(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
If you decide to engage in online dating, you have to get used to being rejected. There’s no way around it. As a single woman who publicly proclaims that she’s “looking,” you’re no longer dealing with rejection on an occasional basis — it’s not like meeting random people at a bar, or attempting to chat up a hottie on the Metro, or giving a sly smile to the person behind you while waiting for your lunch.
When you post a photo and description online for anyone to see — when you accept the fact that you’ll be going on multiple dates if you’re going to find the right person — you either have a pretty good idea already that you’ll be dealing with rejection or you come to terms with it very quickly. Nobody is immune to it, no matter how beautiful or wonderful we (or other people) think we are.
Rejection can arrive in many forms. Maybe you’ll send emails and virtual “winks” to people you’re interested in that are never returned. (Check.) Maybe your in-person date goes well but you never hear from that person again. (Check.) Maybe someone will pursue you via email for a few weeks while they’re out of town on vacation, and you finally invite him to meet up with you and your friends at the place you’re planning to be on a Saturday night. And then he doesn’t show up. And he doesn’t respond to your text message, the one that says, “We’re here. Where are you?” And then you get an email from him a week later that says, “Why haven’t I heard from you? I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.” (Uh…check.)
You have to have a certain amount of confidence. You have to realize that when rejection comes at such an early stage, it has a high likelihood of not being personal. They’ve simply looked at you, or talked to you for a while, and decided you’re not the person for them. Maybe, in that person’s opinion, I’m too tall. Maybe they don’t like how I described myself in my profile. Maybe they don’t like my body type. Maybe my hair is too blond, or not blond enough.
This happens all the time, and it’s okay. In fact, it’s the way it should be. I’d rather know the truth about how someone feels sooner rather than later — so, in actuality, these people are doing me a favor. There’s a much smaller possibility that feelings will be hurt when the rejection comes in the beginning instead of after you’ve developed genuine feelings for someone.
Here’s something else I have to keep in mind: I reject people, too. I do it ALL THE TIME. And if it’s okay for me to do the rejecting? I have to accept that it’s okay for other people to do it. (I even have a special label in my Gmail account that I use for people whose emails and “winks” I decide not to respond to. Appropriately, the label is called “Rejected.”)
I’ve met some people in person, and then, after the first date, or after several dates, I decide I don’t want to see them again. It hasn’t been due to anything being glaringly wrong (at least so far). They’re decent-looking, and all of them have been nice. (Yes, I’ve been pretty lucky. I haven’t met anyone in person who was weird, or rude, or looked substantially different from their online photos — well, not too much, at least. One person did toe the line a bit.)
I rejected them because I didn’t feel a spark. There wasn’t anything about them that gave me a distinct feeling I wanted to see them again. Sometimes this is apparent right away, but sometimes it takes a little longer before you arrive at this realization.
When I know it’s right, it’ll be right.
Related Reading:
After Shannon went on a date, the guy sent her “what amounts to a rejection form letter.”
Amelia is adamant that she wants a man who is taller than she is, but her dating site keeps sending her men who are too short.
Parakeet asks if you’d reject dating a friend of an ex, even if you and your ex-boyfriend have been broken up for a long period of time. (Unsurprisingly, a majority of the responders said they wouldn’t reject the ex’s friend.)
Evelyn Lim: 7 Tips On How to Handle Rejection In Life
14 Comments
Good post – Rejection sucks though and sometimes ya gotta take a break from online dating. I had to, it was getting old, I felt like every guy I talked to wanted a Size 2 Barbie doll.
So that brings up a good question… when is it appropriate to virtual wink, and is there some sort of E-protocol for winking? Like, if you had a great online chat, should you wait 2-3 days before sending a virtual wink? Should you ever wink on the first chat? :)
[F]oxymoron: The wink is the precursor to anything else — basically you’re saying, “Hi, there! I think you’re cute.” So the chatting/emailing would come after that.
I just love that you want to keep it totally real – you are OK if they think you aren’t their type and vice versa. So many people keep going because they think the spark will come or they fake who they are in order to make the other person think they are a good match. Go Zandria!
Ya know, I agree with Nicole – keep it real because you will have your fair share of rejecting to do and it isn’t always personal. Sometimes the spark just isn’t there so we move on.
Excellent post. I totally agree with the “it’s not so personal” aspect. Very true.
One of the occasional benefits of being rejected is getting a good friend. One of my closest friends in Ann Arbor started out as an online dating experience. We went on a few dates and decided we weren’t quite right for each other but still really enjoyed hanging out.
I really like this. Its true that without a spark, there’s nothing to really pursue in terms of romance. Doesn’t make rejection any easier, of course!
Great post! I can totally relate. Rejection sucks. I remember thinking how much I hated it when guys wouldn’t respond. And yet I did the SAME thing – a lot! It’s such a strange game.
By the way, I blogged about this today and linked to your post! Thought it was too good to not pass on :)
Look at it from the man’s point of view. With online dating, I have spent more money on first dates that went nowhere than I care to remember (we’re talking about multiple of thousands in the long run).
Great post. I definitely like how you remind people that we do the rejecting too. Yeah, rejection’s no fun, but there have been times when I’ve done the rejecting.
Yeah. You really have to learn how to deal with that rejection cuz you’re doing the same thing. It took me awhile to deal with that… like what the heck? Why aren’t you responding?!
Absolutely, could not agree more. Love your style too. The toughness of online dating has actually helped me in so many ways. One thing in my opinion that I would like to add, is that people could still be “polite” about the rejection. The same holds true in my mind about not getting a job offer. A simple, “thanks but no thanks” is always nice. After what I think is a great first date, and continued emails, for the person to simply cease to communicate is so unnecessarily rude. They could simply grow a pair and say “Thanks but I’m done.” I call that treating others as you’d like to be treated, something we as a society have forgotten how to do for the most part because we no longer expect others to treat us well therefore why should we treat anyone else well. And it all begins with treating ourselves well…love ourselves first! Cheers!
Sooooo been there Z. Hope you are still having fun with it.