(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
When my roommate and I go to a bar, we largely attract the attention of older men rather than males closer to our own age. (By “older,” what I mean is “noticeably older than myself.” Like 15 years or more.) I’m not saying these older men act like they want to “hook up” with us – most of the time they’re just looking for a conversation. (Or at least that’s the way they make it seem…I’ve never had an older man ask for my number.) There have been a few older men who were more overtly obvious about their intentions – I’ve had several blatantly walk up to me and say, “I think you’re beautiful” – but in those instances they’ve always said their piece and continued on their way.
(Continuing on their way is a good move, because otherwise my response would be, “Thank you. Now move along.” It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I just don’t think “You’re beautiful” is a good opening line, no matter the person’s age – even if they’re thinking it; even if they really believe it to be true.)
It’s not like we don’t catch younger guys looking at us – but they look from where they’re sitting, or standing. And I don’t have a problem talking to older men if they’re being nice, but I don’t see them as someone I’d want to go out with.
A good friend of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, has given me her opinion multiple times on the types of men she thinks I should be dating. “We live in DC,” she says. “You should be attending parties at embassies and meeting diplomats. Or you could be an executive’s wife.” My friend has good intentions, but all I say in response to her suggestions is, “I have no desire to go to a party at an embassy. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say to those people. On top of all that, I’m not looking for someone with a specific title – the man himself comes first.”
So how old is “too old” for me? I’d say ten years would be my max. But having said that, I know age differences of ten years or more don’t bother everyone. My older sister was married to a man eleven years her senior (they’ve since divorced), and my younger sister is currently living with a man ten years older than she is. A good friend of mine was married to a man fifteen years her senior for over six years (they married when she was nineteen).
I wonder…why is it that younger guys aren’t as comfortable approaching my roommate and I than the older guys? Are the older men not as worried about looking “cool?” Does the possibility of being rejected not bother them as much?
I also think this phenomenon might be related to where you live. City Girl DC lives here in my area. She went out with a female friend one recent Saturday night, and had this experience:
What I love about Marvin [a bar] is that it seems perfectly designed for meeting and conversation. You would think there would be lots of mingling. Instead, as we looked around, all we saw were completely sex-segregated groups. To our left were two women who could pass for models. Behind them, clearly gawking was a group of guys. Not once did the guys make a move. […]
Pam and I were curious as to what the guys would say and decided to ask three attractive, well-dressed guys standing behind us. One was Indian, one Latin American, and the other second-generation African. We figured we would get a good mix of responses. Instead, they were pretty much the same guy. […] They didn’t feel the need to approach women and were of the belief that women should be more willing to approach them. Hmmm. I always find it suspect when a guy has decided that women should take the initiative in dating: asking out, paying on a first date, making the first move, etc. All I know is that these guys were typical of so many guys in DC. They seemed way too interested in saving face. Sorry, but being a guy involves some degree of regular rejection.
Tara has the same experience with older men being the only ones bold enough to approach her, and wonders what’s up with younger guys.
Why is it that I find myself getting hit on by older gentlemen in Hoboken and not the younger fellows? Where are the bright young men of Hobo? […]
A girlfriend and I recently went to a bar in Hoboken on a Saturday night.
We were there to have a drink and watch her alma mater, the University of Virginia football game…hey, a great way to meet guys…young guys! WRONG! No one even approached us… The guys that were there didn’t even budge to come up and say hello. On the way out, I walked passed a young guy who hardly turned his head but did get the slight nerve and sober energy to say “bye ladies”. Ugh! And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a brief portrait of the wildly gifted charm imparted America’s Best – our Young and Upcoming World Financial Business Leaders of Tomorrow.
New blogger Jenny Pruna asks, “Does Love Have a Number?”
I am currently dating a man 10 years older than me. We met at my old job and ever since then we have been dating. Its been a year and a half and we are still in love; if not more than ever. It is not common to see someone dissaprove of us being together when they have not met my boyfriend. Just the age difference alone shows how wrong it is. The common arguments are… “He’s only seeking one thing from you and its not being with you.” “He is too old, you should be with someone your age.” and etc.
Problem is with that last arguement is that every guy I meet at my age isn’t what I am looking for. I want to fall in love and be in that relationship. I no longer want to explore a bunch of bad relationships when I can have one great one full of love.
At the Huffington Post, Christine Hassler is asked for advice by a 27-year-old female dating a 42-year-old man. This is part of Christine’s response:
In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He’s had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery.
The male perspective: Jay Rusovich is in his early 50s, and has this to say about attracting younger women:
Anyone whose reached middle-age has to face the fact that – no matter how we look or feel – we can’t outright cheat the clock. Let a few more years pass and we start to wonder whether or not it’s even appropriate to approach younger women. By ‘appropriate’ I’m thinking along the lines of …will she look at me like I’m out of my fucking mind for assuming she would consider me as a dating candidate? […]
Many young women simply don’t give a damn how many bootcamps you put yourself through every week. Or how interesting you think you are. Or how talented you are. Or how successful you have been. By this time, life was supposed to have yanked you out of the game and thrown you onto your Lazyboy, out in the suburbs, with a family, watching network television… […]
The truth is, a ever-growing number of young women are actively dating older men; particularly in big cities, because these tend to be more sophisticated than their fly-over sisters, and don’t hold the same appreciation for being treated like objects by young men. The same men who routinely take them for granted, and have nothing to talk about other than domestic beer.
This notwithstanding, you still have to also accept the fact that there are a corresponding number of women who can’t fathom dating older guys from any perspective. They want Cinderella. They want Snow White. And intend to ignore the odds against realizing those fantasies in today’s world.
How old would be “too old” for you?
28 Comments
Ten years is about my limit, too. I think at that point, you’re from two different generations, and finding common ground becomes more difficult. I turned a guy down, in part, because of a fifteen-year age differences. I don’t relish the thought of being so-and-so’s “younger” girlfriend.
I am 28, he’s 43 – and it’s quite a fairy tale! No other partner has complemented me so well – and that is something that transcends numbers.
I chose to get involved with him because I wanted Cinderella, not because I’d given up on it.
Well, since I’m dating a man 17 years my senior I have a bit to say about this.
While at first, I was a bit put off by the age difference because I had this notion that older guys who date young must be looking for arm candy or women naive enough to not be straight forward with, I haven’t really found this to be the case with D. In fact, he’s way more honest and straight forward than any 20-or 30-something I’ve dated. He doesn’t play games; he says what’s on his mind; when I ask a question he gives an honest answer.
Now, what the Huff-Po person said makes a lot of sense and sometimes I do wish I was dating somebody who was in the same “place in life” as me (I’m 31, D is 47), I have come to value the wisdom and advice I receive from him as somebody who has already experienced a lot of what I am going through now.
Maybe I just did a shoddy job of choosing men my own age, but the one’s I’ve dated in the past were complete babies–emotionally clueless, unable to commit in the slightest, no attention spans, utterly unreliable. Granted, D isn’t perfect, but neither am I. Should this thing with us not last, I’d have a hard time going back to dating guys my own age. In short, age is a relative thing. And silver hair is sooo sexy (just look at how much better George Clooney looks now, as opposed to when he was in his twenties!).
As an “older” man (I’m 50, and if you’d like to go out with me, you have my number…), I can say, at least for myself, that it’s absolutely the case that I’m less anxious about approaching women — of any age, though I don’t think I’d approach a woman under 40 for a date — than I was 20 or 25 years ago. And that’s true whether we’re talking about approaching a woman I’m “interested” in, or just one I’d like to talk with.
For many, it takes some time and some maturity to cast aside the concerns about what the response will be. First, there’s being comfortable with the realization that most women will be pleasant if I’m pleasant (which means avoiding stupid pickup lines, or untoward directness like, “You’re beautiful,” which implies that I wouldn’t be talking with you if you weren’t).
Second, there’s being comfortable with the inevitable “No, thanks,” responses, of which anyone will get many.
Third, there’s accepting the idea of a worst-case response, some disgusted “eeeuw, go away!” sort of thing. I’ve never elicited one of those (see “being pleasant”), but there’s the fear of that that one must get over.
Finally, there’s being comfortable with oneself, so that one can just be natural and pleasant, without seeming awkward, overeager, overconfident, or unappealing in some other manner. Paradoxically, one who’s too often overconfident can actually lack enough confidence to make the approach, in many cases.
I just find that if I talk with people — men, as well as women — I’ll be noticed by the sorts of women who’ll find me appealing. And that’s the best way to establish a connection. But I was certainly in my late 30s before I understood that.
I’m 20… older than say… 27 would be too old. Well, I’d go a bit older if it was REALLY PERFECT OTHERWISE. Ideally? 23 or 24.
Next post you should do- how YOUNG would you date! Most women won’t date younger than themselves!
I ususlly attract younger guys (and I always find myself attracted to younger guys too). I think my limit would have to be five years, because seriously, 10 years would make the guy 47 and I cannot wrap my brain around that number.
When I was in my 20’s, I was attracted by men in their 30’s. Now that I am 30 I am still attracted by men in their 30’s, I hope I am not stuck there for life LOL.
Actually I think 10 years older is OK but if there is more you have to think about your future and be aware of certain things. I have a neighbour, she’s a 57 yo woman and married to an 80 yo guy. She didn’t think twice when they got married and I think she really loves him but now she’s always complaining that he’s old and sick and doesn’t want to go anywhere and she feels young and healthy and want to travel the world. That’s the kind of thing you have to think about: will that be OK to go through that.
There’s the old adage that Too Young is anyone who is less than ([your age]/2) + 7. So I guess Too Old would be ([my age] – 7) * 2. I’m 27, and while dating a 40 year old is apparently not indecent, I wonder if there are actually many 40-year-olds I have anything in common with.
I’m with you – I’d say conceptually 10 years would be the max. I know that can vary if you were to click with someone that would be the random exception to the rule, but I think beyond that you tend to start to lose that relateability that I think is such an important foundation to any relationship.
I’ve found the same thing as you though (and even more so since my move to NYC in comparison to my DC days). Guys here tend to look across the room as they did in DC, but here I tend to come across the guys who do it with almost an I’m-better-than-you kind of attitude. Thumbs down.
It’s the older guys who are more comfortable in coming over. Maybe because they’re more confident in who they are? Or perhaps they just aren’t as self conscious. My experience has been it’s always the older guys or the most unattractive guy in the bar who feels content to stroll on over…
I agree that 10 years seems like the right limit. I suppose the older you get the bigger than number gets though, huh?
In college I had a 5 year rule (once when I was 18 I dated a 23 yr old but that was it).
Hey, thanks for the shout-out! In terms of age, I really don’t have strict limits because I’ve dated someone 12 years older and 13 years younger and to be honest, the younger guy was way more mature!
I’d also say that 10 years is the limit, because I look about 10 years younger than I really am. Any older than 10, I’d look like I’m dating someone MUCH older than me… I tend to attract younger men at this point anyway.
Hubby is 2 years older than me, and to me, that’s perfect.
If I were single, I would go for YOUNGER!!! Older man don’t attract me. But if I had to date than maybe five years older, as long as he had a lot of money!!
My ex-husband was 11 years older than me, and I was 18 when we got married. I agree with Christine Hassler. Depending on where you are in life, an age difference can be HUGE (as is the difference between 18 and 29), or not a big deal at all (the difference between 38 38 and 49). And in the end, it’s really all about the two specific individuals involved. Ah, l’amour…
I think this is one of those “rules” you make for yourself that is made to be broken. It’s easier if you are closer in age in terms of planning for the future, but I would not turn away real love in a much older or younger package.
Having dated both older and younger men, I found that was is more important to me than age is maturity level (age has nothing to do with maturity), openness, compassion, someone who is equally committed to their own personal growth and well being, and laughter. You gotta be with someone who makes you laugh and has a good sense of humor.
I’m 22, so my instinct is to say no higher than 35, but even that might be too old depending on the person. I think it’s more about where a person is in his/her life than the age.
I am dating a man 30 years older than me and I couldn’t be happier. I have never felt such a deep connection to someone. It was not something that I expected to happen, but when it did it penetrated every part of me. I love him with my whole soul and my every being. There have been the looks and stares, me being a rather good looking 28 year old and him being a healthy and fit 58 year old, we don’t have a care in the world. I know I will lose him earlier than I would hope, but I would have rather loved with everything I had in me for a shorter time than to put up with mediocre love for a long time.
I am 21 years old and i am currently dating an older man. Hes actually 43 years old.. Which he’s 22 years older than me. I love him so much and he does to because he met my parents and most of my family and he have done alot of things to prove me that he loves me like i do. The problem is.. My parents dont accept him and they refuse me to go out with him. I love him so much that age for me does not matter… What should i do??
I came to look on the internet to see if it is wierd to love someone who is older then yourself. The men i love is 28 years older. I tought that oure love was inpossible. But now i read that there are more people i am happy to know that. But i know oure love is inpossible. He is married and has 2 kids. Besides that he lives 10000 km away. But i cant give up true love ! I know i found my soul mate. Love is so unfair sometimes..
I am falling in love with a guy 6 years my senior. The only problem is that I am 14 and he is 20! We have known each other all our lives and hopefully we can date once i am around 18.. he will be 24. It is so sad though because I won’t see him for at least a year+. I know it sounds crazy but we forget about our age when we are together.
I’d like to add to this as well. I’m 22 completely in love with a man 18 years older than I. It was in every way unexpected and a few months ago, I would have answered the same as most peopl here. Saying that 10 years would be my max and I would never imagine a life with someone almost twice my age. Let me say this, YOU DON’T DECIDE WHO COMES INTO YOUR LIFE. love is going to find you, and it doesn’t pay attention to age, gender, color, height, weight or all that jazz. You fall in love with the one who makes you laugh, who’s touch sends tingles through your body, who you feel a sense of uter connection. Yes its true I worry about the future and how I will cope when his age starts to play a role in his health, but whos to say I won’t get sick early as well? we have no idea what the future holds, so I will follow my heart and love him fully everyday while I can. Also, the point was brought up about being in different phases of your lives. He has been married ( divorced), 2 children ( close to my age) successful career a house and all of that which I have yet to accoplish for myself, but at the current time. We are at the same place in our lives. We are both traveling the world, volunteering and taking in the most of what life and this world has to offer. when I am ready to have a house and children to run around, he may too be ready again as well. My point is, you can’t put an age limit on who you’re going to fall in love with, because you may just be cutting yourself short. Follow your heart always. Your not alone.
It is all too refreshing to hear the diverse stories of women in love with older men. I come to this site seeking some perspective on the issue and have found it to be of great clarity. I just met a man who is 13 years older than me, I am 27, he is almost 40. I was very hesitant to pursue this but decided it was worth a shot being that most of the men my age 25-35 are not cutting it right now. They are afraid to get involved, see way too many options out there and freak at the slightest hint of commitment, which for me simply means the audacity to admit we are in a relationship and take the time/ make an effort to make things happen. If that is too much to ask then I really don’t know where to begin. But, I can tell already that this man is different. He talks, openly about things and makes no excuses for the reality of life. I enjoy his company and he is very very sweet to me. I actually didn’t have a problem with our age difference, but when i found out he had children, one 20, and one 18, I began to think about the issues that might arise. What will his daughter think of me or treat me. Am I still a child? What will my parents think….my father is only 49. It might as well be a shot in the dark to continue this, but I think I am going to try. If nothing else the experience might give me some perspective for future love. Any advice?
Love is always worth to fight for. I say follow your heart. Listen to what it tells you. No matter how difficult it is. Dont let other people take away your luck of finding someone you love. Be selfish. There is nothing more greatest to experience love. I think the greatest thing you ever learn is to love and to be loved in return. Why not giving it a try? Whats the worst thing that can happen? Lose that person ? Well at last you have tried. And know you have giving everyting to let it work.
im 25 dating a 45 year old man. i love him very much. i know there is difference in the age but truthfully at first i never would have put him at the age he really is. he acts as though he is around my age. he goes out to places i like to go out but not as often as i go but we go and dance drink and have a great time. the thing is that he is going through a divorce and im kind of disappointed about that because it seems like there is another part of him that i dont really know the full story. i dont wanna fee as though the other woman or as someone that is trying to use him. thats not how it goes in my book. i want us to be happy forever. we have been dating for 6mths now and he really is a hard worker. i love him we have great great sex:) we go out to da movies and out to eat. do anybody think that i maybe getting myself into something i dont want to or just think i should just find someone closer to my own age or just leave it as a friendship. please help a sister out.
why would you look for someone els if you got everyting you want? i would be happy if i found someone who loved me back. treasure what you have, cause it is not something you find easily back.
Well alot of yall are about to judge wat im about to say but just listen up… i am 14 and my “man” is 27 about to be 28 we have been knowing each other since i was six but neither of us ever thought it would be anything more than a close friendship… well one night we were deep into conversation about 2 months ago and we kissed. it was my fault for intiseing him or however u spell it. anyways he lives with my mom and stepdad… and we are not sexually active. he is so deeply in love with me but i dont think i feel the same i mean after all im only 14 and i fall in love frequently… he is not a perve or a rapest just simply a guy that i wanted at the moment… and if i broak up with him he said that we couldnt be friends… because it would hurt to bad to talk to me or even look at me… i for one love it the was it was before. anyways my mom told me that if we ever done anything at all even dateing at a later age it would mess up the family and i love and respect my mothers wishes… im on a 18 and 19 year olds maturity level but i have really got myself deep in mess this time… i want to stop seeing him but keep things the way they were knowing he will hate me afterwards i couldnt bring myself to do it i want him but dont want him because i want to have fun with guys my own age and grow up i have really rushed my life along as i can see. and i dont know wat to do… PLEASE CONTACT ME @ vampirekisses1995@yahoo.com and tell me what you think… by the way its not like i can avoide him he will always be there to show me what i have done. HELP lol i dont know wat else to say besides this is really a mind fuck isnt it? peace everyone
~kelsey
I, like quite a few others found this forum because I am completely stressing about seing a guy who is older, a lot older. I am 18 and he is 57, almost a forty year age gap between us. It is so strange because he is someone I knew as a child and when we met after not seeing each other for 6 years there was this spark. I love being with him, he is so wise and teaches me things and has so much knowledge about everything! I love to just sit and listen and I just don’t find guys my own age interesting at all, they all tell you exactly the same thing. But part of me knows it is far far to old. It is even more complicated because my parents, who are oblivious of what is going on, hate him and he hates them likewise. He is also in a relashionship with somebody who I am very fond of but he wants to end it with her. I trust him but part of me worries that this is just a game to him when my emotiond sre already extremely messed up. Part of me thinks if he really did care for me then he would end it. I am a student and away from home for the first time and I watch all my friends just living the student lifestyle but this part of me doesn’t because it feels like a betrayal and a world I could never bring him into…gahhh!!!! Advice please? email :milphin@aol.com