefer it, so a non-Dutch speaker like myself spends a lot of time listening to conversations she doesn’t understand.

On one occasion I was on a train, returning from a visit with a friend, and when we pulled into a station (not the one where I was supposed to get off), an announcement came over the loudspeaker in Dutch and everyone got off the train. It took me a few minutes before I was able to locate someone who could tell me the track was closed and that everyone would need to find an alternate route to their destination. And on another level, due to the range of countries and languages represented with the students where I was living, there were multiple instances of having to change the way I said something so I could make myself understood — or, in certain cases, correct myself after I’d been misunderstood.

Putting myself into that kind of living situation and having those experiences changed me. Even though I didn’t continue to travel the world after I returned home, I’ve used the inspiration I found there on multiple occasions — most notably when I made the decision to move from one side of the U.S. to the other, and when I’ve changed a job when the current one I was in wasn’t challenging enough.

It wasn’t until after I got back from living overseas that I started searching out other people’s stories, but since then I’ve read a fair amount of memoirs by people who have moved to unfamiliar locales — a majority of them women — about the various circumstances they’ve been in and places around the world where they’ve ended up. I’m not so much interested in reading a description of the places they’ve been, as I am in reading about the situations they find themselves in, and the people they meet along the way. Anyone can visit a place, but not everyone can really describe what that experience meant to them.

This, of course, also extends to blogs. You can find the same types of life-changing experiences happening all the time in a well-written blog, but since you’re reading along as everything is happening, the events and new experiences are more spread out than those that are condensed all nicely and neatly in a book. The experiences on a blog tend to be dirtier — as in “fresh” and “raw” — than something that has been tidied up and edited, and that’s the draw. That’s why we read blogs; they tell us what a person is going through right now, what’s on a person’s mind right now. You can also read about mundane, everyday experiences — which, even though it might not be quite as interesting, means you get to see that living in another country isn’t always such a crazy ride.

The best part is, you don’t have to want this kind of life experience for yourself in order to enjoy reading about it and feel inspired by other people. Maybe I’ll never leave the United States again, and if I don’t, that’ll be my decision and I’m okay with it. But hearing about other people’s experiences not only gives me a taste of another culture, I get to see how that person felt going through it and how they handled themselves (and believe me, there are all kinds of situations an unsuspecting person can find themselves in). If there are women out there who have the strength to move to a country where they don’t know anybody and can hardly speak the language, don’t you think you can sign up for that class you’ve been wanting to check out? Don’t you think you can take that job in another city? After all, you don’t have to be in a foreign country to do something out of the ordinary.

Michelle from Bleeding Espresso explains why she decided to pick up and move to Italy a few years ago:

Whenever faced with big decisions, I go through the motions of weighing pros and cons, but I always know what I’m going to do anyway. Once an enticing idea enters my mind, it’s all systems go. I have instincts, and I follow them, and that’s why I’m here.

Three and a half years ago, I came to Italy, saying goodbye to the United States, my family, my friends, my apartment, my profession, my native language, my general comfort level, and so much more. [...]

Some may call it habitual naivete, but I like to call it dancing to the rhythm of the universe instead of sitting this one out. Or, put another way, if you are quiet and listen to your heart, it will tell you what to do.

From Amanda in Korea:

When I decided to leave the States, the people who didn’t know me well claimed I was running away from something; the people who knew me well said leaving the States was the best decision for me.

I think I ran to my life.

If you’d like some book recommendations, I have a long list under Travel Memoirs (#’s 56-98) from last year’s reading list. And if anyone knows of any similar books out there, I’d be happy to hear about them.

Related reading:

Ghana Barb describes a funny shopping experience.

Jennifer Hamm has advice for those who think they might want to become an expat.

Expat Mom warns about loneliness to those who are thinking about living overseas.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (8)