(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
It’s only been in the past year or so that I started thinking of myself as an adult. Until I reached my late 20s, even though I’d been making big, life-altering decisions on my own for years, I never felt like I was completely in the mindset of being a grownup. All the things I’d done up to that point, although they shaped me into who I am, weren’t quite enough.
The reason I didn’t feel like a grown-up didn’t have anything to do with feeling — or acting — irresponsible. I’ve been taking care of myself ever since I graduated from a rural Virginia high school a few days after I turned 17, and the following month I moved 60 miles away from my family, to Richmond, with a friend. I went to college for a year, then I took a break from school for a few years while I worked. I stayed at the same company for seven years, between the ages of 18-25. During that time I made the decision to go back to school, and while I was there I studied abroad in Amsterdam for a semester. I bought a brand new Civic when I was 19 years old, and I used it to take several cross-country trips across the U.S. by myself.
But while those things were happening, there were other factors holding me back from feeling like an adult. I always lived with other people, for instance, so I never felt like I was handling things completely on my own. I lived with my older sister for a number of years, and then my younger sister was my roommate for a while. When I moved to California for a year after graduating from college, I lived with my aunt and uncle. There was always someone to fall back on if I needed it.
I was also struggling with my raging quarterlife crisis — I always thought I should be doing something different from whatever I happened to be doing at the time. I didn’t date anyone at all for a number of years, and even though that was my choice, I felt separate from other people my age who had boyfriends, and that whole “I’m sharing my life with someone else” experience.
In addition to all that, I had an eating disorder. I’ve heard this theory that says one of the reasons certain females develop eating disorders is because they’re scared of growing up. If you weigh less, you don’t have womanly curves. Your breasts shrink; your body is more childlike because you’re straight up-and-down and not filled out in all the places where women tend to be filled out. If you lose enough weight, you’re likely to stop menstruating (over the course of a few years when I was underweight, I had my period about three times). While I wasn’t scared of growing up (it was more a feeling of powerlessness about my future), I can see how not feeling like an adult could have played a role in my body issues.
Being an adult, or feeling like one, doesn’t lend itself to neat age categories. You can’t hit 21, or 25, or 30, and automatically put a checkmark in the “adult” box. It’s based on your life experiences; your mindset; all kinds of factors. If someone gets married at age 22 and has children while they’re young, they might feel more adult than someone ten years their senior who made different choices in life.
I started thinking about all this when I read a post on BlogHer not long ago. It was written by myrnatheminx, a single woman who is almost 40, called BlogHers of A Certain Age Who Aren’t “Mommies”. But what stood out to me was a comment that QuirkyEconomist left on that post. She’s a 30-something single woman who said she often finds it hard to relate to fellow single ladies who are still in their 20s.
I think many of the blogs that talk about being happily single are written by 20-somethings, so while I often find individual posts I love, there are many that reflect that younger stage of life and are less relevant to me now. Maybe all the single not-quite-middle-aged women bloggers are writing about things like politics or social activism, rather than life as a single, not-quite-middle-aged woman?
I started thinking about all this — feeling like an adult versus not feeling that way — after I read that comment. I’m not saying that older women see all females in their 20s as non-adults, but I do think it’s harder for them to relate. And that makes sense. Women in their 20s tend to struggle more with questions about their life and where they’re going than women who are in their 30s and above. Age differences will always be a factor, even if you have other interests in common. I can already see examples of this myself at age 28. Even though it doesn’t mean I don’t understand them and what they’re going through, it’s easier for me to relate to bloggers who are closer to my age than those just recently out of high school.
But the nice thing is, regardless of age, we’re always going to be able to relate to people who have similar interests. For instance, my blogroll expanded once I became interested in reading fitness-related blogs last year — I add new ones all the time simply because we share an interest in that topic and I like reading what these people have to say.
I’ll be at the BlogHer conference next week. I’m looking forward to seeing people whose ages span a wide range — there’s 19-year-old Sagan and 56-year-old Deb, and I feel a commonality with both of them because of our interest in health and fitness. Next week it won’t matter whether Sagan considers herself to be an adult, and it won’t matter that Deb is a few years older than my mother.
When did you start feeling like an adult? And if you still don’t, what do you think has to happen in your life first before you do?
Related Reading:
Christine Hassler at the Huffington Post describes the term Adultolescence, and how it relates to women just as much as men.
20-year-old Dar looks at her mother, who got married at age 21, and realizes how young that really is. She asks, “I wonder if as you get older the ‘kid’ feeling goes away and you feel like an adult?”
Even as a mom with two kids, mamastoff sometimes feels like she’s not quite an adult. She says, “When I was younger I always thought there would be some magical age that I would begin to feel like an adult. I’m beginning to think that age doesn’t exist!”
20 Comments
I’m in my late 30′s. I didn’t start feeling like an adult until nearly four years ago when I finally took responsibility for my own life and my own choices. I had to step out and make my own choices and take responsibility for the repercussions. It was hard but I’ve never been happier.
I didn’t feel truly adult until I bought my condo last year. I was two months away from turning 24. Some days, I wish I haven’t but it made sense for me to do it. Better when it comes to finances…even though I have this crazy bank loan to tackle now. I’ll be stronger in the long run and it’s definitely nice to know something is mine.
Eerie… I also graduated from a rural Virginia high school a few days after I turned 17 (birthday was May 28, graduated the next weekend).
I definitely don’t feel like a “real” adult, even though I’m 30, gainfully employed, and happily married. Maybe it will come with kids?
I’m in this weird limbo stage where I don’t really think of myself as an adult, even though I act as an adult. Does that make sense?
I’ve been responsible for myself for years now. I’m married, I own a house and a car, I’m in my later 20s… by all accounts, I should FEEL like an adult, but I don’t. Maybe I never will :)
Hi. I found your blog through Kelly from Every Gym’s Nightmare. Your back looks like mine. I too, had fusion surgery/posted x-ray pic of my back out there for the give-away. Small world. I hope you’re feeling great! It looks like you were fused higher up. I have 3 scars, the “big one” that is in the center, I was fused lower on the back with corresponding bone graft from both the hips. Do you have any limitations exercise wise. Congrats on the bravery to post a back picture like that. Take good care.
I want to feel like a kid again….I have been an adult since I was a teenager. :(
Nice post!
I’m in a similar state to geeky. I’m still waiting for my certificate of adulthood.
I really like the term adultolescence and fear that, in a way, Im there.
not at all in the ‘good times’ sense (at all types she of the in-bed-at-9p) but in the trend watching and following.
my hubby is duly instructed to tell me when Ive donned a trend Im WAY too frickin old for—–and I actually think he really will.
if not you may have to take the reigns ;)
Thanks for the post and I am excited to have found your blog. I always find it interesting to see other people that live right around here and just see the differences in their experiences in ‘NOVA’.
I also really enjoy your writing style. It flows so well while being very honest. When I start getting honest, I seem to also get convoluted. Anyway, I am excited to read back through some of your vast blogging history!!
Interesting post. Makes me wonder how long it will take me to feel like an adult:)
I think I started to feel like an adult when I moved away from my parents and started living on my own. You always give me great stuff to think about. thank you!
I started feeling like an adult pretty recently, at 28, when I began taking responsibility and action in my life. As a kid, I waited for things to happen. Just out of college, I felt like i was reacting to the life that was happening TO me! Now I feel like I’m creating my own destiny. I’ve always been independent but it’s a mindset that suddenly feels ‘adult.’
I’ve been taking care of myself since before I graduated high school, I’ve been married and divorced and remarried, I’ve been a mom for 6 years (some as a single mom) and I’ve held a steady job throughout all of this. There are definitely days when I feel like an ‘adult’ – like I’m grown up and the weight of the world rests on my shoulders, but there are also days I feel like such a kid. I’m not that old (28) and by all accounts I wouldn’t classify myself as an adult, but I look around sometimes and think what life would be like if I were still a kid and didn’t have responsibilities. Then again, I’ve always related better to ‘being older’ and couldn’t wait to get to the ‘grown up’ age so who knows…I think it’s all a mindset.
~K
I am not sure I am there yet actually. I think I am working towards it – trying to take responsibility for myself and my choices rather than blaming others. It’s a process I guess. I did think that I would feel grown up by now!
Great Question Zandria
I find it funny that people tend to use the procurement of inanimate objects to define adulthood; If I were forced to define that *moment* a person realizes they’re an adult, I’d say it occurs when a person can fuse the boundless curiosity, hope, and optimism of youth with the pessimism, hurt, and bleakness of experience. Life isn’t static. Neither is our perspective. So it makes sense that some of us are in and out of “adulthoodâ€. Some of us, however, just stay in the “adult†or “youthful†state of mind longer than othersïŠ
Great post! I’ve always enjoyed reading your entries. And this one I can definitely relate to. I once described it to a friend of mine as saying that my life was on pause. I grew up in Texas but went to school on one side of the country (and now in DC live on the other side), so I’ve been on my own for awhile now. But I felt like I should be moving towards something, not sure what though. Maybe adulthood? I think that’s changing, but it was an odd feeling.
I’m in my mid-20s. I started feeling like an adult when I moved thousands of miles away from my family last fall. It’s the fact that I have no one close nearby, set my own schedules, and have financial obligations.
However, I’ve felt more like an adult since I was young. I have loosened up considerably since then and tend to exhibit a goofy personality. This might not be so good sometimes in my position at work but meh. You’re only twenty something once.
Sometimes I’m an adult and sometimes I’m not. ;) It might come with age, marriage, and kids. I don’t know. Kids might do it.
just the other day my friend was saying that it was weird that there were going to be so many “grownups” at her party — meaning her parents and other guests their age. those of us in our 30s didn’t count as “grownups”!
at 37, i still don’t feel like a grownup, but it’s not because i haven’t reached a certain milestone yet or anything like that. i think it’s just because on a superficial level i don’t look or act like a grownup. i don’t like talking about the things grownups talk about – real estate, jobs, kids, grandkids. my tastes in music and movies are not very grown up. actually, i associate being grownup with being boring. i don’t think i’ll ever feel grown up.
i tend to get along well with folks who are younger than me because we tend to have interests in common. emotionally, i can relate to their “issues” because i’ve been there, done that, so i tend to try to give them “the answers” — and we all know how well that is usually received! and as much as i try to be sympathetic, y’alls angst tires me out sometimes.
really, the people i relate to best are other old non-grown ups like myself – folks with grownup lives, grownup perspective, but immature interests.
Great topic, Zandria! I started feeling like an adult at 22 when I got my first real job and people really depended on me to get things done. Sometimes I still feel like a non-adult when I’m around my family – my sisters are both married with child or pregnant – but I’m totally OK with this. :)
I married when I was 20, had my first child at 20, my second at 24…have just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary…I will be 30 in May. I still don’t feel like an adult despite owning a house, having 2 kids…I can only hope that it comes once I finish my degree and get a job. It’s really been bothering me lately. :/