(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
Yesterday was the last day of National Singles Week (Sept 21st-27th), described as a time to celebrate “the lives and contributions of unmarried and single Americans.” While I like the idea of calling attention to the advantages of being single, the past few days I’ve been thinking about the other side.
A married friend told me a few months ago that sometimes I make being single sound like the best thing in the world — like I was coming across as a single gal cheerleader (“Rah, rah! Being single is rad!”) as I talked about all the great things I could accomplish in life because I didn’t have anyone holding me back.
While I don’t mind coming across as a proponent of the single life, I don’t think being single is necessarily the best choice for everyone. It’s true that it’s more acceptable to be single today, and more people are staying single longer than ever before simply because they want to. But when I talk about the advantages of being single, what I’m really trying to say is that a woman should be strong enough to know she’ll be okay no matter what her relationship status.
There are many, many reasons I could give for why I like being single, and why I’d much rather be single than unhappily coupled. (The biggest advantage I can think of is something I’ve written about many times: freedom. If I wanted to start a new life somewhere else, I could wrap things up here pretty quickly and be on my way. I’d be the sole person making that decision.) But I do think it’s important to show both sides.
On the flip side, one of the negatives of being single and able to “do anything you want?” Sometimes it’s just not as much fun to do things by yourself. Yesterday I was all set to go the National Book Festival in DC — I announced my intention the day before, I went to the gym that morning, cleaned my apartment, took a shower — all with the intention of going to the festival by mid-afternoon.
So I got dressed, packed a bag, started walking down the sidewalk outside my place — and then I turned right back around and went inside. I just couldn’t do it. It may seem strange to get completely prepared and then change my mind, but that’s what happened. I didn’t feel like walking to the Metro by myself. I didn’t feel like taking the 20-30 minute train ride into the city by myself. I didn’t feel like walking around by myself. My roommate had been there earlier in the day and she said it was really crowded, and…guess what? I didn’t want to deal with that by myself either.
I’m not trying to make this into a woe-is-me scenario. The truth is, I do things by myself all the time without a problem. I’m used to it. I travel alone, I exercise alone, I run errands alone. If my car starts making funny noises, I’m the one who has to deal with it. It’s just that…as much as I enjoy my big-picture freedom, sometimes the day-to-day stuff is a different story — and this means sometimes I’d rather stay home if the alternative is going somewhere by myself. (Ahem. When I say I’d “rather stay home,” please note this generally means I’m doing something productive. I’m not sitting around, watching TV, eating junk and feeling sorry for myself.)
The thing is, I realize there are pros and cons to any situation. Someone in a happy, serious relationship could list theirs just as easily as I can list mine. That’s why it seems unproductive to wish yourself into a situation different from where you currently are — if you get to that place, there’s no guarantee you’ll be any happier. The only thing you can do is accept where you are, who you are, and take advantage of opportunities to grow as a person, and hopefully the rest will follow.
Related Reading:
Bella DePaulo: It’s National Singles Week: Here Are 14 Reasons Why We Need It
Lea Lane in My Week to Celebrate Being Single says, “Marrieds who feel sorry for singles who seem lonely should realize that some singles feel sorry for marrieds who seem lonely.”
Spynster57 knew exactly how she was going to celebrate National Singles Week, including the ability to watch “9 innings of Derek Jeter without having to pretend that I’m watching the game or that I’m a Yankee fan.”
Doesn’t Hallmark make cards for even the most obscure holidays? Bourgie went to a store but came out empty-handed.
Noelle Tannenbaum says “…I’m really glad to have this time to myself to realize that getting married is not something that I want to think of as a ‘goal.’”
Seattle Weekly: Judy McGuire understands about the “smug marrieds.”
Simcha at The Frisky: 8 Ways To Celebrate National Singles And Unmarrieds Week
Single Edition: 13 Fun and Frivolous Ways to Celebrate You
Dear Sugar: Five Single Women to Admire
16 Comments
one thing for which I appreciate a relationship is camping. Of course, this only works if I date someone who likes camping. That’s one thing I really can’t do on my own. Really, I like the relationship angle for doing outdoor stuff. Convenient that I’m finally dating a guy who likes going outdoors, as opposed to previous boyfriends.
I didn’t even know there was such a thing! Makes me wonder if there are such things as…
“National Dating Week”
“National We’re Just Hanging Out Week”
“National %^&* Buddies Week”
“National Taking-A-Break Week”
“National Monk/Nun Week”
I’m with Leah, it’s no fun to camp alone. Also, my ex owned all the equipment. And there are times when I would just love someone to give me a backrub or play with my hair. But the other 90% of the time, I’m with you, loving the freedom to come and go as I please.
This is really touching. Totally get this.
It’s different for everyone- and it changes throughout everyone’s lives, too, as to if they’re more in a singles place or a couples place in their life. We need to figure out where we are, and accept it, and have fun with it while we can- because it could change at any moment. Appreciate what we’ve got and all that!
I completely understand what you’re saying in this post and you said it so well. Sometimes, it’s like a breath of fresh air to be single…to do on your own. Other times, it takes all the effort in the world to just leave the house by yourself.
The last line is perfect.
While there are a lot of advantages to being single (like making out with random strangers without feeling like a terrible person), it can totally suck at times. Not having a built-in activity partner is one of those times. Not having somebody tall to help you hang art in your new apartment is another. But then, when I do happen upon people in relationships, I can’t help but feel annoyed by how co-dependent they all seem.
I so agree with you.
There are things that I love about being single, and sometimes there are things I just don’t wanna do alone just because I ma tired of it. Some things feel like a pain sometimes, and not always the most complicated ones.
I’ve been wanting to move out of this area and because hubbys kids are still in high school we can’t. It’s only 2 more years, but still…I feel what you’re saying.
I think the only truth about being single v. being coupled is that it is better to be unhappily single than unhappily coupled.
It is nice to have someone to go camping with, but then again, we can never agree on when to go. Half the time my husband goes to the woods with his friends because they are available that weekend and I’m not.
Nice post. Really rings true for me. Even once you are in a couple, it isn’t going to be the same from day one to day 2001. Also, whether you are coupled or uncoupled, I think everyone needs a balance of companionship and time alone.
1. Thanks for linking to my blog.
2. I wish I knew about NSW in advance. I would have planned a fun singles party, complete with cocktails and inappropriate games!
i didn’t even know that week existed, where was that when i was single? haha.
and i totally love this post. you bring up so many good points for both sides of singledom.
Good post as always, being single now for a year since the big break up – I am glad I didn’t marry him – however I am still jaded and obviously have a hard time trusting men. Ah who knows………..
I love Noelle Tannenbaum’s comment that “…I’m really glad to have this time to myself to realize that getting married is not something that I want to think of as a ‘goal.’†I feel the same way. Sure, it’d be nice to find someone to share my life with but thinking of it as a goal seems too goal-ish.
I have done the same thing: Get ready and then not go. I think it’d be different with someone pulling you to go. However, I do not have a problem with going to the movies by myself. That’s something I’ve been doing for years now.
In terms of both career and seeing the world, the freedom thing is a HUGE benefit of being single. I’m in a relationship and it’s wonderful, but there have been times when I have thought, man, if I was single, I could apply to this program or move to this place. We’ve done a LDR once already, so that’s not really an option.
I don’t feel like freedom is a benefit to being single. I’ve never felt a lack of freedom in being partnered and never felt like I couldn’t do what I want to do because I “have†to take someone else’s interests into account. I just automatically make decisions that way, because I love him and his interests ARE my interests. I never feel like “this is restricting my freedom.â€
Also, just because you are partnered or married doesn’t mean that you always have somebody to do things with. Just because someone loves you and vice versa, doesn’t obligate them to a certain number of social engagements.
The point here is that love isn’t about what can someone do for you and what do you do for him. I don’t believe real love thinks that way. Being in a partnered relationship where someone unconditionally loves you and vice versa, OF COURSE that’s better than being single. Anyone who stumbles across “real love†and just turns it down is crazy. And not because of the benefits of having a man around to go camping with or reach things for you or anything like that. Because just the simple fact of being unconditionally loved is itself the best thing one could want in life.
Think of it like you think about your family: unless your family is abusive or dysfunctional, you would never think to say “there would be benefits of not having my parents in my life, I’d have more freedom because I wouldn’t have to visit them on the holidays…†I know you are close to your family — imagine saying that about one of your siblings. You wouldn’t. You don’t think of your “family obligations†as a lack of freedom. Although you’d be just fine without them, you’d never think about being without them as having benefits. That’s the way it is with marriage. Of course, being single is much better than being in a bad or even mediocre relationship, just as it’s usually beneficial to get away from abusive or dysfunctional families. But if we are talking about a GOOD relationship – of COURSE it’s better to have people love you than not.