Monthly Archives: February 2008

Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old?

25thFebruary2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

When my roommate and I go to a bar, we largely attract the attention of older men rather than males closer to our own age. (By “older,” what I mean is “noticeably older than myself.” Like 15 years or more.) I’m not saying these older men act like they want to “hook up” with us — most of the time they’re just looking for a conversation. (Or at least that’s the way they make it seem…I’ve never had an older man ask for my number.) There have been a few older men who were more overtly obvious about their intentions — I’ve had several blatantly walk up to me and say, “I think you’re beautiful” — but in those instances they’ve always said their piece and continued on their way.

(Continuing on their way is a good move, because otherwise my response would be, “Thank you. Now move along.” It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I just don’t think “You’re beautiful” is a good opening line, no matter the person’s age — even if they’re thinking it; even if they really believe it to be true.)

It’s not like we don’t catch younger guys looking at us — but they look from where they’re sitting, or standing. And I don’t have a problem talking to older men if they’re being nice, but I don’t see them as someone I’d want to go out with.

A good friend of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, has given me her opinion multiple times on the types of men she thinks I should be dating. “We live in DC,” she says. “You should be attending parties at embassies and meeting diplomats. Or you could be an executive’s wife.” My friend has good intentions, but all I say in response to her suggestions is, “I have no desire to go to a party at an embassy. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say to those people. On top of all that, I’m not looking for someone with a specific title — the man himself comes first.”

So how old is “too old” for me? I’d say ten years would be my max. But having said that, I know age differences of ten years or more don’t bother everyone. My older sister was married to a man eleven years her senior (they’ve since divorced), and my younger sister is currently living with a man ten years older than she is. A good friend of mine was married to a man fifteen years her senior for over six years (they married when she was nineteen).

I wonder…why is it that younger guys aren’t as comfortable approaching my roommate and I than the older guys? Are the older men not as worried about looking “cool?” Does the possibility of being rejected not bother them as much?

I also think this phenomenon might be related to where you live. City Girl DC lives here in my area. She went out with a female friend one recent Saturday night, and had this experience:

What I love about Marvin [a bar] is that it seems perfectly designed for meeting and conversation. You would think there would be lots of mingling. Instead, as we looked around, all we saw were completely sex-segregated groups. To our left were two women who could pass for models. Behind them, clearly gawking was a group of guys. Not once did the guys make a move. [...]

Pam and I were curious as to what the guys would say and decided to ask three attractive, well-dressed guys standing behind us. One was Indian, one Latin American, and the other second-generation African. We figured we would get a good mix of responses. Instead, they were pretty much the same guy. [...] They didn’t feel the need to approach women and were of the belief that women should be more willing to approach them. Hmmm. I always find it suspect when a guy has decided that women should take the initiative in dating: asking out, paying on a first date, making the first move, etc. All I know is that these guys were typical of so many guys in DC. They seemed way too interested in saving face. Sorry, but being a guy involves some degree of regular rejection.

Tara has the same experience with older men being the only ones bold enough to approach her, and wonders what’s up with younger guys.

Why is it that I find myself getting hit on by older gentlemen in Hoboken and not the younger fellows? Where are the bright young men of Hobo? [...]

A girlfriend and I recently went to a bar in Hoboken on a Saturday night.

We were there to have a drink and watch her alma mater, the University of Virginia football game — hey, a great way to meet guys…young guys! WRONG! No one even approached us! The guys that were there didn’t even budge to come up and say hello. On the way out, I walked passed a young guy who hardly turned his head but did get the slight nerve and sober energy to say “bye ladies”. Ugh! And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a brief portrait of the wildly gifted charm imparted America’s Best — our Young and Upcoming World Financial Business Leaders of Tomorrow.

New blogger Jenny Pruna asks, “Does Love Have a Number?”

I am currently dating a man 10 years older than me. We met at my old job and ever since then we have been dating. Its been a year and a half and we are still in love; if not more than ever. It is not common to see someone dissaprove of us being together when they have not met my boyfriend. Just the age difference alone shows how wrong it is. The common arguments are: “He’s only seeking one thing from you and its not being with you.” “He is too old, you should be with someone your age.” and etc.

Problem is with that last arguement is that every guy I meet at my age isn’t what I am looking for. I want to fall in love and be in that relationship. I no longer want to explore a bunch of bad relationships when I can have one great one full of love.

At the Huffington Post, Christine Hassler is asked for advice by a 27-year-old female dating a 42-year-old man. This is part of Christine’s response:

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He’s had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery.

The male perspective: Jay Rusovich is in his early 50s, and has this to say about attracting younger women:

Anyone whose reached middle-age has to face the fact that — no matter how we look or feel — we can’t outright cheat the clock. Let a few more years pass and we start to wonder whether or not it’s even appropriate to approach younger women. By ‘appropriate’ I’m thinking along the lines of “will she look at me like I’m out of my fucking mind for assuming she would consider me as a dating candidate?” [...]

Many young women simply don’t give a damn how many bootcamps you put yourself through every week. Or how interesting you think you are. Or how talented you are. Or how successful you have been. By this time, life was supposed to have yanked you out of the game and thrown you onto your Lazyboy, out in the suburbs, with a family, watching network television. [...]

The truth is, a ever-growing number of young women are actively dating older men; particularly in big cities, because these tend to be more sophisticated than their fly-over sisters, and don’t hold the same appreciation for being treated like objects by young men. The same men who routinely take them for granted, and have nothing to talk about other than domestic beer.

This notwithstanding, you still have to also accept the fact that there are a corresponding number of women who can’t fathom dating older guys from any perspective. They want Cinderella. They want Snow White. And intend to ignore the odds against realizing those fantasies in today’s world.

How old would be “too old” for you?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (30)

Extreme Sports: Fun? Or Too Risky?

19thFebruary2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I tend to stay away from activities that have a higher-than-normal risk of injury. I don’t know what it’s like to be fearless. Even though there’s always a possibility of getting hurt when you’re doing a fitness-related activity — just think about kickboxing, spinning, training for and entering marathons and triathlons — at least in those situations you can usually see the injuries approaching and try to head them off. If you over-train, for instance, your body is bound to protest in some way.

But there are other activities (sometimes referred to as “extreme sports”) where you have less control over the outcome. Look at skiing. Whenever I think of skiing, I picture twisted limbs. It’s not that I’d be opposed to trying skiing, but my attempts would never reach the competitive level where people catapult themselves off ramps and do backflips in the air or whatever. Uh, no. If I were to ever ski off a ramp, I’d flail around a little and finish with a big splat on the ground. And then you’d see my broken, twisted limbs arranged artfully against the snow.

I’ve rollerskated in the past, but does that mean I’d ever join a roller derby team? I have to admit it looks kind of fun — you can dress up in a fun costume, and adopt a bad-ass moniker (see: What’s in a roller derby name). Women who participate in roller derby seem so confident, and tough, and self-assured. But does that mean I’d ever want to spin wildly around an oval track, dodging a mass of bodies, when there’s a possibility of flipping head-first over a barrier like I’ve seen on TV? Once again…no.

Mountain biking down a steep, rocky trail is another sport that’s hard to imagine doing. If we’re talking about biking along a flat surface, or a nice, tame trail — that’s great. I would do that. But careening down a hill where you could hit a stray rock, skid, and fly right over the handlebars? Eek.

I know I’m probably exaggerating the risks a little, and I’m sure there wouldn’t be as many participants in these sports if there were a lot of people out there getting hurt. As I said with the roller derby example, I really admire these women who have the fearlessness to put themselves in these situations, not knowing what’s going to happen. And even if it isn’t exactly fearlessness on their part — if the activity scares them but they have enough perseverance and adrenaline to make it through — there must be something about their personality that keeps them going back for more, time after time. Is it simply a love for what they do?

But it’s not just about having a love for something — normal, everyday people go out and try new things, too. For instance, I’d never thought about going rock-climbing until my weak-armed roommate (this is how she describes herself) went to a rock-climbing gym for the first time, and enjoyed it. When you’re able to see firsthand how people with various fitness levels go out and try things they’ve never done before, even if they’re not in top shape, it can really inspire you to try something new yourself.

If Kelly from Fitness Fixation calls herself a wussy, I don’t want to think about what I am.

I have been thinking about fear alot lately. A few days ago me and some other folks climbed up the small climbing wall and scrambled down a rope ladder-bridge thing by essentially climbing it upside down. Now, I’m real terrified of heights, so you’d better believe I had the nice stink of fear on me (Really. It makes you smell different, ask dogs.) But I did it anyway, even though I seriously contemplated flat-out refusing more than once. While I suppose I could act all proud of it, I know the awful truth: I’m actually a total wussy.

Cuz the only thing that scares me more than doing things that scare me is the self-loathing that comes with not doing those things.

I love that last line. Facing our fears is all about challenging ourselves so we don’t have regrets later.

Here’s someone else who isn’t afraid to face her fears — Carmen just signed up for a new class that, in her words, “scares me silly.” But she’s doing it anyway, and I love that.

2007 was a banner year for me. [...] There is so much more to do, though — more to help me live a healthier lifestyle, more to challenge me and stretch me and really make a difference in my life. That’s why I’ve decided to challenge myself by adding in a Total Defense class two or three days a week. Total Defense combines sparring, Thai boxing, stretching, cardio, heavy boxing bag and pad work. This class will be more difficult than anything I’ve ever tried. It scares me silly.

But scaring myself is part of living a more healthy lifestyle. Being a fat person was safe. Being lazy and hanging around on the sofa meant I didn’t have to work hard. Living a healthier lifestyle means constantly looking for ways to pry myself out of the dark hole where I was hiding and get out there. Total Defense will force me to work harder than I ever have in my life, to stretch myself, and really, that’s what it’s all about.

Roller Derby Disorder of the Boston Derby Dames wrote about a match she saw between the “Wicked Pissahs” and the “Cosmonaughties.”

The scariest moment occurred towards the end when Evilicious ran into the bleachers and didn’t get up. I didn’t see it happen but I heard the thud, which happened right in front of us, but below our field of vision. So we couldn’t see her at all, but we could very clearly see the looks on everyone’s faces as they came running to help, and they scared the crap out of me. The word on the street [...] is that she’s “at home sipping martinis through a straw while recovering from having broken her nose in four places and getting more than 30 stitches in her face. Broken and bruised, but more evil than ever.” No doubt she will be back kickin’ ass soon.

Crabby McSlacker describes parkour and freerunning. Even though she thinks it looks fun, she’s not about to go out and try it herself.

Parkour and FreeRunning are sort of like skateboarding without a skateboard. From what I understand, parkour places more importance on speed; freerunning is more about the acrobatics. But basically, people run around, usually in urban environments, and gratuitously jump over and off of things. They climb up things that don’t look climbable and do flips and fly around in ways that defy gravity. A lot of them seem willing to risk life and limb and incarceration and looking like asses (when they fall) and I didn’t see a lot in the way of helmets or pads.

Tania went white-water rafting and described some of the things she saw.

At one point we came across an indigenous family playing in the river. The mother was sitting on the rocks watching by the 2 boys had logs that had been flatten on top & a handle attached near one end. They would lie on top of the log holding the handle & ride the rapids down & then drag the log back up. It looked like a lot of fun!

This was not my first time white water rafting & I was pleased to find that I am getting better at it. I really found that I have found my balance to be much better & it’s easier to sit in the awkward, twisted paddling position. I was kind of disappointed that every time we hit the class IV rapids he would ask us all to assume the down position. I felt rather ridiculous each time but I am assuming he felt someone in the boat could not handle them.

Even though I was thinking that “mountain biking = scary,” Cloe describes a biking trip with her father in Utah that sounds pretty nice.

All day today, we saw nobody except for our guide within a one hundred fifty mile radius.

On mountain bikes designed by ingenious engineers, we cruised up ledges, down copper dirt, through wet sand.

Patches of snow speckled the eroded sandstone.

Rock salt stains formed plastic shapes in fissures.

A waterfall froze into an ice armchair; my wheels glided over.

I sprung onto Potash and glided on fossils.

Sunlight guided us up, then west.

Sonya Looney is a mountain biker, and describes some of the challenges of training in the cold.

Call me a glutton for punishment, but going uphill (my friend Liz would laugh at me and say mountains are not “hills”) is my favorite thing to do. I can’t tell you how many times this winter I have frozen my limbs off. Climbing up to 8 or 9000 ft in the winter is beautiful and lots of fun, but there is a price to pay — the descent. It’s already somewhere between 15 and 35 [degrees] on a typical day. Couple that with zero degree wind blowing in your face as you descend on a bike at about 20 to 30 mph with wet hair (from sweating on the way up). If you dress too warm, you are guaranteed to be soaking wet with sweat on the downhill. Don’t dress warm enough, and you’ll still freeze on the downhill. There really is limited space in your pockets to bring extra warm clothes…so you’re stuck. The Catch 22 of frostbite. That would be my biggest complaint about winter riding. In fact, I have gotten hope and taken out my braid where literally thin sheets of ice fell out. Sometimes I worry that I am actually going to get “frostbike” and am erratically pulling off the road, ripping off my gloves and trying to put my hands on my back to warm up…or if my feet get cold, it’s bad because there’s nothing I can do.

Becky was skiing in a remote place when she had a bad fall. A friend had to ski to a spot where she could get a cell signal so they could call a rescue helicopter — it turns out Becky had broken her ankle.

I finally was able to push myself upright [after I fell], but when I tried to continue skiing down I realized I couldn’t put any pressure on my left leg without loads of pain shooting thru it. So, with my friend Howard’s help, I proceeded to push myself backwards until I could traverse and ski down on my one good leg to meet up with Kate at the bottom of the gully.

Once I made it to her I knew there was no way I could ski all the way down to the car. There’s no ski patrol or other help around since we weren’t at any ski resort, but luckily there is a helicopter rescue service called Rega, that is ready for situations just like this. I just never thought I’d actually need to use it – But it looked like this time I would! The really amazing thing is that I had just joined Rega the previous day, which includes insurance to cover the expenses for rescues like this. Is that lucky timing or what!

I liked the idea that the blogger at Low Percentage Shot had about the term “Extreme Sports.”

I feel like Extreme Sports should always be followed with an exclamation point, kind of like the E! network.

Do you, or have you, participated in any risky sports? If not, what would you be willing to try?

Related reading:

May Contain Nuts is a social network for people who love extreme sports

Top 10 Female Athletes You Might Not Know

Bike Radar: So You Want to Be a Mountain Biker?

YourMTB.com: The 15 Greatest Mountain Biking Crashes

Ask Patty: Women in Motorsports Blog Carnival

Surfer’s Village: Roxy Pro Gold Coast psychs up for world’s top 17 women (taking place in Australia, 2/23-3/6)

That’s Fit: The World’s Most Dangerous Sports

Helicopter skiing: The Ultimate Adventure Sport

Cyclo-cross: What is it?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer, Fitness | Comments (8)

Reclaiming “Spinster”

18thFebruary2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

What do you think of when you hear the word “spinster?” In addition to thinking of an unmarried woman, you probably picture a woman who is unattractive, or dowdy — someone who would have a hard time attracting a member of the opposite sex due to her appearance, or personality, or both. But if you look at the dictionary definition, being a spinster doesn’t have anything to do with looks.

1. A woman who has remained single beyond the conventional age for marrying.
2. A single woman.
3. A person whose occupation is spinning.

But still, there aren’t a lot of attractive single woman out there referring to themselves as spinsters — or at least, there didn’t used to be.

When I did a blog search for “spinster,” I came up with a list of women who are using the word not just in posts they’re writing, but as part of their official blog name. And why not? There are other terms used to describe females that women have taken control of and reclaimed as their own — look at the popular usage of the word “bitch.” (Or Jane Fonda’s casual use of the c-word on the Today show, when she was describing the title of her monologue as part of The Vagina Monologues.) I see no reason why “spinster” shouldn’t be added to the mix.

I can’t help it — I love when women proclaim loud and proud that they’re fine with being single. This doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be just as happy with a partner; it’s that they don’t require the presence of someone else to lead a happy, fulfilling life.

Spinster in the City likes her title and is ready to claim the word for popular use.

As it turns out there are many self-proclaimed spinsters out there online. When I googled Spinster Blog I got 366,000 hits. [...]

So why are we so ready to calls ourselves spinsters? I was starting to call myself spinster at 23! Did that become some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? I don’t know. Maybe we want to call ourselves spinster before anyone else has a chance to. Maybe we have resolved to stay single, so spinster just sounds appropo. Whatever the reason the word spinster doesn’t have to be a bad word, actually it sounds kind of hip when you strip all past connotations from it. So lets do just that, let go of the past and embrace the future as single swingin’ SPINSTERS!

Devin wrote an interesting post called “The Modern Spinster.”

To a woman in her late 30′s or early 40′s, there are few words that provoke a more negative connotation than spinster. [...]

Today’s spinsters are stuck in a temporary time warp. They are creating the role models that the boys of today need to accept the professional women of the future. However, by performing this role for society, they face their own form of discrimination. How many times have these women been asked, “why are you still single?” Or the backhanded compliment, “I can’t understand why men aren’t beating down your door.” Perhaps the men who ask these questions should simply look in the mirror. Modern spinsters are beautiful, successful, confident and interesting. They no longer wear dowdy clothing and blue glasses. They wear the latest fashion and tinted contact lenses. They do not live with their parents. They live in $500,000 condos decorated with antiques and fine art. They wouldn’t even know what to register for because they already have everything.

Maiden Metallurgist likes being single. I bet she wouldn’t mind calling herself a spinster.

At the end of a long day, all I want to do is get home, cook up some supper, and sit down on the couch. I don’t want to compromise on dinner or share the remote. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I want to read my book or write a little. Maybe I want to knit or drink wine in a bubble bath. I might watch a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon and pick my nose for a while. Make a big bowl of popcorn for dinner and lay in bed watching DVD’s on my laptop. I’m not ready to give up this strange behavior, and I expect I’d have to were I to marry.

This is one reason that I’m not just happy, but some days I’m down right relieved I’m single. At a party on Saturday night with maybe 12 couples I found myself a little overwhelmed. Not because I felt lonely but because it occurred to me just how big a commitment marriage is. I find some solace in the absolute truth that I haven’t met the right person yet. I know this absolutely because I’ve not met someone for whom I’d be willing to make these compromises and change my ways. [...]

I guess I’m just not sure I’m looking to settle down just yet.

Blue explains why she prefers the term “spinster” to “single.”

To me a ‘spinster’, is an unmarried, childless female of a certain age, who lives alone. That describes me perfectly & fits me better than the word ‘Single’, which can be used to describe anyone without a partner, male or female, previously married or not.

Kim had a nice dinner with her mother, and on the drive home she broached the subject that she might never get married. Her mother admitted she’d told her prayer group at church that she had a 30-year-old daughter who wasn’t married. This was Kim’s reaction:

It doesn’t surprise me that she wants so badly for me to get married. She’s Asian, it’s their thing. If she could have she would have bound my feet and arranged my marriage a long time ago. She has actually told me on more than one occasion that I can’t take care of myself and need someone to look after me. What gets me is that, after all these years, she won’t let it go and chalk it up to a lost cause. Instead she turns to her God for help. [...]

Is it wrong that I now want to stay single for the rest of my life out of spite?

A 25-year-old single girl in Silicon Valley calls herself a “spinster-in-waiting.”

Now that my cousin, Audrina, is married, it means that I am the next girl in line in my family to get hitched. So there is my aunt, asking me if I considered trying Match.com and my own grandmother readjusting my cleavage so that I could attract some men. My mother calls me weekly to tell me how she prays each night that I will find a good husband. Because, you know, nothing else is quite as important…like, world peace, ending poverty, etc.

Here I was, thinking all along that I was still young and had plenty of time. But apparently, being 25 and single is akin to being a desperately, hopeless, outcast of society. But with so many other women choosing to focus on their career before settling down, am I really so different from all the other women my age?

Jen (from The Inner Voices of a Spinster in the Making) doesn’t like when married friends assume she has more time on her hands just because she’s single.

Now, I’m sure that if we were to add up all the hours of free time for both single and married people, the married people would have less…but not by much. I think it’s a common misunderstanding by married people that we singles have nothing to do but twiddle our thumbs because we don’t have to take care of a spouse and children.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to belittle the wedded bliss of screaming babies, hungry husbands, dirty children, stinky diapers, and all the things in between. I recognize that they are busily trying to keep track of jobs, homes, children and spouses. I applaud them for their hard work. Someday, I hope I will be lucky enough for my nights and days to be filled with each of those things.

But because I’m not married doesn’t mean I’m not happily active. It just means my life is hectic in a different way. And I understand that a lot of it is of my choosing but nonetheless, I’m busy.

What would you think about calling yourself a “spinster?” It is time to reclaim the term?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (8)

What Draws People To You?

11thFebruary2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

As we approach the “Most Favorite Holiday for Single Women Everywhere,” instead of taking another look at what we love and hate, I think this is the perfect time to celebrate why we are so awesome.

Yes, that’s right, I said awesome. Regardless of whether you’re perfectly happy being alone, actively looking for a date, already attached, or on the verge of breaking up, it’s always a good idea to keep in mind what you have to offer. What is it about you that people are drawn to?

Have you ever given serious thought to the question of, “What positive characteristics do I possess that make other people want to spend time with me?” I don’t mean what you can provide to others in the form of connections or money — things that make it comfortable for someone to spend time with you because you’re able to give them things. And even though initial attraction is largely based on physical appearance, I’m not talking about looks, either. Your big green eyes or hourglass physique may help draw someone to you in the beginning, but there has to be something positive or intriguing about you to keep them coming back.

When thinking about what we have to offer, the hardest part is sticking solely to the positives. I mean, is it just me or when you try to think about what you have going for you, all the negative stuff starts trying to crowd its way in? (Sometimes you’re selfish. Sometimes you’re moody. Sometimes…)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to acknowledge your negatives — after all, if you recognize things about yourself that you should change, there’s nothing wrong with working on them. But that’s not what this is about. What is it about you that would make someone not want to see anyone else but you? I mean…wow. That’s quite an honor if you think about it, isn’t it? There are a lot of people to choose from in this world; if you’re lucky enough to find someone who truly cares about you and makes an effort to make you happy — that seems pretty darn special.

So here are some positive things I would say about myself:

I don’t ask for much. (Jewelry, fancy dinners, exotic vacations? If you have the resources, sure, I wouldn’t turn those things down. But if you don’t have the resources, that’s okay too.) I won’t demand that you do things for me. If I’m pissed or annoyed about something, I get over it quickly. I’m loyal. I’ll say or do silly things to make you laugh. I’ll put the comfort and needs of someone I love in front of my own (I don’t think twice about buying something for someone else if I see they need it or haven’t had the time to get it for themselves; whereas I’d have a much harder time spending the same amount of money on myself).

Michelle put together a list entitled “Someday Someone Will Love Me For Who I Am Because…” Here are a few of the reasons she gave:

* When I love someone, it’s all or nothing.
* I will always laugh at their jokes.
* I am faithful and trustworthy.
* I will always make them feel like they’re the hottest guy on my radar.
* I’m no Rachel Ray, but I try my best to make dinner every night.

Lissa Kaye asks, “How do you measure [personal] growth?” She now speaks up for herself more than she did in the past; she’s more comfortable with her own voice, and her own opinions, instead of worrying about offending someone.

I think it’s nice when people point out the changes they see in us. Sometimes…a lot of the time…we’re not able to see them in ourselves. In the past, I was very careful to never form a solid opinion on anything, terrified that I’d be wrong in the way I thought. I guess I was a flake, changing my mind about issues depending on whomever I was speaking with and agreeing with whatever their views were. I was afraid that, by taking a stance on a position, I’d be offending someone if I spoke my mind. [...]

For me, I measure growth in the number of times I’ve found my voice, and in the moments when I speak my mind. I measure it in the number of times I’ve made mistakes and chosen to laugh over them rather than punish myself. I measure it in the number of genuine smiles I’ve smiled, and in the instances when I’ve refused to plaster on a mask and pretended to feel something I’m not. In the times I’ve made myself vulnerable to people, and have been real with them.

Merrin posted a picture of herself at 17 years old, and compares the way she thought of herself back then with how she sees herself now.

Now that I’m in my thirties, I look back on those pictures (this one in particular), and I realize what a total and complete waste of time it was to be so self-critical. Because really? I was SMOKIN’ HOT! Granted, I’m so much more comfortable in my skin at 33 than I could even contemplate being at 17, but c’mon. What tricks does the mirror play on the 17 year-old female mind? How could I possibly have thought of myself as fat and not very pretty? I’m not trying to come off as conceited or vain, but when you compare 33 year-old me to 17 year-old me, I had it goin’ on.

I guess my point is this: I love being older and more able to appreciate me for me. I also love being able to look back at pictures of myself and appreciate the me I was then. When I have my daughter, I’m going to do everything I possibly can to make sure she loves herself no matter what. And when she’s 17, I want her to be able to look in the mirror and love everything she sees.

Saffa Chick answered the question “What are five things in your life now that you would never have thought would be in your life when you were 25?” Her fifth:

I never expected to be so comfortable in myself, like ever. The 20′s are actually pretty hard self-image-wise: I doubted my skills, my attractiveness, my ambitions, and I bent over backwards to please others to my own detriment. My 30′s have been the decade for accepting myself as I am, and for learning not to care that much what other people think.

Amber likes that she’s becoming more comfortable in her own skin.

I’m happier with myself than I have ever been. I like who I am now. That’s a big thing. I enjoy the time that I can spend with myself now. I no longer have to fill my time with anything in particular. I can just be. I enjoy my own company. Alone is OK. [...]

My life is so much better without all of the background noise of this little junk. I’m so much happier and comfortable without it. Maybe I cant afford it with my illness. Maybe there is no room. Who knows. All I know is that being comfortable in my own skin — being happy with me is really amazing. And for that I am truly grateful.

Donna Lee is trying to put together a list of ten things she likes about herself, and says it’s harder than she thought it would be.

In my family growing up, there were few compliments and little encouragement to think of yourself as special in any way. I remember asking if I looked ok and my parents saying “yes, you look ok”. No one, until my husband told me I was beautiful or special. [i]Now, I am not saying this so that everyone can feel sorry for me.[i] I know people grow up with way worse things happening to them. But it helps explain why I find it so difficult to acknowledge that I [i]am[i] special and I [i]do[i] like things about myself. And it is one of the reasons that I tried to shower my children with praise for their beauty and for their specialness. I don’t want them to hesitate when someone asks them what they like about themselves.

As for me, I’m still working on it. I get nervous everytime I think of writing “I like that I…” because I am afraid that someone will yell “FRAUD! You aren’t like that at all” But I am slowly working up the courage. Today I like that I am compassionate and empathetic. It’s what makes me good at my job (social worker in a community mental health center). It must show somewhere on my person because complete strangers ask me for help and tell me their troubles. Anywhere. In grocery lines, doctor’s offices, banks. You name it and I have heard someone’s life story there. I like that I listen and don’t immediately jump in with offers of help but try to help individuals find their own answers.

And remember: if you don’t have a man, and you really miss that feeling of falling asleep on a guy’s arm, there’s always a substitute. Tracie shows us that you can buy a Boyfriend Arm Pillow for the low, low price of $19.95.

I enjoy a good cuddle in bed here and there, but for the most part, I can’t usually make it through the night without breaking away from the boy: I always begin to sweat, which makes our bodies stick together, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But still, there’s something to be said for those warm and fuzzy moments of cuddling with a guy before it gets all hot and sticky. There’s one position in particular that’s incredibly satisfying: when the dude lays on his back, and you curl up next to him, wedge yourself between his arm and his torso, and lay your head on his shoulder. I’d say that it’s the #1 thing I miss about having a boyfriend. So when readers alerted us to this disembodied arm/half-torso pillow called the “Boyfriend Pillow”, I didn’t find it as creepy as others did; it seemed to me like the perfect solution for those nights when it’s just a party of one. And it was: seriously, guys, I think I’m in love.

What is it about you that other people are drawn to?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (6)

Do You Need a Gym to Work Out? Think Again.

5thFebruary2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Is your go-to excuse for not working out, “I don’t belong to a gym?” Well, that statement is exactly that — an excuse. I know, because I used to rationalize my inactivity the same way: “I don’t belong to a gym, so I have to wait to get fit. I don’t know if I want to make that commitment of time and money.” The thing is, although they certainly can be convenient, you don’t need a gym to get (or stay) fit. There are plenty of other ways to get your heart rate up and gain muscle strength.

It’s easy enough to take the experts’ advice about fitting fitness into our daily lives (like taking the stairs instead of escalators, parking at the back of parking lots, etc). We hear that stuff over and over. Those things are good to do, because every little bit does add up — but if you’re not going to a gym, you’ll probably need to make more effort than that. The good news is that there are a lot of ways to get moving!

How do I fit fitness into my day? For one thing, I try to walk as much as possible. I live in a walkable neighborhood, so when friends come to visit and we want something to eat, I suggest we go out on foot. I also walk from my apartment to the metro every day — at a brisk pace, I can get there in about 13 minutes. Just by walking in the morning and early evening, plus going to-and-from the metro stop in DC to the building where I work, I’ve already completed half an hour of activity before doing any other exercise. (And what do I do while I’m on the metro? That’s #3 in my seven fitness-related facts about me. Like I said, every little bit helps.)

I don’t own any workout DVDs, but there are plenty of people who swear by them. And if you don’t want to buy, you can get them for free from libraries, or even from subscription-DVD services like Netflix and Blockbuster.

What kinds of things could I do better? I could definitely do more when I’m at the office all day. I’m guilty of getting absorbed in what I’m doing and sitting at my desk for hours at a time. I could be like those people who set a timer to go off every half hour to remind them to get up and walk around for a few minutes.

I wish I had the option to walk up and down the stairs when I want to get my heart rate up at work — that’s something I used to do all the time at other jobs — but in my current workplace the only option is to take the elevator (the doors to the stairs lock). I was reminded of this when Amy wrote about having the same predicament:

This weekend, HS and I were talking about how both our workplaces forbid us from using the stairs. Elevators are the only option. I don’t understand why this is — allegedly it’s for security but that doesn’t logically add up. Once you get through the front door, you have access to the whole building, it’s not a floor-by-floor basis.

I don’t think this policy was designed to thwart my fitness efforts, but it seems like employers are reluctant to do easy things which would promote better health and fitness among their employees.

However, if you can’t take the stairs, it’s not the end of the world. Fit Sugar has a great list of everyday things that can be done to burn more calories. Here’s something easy you can do while stuck at a desk:

While seated, perform some isometric exercise to help strengthen and tighten your muscles. For example, while in a seated position, simply contract the abdominals for 30 seconds while breathing naturally. You can also tighten and contract your legs for 60 seconds. Perform about three sets per area. You’ll feel your muscles get tighter in just three weeks if you perform this a few times per week.

Roni has 10 tips for staying active outside of a gym. Among tips like using an exercise ball, dancing while cleaning, and using a hand-held basket instead of a shopping cart at the grocery store, I particularly liked this one:

Five Story Rule — I can’t remember if I told you this one yet. I made a personal rule about 3 years ago to ALWAYS take the stairs if I have to go up or down 5 stories or less. I will seek out a stairway while carrying my luggage if I have to. I’m always shocked at how many people take elevators when they are going up one flight. On campus I see college kids go out of there way to hop on the elevator in a 3 story building! Come on people!

Even though I belong to a gym, when I do cardio I’ve found the time goes by a lot faster if I’m outdoors. Jacki says the same thing — head outside!

There are seven steep hills in my neighborhood that cover a distance of 2.5 miles. I regularly tackle these inclines. Mostly I walk; sometimes I make a feeble attempt at running uphill. I’ve also mapped out another 2.5-mile trek through a nearby neighborhood. This is my running route. Sometimes I combine these two excursions into one. Lately, I’ve been doing a little bike riding with my 6-year-old — he’s new to the world of cycling and has quickly outpaced me — and on occasion, I’ll bike with my mom. I like the outdoors. It seems others do too.

Fresh air is linked to working out more. According to a blurb in the September 2007 issue of Good Housekeeping, people who walk, hike, or bike on trails at least once per week are twice as likely to get 30 minutes of exercise almost every day as those who don’t head outdoors. This doesn’t surprise me. Fresh air is refreshing, invigorating, and the scenery is so much better than indoors. It’s motivating to witness the wonder of nature while exercising. So in the spirit of the great outdoors, I say: Skip the gym. Head outside.

Katie from Sister Skinny is proud of her thriftiness, and that goes for her workouts, too. She doesn’t think exercising needs to cost a ton.

[Weight loss is] cheap! Anyone can try it. Oh sure, there are plenty of gadgets, gizmos, books, attire, charts, pills, and programs and a million other places for you to spend money. But you don’t have to. My weight loss “budget” has included a gym membership and produce. Oh yeah, and an internet connection (wouldn’t have lasted this long without the blog!) Could I have used some new workout clothes? Uh. Yeah. Am I in desperate need of some new shoes? Mmm-hmm. Would I love to go out and buy a bunch of diety books just for fun to spark my motivation? Sure! But I can’t. [...]

[I]t may be easier with a Hollywood trainer and personal chef, but it’s very possible to do it for free. Or at least “on the cheap.”

Why is it that eating less and moving more is a 40 billion dollar a year industry? Do you ever think about your cost-benefit ratio?

Silicon Valley Blogger wrote about the Top 10 Cheapest Ways to Exercise. She points out (in addition to getting DVDs from the library, as I mentioned) there are other places to access free workouts:

Check out free television and internet exercises.
Even more encouraging are the free workouts you can get from various forms of media these days. There are internet sites that can provide you with step-by-step instructions and videos for routines you can regularly use. Television programs devoted to workouts have been around since time immemorial and cheesy or not, they do the job (if you’re shy about following along with the show, just watch it in private).

Chris Sparling gives advice on how to build a no-budget home gym. An example:

Body Bar. Though these aren’t really expensive to buy, you can save a few bucks by making them out of PVC pipe. Simply fill a four-foot segment of PVC with cement sand and seal with caps on both ends. This homemade body bar is a versatile weight for leg or arm raises and can also be used in aerobic routines. Cost = Free if you have the PVC lying around. Otherwise, probably a couple of bucks at the hardware store.

I know I haven’t even scratched the surface of all the available options. So tell me, what’s your favorite way to exercise outside of a gym?

Related reading:

USA Today: Five favorite fitness DVDs

Web MD: The 7 Most Effective Exercises (expensive workout machines not included!)

Workout Mommy believes in fitting in fitness in your everyday life. Do you have a kid in tow? Try working out at the playground!

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer, Fitness | Comments (10)