I saw this woman walking down the sidewalk the other day, and I felt like crying. Literally, I got a pain in my chest when I noticed that her arms – on display in a sleeveless shirt due to the warm weather – were so thin that if I’d circled the upper part of her arm with my thumb and index finger, I’m pretty sure they would have met. I wanted to cry because she was wearing a pair of tiny jeans, and the legs of the jeans were so baggy that it was impossible to see any definition of her actual legs in them.
I wanted to cry because, years ago, I could relate to at least some of the things she’s going through. I never took my disordered eating to the same extent this woman has, but I can relate to the feeling of being hungry. I can relate to looking at something and wanting it, but not eating it. I can relate to sticking fast to a set amount of calories and having my mind race if I had to choose something in a restaurant and I didn’t know how many calories it contained…it was so much easier to just eat at home.
I wanted to cry because, even though my arms were never quite that skinny, they were pretty darn skinny.
I wasn’t very happy during those years – and when I remembered that, it made me think that the woman I saw on the street couldn’t be very happy, either. It’s impossible to be happy and fully live your life if you’re so consumed with how you look and with every single thing you’re putting (or not putting) into your mouth.
I’m so glad I’m not at that place anymore, but now that I’m doing better I can’t help feeling that I should be able to do more. Like the whole inability to do “real” pushups thing. I’m close, and getting closer, but I still can’t do them.
And I kind of felt super-disappointed in myself the other day when someone I know was just sure I could do them by now (my strength has really progressed from where I used to be), but I just couldn’t. I tried, and I tried again.
The reason I was disappointed in myself was because I don’t want to be that weak girl anymore. I liked being able to carry large bins up the stairs when my roommate moved in a few months ago. And I like being able to say, “No, thanks, I’ve got it” when someone offers to take something heavy from me.
So yeah, my arms are no longer sticks, and I can see and feel my biceps when I flex, but I kinda wanted to cry when I couldn’t do those pushups because for just a few minutes – until I got over it – I felt like a failure.
You want to know something else that makes me want to cry…but in a good way? When I realize that failing – at least with this particular goal – doesn’t make me want to quit. It makes me even more determined to succeed.
14 Comments
Zandria,
I just wanted you to know how much of an inspiration your blog has been to me just within the last couple days (I found it through GenPink.) I am a college student in VA, and I hope that by reading through your blog I can learn from what you’ve been through in the past 5 years. This post personally touches me because my roommate freshman year was that girl – the one who couldn’t wear certain pants that were size 0 because they were too big. I hope that we can all make an impact in the world and let girls know how powerful and strong they can be without allowing themselves to become what everyone else thinks they should be.
On another note, I’m up in the DC area all the time (I’m a junior at William and Mary and my boyfriend lives up in DC after graduating last year) so I really enjoy your posts on DC and the pictures on Flickr! Thanks for sharing your insights and thoughts with us – they mean a lot!
What a great post. I agree, thanks for sharing your experiences here. I think it’s great for others to read and see.
Dear Zan. I’m so glad you are not ‘there’ anymore with the weight/eating disorder issue. I think we all obsess about some things, but when it interfers with other aspects of your life, it becomes a real problem. I can relate to your struggle with push ups; my arms seem to be the weakest part of me too, and I have never been able to do pull ups or push ups. I remember in high school, i managed to do three pull ups in P.E.
So what if you cannot do them? Excell in another thing…like belly dancing! 
Oh boy, can I relate. It’s funny I read this today because I just started a draft of another post on push-ups. I think you would like this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/11/health/nutrition/11well.html
Remember that the journey of 1,001 push-ups really does begin with a single push-up. Once you can do one, you’ll have the confidence to try another one. Something that helped was having a friend put his arms around (but not touching) my torso while I was starting a push-up (so his clasped hands were under my navel). I lowered to the point that my muscles failed and he caught me, then held me until I could push back up.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Yeah, it really gets me to see someone who’s obviously in the grips of a serious ED. It’s so hard to get over. Years and years of therapy and one pair of jeans dried in the dryer can send me on a 48 hour fast. But we live, we learn, we roll with the punches…
I’m working on my pushups too–so far, I can go about halfway down. Once. I’ll get there!
i completely relate to every comment – and your post, of course. i have been dealing with an ed for the past 10 years, and a part of me thinks that i will never be “over” it. like mono, or a virus, the ed is always in you – i think that it’s whether or not the disease is latent/ active… that is the important thing.
thank you for your honesty!
robin
i love this post. And just want to add that I’m still trying to get back to those push ups too. Keep working on it, you’ll get there.
Wow, it’s so clear that you’ve come far from where you once were. That by itself is amazing and encouraging. Keep at it, girl!
Zandria,
this is a great post. One which many girls out there should read. Having shapely arms and legs is so attractive and feels so good to not have clothes falling of your body. You definitely look like you feel healthier in your more recent photos.
Glad you got healthy. Stay strong, keep working, and those push ups will come. Do sets of “chest” so you can pop up and down like Demi Moore in GI Jane.
once again folks, pushups are not primarily an arm exercise!
more importantly, i didn’t mean to make you feel bad about yourself, i just don’t quite understand physically how you can do so many girly pushups and not be able to do one real pushup. i just don’t understand the physics of it, it doesn’t make sense. i doubt i could do 20 girly pushups but i could do one real one.
are you doing the girly ones until you can’t do any more? i mean, don’t take a break after 10 unless you literally can’t do an 11th. then take a break for about a minute and do as many as you can until you literally can’t do any more.
also, try doing negative pushups – from a girly pushup position, straighten your legs to get into a real pushup position with your arms extended, then slowly lower yourself as if you were doing the down part of a real pushup. then use your knees to get back into the fully extended position and lower yourself down again.
great post! I’m still at the 1st rep of my push ups… my core just isn’t strong enough yet.
your determination is very motivating and inspiring… thanks for sharing!
This is such an honest and raw post and I thank you for sharing it. I have been where you have been, too (congratulations on pulling yourself out) and when I see other women obviously suffering – baggy skinny jeans, dinosaur-like spine, frizzy hair clearly due to lack of nutrients – I want to cry. And scream. And hug them. But I know I can’t and I know if someone had done that to me when I was sick, I would’ve freaked out on them. Your reaction is proof of how far you have come and I hope you feel truly great about your progress. I’m really happy I’ve found this blog – VERY relatable and inspiring!