(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a while and you reach the point where you know you have to ask him the question. You know the question I’m talking about. It’s the one you ask when you need to know if — maybe, just maybe — the other person might be in agreement that they don’t want to date anyone other than you. But if you’ve reached the point where you want to ask that question and you’re not sure what the answer will be? Well, now the situation gets a little interesting.
If you’re going to ask the exclusivity-question, you have to be prepared for things to change. Things will either change in a positive way, and the person will agree that you’re fabulous and they don’t want to see anybody else…or, you know. It’ll be the answer you didn’t want. You may even hear nice responses like, “You’re awesome,” and “I think you’re great,” and “I don’t want to stop seeing you.” But in the end, the only answer that really matters is that the other person isn’t ready. You might be great, but you’re not it.
I don’t think it would be an impossibility to continue seeing someone past this point — I’m sure plenty of people do — but it’s bound to be a little different. Some people find that they need to cut off things completely, even if they enjoy spending time with that person. Maybe they like him so much that they can’t stand the thought of sharing him with someone else. They’re most likely thinking that he must not care enough, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to stand to let you walk away.
It’s kind of like you’re offering your feelings on the palm of your hand and your wrist gets slapped. In response, you snap your hand back to the safety of your body and wonder what it will take before you offer it again.
There’s one guy I stopped seeing last year after he asked me if I’d like to stop seeing other people (I turned him down). I felt uncomfortable hanging out with him because I knew he liked me more than I liked him, and I didn’t want him to think I was leading him on. Another guy I went out with a few times and addressed “the question” with, we stopped dating after that but we’ve remained friends and will sometimes hang out on occasion. But really, before you know it, it seems like you’re referring to them as “that guy I used to date last September…or back in November ’08…or the first few months of ’09.”
I’m not going to lie; it sucks sometimes. But when I’m the one asking the question and I get turned down, I understand. It’s okay. As long as I can tell he’s being truthful with me, there’s never any hard feelings. You see, I get it. I get that there’s a hesitancy. I get that there’s always the possibility of someone else — someone better — out there and some people have a hard time giving up that possibility.
I’ve been on the other side, too. The side where the question is asked and the answer isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it just doesn’t seem like the right time to completely end things. That can be a hard spot to put yourself in, though. When you’ve received an answer you didn’t want to hear, sometimes it’s easier to put up that wall and enable your defense mechanism. It can be difficult to separate your feelings from “I want to see only you” to going back to “Okay, I guess I can be content with this. (But that means I’ll start answering all those dating inquiries from other people that I’ve been ignoring.)”
It’s nice having just one person around to do things with, rather than checking your calendar to remind yourself who it is you’re supposed to be hanging out with that day. The thing is, you don’t want someone to say they’re ready for something when they’re not, and you certainly don’t want to do that yourself, either. Sometimes it’s hard; sometimes it sucks; sometimes you’ll feel bad about hurting someone’s feelings. But I guess that’s the way it’s going to be until the question-and-answer are mutually acceptable to both people.
Related Reading:
Hey Pretty recently echoed a sentiment that I wholeheartedly believe in: Just say it. Don’t worry about whether it’s going to hurt my feelings; I just need to know where you stand.
So, dude, as you can tell, it’s been a wacky week and I am sort of tired of drama and mind games. It’s totally fine if this me/you thing never materializes…But as far as the men in DC go, I’ve met many of them and one of two scenarios has played out every time. You’re all getting to be somewhat interchangeable, and the fact is, somebody else will probably come along soon to make me totally miserable. Because that is what tends to happen. You are not special. [...]
So, dude. Whatever. Ask me out or don’t ask me out. No biggie either way.
After reading an article that gave tips for single women (including “getting him to say ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ to exclusivity”) Keysha Whitaker had this advice.
My advice is if you have to have THE TALK, then YOU BETTER WALK!
I think…if you have to sit a guy down to get a clue about what he’s feeling about you, to borrow a word from He’s Just Not That Into YOU…”He’s just not that into you!” [...]
If you have to pin him down to figure out where he wants to go, you need [to] go. Push pedal to the metal on your own life, and let him figure out how to jump in the car when you hit the roundabout. Don’t pull over and ask him to ride shotgun, especially if he’s articulating through his actions (which always speak louder) that he’s got no idea how to read a map or no clue where he wants to go if he did.
An American currently living in Australia, Sarah Clement lists some of the similarities and differences she sees between the two places. One of them is:
Dating rules seem to be different. There is an assumption rather early, after hanging out with someone only a few times, that you are dating exclusively. They don’t have ‘the talk’ to establish exclusivity. At least that’s been the experience of me and my other American friends here.
14 Comments
I pretty much avoid this talk at all costs which has lead to some really awkward situations. But so true; once the talk is had, you have reached the point of no return.
I have this talk with dumbass satan three times — you would think after the first time I would have woken up. GREAT POST
first, even if you are dating someone exclusivity, it’s not like you are going to have only one person to do things with! hopefully you will continue to see your friends and will have to check your calendar to see who you are hanging out with.
second, i totally agree with keysha. “the talk” is stupid. if you are so deeply involved with a person that you want to be exclusive, you should (and probably do if you admit it to yourself) already know how he feels about you. 99% of the time, if you feel inclined to ask someone if you two are dating exclusively, “he/she’s just not that into you.”
i can’t remember ever having this talk with any serious boyfriend, at least not post-high school. i know it never occurred to me to have it with travis, and we didn’t even discuss the fact that we were exclusive at all until several years after we began living together when we mentioned it during an abstract discussion about the merits of monogamy.
the funny thing is that the BF and i didn’t have the talk until way after exclusivity had already been established almost naturally. i just asked him one day, ‘so are we seeing just each other or what?’ even tho i already knew the response. he answered, ‘well, i haven’t been seeing anyone else for several months so it’s just you and me, baby.’
least stressful conversation ever.
Yeah… once I’m there but she’s not, or she’s there but I’m not, it’s too unbalanced to work. We’re no longer two people moving in the same direction.
It’s always been my belief that he’s got to say it first. It’s just a personal thing; or maybe a pride thing… but I just need it to be that way.
Lemmonex:
But don’t you think that not having the conversation, when it needs to be had, leads to even more awkwardness or more misunderstanding and hurt, in the long run? I do. I think people need to be clear with each other about how they look at their relationship.
Zan:
I’m interested in why you don’t think that should be his choice. It’s quite possible for him to be interested in more in the relationship than you are, but still to be happy with backing off when you make your position clear. That’s happened to me more than once, with me on both sides of the situation… and by letting the one who wants more be the one to decide whether less is OK, it allowed us to settle into a mutually acceptable situation that we both continued to enjoy.
I think the most important thing in any relationship is communicating. If you’re both open and clear about what you like, what you don’t like, what you expect, and what the boundaries are, you can work out a lot. And if that leads you to parting ways, you know at least that you’ve been honest with each other.
It is different here… even with the advent of internet dating you seem to be in a relationship before you know it. Something I found difficult when I was younger!
You also are meant to start calling someone your “Partner” very soon after which I struggle with as well!
so, does this mean that we can stop tryin’ to ” hook you up “? lol! i agree with some of the other comments about changing you life. that is the most common thing that happens when you go to ” exclusive ” dating. everyone else turns into an afterthought and you lose that connection to others. not to say that happens everytime but it does sometimes. hey, it sounds like a ” win/win” situation anyways for this mysterious person we are talkin about!! lol!!!
John: Hook me up? When have you and Angela ever tried to hook me up? In the name of being a good future brother-in-law, I demand that you change that immediately.
Unfortunately, at this point, I’m still in need of a hook up. :)
Ughh…this is a dreaded conversation! Actually, mine in the past haven’t been so bad. Normally it just happens when we both know we’re at that point when we want to spend all of our time together that we can. And there’s normally an “I really like you” thrown in there, too – in a good way.
I will say I’m becoming better about developing your attitude with things – it’s NO big deal. Just tell me. Maybe it’s that I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” a few years ago. But seriously. No big deal! Life’s too short to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. :-)
As long as there’s honesty… it can hurt, but it’s still better than lies!
I agree with Barry L. and I enjoyed his comment.
In a relationship when you know you know…you can back off and wait for the other person or you can go away completely if it doesn’t work for you.
John: Ho fo shoooo!!!!!!!
I guess the Swedish dating scene is more similar to the Australian than the North American; we don’t really have “the talk” but assume that exclusivity comes naturally after a couple of dates…