A few bloggers I read participate in “TMI Thursday,” which involves disclosing some intimate detail about your life that you probably don’t go around talking about in everyday conversation. I never thought I’d participate, but…since today is Thursday and I have a question I’d like to throw out, I’m going for it.
This information isn’t new to the people who know me in real life. (Hey! It’s something I can talk about without worrying about parental reactions — because they already know about it!)
Here it is: when I first met an ex-boyfriend of mine, he was married. As in, “married and still living with the wife,” not just “married but separated.” The reason I continued to…um…”talk” to him? “hang out” with him?…after he informed me of his marital status was because he assured me he was on the verge of moving out. And, to his credit, he was telling the truth. He moved out a few weeks after we met and we were together for close to a year.
I know that some people would view this behavior as being…sort of home wrecker-ish? All I have to say, it is what it is. It’s never just one person’s decision or one person’s fault; there are always multiple factors. I never would have gotten involved with this person (and will never be involved with a future person) if he was carrying on a healthy relationship with his wife. The biggest reason — setting aside any discussion of moral matters — is because I’M FREAKIN’ SELFISH. If I’m with someone, I want to be their top priority. I don’t want to share.
So! Now I want to ask you guys a sort-of-related question.
Zan’s Question:
Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, you know a guy and think he’s pretty cool, but you haven’t met him in person yet. This guy is interested in you, too, but he has a girlfriend. He knows that you know about his girlfriend, and he knows that you’re not going to…hang out with him alone. But maybe you’re thinking about hanging out with him in a public place? You could say you’re just being friendly, but this might not be completely true.
So…is this a recipe for disaster? Or would you go forward and see what happens? (Keep in mind that it will not break my heart if this guy stays with his girlfriend. Zan has plenty of online dating prospects.)
Discuss! (And guys, please feel free to weigh in with the male perspective.)
32 Comments
It’s a touchy subject– I guess I’d ask myself how long they’ve been together… do they live together. Maybe it shouldn’t matter either way. If you guys genuinely hang out w/o any funny business I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it…but if you know it will go too far then I’d opt out.
Normally I’d say – so for it, what’s the harm? But…one thing stands out – you said “guy is interested in you, too, but he has a girlfriend.”
Whoa – Guy has girlfriend AND is looking at potential possibilities. What if that were you? Obviously there are issues with that relationship, but that being said are the issues severe enough that it is on its way out the door and if so then why not wait for the end. If the issues are just typical relationship ‘crap’ and he’s looking for possible future connections because today is crappy – would you want to be the next girl who he does this too?
Just a though…
~K
I would consider it from the perspective of if he’s willing to cheat on her, then down the road he’ll be willing to cheat on you too. Leopards don’t change their spots:) Sure it’s kind of exciting in the short term but is that the kind of character you want in someone for a long-term potential?
What a great question Zan – I am kind of in the same place with someone. They have a girlfriend (they just starting dating nothing serious that I can tell) but I feel so guilty spending time with them and she is not around. I would love to hear what you guys have to say on this subject also.
Mara
http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/
we’re assuming his girlfriend thinks he’s being faithful to her, right?
for me it would depend on what i wanted from the guy. if i just wanted a one night stand or something, i wouldn’t much care about the girlfriend, in fact i’ve “hung out” with an engaged guy before and i didn’t feel bad at all. i don’t think she ever found out – they ended up getting married.
if i was interested in a relationship with the guy i wouldn’t get involved with a guy who was cheating. basically for the reasons kel and charlotte note.
for the record, i would consider hanging out in a public place with the intent of flirting and or “seeing what happens” to be cheating if that’s something he wouldn’t want the girlfriend to find out about. (which i assume he doesn’t) i wouldn’t get involved in a relationship with a guy that lacked integrity like that.
but if all you want is to kiss him, etc. — go for it.
Gotta agree with Charlotte. If someone cheats on anyone, they’re likely to cheat in the future.
I think its a recipe for disaster. Sometimes these situations are okay- for example (might as well join in on the TMI Thursday;)), I’ve been in love with my best male friend for years, and he’s had a girlfriend nearly the entire time I’ve known him. But we still hang out and all of course, because I have accepted the fact that he’s not with me so I don’t try to “steal him” or anything. So it works.
I’ve been cheated on too many times and seen too many relationships fall apart to think that this is a good idea. Then again, you’ve got a point that it’s never one persons fault, and if the relationship isn’t strong enough to withstand one person in it being friends with someone of the opposite sex then those people clearly shouldn’t be together anyways.
…all around, this one’s a toughie, Zandria!
I’m going to disagree with some other commenters. Maybe it’s because I’ve had an ex cheat on me . . . with several different girls who knew me . . . but I just can’t support or condone getting together with a guy in a relationship for non-platonic purposes. Of course, it’s not your fault that a guy decides to stray, but I still steer clear of gettin’ with a guy who is in any sort of a committed relationship. Unless he’s in an open relationship, I’d avoid messing with that.
(caveat: I’m not into one-night stands, so I’d have a hard time emotionally separating myself from the situation and the guy. So this should also be considered an influencing factor in my own personal choice.)
Final decision: if you think you might like him, and you wouldn’t do anything other than just talk unless he broke up with his girlfriend, then it would be worthwhile to go give it a gander. But I’d steer clear if it’s just a hookup or if this guy would willingly cheat on his girlfriend and then ultimately try to date you too.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. But who knows, a friend of mine cheated on his fiancee with a girl who he eventually left his fiancee for. He’s now engaged to this girl. So who knows!?
This is a tough one. Part of me wants to say that it’s not your responsability to make sure that he treats his current girlfriend nicely… It’s up to him. So go ahead and meet him.
But part of me also agrees with classic jen. It all depends on what you want from this guy. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, it might be good to know that he was “man enough” to end his current relationship before starting one with you. If he’s looking for someone (which I assume by your story) one might wonder if he’s too lazy, afraid, chicken or what it is that’s keeping him from ending his current relationship…
I don’t think you should stay away because of guilt or anything like that. It’s not your responsibility. But you might want to think about whether this is the kind of person you’re really looking for.
From an ethical stand point, I say go for it. He’s not married and as long as it’s public and under friendly (as opposed to making out) pretenses, what’s the harm?
However, from a “been hurt before” girl standpoint, I’d be very wary. This guy has a girlfriend but is actively pursuing other prospects. I’m not sure that’s the kind of guy I’d want to be dating. If I really, really liked the guy in that case, I’d probably just tell him to call me when he breaks up with his girlfriend.
Good question. I tend to disagree with some commenters about the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t think anyone is always something for the rest of their life. People change. Relationships change. I dunno, I never see any harm in hanging out with people in public. It’s what you do afterward that is the real concern. One of my favorite sayings is “actions speak louder than words.”
Maybe just coffee? That seems less dangerous than booze…
And welcome to TMI Thursday!
http://www.livitluvit.com/search/label/TMI%20Thursday
I did this, except I was the one in a relationship chatting up a new guy on the side. I don’t consider myself having cheated because I broke up with my boyfriend before going further than a friendship with the new guy. Despite the fact that I really liked the new guy, in fact it ended up being my first real heart break, if a relationship is going to finish it needs to finish on its own. Without interference of a third person despite what influence that person has had on the relationship. It’s a healthy breakup verses a horrible breakup, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone on the heels of a horrible breakup – too much baggage. But, you know, every circumstance is different. And the comments present quite a debate!
I’d go hang out with the guy. But I definitely wouldn’t let anything happen between us until he had broken up with the girlfriend. Not because I think it’s the end of the world if something does, but I’ve been the “home-wrecker” before (though not of a massively serious relationship) and it makes me cringe to think back on it. So, I’d be good simply for my future self.
I also don’t believe the whole once a cheater always a cheater thing. Shit happens, people do things they shouldn’t, and people can change. But I do think it would be hard to develop a long lasting relationship with someone knowing they cheated with you. It would kind of feel like it tainted the whole thing a bit.
I don’t necessarily believe that cheaters can’t change… but I would not consider getting even slightly emotionally involved with a guy who wasn’t single. I wouldn’t want to be the reason they broke up either… and if they did break up, I wouldn’t want to get involved with the guy until at least a few weeks had passed. It’s just something I decided a long time ago I am not okay with, I will get hurt and the other girl will get hurt and the guy might get hurt too as a result of the scenario. I don’t want to be a homewrecker, I don’t want to be a rebound, and I don’t want to be with a guy who might cheat on me.
I don’t see how this can go anywhere good. You meet him and you like him. . .and he still has a girlfriend.
If you’re committed, and want to hang out without your committed half, do it at an Arby’s. No one has ever gotten too rowdy for their britches at an Arby’s. Completely asexual place, that Arby’s. Coffee shops have dim lighting… Bars and real restaurants have alcohol… I’m telling you: Arby’s.
I say it’s not a good idea – I always think, “How would I feel if someone did that to me?” In this case, the girlfriend. He is not a cool guy IMO. Not worthy.
IMHO, that hypothetical situation sounds totally sleazy. Mostly because of this: “You could say you’re just being friendly, but this might not be completely true.” If there is any *inkling* that it is more than a totally platonic relationship, back off. You owe yourself (not to mention the sister involved) that respect and honesty.
I too, am a big fan of “it is what it is,” and what this appears to be is rationalization. It’s a bit unclear in your post; why are you and this guy talking/how did you meet?
once a cheater, always a cheater. just like my dad.
I don’t think it’s black and white – more a shade of gray. How serious is the current relationship? How “good” is the current relationship? It’s not like they are married.
That said, I would not do it. It’s not worth the risk. What kind of character is that showing? What thoughts will come up in the future, if you guys are together.
And, all that said – without being in the shoes of all the people involved – it is also not my place to judge. There is no way I can know fully the circumstances that are involved.
I think I’ve swayed in every direction here Zandria. I’ll leave you with what I would do if I were the guy – I would not meet if I believed at all this was anything more than friendship.
There are a lot of mismatched couples out there who are together because there is nobody else. Unfortunately they get married and create unhappy families. So, if one person stumbles upon a chance of having a happy relationship, he or she should go for it. I’ve been in the situations, when my ex-boyfriends’ friends asked me out when I was still dating their sometimes best friends. I used to think those were improper proposal even though my then relationships were not making me happy and those “best friends” were a better match for me. I missed on a lot of opportunities at being happy with the right person.
Personally, I’d back off. Why risk getting too emotionally involved with someone in that type of situation? If it were completely platonic, that would be a different matter.
If you feel like you could hang out with the possibility of a crush looming in your head, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Whether it’s small or not, there’s going to be some twinge of “ugh” if he chooses to stay with her.
For me personally, it’s too complicated already which is my sign to moooooveeee on to those less complicated prospects.
Zandria. You know the answer to that question. Its all about intentions. if youre intentions are genuine then you will almost never have to ask someone else. Your self confidence will tell you. you wont care what anyone thinks because your intentions are of your own volition. Me personally. All is fair in love and war. But i own it. if it turns ugly . Love is not safe there is no “rules” it always sneaks up on you and gets yer ass.. bla bla bla …that was not very coherent was it
I have noticed that when women go after men who are already in a relationship they seem to be dismissive of the relationship in order to justify their own behavior – saying it must not be a good relationship if he’s willing to cheat (on any level) and therefore it’s not that big a deal to initiate a relationship with him. There is really no way to know (and therefore pass judgement) on a relationship between two other people. All you can know for sure is that if the guy reciprocates your interest he is probably a jerk. Do you really want someone like that? Or do you think that’s all you deserve? Are there no single men available? I realize that for some women it adds to the thrill of the hunt if the guy is already involved with someone else. To each his own.
dont have time to see if this was said BUT for me it’s a no.
perhaps for the wrong reason as well.
if he’d cheat on her then he’d cheat on you later.
and, even if he DIDNT, youd always be wondering…
just my .02
Cyndy, you are so right on. Holla!
Alex, you said, “There are a lot of mismatched couples out there who are together because there is nobody else. Unfortunately they get married and create unhappy families. So, if one person stumbles upon a chance of having a happy relationship, he or she should go for it.” So let me get this straight: While someone may be too lazy or insecure to actively fix or end their obviously poor relationship, it’s perfectly acceptable to carry on the facade of girlfriend/boyfriend until someone else comes in and offers an easy out. Really?
if you dont mine me saying so. whether married or with a girl friend…either way, if this is what you want just “stand in line”. if one thing i have found out in my 56yrs is that, “what goes around comes around”. he will do unto you what he has done unto others sooner if not later. a more important question for everyone is that, now is it always the “other” one that has created a negative pattern for their life and for the lives they come in contact with or have we become “the neg. influence? if he is willing to meet you, talk to you, or whatever…a cheater is always a cheater. his strips go all the way through to the heart. take that to the bank.
Hey Zandria!
Hope that helps.
Good question and one that I’ve wrestled with myself. To be honest, I go with girl code on this one and don’t hang out with him. If my feelings aren’t totally platonic and I would totally make a move, I just don’t trust myself. If you’re a nice girl and wouldn’t do that, then yes. But I know, I’m not that nice and don’t trust myself at all.
I agree with MizFit. Stay Away!!! Don’t go there.!!!!