(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
I’m getting older. In just a little over a year, I’ll no longer be in my 20s. As my female friends grow up along with me, and I meet new ladies around my age, it’s inevitable that more and more of these women are starting to have children. While I’m never surprised at their choice and I’m always happy for them, there’s also the knowledge that things will inevitably be different.
I’m not saying that parents don’t have fun, or that they don’t have lives outside of their children. They can hire babysitters (or enlist the help of a family member for free, if they’re lucky) if they want to go out sans baby. But my relationship with a formerly child-free friend never seems quite the same after a child comes along. They might be the same person they were before, but their life has to change to accommodate this new little person (as it should).
The biggest change is simply a shift in priorities. Mothers tend to talk about their kids because it consumes a really big part of their life. Of course we talk about what we know, and what we’re currently thinking and experiencing. The only thing is, while kid-related topics might be interesting to another mother, I can only take so much.
I have a few close friends that I’ve known since childhood who have kids. And don’t get me wrong, these kids are beautiful. There’s blond-haired, blue-eyed Lily. Dark-haired, dark-eyed Natasha. Sometimes they say really cute things that make me laugh. The thing is, while I enjoy spending time with them, none of them live in my immediate area — so it’s easy for me to give them a lot of attention in a short period of time.
I went to a Babies ‘R Us location with my mom and one of my sisters a few years ago. We were shopping for a baby shower gift, and after spending about five minutes in the store (we chose a high chair in record time), I was ready to leave. However, my mom and sister were determined to linger. They decided we needed to add a “cute outfit” to our gift, so they spent the next thirty minutes oohing and ahhing over the racks of baby clothes. I remember being incredibly bored. I just can’t get excited over miniature outfits or choosing the perfect stuffed animal to adorn a crib.
While there’s a possibility I might lose this attitude and decide to have a child later in life, I can also see myself being perfectly content if it never happens. Right now I’m completely disinterested in being responsible for someone who’s completely dependent on me for their well-being. If I happen to be bleary-eyed at work because I only slept for a few hours the night before, it’s because I consciously chose to stay up late — not because I was attempting to soothe a crying baby. The money in my savings account is meant for a future down payment on a house, not a child’s college fund. I can accept happy-hour invitations because I don’t have anyone waiting to be picked up from daycare after work.
Every once in a while when I’m walking down the street, or standing in line at a grocery store, I’ll spot an ultra-adorable kid. I might even get a big smile on my face and say something like, “Awwww, look at him/her!” However, that’s the same reaction I have when I see my sister’s Goldendoodle — and that doesn’t mean I’m about to run out and get a dog. I express my appreciation for the cuteness and then I go on about my business.
I’m certainly not claiming to speak for all single, child-free women. My friend Dana, for instance, is the complete opposite of me. She doesn’t have any kids of her own, but she hangs out with friends who have kids all the time. She buys them presents for birthdays and Christmas, and she volunteers to babysit for free.
I’m not unfeeling or heartless. If a close friend of mine were to get pregnant, I’m sure I’d pat her growing stomach, and help organize a baby shower, and maybe even change a diaper or two if she’s lucky. My friends will always be my friends no matter if they’re single, or married, or divorced; whether they have no kids or five.
I know that it’s okay for me to be happy about my child-free status, and I’m sure there are plenty of women who share my views (and just as many who don’t). Even if I can’t relate, I hope my friends with kids know that I love them and their children — and I’ll be happy to accept an invitation to a random kiddie softball game or ballet recital. I’m just glad that I get to go home by myself at the end of the day.
Related Reading:
Tipsy Nikki says she is Not the Mama! and wonders if there’s a support group for people who don’t want kids.
Carolina Girl wonders if there will be Babies…in my future?
Trish says, “I really don’t want the calls on my time, or the noise, or the mess, or the responsiblity. I don’t want to enter their fantasy worlds or sit through brightly coloured cartoons. I don’t go gooey when I see them on television, or pick up babies and sniff them. I want to go where I want on holiday and watch what I want on television and I get unbelievably pissed off if I don’t get my own way.”
19 Comments
yeah…i have similar views about children..i think they’re great, and i’m sure i’ll love my friends kids and i totally plan on spoiling them, but i appreciate the ability to come home and have time all for myself. of course, this doesn’t stop the rest of society from informing me that one day, i’ll change my mind and will want kids….funny how other people seem to know me better than i know myself :)
You are right – having kids changes everything:) As a mom of 4 little ones I can honestly say I can’t imagine my life without them in it. And yet I’d be lying to say I don’t envy lives like yours sometimes too. It’s all part of the experience. I think the important thing as women is to support each other no matter which avenue we choose.
PS> I make it a point to never talk about my children to my sans-kids friends unless they ask about them, and then I keep it short and sweet.
i do not have kids but i have two cats that i treat as my kids and they are high maintenance enough. :) there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with changing your mind about that later.
I was with a female friend in Target yesterday when we saw a young couple buying baby food. They stood in the baby food isle for a good 20 minutes debating whether they had too much squash or not. The wife walked away and the husband glanced over towards us with this “f**k my life” look on his face.
Yeah, can’t wait to have kids…
I would say about 90% of my female friends have kids. I absolutely adore kids, but I am with you – at the end of the day, I truly love my life as it is. I love freedom, I love making choices, and even being a little selfish.
While I would love to have my own children one day, I am REALLY taking the time to appreciate being selfish right now. Too many of my friends had kids SO young and most are voicing that they regret this. I don’t want to regret that at all…I want to know when one day I am stumbling through the kitchen in the morning, tired from a crying baby, that I had PLENTY of years where I could sleep in, stay up late, and do whatever the hell I wanted. :-)
I feel exactly the same way! My coach’s little girl sometimes hangs around the courts and she is so cute and I think, if I had one, it would be like that. But then I go over my friend Di’s house and her kids are a f*ucking nightmare (pardon my french) They are constantly cranky and whiny and their house is a total disaster and I think, thank GOD I’m not in that situation. I guess it just all depends what you want. And sometimes it is hard to lose friends to the motherhood. You know it’s inevitable, but it’s still sad.
Lets see 6 children the second child….hmmm I sooooooooo understand you.
There’s a big difference b/w those with kids that treat me like I have not honestly experienced life b/c I don’t have kids, and those who treat me the same even after having kids. Kids are a choice, not a necessity to gain insight on life.
I don’t want kids right now. Later on, sure. But even in today’s society, I am bracing for the raised eyebrows over a woman starting a family over the age of 35. Oh well, bring it!
I definitely hear you on this one. I have never felt the slightest desire to have children, and honestly can’t picture a future for myself that involves them. My career path will make motherhood very difficult, I am a little paranoid about passing on various personality defects, the sheer magnitude of responsibility seems overwhelming, I have issues with living up to the example my own fantastic mother set…the list never ends. But overall, I’ve just never had the desire. Like you said, Zan, I guess that could change at some point in the future. As more of my friends have started to reproduce, occasionally there is a pang of thought, wondering what I’ll miss out on…but when I really think about it, I honestly think I will be fine playing the Crazy Dog Lady and “fun aunt” roles for my future nieces/nephews.
Totally just noticed that you’re reading a book I just finished. I loved Washington Schlepped Here. :-)
@ Alison – You are spot on!
I love my two kids, but they are high maintenance and half of the time i’m thinking I can’t wait until they grow up and move out of my house. Lord forgive me but, I especially can’t wait until the pre teen girl is grown and no longer my responsibility.
I almost spit my drink out when I read the part about E’s Goldendoodle. :)
You’re right about me….but I definitely respect everyone’s choices, as children definitely are not for everyone! I started out wanting 6 or 8, but as I’ve gotten older (and spent time with all those kids) I’ve managed to reduce the number to 2. (hehe)
Agreed! Kids are cute and all. At a distance. Not in my house 24/7. :)
I just found out I’m pregnant, and very sincerely hope that my friends, esp the ones who don’t have kids and/or never will, will still be my friends and make the choice to hang out with me. I have never been a wanna-be mommy, but being able to hang out with my friends and their kids over the past two years showed me just how much they appreciated getting out of their mommy world sometimes. It also showed me how much they appreciated me working around their schedules when I could and including their kids.
A couple of my friends are my inspiration, they haven’t lost themselves in motherhood, still fun to hang out with, even though we don’t do late night activities anymore(no more clubbing for me).
I’m happy for my friends who have kids as I know that’s what they want. But I also feel a bit sorry for myself as I know our friendship will never be the same….
I couldn’t have written this better myself! I don’t have the desire or plans to have kids myself, but a lot of my friends are having kids or planning to have them soon. Of course I’m thrilled for them, but I’m also a little sad and scared about what I might lose in the friendship.
Whatever you decide, it’s great to see you putting a lot of thought into it. That’s the most important thing in my mind about having/not having kids. I also feel lucky that we can make the decision ourselves these days.
I guess your emotional equipment is trying to let you know that you’re supposed to be a world-travelling journalist or photographer who can drop everything at a moment’s notice and GO! Nice work if you can get it.
Anyway, you remind me that variety is the spice of life and you always spice up mine a little!