Monthly Archives: November 2008

Would You Travel Solo Over the Holidays?

25thNovember2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

The only major end-of-year holiday (I’m including both Thanksgiving and Christmas) that I haven’t spent with at least one family member was Christmas 2004. I was at the tail end of spending a semester abroad in Amsterdam and I had a ticket to fly back to the States a few days later. I spent most of that day walking around the city, and I saw a musical performance at a beautiful church in Dam Square. It was nice, but I’d been there for five months by that time and I was ready to go home.

Some women like to take vacations alone. I’ve done this several times (the most notable solo trip being three days in London when I was doing that semester abroad, and I’ve driven by myself across the U.S. a few times), but usually I’m meeting up with someone once I arrive at my destination. Compared to women who really have traveled the world, the few trips I’ve taken by myself don’t seem very substantial.

There are a number of advantages to traveling by yourself. The most obvious? You’re the one making the decisions about where you want to go and what you want to see. You don’t have to worry about asking your friend or significant other if they’re interested in the same destination you want to go to, or if you want to see the same things once you get there. If you want to linger in front of a statue for 15 minutes, there’s nobody to stop you or sigh in boredom. You’re not being pulled or hurried along. (But on the down side, unless you’re the type of person who enjoys striking up conversations with random strangers, there’s a real possibility you might miss having someone to talk to.)

Even though a lot of women are taking solo trips, I would think the number of women who specifically take a vacation over Thanksgiving or Christmas would be smaller than other times during the year. Personally, even though I would take a trip by myself, I wouldn’t purposefully book it to take place over the holiday season. I get along very well with my family, and most of my immediate family members live within a few hours drive. On top of that, I only get to see some of my aunts and cousins a few times a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas being included in that total). So if I were to stay away, that’s just one less time I’d get to see some people that I think are pretty cool individuals.

That being said, if a woman really wants to go somewhere and she doesn’t care what time of year it is, traveling alone during the holidays (or anytime else) is perfectly acceptable and should be encouraged. The few times I’ve had a female friend tell me they were going on a solo vacation, I’ve responded, “Good for you! That’s awesome. I should really do that, too.”

I know I’ve been guilty of putting off trips because I didn’t want to go alone, while the truth is I’d probably have a grand old time if I actually went through with it. And if I decided to take that trip over a holiday, I’m sure my family would be a little disappointed but they certainly wouldn’t be upset or disown me over it. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you.

Have you ever taken a trip by yourself? Did it take place over a major holiday? If you haven’t done so, would you?

Related Reading:

Francisca Kellett quotes a report by Travelsupermarket that says one in nine women never take a vacation because they don’t have a man to go away with.

Christine Koehler discusses solo travel in historical terms, including how it used to be taboo for women to travel by themselves.

Natalie Walsh: Why are single women missing out on holidays? “A new survey reveals that many single women are not taking holidays because they are reluctant to travel alone.”

Judy Lees: Solo travel works best if you have a focus

MSNBC: Singles getaways: Best places to travel solo

Onely highlights a fun site for singles called SoloTravel

CSTN [Connecting: Solo Travel Network] “is a not-for-profit, international organization of individuals interested in sharing going-solo tips, news about single-friendly trips, and in promoting hospitality and good will among solo travelers everywhere.”

Thelma & Louise “is an online community of women worldwide which enables members to meet like-minded women, find travel companions and fulfil their aspirations.”

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (19)

Do You Mind Being Asked, “What Do You Do?”

17thNovember2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Like it or not, we tend to be defined by our jobs. It happens with certain occupations more than others, but what we do is a big part of how others see us (and also how we see ourselves). Because of this, if you’re meeting someone for the first time, there’s a good likelihood the question of “What do you do?” will come up — especially in a dating situation.

I don’t mind being asked about what I do. When the question is asked of me, I answer and think nothing of it. I don’t have a problem asking the question of someone else, either. Depending on the answer, it can be a good conversation starter. I think of it as one of those things you like to know about someone. Even if they hate their job and don’t want to be defined by it, what a person does for a living gives immediate insight into how they spend a vast majority of their time.

I know that some people disagree with me. Living in the DC metropolitan area, I’ve read more than one blog post about how tired they are of having this be the first question they’re asked when they meet someone. “People in DC are too focused on status,” some people say.

I wonder…is it a regional phenomenon, when people are so quick to ask what someone else does for a living? (Do DC-ers really care more about knowing a person’s occupation than someone in L.A. or Austin?) Or is it a feature of living in a major metropolitan area, as opposed to somewhere rural? (In big cities, there are a huge variety of jobs to choose from. But in rural areas, there aren’t as many possibilities…so maybe in smaller places, someone’s job isn’t quite as important to know right away?)

Of course I wouldn’t want someone to think that I am my job. My job is what I do, not who I am. In my off-hours I’m a writer, a reader, a friend, a lover. I have interests that go far beyond what I do to collect my salary. But I understand there are certain assumptions that can be made about me when someone finds out I’m an Executive Assistant — like I’m more comfortable with following orders rather than giving them, for instance (which is true).

So, yes, there’s an element of stereotyping that exists based on the answer to this question. I’ll throw out some highly stereotypical examples to illustrate what I mean. If the following people told me what they do for a living, this thought process would most likely be going through my mind:

Fireman:
Pro: Trained to throw people over their shoulder (hottt).
Con: Higher risk of getting burned up in a raging fire.

Doctor:
Pro: Makes good bank.
Con: Hectic schedule, away from home a lot. Might bring home germs from sick patients.

Military guys:
Pro: Uniform = hotttt
Con: If they’re deployable, they might be gone for a long time, and there’s a higher likelihood of getting shot/injured/killed if they have to go to a war zone. If they work on U.S. soil, though, I think that would be okay.

I can’t help it. I think it’s interesting to know what somebody does, and I’m sure I’ll continue to ask.

Is this a question you like to ask of someone? Do you mind answering it yourself?

Related Reading:

Doug at To Blog Or…‘s #1 reason in his list of 12 Reasons I Won’t Date You is if “The first question you ask is, ‘So what do you do?’”

Dr. Keagirl is a urologist, and answering the question about what she does for a living used to stress her out. She says, “…the very essence of my job entails a journey into a realm which produces squirming in a polite society.

C in DC says she won’t ask people what they do for a living. “Since many people are unemployed, working illegally, or working at a job they don’t enjoy or are not particularly proud of, I think it’s impolite to inquire. Besides, there’s more to a person than their job, and those are the things I would usually rather hear about!”

Diaries of a Crazy Single Girl went out with some friends and they decided to lie about who they are and what they do for a living. Why? “Well because we’re women and we’re crazy.”

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (29)

How Much Would You Pay to Be Fit?

11thNovember2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I had a private kettlebell session back in September, which set me back $80 for one hour. The BOSU balance trainer I bought was another $80, and that was after using a coupon. The krav maga class was $20. My bicycle cost over $500 (not including the price of the helmet or the bike rack for my car). My gym membership is $65 per month, minus the $25 subsidy I get from my employer (hooray for good benefits at work!). In other words, there are a lot of fitness options out there that are far from cheap.

Not only that, if I’d wanted to sign up for group kettlebell or krav maga on a longer-term basis than just a random class here and there, it would mean committing to a monthly fee. In the DC metropolitan area where I live, both of these classes would be close to (if not more than) several hundred dollars each per month. It’s the same thing with something like CrossFit — that’s over $200 per month, too.

My roommate is thinking about joining L.A. Boxing, which has a location in Old Town Alexandria not far from where we live. The cost for that facility is $75 a month with a one-year commitment. That’s the thing with most/all of the gyms I’ve ever seen — they all have contracts. If you’re away for a few weeks, or even a month at a time, you don’t get reimbursed for what you don’t use.

Why do so many of us pay such big bucks? Because we can. Because we’re interested, it’s fun, and we have the disposable income. I make a comfortable salary, I have no debt, I live in an area with a huge variety of fitness options, and I could afford to pay for at least one of the aforementioned classes without having to cut back on my regular spending in any way. I’ve chosen not to simply because I’m frugal, and right now I don’t think the fee would justify the number of times I’d attend the class in a typical month.

I understand that the people who conduct the training for these classes have to be paid for their time, and the facilities where they take place have to pay their bills and also make a profit. But the cost makes me think about all the people out there who would like to learn a new skill, but aren’t able to do so because they can’t afford it. For a lot of people, it’s a prohibitively high expense. (There are, of course, many things you can do to work up a sweat that cost little or no money — that would be a good topic to explore in a separate post.)

Everyone knows that the economy isn’t doing so great right now. Are fitness expenses one of the things you’re cutting back on? Have you ever added up the amount of money you spend on fitness equipment, clothing, classes and memberships?

Related Reading:

Samantha says that fitness is a luxury “in the great scheme of things, just like it is a luxury for we Americans to think about whether we are personally fulfilled, satisfied in our relationships or (insert overfed middle class desire, stress or neuroses here).”

Michelle Woo tried the Bar Method, but it was “crazy expensive. I just couldn’t keep shelling out $250 a month for exercise. When it came down to it, no matter how tranquil that beachside studio was and no matter how much positive reinforcement those pretty ladies gave me…I knew deep inside that there had to be a way I could burn off my jiggling gut and afford new underwear. So I stopped.”

Charlotte at the Great Fitness Experiment asked, Would You Pay $48 A Week To Be Thin?

Stephanie at Back in Skinny Jeans has a list of reasons why It’s easier to get & stay thin when you’re rich.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer, Fitness | Comments (16)

When Unwanted Advancements Go Too Far

10thNovember2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I’d like to take back any mean thing I’ve said about being the recipient of unwanted advancements in a bar. Although these situations can be annoying — especially if I’m talking to a friend at the time, or I’m trying my hardest NOT to look at that person (which should be a good clue) — most of the people I encounter in regular bars are polite and unthreatening.

This was not the case last weekend when I was hanging out in DC. Even though I live just a few miles outside of Washington, DC in northern VA (and work in the city five days a week), I rarely spend time there at night.

(I’m not implying that the location itself was the sole factor. It was Halloween night, and I was dressed kind of provocatively — which is something I don’t normally do. I’m not saying this excuses bad behavior in any way, just that it might have played a role.)

The thing is, though, I was hit on at least three different times, none of them were handled the right way, and all of them made me feel very uncomfortable. And because of what happened, it makes me a little wary of putting myself in a similar situation.

Here’s what happened:

Scenario 1: Being Physically Grabbed

Walking through the second floor of the Hard Rock Cafe, several paces behind my friends (I was wearing high heels, so I couldn’t walk as fast as I normally do). My progress was abruptly halted when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him. “Why are you all by yourself, sweetheart?” he asked. “I’m not,” I said as I jerked my arm away and continued walking.

(Internal thoughts: “Really, dude? Grabbing my arm?”)

Scenario 2: Not Getting the Hint

Same location, but standing near the downstairs dance floor with a female. A man approaches and starts talking to me. Keeps saying stuff like, “I know I need to leave you alone,” and “I don’t want to stick around here and hit on you,” but he didn’t leave until I got on the phone (purposefully, so he would go away).

(Internal thoughts: I was trying not to be rude, but I should have done/said something sooner.)

Scenario 3: Being asked for personal Information

Waiting at a Metro station with the same female, trying to get home. A visibly drunk man approaches and asks me, “Where are you going?”

Me: “I don’t feel comfortable giving you that information.”

Him: “Well, there are only so many stops on this line.”

Me [thinking, 'Is he going to follow me to see where I get off?']: “Look, I’m talking to my friend right now.”

Him: “Fine! That’s what I get for telling you that you’re beautiful.”

(Internal thoughts: “Um, no, crazy man. That’s not what you said. But thanks. Now go away.”)

I’ve also been harassed by someone in a car once, while I was on foot. And a few months ago, at a bar in Alexandria, a man that my roommate and I were having a friendly conversation with became overly aggressive and tried to pull up my shirt (“to see if I had a belly-button ring” was his explanation). Luckily a male friend arrived just then and stepped in to help.

Did you get that last sentence? “Luckily a male friend arrived just then and stepped in to help.”

In the three scenarios I listed from Halloween night, the common denominator was that I was alone, or standing with another female — there were no guys around at the time. It kind of upsets me that the presence of another male would most likely have thwarted all those things from happening. While I appreciate having a protector, I shouldn’t need one.

I won’t stay away from places I want to go if I only have a female with me, but maybe I’ll start wearing a shirt that says, “Keep Away or my Boyfriend Will Kick Your Ass.”

Have you guys experienced anything similar? Have you noticed that the presence of a male friend/boyfriend tends to keep unwanted advancements at bay?

Related Reading:

When Cheri got hit on by a creepy guy while riding a bus, she used the common stand-by line, “I have a boyfriend.”

Natalie couldn’t get rid of a guy at work who was bothering her, so she decided to “take a big swig from my water bottle to flash him my sparkly wedding ring diamond.” He retreated after that. (Hey, maybe that’s what I need? A fake diamond to ward off advances?)

Sassy Kathy, age 23, got hit on by a “50+ year old man” at Borders. Being approached by a man in this age group is a common occurrence for her.

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (19)

Ooh-la-la, Show Me That Sexy Halloween Costume!

3rdNovember2008

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Dressing up in a sexy costume for Halloween isn’t anything out of the ordinary. In fact, if you’re looking for a pre-made costume instead of putting something together yourself, it can be difficult to find something that isn’t sexy. For many women it’s all about short skirts, plunging necklines, high heels, peek-a-boo cutouts, and clinging fabric.

Before this year, it had been so long since I’d been in costume that I don’t remember how old I was or what I’d worn (but I know I was young and I had strict parents, so I’m sure the costume covered everything that should have been covered). Even though wearing a sexy outfit isn’t anything new or original, I still gravitated that way when I was looking for ideas.

In my case, wearing a sexy costume felt different and exciting because it’s not the way I normally dress. Although some ladies can take the idea of sexy a little too far (revealing more than a lot of people are comfortable with), I would hypothesize that most women in sexy costumes are dressing that way because — for one night, at least — they can.

On Halloween, if you’re wearing a dress that juuuuust covers your behind? Most people will assume it’s a one-time fun costume deal, and not something you wear all the time. They’re less likely to make assumptions about your personal life and/or sexual habits based on the way you’re dressed. On Halloween, you’re allowed to be someone you’re not.

I went to an 80s-themed party the weekend before Halloween, so I used the same costume when I went out on Halloween night. When I was putting together my costume, I had to go out and buy some black high heels (to go with my hot pink minidress) because the pair I already owned were too “work safe.” I also bought fishnets, which were something else I didn’t already have. (Completing the 80s costume? Star-shaped earrings, hot pink fingernails, glittery blue eyeshadow, side ponytail.)

And you know what? It was fun. I didn’t want to be a superhero or a cartoon character…I just wanted to step outside my normal life for a while. For a few hours, I didn’t care if people stared.

Hayden agrees that Halloween is the time to be someone you’re usually not.

While I harbor an extreme dislike of this [sexy costume] trend for children, I see no problem with it for adults.

Halloween is the one time of year where you can be anyone, dress up anyway you want to. Is it any surprise that so many women pick ‘sexy _____’ when so many women are struggling with their body image? It’s the one time of year when someone can be exactly who they want to be without worrying over someone else’s judgment.

Erin thinks that some people go too far with their sexy costumes, and Halloween shouldn’t just be “an excuse to wear lingerie in public.”

In actuality, I found it very sad. Sad, that innocent costumes like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz or cute bunnies, bumble bees, angels (?!), and respected professionals turn into girls selling themselves out for attention. I have never seen so many bums hanging out of skirts and shorts in my life. It is sad that the messages we send women are that being sexy is more important than anything else, and that careers dominated by women (nursing, cleaning, teaching, etc) are opportunities to show some leg.

If you don’t want to dress in a sexy costume, it can be difficult to find something tame. Sarah at The Mom Chronicles had this problem.

Halloween tomorrow – got a last minute invite to a party requiring a costume. Fantastic. Not many options if you don’t want to be a slutty nurse, or a slutty… anything. I think I may just try to find some cat ears, wear all black and call it good.

Liz at I’m Just Saying… went looking for a non-sexy outfit but had a hard time finding anything suitable at a costume store.

Yes, there were lots of costumes for women, but I kid you not 95% of the costumes for women were slutt-i-fied. Sexy nurse. Sexy police officer. Sexy baseball player. Sexy football player. Sexy ladybug. Sexy bumblebee. Sexy Snow White…you get the idea. [...]

Perhaps the best part of the evening was the number of women trying on all those costumes while we were there. People really do buy them!! Shocking.

What’s your opinion of sexy costumes?

By Zandria | Posted in BlogHer | Comments (14)