(This was an assigned topic, answering the question: “When it comes to past relationships, do you think you’re repeating mistakes or falling into the same old traps?” This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
When it comes to the relationships I’ve been in and people I’ve dated, I think I’ve been pretty good about not repeating past mistakes or falling into the same traps. (Especially when it comes to making sure I maintain my confidence and sense of independence…I know I’ve learned that lesson.) Although some people would say that I tend to go for the same type of guy, I would argue that their backgrounds and personalities have all been very different.
Like most people, I tend to be attracted to certain physical characteristics and attitude. (I can imagine my friends chiming in right here to help me out: Muscular. Fit. Short-to-no hair. Confident.) I’m also accustomed to the jokes about my tendency to date men in uniform. I swear, once you date more than one guy who wears a uniform for a living (fireman, police officer, military officer…), or used to wear one (there’s a fair number of former-military people living in the DC metro area, I’ve found), you never hear the end of it.
But those are just superficial characteristics. When it comes to putting up with certain things in the past that I shouldn’t have put up with, it’s very important to me that I don’t let that happen again. The thing is, though, I try not to think about the bad things if I don’t have to. I’m pretty sure I’d recognize them if they happened again, so I don’t want to dwell on them unnecessarily. I have to give a new person the benefit of the doubt and not assume they’ll be just like someone from my past.
In fact, I’d much rather think about the things I like about myself when I’m in a relationship. For instance, when I’m dating someone, I…
Cook more. When I’m single, I usually don’t make the effort. I know, I know…there’s no good reason for this. It’s just that when I’m not cooking for some-one else, I’d rather be doing some-thing else.
Meet new people. Your partner knows people you don’t know, so you’re automatically widening your sphere of acquaintances.
Explore. Although I get out and see new things when I’m single, having another person make suggestions tends to open new possibilities — especially if they’re interested in things you don’t know anything about, or haven’t yet tried.
I’m less selfish. This is a big one. I’m trying to put this in such a way that it doesn’t make single women look bad, because it really pisses me off when people assume that single gals are selfish. Sure, there are some selfish single women out there, but there have to be just as many selfish married women.
I know I can get wrapped up in the things I want to do. If I don’t feel like going to the grocery store? Fine, I’ll put it off for a few days and just eat cereal for dinner. Unless it’s something I can’t get out of, like work, I generally get to choose the things I want to do and when I want to do them.
While there’s nothing wrong with that, I can definitely tell the difference when there’s someone else in my life — and that’s a good thing. I like the way it makes me feel to help someone else, to pick up something I know they like at the grocery store, to make their day easier by taking care of something they don’t have time to do themselves.
Is there anything you particularly do or don’t like about yourself when you’re in a relationship? Do you feel like you’re repeating the same mistakes?
Related Reading:
PhD Me says she’s in what can only be described as a “not relationship.”
Sarah Elizabeth said that she’s swearing off bad relationship habits; the biggest one that needs some work is communication.
Katy‘s relationship habit is to visit observation towers with her partner in whichever new city they’re in.
5 Comments
My apartment/home tends to be much cleaner when I’m involved in a relationship! :)
I like your spin on this! I’ve also learned a lot from my past relationships, and I totally appreciate what a relationship brings to my life. The increased exploring is definitely my favorite perk — it’s much more fun to visit a new restaurant with a partner than to go by yourself (of course, at the moment, I am in a new coffee shop at about to go eat lunch someplace new — I’m traveling for work today and don’t have enough food in the house to make a sack lunch).
While I had very brief relationships before meeting my husband, I noticed that everytime I was with someone new, I had terrible self-esteem. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough and needed constant reassurance.
Good points. I hadn’t thought about some of those personal “relationship traits”. But come to think of it, they apply to me too. Interesting way to look at it. Hmmm so if I was dating someone more seriously, perhaps I’d be accomplishing my goal to cook more often. Interesting.
I actually think I cook more when single. Weird.