(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
Like it or not, we tend to be defined by our jobs. It happens with certain occupations more than others, but what we do is a big part of how others see us (and also how we see ourselves). Because of this, if you’re meeting someone for the first time, there’s a good likelihood the question of “What do you do?” will come up — especially in a dating situation.
I don’t mind being asked about what I do. When the question is asked of me, I answer and think nothing of it. I don’t have a problem asking the question of someone else, either. Depending on the answer, it can be a good conversation starter. I think of it as one of those things you like to know about someone. Even if they hate their job and don’t want to be defined by it, what a person does for a living gives immediate insight into how they spend a vast majority of their time.
I know that some people disagree with me. Living in the DC metropolitan area, I’ve read more than one blog post about how tired they are of having this be the first question they’re asked when they meet someone. “People in DC are too focused on status,” some people say.
I wonder…is it a regional phenomenon, when people are so quick to ask what someone else does for a living? (Do DC-ers really care more about knowing a person’s occupation than someone in L.A. or Austin?) Or is it a feature of living in a major metropolitan area, as opposed to somewhere rural? (In big cities, there are a huge variety of jobs to choose from. But in rural areas, there aren’t as many possibilities…so maybe in smaller places, someone’s job isn’t quite as important to know right away?)
Of course I wouldn’t want someone to think that I am my job. My job is what I do, not who I am. In my off-hours I’m a writer, a reader, a friend, a lover. I have interests that go far beyond what I do to collect my salary. But I understand there are certain assumptions that can be made about me when someone finds out I’m an Executive Assistant — like I’m more comfortable with following orders rather than giving them, for instance (which is true).
So, yes, there’s an element of stereotyping that exists based on the answer to this question. I’ll throw out some highly stereotypical examples to illustrate what I mean. If the following people told me what they do for a living, this thought process would most likely be going through my mind:
Fireman:
Pro: Trained to throw people over their shoulder (hottt).
Con: Higher risk of getting burned up in a raging fire.
Doctor:
Pro: Makes good bank.
Con: Hectic schedule, away from home a lot. Might bring home germs from sick patients.
Military guys:
Pro: Uniform = hotttt
Con: If they’re deployable, they might be gone for a long time, and there’s a higher likelihood of getting shot/injured/killed if they have to go to a war zone. If they work on U.S. soil, though, I think that would be okay.
I can’t help it. I think it’s interesting to know what somebody does, and I’m sure I’ll continue to ask.
Is this a question you like to ask of someone? Do you mind answering it yourself?
Related Reading:
Doug at To Blog Or…‘s #1 reason in his list of 12 Reasons I Won’t Date You is if “The first question you ask is, ‘So what do you do?’”
Dr. Keagirl is a urologist, and answering the question about what she does for a living used to stress her out. She says, “…the very essence of my job entails a journey into a realm which produces squirming in a polite society.
C in DC says she won’t ask people what they do for a living. “Since many people are unemployed, working illegally, or working at a job they don’t enjoy or are not particularly proud of, I think it’s impolite to inquire. Besides, there’s more to a person than their job, and those are the things I would usually rather hear about!”
Diaries of a Crazy Single Girl went out with some friends and they decided to lie about who they are and what they do for a living. Why? “Well because we’re women and we’re crazy.”
29 Comments
I’m like you – I’m always interested in what people do. After all, it’s how they spend the majority of their time! Often though I wait for them to volunteer the information rather than asking outright. Although I’ve been known to do that too:) I have a good friend who is a waiter and he abhors it when people ask him that question. I think he’s ashamed to say he’s a waiter at a pancake house… Which he shouldn’t be because he’s a completely awesome person.
I don’t mind the question. But, I think a better question is, “What do you do for fun?” I think that tells more about a person’s personality and interests.
I’ve never understood the “uniform = hot” bit. Why is that? Does it only apply when the uniform comes to one honestly, or can someone make a point of sporting a uniform in order to become hot?
Personally I’ve never minded the question, even when I was dating and yes, I always ask it as an ice breaker…it usually leads the way to common ground. However, I do have a friend(male) who never answers the question honestly – if he’s on a date. He is an engineer and will usually tell the girls he is a garbage man or janitor or unemployed or some other relatively low paying job to keep from being stereotyped as ‘money’ and find girls who are interested in him and not his job. I’ve watched him work in action and I have to admit – it is sad when women walk away who would otherwise be interested in him just because of his job status.
~K
If I get asked that questoin, I answer with a “What I do? I often knit, sew or read. Right now I’m attending a party/meeting up with you/trying to work out. But maybe you wondered what I do to pay my bills?”
I used to live in a University town and one of my friends, who also lived there, got sick and tired of being asked what she studied when in fact she wasn’t a student but worked full-time. This bugged her a lot… And I learnt never to assume that people in “student-age” were students or now, that people do have a job to go to.
I don’t mind the question…and sometimes I ask it of other people. I think it’s a good ice breaker and it makes it easier to get a topic to talk about.
honestly, I often use the “so, what do you do?” question. It’s an easy way to start a conversation with someone, as that immediately gives us something to talk about. Sometimes, I’ll switch it up and go with “so, what do you do in your free time?,” but lots of people have boring hobbies or just answer “oh, watch a lot of TV.” (I suppose that question does weed out some people for me.) But I’m actually not quite sure how to start conversations with random people and get to know them, and it is pretty common that most people out there do have a job.
Zandria, posts like this make me wonder if women see any value in men who are just down to earth and intelligent? I don’t mean to dismiss the incredibly important work that fire fighters and military people do; but what about the guy who enjoys being a teacher and educating others? the guy who enjoys spending his time reading books rather than pumping iron? the guy who can keep an intellectual conversation going forever?
Are fire fighters inherently more attractive to women than think tank fellows? Is an army private more attractive than a state department diplomat? Are women attracted primarily to looks and money (in the case of the doctor) rather than they care about what a man has to offer deep down?
I agree. I think a lot of people judge you by your profession which should not be the case. I am not defined by what I do. Great pos!
Mara
http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/
In my experience the question still comes up a lot, even post dating scene. It usually comes up in situations where I meet new people or I’m making small talk, like at the hair salon. And to be honest, I dread the question. It’s not that I don’t like my job (I do!), or that I don’t feel like it gives an accurate impression of me (it does, actually), but that it’s an almost guaranteed conversation killer. As soon as I say, “I make websites and databases”, I get an “Oh” in response, followed by a blank stare.
my profession scares off most men.
When asked what I do, sometimes I just answer “Well, when I am not working, I enjoy…” and mention whatever hobby I think might turn the conversation in a different direction.
Ha. I don’t mind the question either, but I’ll never forget the time a girl asked and when I said lawyer her next question was “What kind of car do you drive?”
That killed it.
Ha. You’re stereotypes are so funny b/c they are complete opposite of what I think of. This should make Salty happy. I am a lover of geeks, so men in uniform, buff guys, lawyers, doctors – nope. Nothing except maybe a propensity for ego. But a guy who gets stupidly worked up about organizing his books by author in chronological order of how they were published making a special shelf for first edition rare copies (i.e. the guy I’m currently with) very hot.
In terms of what do you do – I find people in the bay area more respectful of lifestyle rather than just job. Very much unlike the south where I grew up.
This was a hard question for me to answer for the past couple years, since I quit my ‘real job’. But I don’t blame people for asking it – I agree, it’s generally a good conversation starter, and what someone spends so much of their time doing does tell you a lot about him or her. I just need to find a better answer…
man this is a tough one as Ive always loved to ASK IT and loathed being asked.
it has taken me YEARS to look someone in the eye and say:
IM A WRITER.
It’s a good question, and it tells you a lot about the person. But we DO jump to conclusions when we hear someone say something. And the way we say it can make a big difference too.
We make associations with various jobs, so its important to word them carefully!
I don’t think it is the first question I ask someone…. I find that a little strange myself as it is usually the first thing anyone asks me (even in the ‘welcome’ time at church…. you could just ask me about how my Saturday was or something).
Since I’ve been off work (and lost my job) it’s become even stranger for me “actually I’m not working because I have a brain injury” is a bit of a conversation stopper! I think you shouldn’t ask the question unless you are prepared to have an intelligent and considerate conversation about the answer.
In France it’s considered a bit rude to ask what a person does, it’s better to ask where they are from, at least initially… but that’s cultural I think.
I know an airline pilot that always says he does other things when asked point blank, when we were out at a bar or whatever. It did make a point.
I think the problem with DC is not that “what do you do?” is a primary question but it’s the weight that the answer has. In other cities, it doesn’t seem to be all that important what the answer to that question is, but here, it really seems to matter.
Like someone previously mentioned, I think asking that question is a cultural thing. I read an American-bashing article once about how Americans are very much consumed by status. Personally, I wouldn’t care unless I’m out on the dating scene. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my job or career choice doesn’t define me. I’m an accountant, but I’ve come to the realization that it’s not my passion and it doesn’t give me personal satisfaction that I’ve always expected out of a career. Whenever that gets me down, I have to remind myself that it’s a part of who I am, but I’m so much more!!
The question doesn’t bother me…I do spend the majority of my time there. Frankly though I’d rather talk about school because that is what I want to do as a career!
Hi Zandria. Haven’t read in a while and decided to stop by :-) How are you doing?
Excellent post, as usual. I think that wanting to know what everyone does for a living is a pretty universal thing. Even here in Africa ;-) And I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. It is a HUGE part of who we are, after all.
I really hate that question now because some people assume that just because I am home with my kids I do nothing. (“so what do you do ALL day long?!”)
I can tell you what I don’t do: anything by myself or without someone screaming/yelling/crying. (sigh)
You know the first few times I went to Europe {for business even} I noticed that no one asked me what I did or work. It felt a little weird but was very refreshing. I felt like people actually wanted to know me for me, not by what my profession is. Here in Silicon Valley, people don’t necessarily ask you what you do because the assumption is tech, but more “where do you work?” There seems to be some status attached to who has hired you ie. Google vs no-one’s-ever-heard-of-startup.
On dates, when asked the question I say I’m a writer because saying “blogger” on a first date can open some can o’ worms. Don’t want him Googling me already..lol!
It’s not that I mind but since I am not overly passioned by my current job, or at least not by the sector I am working it, I don’t like to be defined by my job. And unfortunately when meeting new people it’s one of the first questions that comes up, and I think other things I do in my life define me much more!
I see people in NY do it too, although I think they’re less quick to jump right to it as what I encountered in DC. I agree though… I feel like it’s more what I do outside of work that defines who I am and my interests than my day job necessarily does.
DC is a very transient city. A lot of people come here for a few years for work and school and then leave. Jobs play a bigger role in people’s lives. Consequently, people are more defined by their jobs here than in other parts of the country.
As one travels around the country, the question is asked less and less. Europe is similar; one gets isolated urban pockets where the question is more popular.
Personally, I don’t necessarily like being asked (because my job is fairly polarizing to some people), but I do like asking. Lots of people in DC have very interesting careers which leads to some follow up questions that broaden my horizons and keep my interest.
In terms of defining people, I generally define people based on how they chose to define themselves. It’s not a status or money thing for me. (although I think it’s perfectly fine if it is a status/money thing for some people)
I’m finally catching up on my reading! I find myself doing this, asking people what they do. I don’t know that it’s a good thing. I think I ask because I do feel (at a certain age like me :) that what you’ve decided to stick with is part of who you are. At 25? I’m not so sure.
I never mind being asked these days. But admittedly, my answer changes depending on who’s doing the asking. When I had just started my business and I went to corporate affairs with Andrew, his big-suit-wearing co-workers would ask me and I’d say I was a stay at home mom. I still don’t know why I said that – probably so they wouldn’t talk to me! It worked.