(This is cross-posted at BlogHer, for their “Mother Knows Best” series taking place in May.)
When it comes to relationships, what I learned from my mother was largely unspoken. I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have two sisters (one is two years older than me, the other three years younger), and I asked them not long ago if they remembered receiving any advice about men and relationships. The response was unanimous — our mother just isn’t one to give unsolicited advice.
If the alternative was the opposite — someone who was constantly meddling — I wouldn’t want that, either. I’ve never had to worry about being questioned about my choice to remain “perpetually single” for years on end. Mom has never once asked me (when I’m single) why I don’t have a boyfriend, or when I’m planning to get married, or what my timeline is for having a child. I’ve never had to deal with that kind of pressure or expectation, and I appreciate that.
What could explain this lack of advice giving? As a bit of background, my sisters and I grew up in a very conservative home. Our parents took us to a Baptist church pretty much every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night between the time I was a few years old until I was about fifteen. We were only allowed to listen to Christian music, and any videos that came into our home were scrutinized. We were never left to our own devices to choose and watch a movie. My dad would post himself near the VCR so he could fast-forward through anything that he deemed a bad influence. In that kind of situation, you might imagine how embarrassed we’d be if we were unfortunate enough to witness a [begin whispering] sex scene [end whispering].
My opinion on that? There is such a thing as being too protected from the outside world. I can understand banning horror films or maybe certain rated-R movies. But growing up in an environment where my parents would stiffen and produce audible sighs when someone on-screen uttered a curse word, or — heaven forbid — took their clothes off? When I watched Dirty Dancing (in secret) at a friend’s house, I felt like a criminal.
If the topic of relationships and sexuality is never brought up, if anything having to do with sex is considered “bad,” it creates an environment of shame. I don’t mind that my upbringing turned me into someone who dresses modestly, and who doesn’t like to draw attention to herself. But it really did take me a long time to come out of my shell.
It’s only been in the past year that I felt comfortable standing in front of a man without covering myself up. The first few times we got in the shower together I wouldn’t do it unless the lights were off. (And yes, I almost left the previous two sentences out of this post, simply because I know my mom will read this. I still find the prospect of discussing anything having to do with sex with her as completely unthinkable.)
So yes, in certain ways I wish there had been more discussion of sex when I was growing up — or at least a more open attitude about it. I wish I hadn’t grown up thinking that sex, and the discussion thereof, was something shameful that was to be avoided. I learned about the birds and the bees when mom gave me a book to read. (At the time, this method was fine by me because I was very shy and easily embarrassed. Having a conversation about sex with my mother, who would have been equally embarrassed to be having such a discussion, would have been unimaginably awkward.)
The lack of advice doesn’t mean that I didn’t know what kind of relationship my mother wanted me to have. We were Baptists. I knew she wanted me to find a nice, Christian man and not have sex until we got married. In fact, during my early teen years my parents talked about not allowing me and my sisters to go on “real” dates — instead, they thought we should be courted by having men come to visit us at our house. As you can imagine, even though none of us had even had a boyfriend up to that point, we were horrified at the prospect of courting. (Which, thankfully, never had to be enforced. My parents separated when I was a senior in high school and my mom allowed me to go out with a guy on my own shortly before I graduated. Then I moved away to go to college and I’ve been making my own decisions ever since.)
My mother is a wonderful, caring person (all of my friends love her; she’s opened her home to me on several occasions when I needed a place to live for a month or two), but the things I’ve learned from her were learned by example. I let her know what’s going on in my life, but as an adult I still don’t to go her for advice. The conversation I had last night with two girlfriends (while eating dinner at a Thai restaurant, no less) about sex? That would never happen with my mom.
I emailed mom last week, asking if she remembered giving me any advice about relationships (with my self-admitted bad memory, I thought it was entirely possible she might think of something she used to tell us that I could no longer recall). Part of her response:
I have always tried to give you all the space to make your own decisions without getting preachy about it…Comments/thought provoking questions only; then drop it. Now that all of you are older I hope you always choose a “path with a heart.”
See? She acknowledges that she isn’t an advice-giver, but you can sense the support in her words. And, really, the most important thing to me is that mom has always been supportive of my various endeavors, and I know that she cares about my happiness. If I’m happy, she’s happy. If I’m taking care of myself, she’s proud of me. And I don’t need any advice for that.
Related Reading:
Stephanie describes herself as a Momma’s Baby, and still consults her mother for advice on a regular basis
Katie received from bad advice from her mother that almost resulted in all four wheels coming off her car
Jana says her mother provided a “safe place” when she really needed her
Jezebel: Which One Of The Five Types Of Moms Do You Have?
19 Comments
I couldn’t talk to my mom about a lot of things. I think it’s because she didn’t have a open relationship with her mother so she didn’t know how to relate.
If anything, she would make me feel shameful about the things that were coming up in my life. Later on, (when she was on her deathbed) she told me that she wanted to be closer to me but she didn’t know how to do it.
Talking about sex with my father? No way, not outwardly. If he asks me a question, I’ll tell him but I won’t be admitting it first!
When I have children, I hope to find a healthy medium with them.
That is sort of nice that your mom doesn’t pressure you about your relationships (I have a grandmother I can lend you if you need someone to obsess over your unmarried state!) when you are single and only gives advice when asked, but is still supportive.
At least you HAD a television. I too grew up in an ultra-conservative/religious environment (my dad was a pastor for much of my childhood) and we didn’t even HAVE a television until I got to middle school. I can totally relate to the movie embarrassment, though my Dad was all about shutting off inappropriate movies, by the third swear word we weren’t allowed to keep watching!
Great post Zan.
Fabulous post. We’ve got so much in common… I grew up Southern Baptist. And the first “risque” movie I saw was also Dirty Dancing, and it was at a friend’s house. I explicitly remember us trying to watch it on TV before then, and my mom turned it off before the opening credits passed. Darn them for putting all that body rubbing in the intro like that. Gee.
I think it’s a fine line… protection is good, but it can instill that uncomfort you are talking about for sure. I guess though it’s easier to work your way towards that than to recover from that many years of an unsafe lifestyle. Again though, all is about balance I think.
My mom has always asked ME for advice. When she caught my dad cheating and needed someone to talk to, she talked TO ME. However bad you might imagine it was, it was worse. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but it would’ve been nice to have her give me advice (and spare me the details of her sex life)…
I really enjoyed reading this post, Zandria. My mom and I talk about pretty much everything, even sex, just not the particular sex that I am having. It is always rhetorical, which always cracks me up.
It’s nice that your mom tried to pass on her beliefs to you without forcing them on you. Growing up the only girl in a Catholic home, my family made their opinions on relationships very clear. I didn’t always follow their advice, but I listened. Luckily, my mom has always been very open (maybe a little TOO open LOL) and I can talk to her about anything. My dad, on the other hand, I would never even mention the word sex in front of him.
That sounds like a good relationship. My mum supports me in pretty much whatever I do and she does a pretty good job of not meddling and pressing her advice on me. But she’ll listen when I go to her and she’ll ask me if I’d like to hear her opinion on it, which I really appreciate (because sometimes you just need to vent- and other times, you REALLY need some good advice!).
I totally know what you mean, my relationship with my mom is very similar. She’s great, and we can talk about anything, but we never talk about sex – and that’s fine.
Great post! I have a similar relationship with my mom, and we definitely don’t talk about sex. To her, talking about it is totally taboo and out of the question.
I’ve never received any sort of relationship or sex advice from my mom either (but I don’t think I would want it anyway). Like your parents, mine are conservative, but Catholics. They definitely were not happy when my boyfriend moved in with me, but know that it was my choice, and have never treated me differently because of it.
great post. my father sounds like your mother – never one to give unsolicited advice. mothers are always right, aren’t they?
Well, you can discuss it with me, I’m much more liberal than your mother. On the other hand, it won’t do you much good: I’m too old for you, and I’m afraid I’d be too likely to commit a controversial act. I can’t say that I have noo shame, but it may be true that even now you’re too good for a reprobate like me. I have fantasies, but I try not to share them with anyone as kind and considierate as you are. At least you’re not Pollyanna. For that matter, at least I’M not!!!
Courting? That is so generational. I soooo wish men still courted some like in the Jane Austen movies. Now, it’s “Hey you’re hot, wanna hook up?” *ugh*
Me too on the advice from folks. I grew up in a strict Catholic home so you know how Catholics are about sex & guilt. Although,as I got older, the folks loosened way up. They are like my best friends now, and I feel comfortable talking to them about anything. My mom is the Complete Mother in so many ways. I won the parent lottery.
well i do not think its because of how religious your parents were. even thou we grew up only about 500 feet from one another , my parents were the poler opiset of yours , i could do what ever when ever with who ever, but ive never gotten advice about relationships and i felt every bit of the embarrassment about watching films where any thing taboo might accrue.i rember many times when i would have to leave the room when watching films because it was to emberising to watch theme in the same room as mom or dad .as far as sex, and the discussion thereof, i still fell as thou it is something shameful that must be avoided when it comes to my parents. i think its sort of natural for this to occur. so the real question is why do we feel this way .
This is really interesting!
I’m not close to either of my parents and a lot of these things (no sex scenes on tv etc) were the same for me. It’s kind of amazing the way that it affects you later in life – keep in mind, my dad still gets uncomfortable and carries on if there is a tampon ad on tv… I wish there was a way that I could have grown up without the hangups or found a way to deal with (sex!) things like an adult, not a 14yo Catholic schoolgirl…
(Don’t get me wrong – we’re close enough, but not close enough to talk about ‘adult’ things!)
Yeah, I hear you Zan. I kinda wish my mother was more “meddling” than she was too. Oh, I knew what kind of thing my mother expected, but growing up, and looking back, it feels a little bit like she didn’t want to get her “hands dirty” and have those uncomfortable conversations that would have made us closer. I also feel like I have been making my own decisions my whole life. And while this is a great freedom, it also is a little bit lonely.
My mom was the 2nd oldest of 8 kids. She never had one-on-one time w/her own mom, so even though I only have one brother, my mom didn’t necessarily know how to have “the talk” with us.
I vaguely remember her saying something about being in love & getting married, an uncomfortable mention of penises & vaginas, and “I hope you make good decisions” to top it all off.
Unfortunately, she was convinced that my husband was my “first” but I know it would kill her to find out he wasn’t. So I won’t say anything to her about. It’s been 17 years since I lost my virginity but I’m still not sure she’d want to hear about it!! LOL!