(This is cross-posted at BlogHer. Sometimes a post can attract more attention than you expected — check out the original post to see some really great comments from BlogHer readers.)
I’m not a scientist; I don’t have a PhD; I don’t conduct research studies for a living. But I read the news. I read blogs. I talk to people, and I observe. Based on what I’ve seen, heard, and observed, I truly don’t believe married women are happier than single women just because they happen to be in a relationship. Barring a catastrophic event or a clinical diagnosis, happiness is a choice, regardless of your relationship status.
Are some married women blissfully happy? Of course. Are there also blissfully happy single women? No doubt.
There will always be single women who — while working to support themselves, maintaining relationships with friends and family, dating, traveling, and generally living their lives — are going to be unhappy. They may even think the sole cause of their unhappiness is the fact they’re not in a relationship.
But on the flip side, there are plenty of married women who are discontent. Maybe they feel like they’re being taken advantage of because they take on most of the household duties. Maybe their husband never takes the time to make them feel loved and appreciated. There could be all kinds of reasons.
Being married is not a magic cure-all for a low level of happiness. If that was the case, people would never get divorced. They would never cheat on their spouses. They would never complain about their partner to their girlfriends.
Many people think they’d be happier if they were just in a different situation. If you don’t have a partner, you think you’ll be better off if there’s someone else around. If you do have someone, I bet there are plenty of times when that person gets on your last nerve — and you envy your single girlfriends who get to go home by themselves at night.
Dr. Pam Spurr says “single women who say they are happy are lying.”
[D]o you believe any single woman over 30 is being honest when she claims to be happy that way? I don’t.
What’s really going on behind that confident demeanour and fulfilled exterior is crushing loneliness and desperation.
Single women become adept at playing the isn’t-life-grand game.
They have to do it around men so they don’t appear desperate.
Does anyone else get upset when people use all-or-nothing phrases like, “You always do this,” or “You never do that?” How does Dr. Spurr think she can speak for all single women? (Or maybe she’s perfectly aware of the large number of happy single women, but uses phrases like the ones above to get the attention she craves?)
Megan Carpentier at Jezebel had this to say about Dr. Spurr’s article:
The title [of the article] alone makes me want to shake her, but reading it, oh dear God, reading it made me realize that she also needs to lose her license to treat her patients and be shaken by the shoulders until the stupid falls out. Why is it that some people — usually women — think that the only path to personal fulfillment is at the end of an aisle? [...]
As far as I’m concerned, there’s a reason the phrase “settling down” contains the word “settling,” and that reason has a hell of a lot to do with the divorce rate. There’s this social drum beat to marry, marry, marry that I think many women (and men) mistake for their supposed biological clock, and so they run off and pick the most likely candidate and off to the Grown Up Races they go. You know what really sucks? What makes a woman really, really, really unhappy? A fucked up relationship. I’ve found that you can actually be lonelier in an unhappy relationship with someone than being single.
Sure, it’s nice to have someone. It’s great to be in a happy relationship. But to echo what Megan said, is there anything worse than being with someone who doesn’t make you happy, or isn’t right for you? I’d rather be lonely and single for the rest of my life than coupled and miserable.
In response to the article, Rachel Shukert at Salon says, “let’s not forget [about] the men.”
Study after study has found that married men are happier, are healthier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts — so where are the articles bemoaning the plight of sad male singletons, huddled over pints with their buddies, ordering takeout in dingy apartments and haunted by generalized feelings of loneliness and despair?
Or does that just not sell?
Meganwegan is over 30 and single:
Now, fair disclosure, I would love to meet someone. I would love to meet a man who makes me smile, makes me laugh, is entertaining, and all the other things on my ever-growing list of things I want in a partner. But given recent history, and the fact he doesn’t appear to be appearing round any corners and time soon, I’ll get on with the business of making myself happy, thanks very much. [...]
If being in a relationship makes you happy, great. But I would suggest that you’re never going to be truly happy in a relationship, until you are happy with yourself. And I’ve been around enough bad marriages to be in no hurry to march down an aisle, despite my love of big white dresses.
I’m not against being married. If it happens for me one day, it happens. But I do know that my happiness is up to me, and it isn’t dictated by who is (or isn’t) in my life at any particular time. It will be up to me to change my job if I can’t stand what I’m doing. It will be up to me to find a new place to live if I’m no longer content where I am. It will be up to me to challenge myself to try new things and continue to grow as a person. It will be up to me to cultivate and maintain relationships with family and friends.
Those choices are up to me, whether I’m single or married.
What do you guys think?
18 Comments
Since I’m newly in a relationship, I have realized that I am very happy single and very happy in a relationship… depending on the day/circumstances/etc. I hope this doesn’t make me sound cynical, but I think we all have moments of happiness, some more than others, but I think it is contentment that lasts. And I think that contentment derives from being happy (there’s that word!) with the choices we make in our lives – with who we are – day in and day out. Great post, Zandria!
This is great. I loved Megan Carpentier’s statement of “…there’s a reason the phrase ‘settling down’ contains the word ‘settling’”.
I totally agree. Am I happy in a healthy, good commited relationship? Absolutely. Was I my most miserable when I was trying to force myself once upon a time to stay in a long-term committed relationship because I thought it was easier than being single? Absolutely.
Being pretty much single gosh some six years (with some short-term relationships in the interim), I’ve also learned I can be extremely happy on my own, which I think is important. People who get married really early never learn that, so I have embraced my singleness.
Would I love to find the right person and settle down and live happily ever after? Sure. But the key word is “happily”. There’s nothing more miserable to me than the thought of waking up day after day to the wrong person next to me. And that? That I am sure of.
I can’t believe that in 2008 we’re still playing the pitting women against each other game. A person’s happiness does not depend upon their marital status and it just boggles the mind that a
quackwould insist that that is the case.GREAT POST! Someone needs to poke that Dr in the eye. I was miserable when I was engaged. So far being single thus far isn’t too bad – I turned 35 today and I am not panicking – it happens when it happens. If it doesn’t – oh well there are other ways I have children.
Totally agree. Being single and being in a relationship does not dictate happiness. And it also depends on the person; some people ARE happier when they’re single or when they’re in a relationship.
I have to agree, single women can be just as happy, or even happier, than married women. I was happy when I was single, and I’m happy now that I’m married. Too many women make the mistake of thinking they need a man to complete them. Women are perfectly capable of living happy, fulfilling lives on their own! It’s nice to have a partner in life, but it is definitely not a requirement for happiness.
I just can’t believe that we’re still having this conversation in 2008–seriously! That woman is beyond ridiculous. I’ve been both–single and married–and I’ve been miserable at both (first time down the aisle was a huge mistake) and deliriously happy at both. Happiness has nothing to do with whether your name begins with Mrs.
I think the bottom line is that we live in a society where everybody is constantly searching for something, and some company is always trying to sell us it. We’re made to be constantly in a state of “my life would be perfect if I could just… find the perfect guy/have the perfect body/own those shoes/have a career as good as my friend” etc etc.
As you rightly say, true happiness is knowing that the only thing anybody really needs is themselves.
Well if marriage was a main condition to be happy, why do so many people want to get a divorce? Actually, women ask for a divorce more often than men.
You’re happy when your needs are fulfilled, and not all women need to live with a man, just like not all men want to live with a woman.
But I guess it’s still kind of unusual and taboo, after centuries of mandatory marriage.
HOORAY!
Love this post. I have had to battle this with my family for ages.
Marriage won’t ever define who I am. I want to be happy single (I’m getting there) as well as partnered up (hasn’t happened for long periods of time).
I’ve seen enough dysfunctionality around me to last for some time. My brother (GOD HELP HIM) if he doesn’t get his act together may go down that same path.
ME? I’ll wait until I’m ready. That’s all there is too it. Life is too short, too wonderful, to be caught up in more pain than needed.
I agree with you – my happiness is totally up to me – regardless of relationship status. Excellent post!
This just seems crazy to even comment on. I hate blanket generalizations. I mean, c’mon!!! Did you ever read that one article from that woman who wrote for, the atlantic? i mean, wow!
I like meganwegan’s writing the best. As I was reading the post, I was saying “but I totally am that woman that is perfectly happy except for having a relationship.” I really want a boyfriend (mostly because that will lead to husband and kids for me). Other than that, I am happy with my life, where it is going, and what I do.
I do exactly what meganwegan does — I get out and do what I like to do. Maybe someday that will lead me to a man (I hope so) — especially one who has similar interests. But if my hobbies don’t produce a husband, at least I had a fun time doing them.
I totally do not sit at home and bemoan my single status (at least, not usually. Actually, I mostly frequently bemoan my single status while housesitting for all my lovely married friends in their lovely married people houses). I learned long ago that sitting by myself and never getting out will always make me unhappy, no matter what the reason I chose to stay home all the time.
Wow!!! AWESOME POST. I can’t believe this
“What’s really going on behind that confident demeanour and fulfilled exterior is crushing loneliness and desperation.”
Whatever. I was crushed with loneliness when I was married. You’re absolutely right – happiness is not determined by your relationship status.
Do me a favor and put a link to this on my blog under the “Your Turn” post.
Although I’m married, I cringe at the idea that “all single women” are kidding themselves when they claim they’re happy. Why do they have to have a man? Is this 1940? Does our identity have to revolve around a MAN?
Believe me, being married isn’t always the #1 reason why I consider myself a “happy” person. It’s on the list, but my life doesn’t depend on it.
i definitely think that people in a happy relationship tend to be happier than that same person would be single. unlike lisa, the number one thing that makes me happy is my partner. not the fact of being married but just him being who he is, being with him, the love we share. all the other things that make me happy pale in comparison to that.
but i also think that people in a bad relationship tend to be less happy than they would be single. and truly happy relationships are pretty rare. i actually think most people in relationships seem pretty miserable.
the moral of the story is, to maximize happiness people should be picky about who they get involved with.
i disagree that our happiness is up to us. it is to a large extent, but things happen in life that are beyond our control — you can say it doesn’t matter what happens, only how we react to it (i used to say this before anything bad ever happened to me in my life) but it’s not easy to control our reaction to these things. it’s human nature to be unhappy when bad things happen. i think it’s unrealistic and unhealthy to fail to acknowledge this – in other words, it’s natural and normal not to be happy all the time.
i’m generally a happy person, the type of person that looks on the positive side, but i’m not as happy as i could be because of my health problems. and part of what makes me unhappy is feeling guilty that i can’t just be some happy person who doesn’t let it get her down. but i know that’s unrealistic. i’m just human and it’s normal to feel the way i do. likewise, if someone is sad because they miss having a loving intimate connection with another person, that’s normal too. it’s not something that needs to be fixed by jumping into any relationship but it’s also not something that someone can necessarily be “fixed” by simply deciding to be happy.
so the real moral of the story is, if people accepted that life isn’t supposed to be all sunshine and roses all the time, they wouldn’t be trying so hard to find happiness in the wrong places.
Marriage is about love, partnership and disciplined sex life; marriage is not about happiness. If you think that a partner that love and satisfy your sexual need can be a plus in helping you to be all you can be and live a life with a purpose – then marriage is a good fit for you. Prior to marry, one need to know the self, who they are, what they want, what the purpose for their life, the goals they want to accomplish and then find a partner who will facilitate the road to that unknown road.
The problem is that many people marry when their boundaries collapse and they fall in love. The closeness and the vulnerability in a relationship expose those people to their true self and when people discover the real self and who their partner are – mostly at that stage the relationship is unsalvageable. When those people divorce, you hear them saying that they are better off single than in relationship instead of taking the responsibility of choosing an incompatible mate and the lack of knowledge about themselves before committing to someone else.
Most young women make a career out of being in love, they are afraid of being alone and don’t spend time with themselves for self discovery, to think about what kind of issues they may have (i.e. poor self esteem), to think about personnel growth, to think about what make them tick, to think about what make them attracted to the kind of men they are attracted to, to think about what kind of life they want to live, why God put them on the earth for and what they want in life. If you ask a group of women what they want in life, most will tell you that they want to be happy but very few will tell you what it will take to make them happy. Married women who are unhappy assume that it is their unfulfilling relationships that make them unhappy; some want their husband to change, some want more attention to their mates and some are astonished to find that they are not attracted to their partners anymore. For the most part, people are unhappy because they are not happy with themselves, they don’t like who they are, they don’t like what they have becomes. They become resentful, unappreciative for the misery in themselves.
Marriage requires us to open our personal boundaries at will for closeness and self exposure, which make everyone in marriage very vulnerable. It is only in such close relationship that one can achieve the highest level of self discovery and the complete knowledge of one’s weaknesses and one’s strengths. If you don’t know yourself you will never know what make you happy – individual who are not in intimate relationships that require them to open up their boundaries and expose their inner self cannot logically reach the level of growth and happiness as those who successfully experience relationships that let them be vulnerable and get in touch with their inner self.
Most women want to live a kind of life that make sense, a life with a purpose; that kind of life is almost impossible if a woman cannot get in touch with her inner self hence it make sense for someone who get it to comprehend when someone says that when you’re a single female – you can’t possibly be happy because single here translate to “not in close intimate relationship” which is the same as not exposed to self.
GREAT post! Thank you. I found you through Ms. Single Mama.
This sums it up for me: “my happiness is up to me, and it isn’t dictated by who is (or isn’t) in my life at any particular time.”
I can say that eight years into single motherhood — on my own, without an ex involved — I’ve really learned how to make myself happy. (Oh, did I say that I have some codependency issues?)
Being single has shown me just how much I love my life the way it is.