(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
I’ve done my fair share of hiding, and I think I’m pretty good at it. At least I used to be. Spending time alone isn’t something I enjoy nearly as much as I used to. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t mind having some solitude once in a while, but I used to spend a lot more time by myself than I do now.
A long-time reader of my blog left a comment on the Letter to My Body post I wrote last Thursday, and that’s where all these thoughts about hiding are coming from. Acknowledging that he’s never met or seen me in person, he said he was still “amazed” that he’d never known I’d had body-image issues, and reading my post made him question whether other people he knows might have gone through the same thing without ever saying anything. (To that, I say: yes, it’s very likely.) Then he posed this question:
[W]ould you think from your posts over the years — before you started working out, and started feeling more self-confident about your body…and before you started openly posting about body image…would you think a reader of your site over the years should have known you had these issues, or do you think you hid it from us, succesfully, since you began to blog? I wonder if you posted oblique references to your concerns (whether consciously or subconsciously), that maybe I, or others, just missed — or that perhaps we should have noted, and asked you about?
The answer is: no, I don’t think it was something that anyone reading my blog would have noticed. The people I knew in person could tell by the way I looked, and by what I ate, and by what my attitude was like, that I wasn’t my old self. But I don’t recall ever making any hints on my blog that I wanted my readers to pick up on. If anything, I was trying to hide my problems not only from the blog world, but also from the people I knew. And the way I did that was by avoiding people.
This is hard for me to talk about (but when the question was asked, I knew it was time to answer). It’s easier now because I feel like I’ve moved on from that time in my life. See, I’ve mentioned before that I was single for many years, and it was my choice to be that way. And it was. But part of the reason for that — the reason I didn’t put myself “out there” to have the type of encounters that would result in meeting eligible men — was because it was easier to be alone.
When you’re alone, you don’t have to worry about questions. You can eat as much or as little as you want. You can subsist on steamed vegetables and microwave popcorn without being asked such annoying questions as, “Don’t you want to vary your diet a bit?” (Answer: no. I know exactly how many calories are in this food. It’s safe. Stop bothering me.) My diet is more varied today than it used to be, but I’ve been honest about the fact that I still find it easier to eat a lot of the same foods all the time, rather than trying something new. Sometimes I’ll go for weeks without ever eating popcorn, but yesterday I had two bags — one bag early in the afternoon, and then another around dinner time. Old habits die hard.
So if I was doing my best to hide from in-person encounters, there was no way I was going to reach out on my blog. I was in college at the time; I talked about that. I went to Amsterdam; I talked about that. But did I ever mention that I hardly ever ate out at restaurants when I lived in Amsterdam for five months? No, I didn’t mention that. So I’m telling you guys now. I bought food mostly from grocery stores, and I tried my best to figure out the calories in what I was eating. (It was more difficult with European food, since the way they display nutritional information is different from the way we do it — instead of calories being listed “per serving,” they’re listed “per 100 grams.”)
It’s easy to hide behind a blog. Even if you disclose certain things, you’re never telling everything about yourself. I’m being more honest right now about things that were going on years ago, but how would you know if I’m leaving out something that’s going on in my life — or in my head — right now? You wouldn’t know.
We hide all kinds of things. Some people binge and purge, and you would never know it by looking at them. Some people hide the fact that they’re cheating on their significant other. Some people lie about their real age, or how much they weigh. Some people have negative thoughts about others that aren’t politically correct, so they keep them inside.
I don’t hide nearly as much as I used to, and that’s because I’ve made strides to separate myself from body image issues. I’ve discovered how much fun it is to make an effort to get out and interact with people. I take the initiative to contact my friends and ask them to do things; if my roommate and I are both in town over a weekend we know we’re going to get out at least one night and get ourselves into some kind of trouble (just a figure of speech, of course).
My friend Jen, at Semi-Charmed Wife, wrote a post a few weeks ago that I identified with in a big way.
I have a long history of disordered eating, so I tend to use food as a soothing mechanism. I also get very panicky about food…It’s kind of embarassing to talk about, but what the hell. Recovering anorexics and bulimics tend to be very controlled in their eating. If someone asks me for a bite of my food, I get so anxious and upset. What if there isn’t enough??? What if they take more than I want them to?? How will I know exactly how much I’ve had if they eat some of my premeasured portion???? Needless to say, it can be difficult to explain to others.
I still do this, too. I’m a lot better than I used to be, but this is just another example of how certain habits never completely leave you (or if they do, it’s going to take a lot longer than just a few years). I know how many calories I’ve eaten in a day, so if I’ve prepared my 200-calorie snack and someone else starts picking at it? Like Jen asked, “How will I know exactly how much I’ve had if they eat some of my premeasured portion?” It’s not right, but the thoughts are there.
G.G. is trying to lose weight. Instead of hiding, she decided she’d post photos online.
Getting my picture taken in June last year was an important first step in making changes. Those pictures sat in my camera a good two weeks before I could bring myself to look at them, because I knew they were going to be bad. [...]
I had posted one of these pictures, but not the others. [...]
Posting pictures, even really bad ones, is also helping me be less self-conscious about my physical self, and about my past.
Heather decided to share five things on her blog that she’s normally “pretty good at hiding.”
Is there anyone else who identifies with what I went through?
13 Comments
Hiding? Definitely. Who doesn’t, to some extent?
I prefer not going out to eat with people unless I’m particularly close with them, or they’re people I eat with all the time, anyway. I don’t want people I don’t trust to see my strange eating habits. Ordering way too much, picking at my food long after I’m actually full, boxing things up to take home even if all that’s left is a tiny portion or all mangly because I just can’t let it go.
I hide from people, too. Friends that I love and adore and miss terribly but haven’t seen in a few years? OMG, they will totally see how fat I’ve gotten and WHAT WILL THEY THINK? I have to make myself, because I’m at least rational enough to know I’ll hate myself for chickening out. But it’s so hard and it’s never people who would judge me. That’s all in MY head not theirs.
My blog? I have to stop myself because when I’m focusing on what I’m eating and trying to make that healthier and less fattening I OBSESS over food. I stop myself from blogging about it because I would do it constantly. It would be four or five or six posts a day all about how I really want a piece of cake right now, and how I did not want to eat that fruit for breakfast because it was all smooshy and how I think I need to be getting more protein because I don’t think I’m supposed to be feeling shaky like this and maybe it’s the protein. All day long, this is the running dialogue in my head. Once I get into the swing of a new eating pattern, it settles down until I start to get bored.
So that’s what I hide from my blog. Ha ha!
As for eating the same things – I totally hear you! It’s so much easier that way. Personaly, I’m indecisive as all get-out, so having a limited number of choices makes things so much easier for me.
Until I get bored.
Every time I see someone write honestly, candidly, and realistically about what disordered eating does to your life, I want to stand up and applaud. It gets so glamorized by pin-thin celebs, but the truth is that living that way is a lonely, isolating, life-denying experience.
I entirely identify with what you’re saying. I’ve spent 13 years wrestling with these demons, and I think about all that I’ve lost (given away would be more accurate), it breaks my heart. How many times did I avoid seeing a close friend or family member because I knew they’d see how skinny I was and freak out? How many vacations did I pass up because eating in a new environment is stressful? How many times did I lie to my loved ones and say I’d already eaten so I wouldn’t have to risk eating strange food at family barbecues and dinners out? How many irreplaceable hours (and dollars) have I lost to binging and purging?
For me, the hiding and the lying was every bit as painful and destructive as the actual eating disorder. I make a conscious effort to be honest and open about my experiences now, but it’s still hard–especially with my husband. I just don’t want to… let him down?
Thanks for this post!
Amazing post Zan…revelatory, really…it’s amazing, and sad, how many things we hide. I never would have guessed anything above, that you talked about here. And I think your friends and family, in some cases, wouldn’t have known everything you disclosed here, either (maybe some of this, but not everything, I would think). But I am very happy you are…is making progress a proper way of expressing it? I’m very happy you are more socially engaged, if that is a better way of saying it. Now I wonder, after having responded to my earlier questions, if speaking in a public forum such as this is a way of furthering the progress, or if it was just a moment of “Phew, glad I’ve finished THAT post?”. :) Thank you for writing such a terrific post Zan. Have a great Memorial Day, Chris
Another Chris: I definitely saw this post as “furthering the healing process,” and not just something I did to get it out of the way. Thank you for your kind words (and also for being the inspiration for this post).
Zan, as one of those friends that was worried about you during a lot of the hiding times, I am so glad to see you write this post and the letter to your body. It is good to see a healthy Zandria, not only in body, but as someone who had a sister that had eating disorder and knows what it does to your mind, seeing that you are more mentally healthy as well.
I wouldn’t have known anything had you not mentioned it. I think we all hide things to an extent, and in looking at the bigger picture, society as a whole doesn’t help us with that or any other body image issues. But I’m glad you are no longer hiding. :)
Having “hidden” bulimia for many years I can totally identify with this. I write “hidden” though, because after I came to terms with it all I found out that many close friends were on to me for a long time already but ahd no idea how start talking about it. For me the changes started to happen when I started to accept that it is ok to not be perfect and to make mistakes.
I now work at a small college that has quite a stressful working and living environment. As such it is quite well known that many girls there have eating disorders. Though I never know for sure of course I do often get hunches about who does and who does not have an eating disorder.
Symptoms in general: perfectionistic, scared to death of not scoring straight A’s, of not living up to expectations of others and indeed generally hiding behind a mask, not showing true feelings, sounding too rational and being overly critical of themselves.
I saw you were reading “gaining”. Just got myself a copy as well. Very interesting and recognisable. would love to share some thougths about that!
NB one last questions that has been going through my head for some time.
Since eating disorders are generally a coping mechasnism to deal with emotions (I think) they are usually replaced by something else (some other obsession?) when they are over. For me i have noticed that I go impulse shopping now when I am bothered by something but do not recognize it yet. do you have a similar experiences?
(Maybe I should indeed blog about this as well instead of writing loooooong comments. :-))
Thank you, everyone, as always, for all the support and nice comments.
Mikkie: I honestly can’t think of another “obsession” that I’ve turned to in order to replace my former obsession. I’m interested in fitness, of course, but I think it’s in a healthy way — I’m not overdoing it, or over-training or anything.
WOW…Zandria, I think I’m going to have to quote Dr. Phil when he says “you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge” which so true and speaking about such a glamorized disease openly to the world goes above and beyond. Hiding is something we all do sometimes too well and it’s really not good for our sanity. But it’s easy to get caught in the WWPS syndrome–thats What Would People Say.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I think it will help others open up, maybe not on a blog but in their own world with their own friends. Great story. Keep up the good work.
Wow… I’m really blown away by your honesty. It’s fantastic.
I definitely know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s much easier, sometimes, to stick to a very strict regimen if you can do it alone with no one asking difficult and awkward questions. I try to make a point of eating with other people so that I won’t impose silly regulations on my food intake and all now.
Thank you for the open and honest post, Zandria. As a recovering anorexic, I completely get where you are coming from. And I don’t share much on my blog – hardly anything at all. A few months ago, I went through a difficult break-up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, but I never mentioned it. Your post makes me want to be more real – with myself (how cliche!) and others.
I understand all about the hiding. I know I’m late replying to this post but lately a lot; I’ve been plagued with a lot of issues in regards to my hiding out.
I am definitely tend to be a loner anyway but lately, I think I’ve bordered on being hermit-like.
I always have issues seeing old friends and family because the FIRST thing they talk about is my weight (how small or heavier I’ve become), that in order to attract a suitable mate I have to be presentable always, etc.
Yesterday, I went to a picnic with my grand-daddy. I had one plate of Southern goodness and throughly enjoyed it. I went back for seconds, which I half finished and I felt less so. The guilt crept up and I stopped enjoying myself.
I can’t enjoy eating with my family, I realized. My old demons come raging out bad and I always end up feeling horrible about myself.