(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
I really like the idea of Love Your Body Day. If you normally don’t take the time to celebrate your body for what it can do, and rather focus strictly on what it looks like, here’s an opportunity to change things up a bit. After reading through some of the posts written that day, though, as well as some others related to body image that didn’t specifically mention Love Your Body Day, I couldn’t help but wonder if it really does any good.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not overly pessimistic about the state of women’s attitudes towards their bodies. I know that it will never be possible for every woman to feel 100% comfortable with how she looks, but there are plenty of women who have great relationships with their bodies. It’s just that I’ve been involved in the online dating world for the past few months, and like it or not, physical looks are a huge factor. I’ve admitted that I’ve rejected people just by looking at their photos, without ever bothering to read their profiles, and I know that the same thing is being done to me.
The thing is, I know at least two other women right now who are doing online dating. It’s really interesting to me how we all have such different experiences, and look at the results we’re getting in such different ways. Liz, for instance, wrote a great post about Love Your Body Day here on BlogHer. It’s a good example of how females will always struggle to look a certain way, but in certain situations they’re able to feel pretty darn good about themselves.
But then, the very next day I read a post written by my friend Zipcode (an anonymous blogger). Zipcode recently re-joined Match.com, but she hasn’t been having a lot of luck so far — and subsequently, she’s not feeling very good about herself at the moment. (I’ve met her in person, so seeing this is a gregarious woman with a say-anything attitude reduced to feeling bad about herself is a little bit humbling.)
Its one of those days were I am feeling blah and hating myself. My self esteem is in the crapper. [...]
As I peruse stupid ass match dot com — it appears every man wants this: slender, petite, supermodel. I am none of those — gah even when I was in the most fabulous shape of my life busting doors and climbing in windows — I was never petite or slender. I got hips, I have a chest. [...] I am tall — get over it superficial dudes.
Why, as beautiful, strong, funny, successful women are we so easily reduced to feeling bad about our looks? Why, when we’re otherwise so competent in our daily lives do we allow strangers to tear us down?
Related Reading:
Hil says, “It drives me crazy to see how much women define their self-worth based on their dress size. How much they compare themselves to others. And it drives me crazy that so many women seem to think that self-acceptance is great for other people, but not for them — they still need to lose weight/tone up/meet the impossible ideal.”
Amazeingteacher has been trying online dating, but she says, in her mind “Men don’t want to date or fall in love with fat people. They. just. don’t. I’m 33 years old and I’ve dated through the years. I’ve seen men call, respond, act interested when I’m thinner…at this size it’s as if I’m nonexistent. I’m not the biggest person in the world, but sometimes it feels like it.”
Manya has received compliments on the photos she has on her dating profile, but she’d rather not be told that she’s beautiful and sexy before that person has even met her.
Susanne at Creative Mother said it’s taken some time for her to learn to love her body but “it was really worth it. Yes, I am overweight (that’s a fact) but I don’t really feel that there is something to hide.”
Live Science: In Romance, Looks Matters Most to the Beautiful
15 Comments
I think these self image symptoms are often a symptom of materialistic personalities. (Maybe materialistic isn’t the perfect word to use, but it’s close.)
Many of the women I know clearly place high value on looking good. They go to the gym all the time and they go shopping all the time. They read all the magazines and they watch all the shows. This puts them in a position where beauty defines them because they chose to be defined by it – and it’s not a contest they can realistically win. If you are an objectively very beautiful slim blonde, there are still so many beautiful blondes in this city that you will always run into and interact with a more beautiful slim blonde woman that will one up you and guys that won’t give you a second look when they see her. And if you are so-so looking to begin with – the biggest group – you are screwed.
If you define yourself in other ways, self image is much less of a problem. I also know women who either pursued very high levels of education, or achieved great things in their respective hobbies. They might have image problems as well, but they don’t show it nearly as much. They seem much happier in this respect, and their rounded personality – their idea of fun isn’t shopping every weekend and watching supermodel search reality TV show – gets them a much better relationship connection with their boyfriend/husband.
One might turn the table and say that guys are also affected by the media and they reinforce the way women define themselves. This is, of course, very true. If a woman wants to participate in the ‘who is hotter’ unofficial contest, guys will be more than happy to look and judge. But if a woman defines herself in other ways, (high level of education, nice achievements in her hobby, etc) guys will define her in other ways as well.
Have you heard the song “Women’s bodies” by a group called Rebecca Riots? Lyrics can be found at the bottom of the page: http://www.rebeccariots.com/lyrics-SomeFolks.html
I like that song.
I’ve always been fascinated by women who are completely comfortable in their own skin – and they do exist! I’m not that way but I wish I were. There is something so appealing about a girl who loves herself. It’s one of my life goals to figure out how to do that!
I know how Zipcode felt–match was hard on me with the height thing too (I’m 5’9). But then, one day, I got a “wink” from my future husband. I later found out that I’m the shortest girl he ever dated, and that he had almost set his search range on 5’10 and up versus 5’9 and up. It was odd to hear that I was almost too SHORT for him!
One of the unexpected benefits of being with him is that I’ve learned to see being tall in a whole new way–it’s his favorite thing about me, where it’s always been something I wished I could change about myself (just two inches shorter–then I could find pants!). I wish it hadn’t taken a man for me to see myself that way, but I’ll take it…
oh my god, I am a horrible body image blogger. I totally spaced on Love Your Body Day. Crap. Don’t tell anyone!
Hope you had a fantastic weekend!
There’s so much pressure on our image. But it IS possible for us to love our bodies! It takes some time and of course 100% of the time it won’t be there, but we can work on changing our attitudes and really loving ourselves and who we are, accepting what we are and being comfortable with that.
Unfortunately we live in a society where your self image is important. I do not think highly of myself but it also hurts me to see other Women my size that do the same thing. We should all love ourselves and not judge a person by how they look – the person on the inside is all that really matters. I know I know I am a believer in good but hopefully one day it will really matter.
this isa fabulous post! thanks for mentioning me – it took a lot of bravery for me to send a drink to that guy the other night. However, I am being an idiot right now because of my lack of self esteem. I am so playing with fire – and I am going to get hurt again because of it.
I say yes.
IMO the first step is being comfortable in your own skin.
unapologetically yourself.
loving the inside without strings or caveats.
but yes then loving the outside comes as well.
after time and lottsa work…but I do believe it can.
Thanks for mentioning me.
I used to online date with no picture, and in a way that was better because the only people who wrote me were interested in what I wrote. Many people say that lots of folks won’t write people with no picture. Problem solved- write them, and let your personality shine through. I had a long relationship with someone very cool that way. And I was about 40# heavier then. Confidence in who you are is always attractive.
psst gaven you an award on my blog
Ya know it’s much easier if you break it down and have Love Your Body moments, chunks of times where you can be in total acceptance. The beautiful thing would be to have these moments right after each other consistently.
On the online dating thing, besides looks there is the age thing, and boy am I experiencing that discrimination big time. Even if you’re hot looking, if you’re over a certain age, ahem 40, the pickings dwindle and men start developing all kinds of assumptions. But like you said, we all have filters for things. I’m seeing that the online dating process itself is designed more to sell “packaging” than real love connection. It’s not impossible or hard to find the real thing online but the process itself (the forms, profiles etc) is designed more for packaging. Most of my married friends say they probably would have passed their spouses profile over because of things they thought would be a big deal but later turned out not to be. It’s all very interesting.
I like the concept of Love Your Body Day. What a great thing to appreciate a body that breathes, functions, takes us places, and all the other things beyond our looks!
Hmmm….must think about this one. Sure it is possible yet aren’t most of us pretty hard on ourselves? A challenge indeed!