(This is cross-posted on BlogHer.)
It’s important to take a look at your life periodically and ask yourself if your current situation is still working. It doesn’t have to be a formal process, and it doesn’t have to take place at a specified time. All you have to do is take a quick, honest look at the main areas of your life and ask yourself if there’s anything you need to change.
Depending on where you are mentally, or your age, or any number of factors, the results will vary wildly. I’ve been doing this internal question-and-answer session for years, and I know it was an important step in making it through my quarterlife crisis. I would ask myself if I was happy with this or that aspect of my life, and when the answer was “no,” I would go about trying to change it. Because I was perpetually discontent, in the space of a few years I studied abroad in the Netherlands for five months, spent a year in California, and finally ended up outside of Washington, DC.
Even though I’m much more content now than I used to be, doing a periodic check-in helps me stay on track — and I like to think it helps me identify small issues before they become big problems. Sometimes I know I’m due for a mental check-in just because it’s a certain time of year and there’s a decision to be made. (Like whether or not to renew an apartment lease. That’s always a big one.) Other times it’s when something unexpected comes up, like being offered a promotion. If you say yes, you’re basically making an informal commitment that you’ll stay with this employer for a certain length of time — when maybe, before the job offer happened, you were thinking of looking elsewhere.
That promotion was an option for me a few months back. I took a weekend to think about it because I needed to make sure it was the right decision. As the people I consulted for their opinions can attest, I didn’t let the fact that I’d be making more money be my sole motivating factor. It’s always been important to me first and foremost that I’m relatively content where I am. I needed to ask myself not only if I was happy with my co-workers and the job I’d be doing, but if I was happy living where I am in general. I could take the promotion and continue working in DC. I could decide to finish out my housing lease and move back to Richmond — a city I lived in for eight years and where most of my immediate family currently resides. Or I could always go to Korea or Russia and teach English (the option is always there, right?).
The fact is, as a single woman I know I have the option of changing my living situation more readily than someone who’s in a relationship. There’s nobody to consult but myself; as long as I take care of my obligations I can pretty much go wherever I want. I’m not saying I’d remain single just because I want to keep that freedom, but it’s definitely one of the perks. (I did do that in the past, though — not knowing where I wanted to live or what I wanted to do was the biggest reason I stayed single in my early-to-mid 20s.)
For this particular job decision, I weighed the pros and cons and decided to take the promotion. It’s the right thing for me for right now.
This is the general checklist I use when it’s time for a mental life evaluation:
My physical location…is it working for me? I like living in Old Town Alexandria. It’s pricey, but as a renter I can afford it. There’s a lot of stuff to do around here, and I rarely have to use my car because of the access to public transportation.
My job…is it where I need to be? I don’t think I’ll work as an Executive Assistant for the rest of my life, but it’s okay for right now. I like knowing that the nonprofit organization I work for is making a difference; I have some really fantastic co-workers; the benefits are great (Free health and dental insurance! Three weeks of paid vacation per year! Whooooo!); I can pay my bills and have money left over.
Am I challenging myself in some way? It’s important for me to try new things, even if I try it and realize I don’t enjoy it (like belly dancing). I’ve been known to take a single class just to see what something is all about. Also, working through my 101 Things list has inspired me to try things I wouldn’t have taken the time to do if I hadn’t written them down.
How are my relationships? I keep in touch with some friends better than others, but usually that has more to do with physical proximity than anything else.
I have other questions I ask myself, but those are the major ones. Everyone’s checklist is going to be different. If I was in a relationship, I’d need to ask myself if there’s anything I should change or do differently. If I had a child, I’d need to look at how I was handling my parenting duties.
What would your mental life-evaluation look like? Is it time for a check-in of your own? What aspect of your life needs changing?
Related Reading:
Semi-Charmed Jen (I recently met her in person) writes a lot about personal empowerment and discovering what it is we want to do with our lives. In this post, Jen talks about the importance of having dreams.
Cynthia is trying to make changes in her life, too. I really admire Cynthia because she’s not making changes to solely benefit herself — she just got accepted to work as a head coach for Girls on the Run, so she’s doing something good for others at the same time.
Becca quit her job in the Los Angeles entertainment industry to work as a CrossFit instructor. I think it’s awesome when people make a job switch because they’re so passionate about what they do.
17 Comments
Remaining single may be the best thing you’ve done for yourself. I got married at 22 after being in my first serious, long-term relationship for 6 months, something I swore I’d never do in my 20s. While I love my husband and I’m happy where I am in life, sometimes I think about what I could’ve done if I had remained single – and all of those things include traveling abroad indefinitely.
Those are great questions–I’ve also been feeling that vague sense of restlessness lately that signifies a need for some introspection and reflection. (And thanks for the shout-out!) I feel like I know the answers but can’t get at them, if that makes any sense. Like when you have a word stuck on the tip of your tongue but can’t remember what it is…
These evaluations are a great idea, but I’m sometimes afraid to evaluate certain aspects of my life because I become comfortable in them, even if they are not the healthiest or best they can be. Hm, I need to think on this.
I like your checklist. Its so important to evaluate where we are and make sure that thats where we want to be and that its all going well!
I went through this check-list a few years ago and made some major (MAJOR) changes. It wasn’t easy, all the changes weren’t happy ones, but it was so worth it. I’m broke, I’m back in school, I don’t talk to certain members of my family, but I am SO HAPPY!
Excellent post. Thank you!
Good stuff! I think it’s really easy to get caught up in the rat race and keep ourselves so busy we can’t sit and evaluate where we’re at, and whether or not we’re actually HAPPY or just so busy we don’t notice we’re unsatisfied.
Great post Zan….but it really struck me in reading this that there are different sorts of self-analysis. And I wonder if this difference reflects a fundamentally opposite outlook on Life (and our journeys through Life), or if it is perhaps a difference mainly in age. Here’s what I mean….I didn’t see any reference in your self-questioning to the far future–when I was in my 30′s, I started to make decisions based on where I wanted to be in my 50′s…or 60′s. So, I worked towards paying my mortgage off, instead of taking that vacation to Ireland (there was/is the hope I still will be able to do that one day). And though I never married, nor had children, I know people in their 30′s who have positioned themselves for the next 20 years of their lives—so, they’ve gotten their own desire for world-travel out of the way, they’ve had a child or two…they’ve found a nice home in a quiet, safe neighborhood…they’ve taken the promotion that might allow their spouse to stay home with the baby, at least until the young one starts kindergarten.
I have always been impressed by your bravery in the choices you make for your Life…I’ve wished, in fact, that at times I was not so practical (next year, as an example I am buying a new furnace, instead of accompanying friends to Europe). I’m not sure what I’m trying to say…I guess it would be the question, do you make long-LONG term goals, or do they not interest, or frighten you (by frighten I mean, does the thought of having a 30 year mortgage, and thus being, seemingly, forced to stay with one job, in one town horrify you?)? I ask these question because I know how brave you are, at self-revelation. Again, great post, Chris R.
I need to do your self evaluation check list. I believe I’m on the verge of something great that will break very soon but my patience is waning!
Thanks for the shout, though! I have to agree with you, Becca is amazing and very brave. :)
something a professor told me while i was at liberty….simple and to the point. “bloom where you are planted”. something i’ve had to fight to do from the beginning. like walking against a hurricane. you may be going in the right direction, but, it can take a lifetime to get there. sometime’s it’s best to just “do what you do”, and let life take it’s course. “life will find a way.”
Taking time out to reflect is one of the mian things I intend to do while I am here in Australia travelling for a few weeks. And withh the long distance that should not be a problem. :-) To be honest I am quite sure what the outcome will be: I am really happy with the state my life is in right now. I love my work and colleagues and : inspiring, fun and challenging. I love the place where I live, the apartment and the town. Friends and family are lovely, not perfect but the best they could possibly be. No love relationship, but I am working on that! ;-)
I don’t plan much ahead though. After having a car accident and a small brain infarct at 18/19 I gave up on that. No use living for the future. I don’t mean that you should not make sure some basic securities are there, just that you shoulc not give up too much today for something that may or may not happen tomorrow. There may not be a tomorrow after all.
In the end of course it is all about priorities: I collect experiences, not stuff. SoSome people decide otherwise and that is perfectly ok as well. Whatever suits you best.
Good post.
It’s important to be on the look-out. I have found for myself, that over-analyzing can be a bad thing too (if it keeps me from taking chances).
I’ve never been in a hurry to follow the imposed checklist either: marriage, house, children, identity crisis, etc…
I think the thing in my life that gives me the most happiness is that I have a career that I enjoy and that also pays well.
I really think if everyone could find what it is they really love, and get paid for doing it – the world would be a much happier place to be.
such a great post.
I often saw in my clients, even after they would ponder this, a clinging to old habits purely out of the PAIN I KNOW BEING BETTER THAN THE PAIN OF THE UNKNOWN.
M.
Very insightful. I too try to evaluate my life on a fairly regular basis to see if anything needs to be changed or “upgraded” if you will. I used to make changes much more often, but have found that I make them less the more I feel I am where I am supposed to be…where I’m happiest.
I think doing this helps keep us from falling into a rut and becoming stagnate.
~K
Your post reminds me of a quote by the author Richard Bach that I have been drafting a blog post on: “The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in awhile,and watch your answers change.”
Sometimes it’s hard to look objectively at one’s life, but it’s necessary. No matter what stage of life you’re in, you have to do it to make sure you’re in a healthy place.
Recently, I evaluated relationships and decided to eliminate a toxic relationship even though it was stressful and hurtful to the other person. For me, it was better to make the break than to continue with this poison in my life.
“Toxic” and “Poison” I know very strong words in describing someone I’d once considered a friend, but upon realizing this is what she was in my life, it was a no-brainer to take my friendship elsewhere.
I think it is always important to re-evaluate your life every few years. I think I read somewhere you should definitely re-evaluate your job after five years. Anyway, you have a good check list. I think I’ve been in the quarterlife crisis mode for what seems like an eternity. It’s a hard thing to get through, but it looks like you’re well on your way. You’ve done a lot of interesting things which I’m sure helps you in the long run to determine what you like/don’t like, etc.