(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
According to a recent New York Times article, an increasing number of couples are choosing to elope rather than plan (and pay for) a wedding. Although the decision of how and where to get married isn’t one I’ll have to deal with anytime soon, the article intrigued me — it’s nice to know that alternatives to traditional weddings are becoming more accepted as time goes on.
I seem to have reached a point in my life where weddings and engagements and recent marriages are all around me. I was a bridesmaid last fall in a friend’s wedding, and my younger sister just got engaged over Christmas (with a wedding tentatively scheduled for September). I also have a number of blogging friends who give updates on their wedding plans.
I know some people have a lot more of these wedding scenarios to deal with than I do. One of my female co-workers was invited to five weddings just last summer. She’s no longer living in her home state so she ended up not attending any of them, but she sent $50 gift cards to each engaged couple as a wedding gift. So compared to that, what I hear about is certainly not excessive…but the discussions are still there. And because I hear it, I realize that I’m starting to have opinions about what I would and wouldn’t want if I was in that situation.
I’ve never been the type of person to daydream about a huge wedding. Having an aversion to spending large sums of money (unless it’s going to something tangible and long-lasting, like a house) is a big part of it, but another big turnoff is all the planning. I’ve heard a number of people say, “I had no idea how much was involved with wedding planning until I got started.” I was talking to a newly-engaged woman not long ago, and while it was interesting to hear about the colors she’d picked out and her extensive hunt for just the right style of bridesmaid dress, I couldn’t help thinking to myself: “Not me. No way. No fun.”
I’m just not the type of person who enjoys extensive, in-depth, long-term planning. I also have a short attention span and limited patience for shopping. Choosing dresses, and flowers, and cakes, and venues? The thought makes me itch (as in, it doesn’t sound the least bit fun).
The thing is, though, I don’t mind listening if someone wants to tell me about their wedding-planning experience. It doesn’t take a lot of time to listen to a story or read about it in a blog post. I just don’t want to be the one doing the actual planning. If a bride-to-be wants to go on multiple shopping sprees to find the perfect dress, I’ll wait to hear the Cliffs Notes version. (FYI, this is also why I shouldn’t be asked to be a Maid of Honor. Again, I’m horrible and ambivalent when it comes to planning.)
Due to these reasons, I can totally see myself being the type of person who would elope. Screw the planning, screw the lists, screw the pomp and circumstance. If I were asked to picture an ideal getting-married scenario, here’s something nice that comes to mind: I’d grab my beloved, head to a deserted beach, and have a justice of the peace meet us there. I’d stand there, clutching his arm, not wanting to let go, not having to wonder or care if the train on my dress is straight or if my fancy up-do is coming undone. Then the official would leave and my man and I would go for a long walk in the surf in our bare feet.
Also, just because you’re eloping doesn’t mean you have to do without a celebration. In fact, the party could end up being more fun because everyone could be less formal and wear whatever they wanted. I know there are a lot of people out there who disagree with me (especially considering how many people I know who are in the midst of planning weddings, compared to the number of people I know who have eloped — which is currently zero). I’ve been to some really beautiful weddings, and I’ve had a great time. Multiple people chipped in their time to make the experience a memorable one, and that’s how it should be.
I also realize that the decision about wedding-planning vs. elopement is a two-way street. Maybe my future/possible beloved will prefer a ceremony, or his family will be more strongly inclined that way than mine (the cool thing about my family is that I already know they’d be happy with whatever I thought was best for me). But I have to say, if the preference of my Future/Possible Beloved is to have a ceremony, I’d expect him to 1) take on a lion’s share of the planning, or 2) be a very active decision-maker as we did the planning together, or 3) hire someone to take care of the planning for us.
What do you guys think? Would you elope?
Related Reading:
Offbeat Bride is a collection of ideas and tips for funky and, well, “offbeat” ways to get married. It looks like it would be an interesting resource.
Rachel from idispatch4911 had to figure out how to tell her mom and dad about her elopement.
Brooke Parkhurst made an announcement on her blog after she and her husband eloped.
Legally Heidi made her own save-the-date announcements.
Her fiancé didn’t think his first proposal was sufficient, so he got down on his knee once again. What Liz Said appreciates the gesture and loves her ruby engagement ring.
Jen from Operation Pink Herring had a busy Sunday recently when she met with two prospective DJs and two photographers for her upcoming wedding.
16 Comments
we sort of eloped.
I was opening my personal training studio so throwing a big soiree and invited my parents and my then boyfriends parents to town.
in the am we set up the studio.
midday we sprung on em we were getting married at the JP’s (I was in running tights and a sweatshirt).
that night? partyparty.
12 years later Im still so glad we did that.
I tried to get the hubby to elope with me, but he wanted a ceremony. I gave in and we had a small outdoor wedding with family…very relaxed, short and sweet and partied until the wee hours of the morning. I was glad he talked me into it.
~K
Interesting post! My husband and I had a small wedding since we were footing the bill ourselves. I’m like you – I hate the details in a situation like that. I told my (one) bridesmaid to pick whatever dress she liked and thought looked good on her. My mother-in-law got so frustrated with me “Why do we need that??” response that she ended up doing a reception herself. Oh well!
My family would kill me if I didn’t have something….. Though they would be satisfied with the ceremony, open bar and cake.
If I had to do it all over again, I would definitely elope. I would have eloped in the first place too, if given a choice! But being the only daughter in my family, my mom really wanted me to have a traditional wedding that she could invite the whole family too. Like you, I knew I would hate all the planning (and I did), but in the end we had a beautiful wedding and an excuse to see family I don’t normally get to visit.
I would totally elope and probably will depending on the groom. Though I have specific elopement dreams — like eloping to Santa Fe.
I don’t think I’d elope. As much as I like focusing on the celebration, I feel this late in life, I’ve earned the right to the big shin-dig. And I like all that details stuff. I think my parents would be disappointed if I didn’t eventually do something along these lines, although it might save more money in the long run.
Yep, I’d elope! I think a problem that can potentially come from having a big wedding is that it becomes all about that- the wedding and the party. People sometimes forget that there’s a whole marriage to follow. And maybe that’s why so many people divorce…
I am so undecided on this one! I would love to have my family and friends there to see me get married and be there to party with us all night. However, I have never been able to envision my perfect wedding and I would have no idea where to start and what I would actually want. There are way too many choices to be made. I’d get all worked up and stressed out just trying to pick colors. Then I’d worry if I made the right choices up until the wedding was over. Besides all of the choices, I can’t justify spending thousands of dollars for one day that will go by at the speed of light anyway. If I could figure out a way to go inexpensive, low-stress, beautiful and accommodating to our family and friends I would do that. Otherwise, I am totally open to eloping.
A very good friend of mine will be getting married in September. The only problem is that every time she thinks about actually planning the wedding, she freaks out. So, her husband-to-be is happily taking care of all the details. Works out kinda nice, huh?
If I’m ever to get married, it’ll be a quiet thing at city hall with no guests but the necessary witnesses.
I’m like you on the whole planning thing. I’d drive myself up the walls with having to make all those decisions and I would feel bad about spending that much money on a party… Being an adult, I also find that it’s totally my decision if and how I get married. No way would my mother’s opinion matter to me. If she wanted a big party to invite her friends and relatives to, she could arrange another party. Herself.
I’m impressed with you saying that you don’t mind listening to brides-to-be’s stories on their upcoming weddings. I’m battling that one. I’m yet to find a bride-to-be who isn’t complaining about all the work… I don’t think there’s any reason to complain about the amount of work when you yourself decide the limits. But maybe that’s just me…
Well I actually LOVE event planning and details, so if money was no object, the planning of a big wedding would actually be pure fun for me. But of course money is a MAJOR object, so I can see both sides of the coin.
I would be totally okay with an elopement, but I think it would be so hurtful to my close friends & family to leave them out of the celebration. So I think I’ll opt for a fun wedding with a small number of guests when the time comes.
You know someone who eloped (sort of) – me! Well, we didn’t really elope but we didn’t have a wedding either – we got married at the courthouse (in normal courthouse-appropriate clothes) with just immediate family only. Then we all went out a nearby Chinese restaurant for lunch. The entire wedding cost about $200: about $75 for the license and the clerk who performed the ceremony and about $125 for lunch for 13 people.
I want to elope. I just don’t think all that big wedding stuff is for me, it never has and probably never will.
Send me to Vegas, the local courthouse or the beach with just us two and I’d be just as happy.
Absolutely; elope and save the money for scuba diving in Belize. If your friends and family want to participate in your “big day” then you can post the pictures online.
Just living in sin would be fun too, though.
= ) CC
Ah, this post was a wonderful breath of fresh air. Having been engaged for over (eep!) 8 months now, with no wedding plans in sight, I’m sure you can imagine the pressures. I just simply do not (DO. NOT.) want to do the whole big pomp and circumstance ordeal of a wedding. But I want to do… something. Really dug your arm-in-arm on the beach scenario. Feels good not to feel so alone!