(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
If you’re curious about online dating, the easiest way to ease yourself into such a situation is to ask people who have already tried it for themselves. What did they think? Did it work for them? Would they recommend it? At the age of 28, I’ve never participated in what I would consider to be full-fledged online dating — that is, I’ve never been a member of a site that I had to pay for.
As a social media user, I did sign up with MySpace a number of years ago. I’ve met and talked to a number of men through that site, but it doesn’t have the best reputation for being a go-to site for dating. (I’m sure there are plenty of quality men who use MySpace. It’s just more difficult to pick through their profiles since they aren’t typically set up very well with “let me describe myself”-type information.)
I recently got it in my head that I’m ready to try something new, so I started asking questions. I let it slip to several people that I’ve been thinking about venturing into the online dating world, and the responses have been largely encouraging.
The general consensus? As long as I choose the right photos, there’s a good chance I’ll get a fair number of responses. People have said it will likely be a good ego boost. (Interestingly enough, I just realized that nobody said anything about choosing the right words to describe myself. Maybe because the text itself isn’t the most important factor in an online profile?)
Like pretty much every big decision I make, I realize I’ve been putting a lot of advance thought into this whole thing — as opposed to just jumping in, creating a profile, paying a fee, and seeing what happens. It’s funny. I’ve been encouraging to other people who wanted to try online dating, and I don’t have anything against it personally, but I’ve never been wild about using this particular method to meet someone.
It’s hard to explain why that’s the case, mainly because I don’t have one, good, concrete reason why I’ve been putting this off. It’s not like I think online daters are weirdos, and I’m not worried about being stalked. (I do know that people tend to misrepresent themselves, though, and attempting to weed through that nonsense won’t always be fun.)
Some of my reticence is simply due to the time factor. I have to be willing to devote the time needed to look at profiles, read and respond to emails, coordinate dates and — at some point — meet these people in person. I also realize that doing this could change my life, and that’s one of the reasons I’ve waited so long to try it. (I don’t mean “change my life” in terms of “I’m going to meet my soul mate tomorrow!” It has more to do with voluntarily introducing emotions back into my life that I haven’t had to deal with in a while. Happiness, sadness, excitement, nervous stomach fluttering — and those inevitable dashes of insecurity.)
Despite all that, I’ve decided that I’m ready. Now the decision turns to which dating service I should use. I’ve heard good things on separate occasions about Match, Yahoo Personals, eHarmony — even Craigslist. I’ve also heard the advice about signing up for all of these services if you really want to be successful, but…baby steps, people. I think I’ll start with one and see what happens.
Any recommendations?
Related Reading:
Julie isn’t having a lot of luck with online dating so far.
Michelle says that online dating is old hat. The new way to find true love is through a DNA test.
Velvet in Dupont did a lot of dating before falling in love with a friend.
Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing at the Huffington Post: 10 Dos And Don’ts Of Online Dating
Judy McGuire at TheFrisky.com: Dating Don’ts: How Not To Get A Second Date
44 Comments
Mmh, well, yes: don’t wait too long before you meet the person IRL. The longest you wait, the more you’ll make up a wrong image of each other and will risk being disappointed when you meet.
Of course (but you already thought of that I am sure), meet in public places the first times, tell a friend where you are, and for the first meting, agree on something short (like coffee) so that you’re not stuck too long if you discover you want to run away.
There’s a great Online Dating board on iVillage where I got great advice back at the time I was using an online dating service.
For me it just did not work. I found it exhausting to keep in touch with so much guys a the same time and to decide which one I liked best, if any. And then I didn’t like that it was killing the spontaneity of the first moments, the butterflies in the stomach. I don’t know if that makes sense, but when you meet you’re both on “search mode” so much, and that makes the dates feel like jobs interviews and, I don’t know, I just didn’t like that, so I gave up and I am not going back.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you, though!
Girl, I’m with you. I’m trying something new and signed up for EHarmony. Not exactly sure what will come with it but they had a special rate for 3 months and they kept running it so I said…sure, why not?!
Pictures are a must…and make sure you see theirs too.
Good Luck, if anything you might meet some good friends. :)
Oh – I am with everyone else on the good blog material, but purely for entertainment value! :) Seriously though, I online dated for a short while a very long time ago, however 3 years ago I started reading a blog about online dating that was a real riot – she found someone online that she’s been dating now for 2 years so it does work.
Good luck, I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for!
~K
~K
Good luck! Can’t wait to hear what adventures await you…
I’m wondering if Facebook would offer a better alternative to MySpace as far as meeting new people goes. But you can’t really see much about friends of friends, can you? Nevermind.
Ooooo – this is exciting!! I look forward to reading stories about your dating ‘adventures’. Most of my friends that have been ‘successful’ at online dating have used match.com, but I don’t have firsthand experience with it. Good luck!
i’ve used match.com in the past & met some really great guys, some that i dated for awhile and some that just became friends (and that i’ve stayed friends with). and of course there have been a couple of duds! but overall, i think it’s a really good site for a “beginner” in the online dating world. you’ll learn pretty quickly what kinds of things you will always look for in someone’s profile and what the red flags are. my advice would be to treat it like what it is: dating. don’t anticipate that every “match” is going to be The One and you’ll probably be just fine. good luck & have fun!!
I have tried them all, match, perfectmatch, eharmony. The one I like the best is plentyoffish.com It’s 100% free, and while it doesn’t have guided communication like the others, it does give you a chance to get your feet wet without spending a bunch of cash. One feature I like is you can block people, so if someone creeps you out, simply hit the button and you won’t have to worry about it! I’ve had good and bad experiecnes, met some great friends, and recently met the man I am seriously dating. I think you will have great success with it!
Good for you! One of my friends met her husband through eHarmony. And I have another friend that met her husband on the internet – although it wasn’t through a dating service, but through a website of a fitness hobby they shared.
Best of luck!
ah! good luck zan.. even if you don’t “find your soulmate tomorrow” … i’m sure it’ll be a fun experience.
i’ve heard good things about eharmony and match.com. also, check out your local alternative paper or something of the sort, sometimes they have “matchmaking” stuff at the back.
please do blog your heart out about this adventure!!
This is going to be VERY interesting.
A couple of years ago I did one of them – for the free month. Mostly I was just curious. Obviously you could meet someone there, just like you could meet someone at the gym or anywhere else. I went on a couple of dates, but nothing was very chemisatic for me. It was a little strange because I ruled out alot of guys just based on their height, which made me feel bad but I guess we do the same thing subconsciously in day-to-day life.
You know I’ve given my nod to eHarmony. So far, so good this time around for me. However I will admit that it wasn’t until my membership with them was almost up that things started to happen, and I ended up with dates with two different guys.
I think I’ve told you I’m not a fan of Match or OkCupid. The quality of guys? Totally different. Definitely worth perusing the options online though! A whole new world.
I tried once when I was younger; I met one guy in person but that didn’t work out however my brother did meet his fiance on eharmony…I wish you the best of luck Zan:)
I know four couples in my inner circle of friends(including my sweetheart and I) that met using nerve.com — so if the other sites aren’t your thing, you have another option…
I’m all for this, and I think you’re going to have so much fun with it. My husband and I met on Yahoo Personals. I also tried match.com and liked it too. The one I don’t get is eHarmony–I had ZERO luck with that one!
I had a great experience with online dating. You meet people that you otherwise would never meet. You’re right–you do have to be careful about lies and misrepresentations, but it’s just as easy for a guy to lie about being married in a bar as it is online. (Harder to lie about being 5’3 vs. 6’0, though!)
I say go for it and enjoy!
I say think big… start your own online dating site :) Think about it – It would be like gambling in a casino in Las Vegas versus owning the casino in Las Vegas.
I’m so intriqued. Seeing I am married, I am hoping that you will blog about your experiences. This whole on line dating thing is just so foreign to me. I met my husband in the boring ole fashion that we were friends before we ever dated. There was no awkward meeting or introductions to the friends and parents. Hopefully you will blog so I can live vicariously through all the good, the bad (and hopefully not) the ugly.
sweetsandsweats.wordpress.com
After I arrive on the East Coast, I would love to do a photo shoot for you. On eHarmony, the most important thing is the text you write. However, good photos never hurt. I have this pet peeve about women who post photos of themselves they took in the bathroom mirror while holding the camera. I figure, “If she’s not smart enough to work the self-timer, then she’s not smart enough for me.”
Sorry, can’t help you at all with the online dating thing (but it looks like everyone else has loads of great advice!). The only people I know who have done “online” dating have been through things like MySpace or Facebook, which I don’t really trust, but I’ve heard really good things about the real online dating services like the ones you’re thinking about trying. Can’t wait to hear how it all goes, and good luck!
I didn’t have any luck on Yahoo Personals. Most of the guys I met through Yahoo were sleazy or lied on their profile.
I do think it’d be better to join a site you have to pay for, has that’s more of a commitment then just some horny, bored guy posting a profile on Yahoo or MySpace (oh wait, I met my husband on MySpace…).
Definitely agree with Lullaby that you should meet fairly quickly, no use investing a lot of time in e-mails and phone calls if there’s no chemistry.
Best of luck!
Katy
I personally know two successful Match.com married couples.
My mom did JDate (Jewish dating site) for three months. She went on a few dates, no sparks. She might do it again, but with a better technique this time. It’s really important to not fall into the typical gender role and wait for the man to make the first move. If you see a cute guy, go ahead and send him a message.
I’ve done online dating through both Craigslist and OkCupid (bonus: both are free!). I found people to date through both sites, but I did also have to do a lot of first dates that didn’t go so well. I think writing a good profile is also important. If you sign up for a site, take some time to look around and see what others have written so that you have an idea of what information people generally include.
One blogger I used to read once said that people go about online personals all wrong. Women write about their career and life while men want to know physical details, and men give physical details while we’d rather know if they make decent money and would be a good provider. This observation seems somewhat backwards, but I’ve seen it born out time and time again.
For now, I’m staying away from online dating because I really dislike having to deliberate over rejecting guys. I’m going to try the in-person thing for awhile. But I definitely think dating sites have a worthwhile experience to offer, and you should just go with the site that seems most interesting to you and has the most members in your range. CL and OkCupid worked well for me because grad students and whatnot seem more willing to go for free sites than pay ones. For you, if you’re looking for more of a career guy, something like match.com might be a better option.
*grabs her walker and struggles out of desk chair & hobbles out of room*
nothing to add here :)
obviously i am a fan of online dating because that’s how i met travis, but you will have to get used to that world — it’s not like the “real world”!
some tips:
- don’t feel bad about just not responding at all to guys you aren’t interested in. don’t even bother reading their whole profile or their whole message to you if you aren’t interested. it’s not rude of you, and if you don’t take measures like this, you WILL get sick of spending so much time sifting through the rejects. assume that 95% of the guys who contact you, you will have absolutely no interest in. even if you send them a one line message saying “thanks for writing but no thanks” it will add up to A LOT of your time – don’t bother. on the flip side, don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t respond to you or intially responds but then stops communicating. just write that one off and move on to the next one.
- don’t agonize over your profile or your communications with guys. just be yourself. partially because of the time commitment thing but also because being yourself is the fastest way to decide if there’s any potential with a guy. a guy that’s worth dating will like whatever you write. this is just like real life, but i think there’s a temptation to put on more of a “show” on the internet.
- speak on the phone before you meet and meet in person ASAP. don’t communicate by email except to set up the date. it’s a waste of time, you won’t know if there’s potential until you meet in person. you know this from blogging — you can love someone’s blogging and then not really get along with the person at all when you meet in person. speaking on the phone before you meet is important because you will be able to eliminate some potential dates that seem good on email without having to go through the trouble of meeting.
- don’t get sucked into thinking a person is your soulmate right away. online dating fosters some weird kind of insta-intimacy. i actually don’t think this will be a problem for you, but i just wanted to highlight that it’s an issue.
other than the insta-intimacy issue, the only real difference between online dating and real-life dating is you have to think of online dating like shopping online vs. going to the store. it’s SO much easier to find what you want on the web, you don’t have to run around to a million stores to find just the right purse, for instance. BUT with so much out there on the web, you have to be good with your google searches so you hone in on only the purses that have a lot of potential. you don’t want to be wasting a lot of time scrolling through pages of patchwork purses if you know you will only be happy with a pleather purse. same thing with online dating: be picky, only spend time on guys with a ton of potential, don’t get sucked into spending a lot of time on guys who don’t.
So great to meet you + get to hang out some on Friday night. Your sesh on being a 20something blogher was one of my favorites. I look forward to next year (or sooner) to get together again!
I definitely hear you when you say you are not sure you are ready to feel those “feelings”. I am at the same point. I really havent been able to put the way I felt until I read your post and said le sigh.. She gets it!
Good luck and I look forward to any updates.
The only thing I can say here is to try to let it expand your horizons. Don’t rule people out right away on a “factor.” I often look back at the greatest men in my life, present and past, and I realize they all had a major turn-off for me that I got over. Ideally I would want a non-smoker and a guy with no kids. My first love was a smoker and we made it work and we lived together and my current beau has kids from a previous marriage.
I wouldn’t trade these two guys for the world, and if I had filled out a profile prior to dating them, we might have never met. Push yourself outside your boundaries just a bit and take a chance! It’s fun!
Being a 7+ (on & off) veteran of online dating, I highly recommend it. After all, it is how I met my last 4 boyfriends. (pay no attention to the fact that each one didn’t work out in the long run) I would say to go with Match.com first, its middle of the road as far as pricing goes and gives a HUGE database of people to choose from. Let me know if you have any questions or want any tips. :)
J and I met over 7 years ago from a chance online meeting, so I am all for it. IF it weren’t for that means, I would never have met him at all – so as long as you’re sensible about it, it can bring you great joy!
I recently took the plunge myself in this respect. I used eHarmony and Plenty of Fish. Check out what I think about it:
http://summerdemilo.blogspot.com/2008/07/love-connection.html
Good luck! I say go for it. Read a book called “Marriable” if you need a bit of advice… has some really practical hints about online dating.
I didn’t really do it here as I think my country is too small and I’d be scared to run into people all the time…
“If you’re curious about online dating, the easiest way to ease yourself into such a situation is to ask people who have already tried it for themselves. What did they think? Did it work for them?”
I met my wife on ChristianSingles.com. I ended up liking her so much I drove 800 miles round trip each weekend while I was in my final year of law school to see her. We have now been married for over 4 years, our daughter is 3 years old (and wonderful), and we are about to adopt a child from our local foster care system.
I highly recommend online dating. Just use some common sense and give dorky guys like me a chance. ;-) My wife is glad she did.
I am on eharmony and match — both have their bad and good – I just went on the worst date ever over the past weekend……..have a look when you get some free time. Good luck – I am with ya on the dating hunt -
I do think it will be an ego boost. You’ll get lots of attention. Photos matter a lot, but words do, too. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, and I would say my biggest piece of advice would be to pace yourself. It’s easy to get all caught up and overly busy and exhausted. But it can be fun! And I have Match to thank for my upcoming marriage!
I’m actually kind of a fan of online dating. (you can tell I don’t get out much ;-) In the past, I’ve used match.com, yahoo personals, and eharmony. Each of these, I did get some responses, but eharmony, I kept getting stuck with IT guys. Nothing wrong with that, I just didn’t feel we had a lot in common. Plus, I got tired of answering their questions versus just a straight shoot e-mail.
The latest service I’ve used is fitness-singles.com You may like it since it is geared towards fitness oriented people. Actually, I’ve been e-mailing and talking to a guy for several months, and he is coming to visit me in a few weeks.
Good luck with whatever you choose. Honesty is the best policy in these situations. But remember, an e-mail fro ma person can be totally different from actually meeting them in person. That happened to me with the yahoo personals guy I met.
Now that I have met you in person, zOMG you are so gorgeous and delightful. You’ll have to swat the droves of men away with a baseball bat. Like I said to you in SF, have fun, and if you don’t any Mr. Rights, you just may make some new guy friends. I did on Match.com.
I tried the online dating thing in a big way for a couple of months. It was great fun – most of the guys I met weren’t really suitable but as a social exercise and a confidence boost it was fantastic. I wouldn’t pin any hopes of finding true love on it, but it’s a really good way to meet people. Word of advice though – BE PICKY!
TA x
Online dating. Seen it end up in marriage with 2 kids, seen it end up in nothing half way through the first date. I think it could potentially be the way to Mister Right for you ;) Have fun & good luck! And keep us posted ;)
I always met my dates at the park with my dogs. :) See what they’re about, you know?
Eharmoney is bad, use Fitness-Singles or Match.com.
My cousin met his girlfriend through match.com; both had really great experiences with the site. They’re both reasonably sane, smart, employed, fun, self-sufficient, etc. people ;)
Yeah, online dating can be good if you don’t get too invested in finding a soulmate — I’d suggest signing up for two services, one free and the other paid, because it will probably be two different pools of people, not as much overlap. I’ve heard that a lot of the same people sign up for match and eharmony, so what’s the point in paying for both? I tried match, met some nice and not-so-nice guys (beware forced intimacy!), then did OKcupid, which is free, and met the guy I’m with now. The thing was, we took it slooow. Be ready to apply brakes, chica!
I found 2 girlfriends (now X) and 3 lovers on Craigslist- I’ve tried eharmony and match.com. but didn’t meet a single person So to date. Craigslist has worked the best for me…
My best friend lives in Las Vegas and had luck with a local on-line dating site call A Great Date.net. She tried this site and feels that she had success because there weren’t a zillion members to sift through, but good search criteria, and she was actually able to find a great guy. She said that the smaller population can actually increase the odds of finding a match for some because your are not overwhelmed with profiles. I am now single, and she is nudging me to try the site because I work a lot and am not into the singles scene. I will probably try it and re-post the outcome.