(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
When I read Giulia Melucci’s post about the leftovers we keep from past relationships, I started thinking about my possessions and mentally sorting through the things I own that were given to me by people I’ve dated or been in a relationship with. It’s not a tremendous amount. In fact, I’ve only been in one relationship that I would consider long-term, and it lasted less than a year. Unsurprisingly, though, I still have a number of things that he gave me during that time.
There’s a bottle of perfume in my bathroom cabinet that I haven’t used since we were together. An iPod player (which I have a picture of because it was included in a 26 Things Photo Scavenger Hunt I did last year). A laptop bag. A water bottle with the logo of his workplace stamped on it.
The water bottle seems like the silliest thing to have kept. It has a specific logo on it, so sometimes people will see it and go, “Hey, where did you get that water bottle from [ex's workplace]?” I don’t really need that kind of reminder, but I’m not holding onto it for sentimental reasons. I like the shape, and it works well, and I’m too lazy to spend time looking for another one.
If I wanted to get rid of all of that stuff right now, I could. But what about couples who were together for years before they split up? That would be a lot harder. Not to mention if you have a child together, the ultimate remembrance of another person. My older sister has a son from a relationship that ended over ten years ago — neither she nor my nephew has contact with the father any longer (his choice, not theirs), but I bet she has to think about him a lot more often than I ever do. He was in her life, and he made a contribution to it that’s huge and will never go away. She just can’t get rid of the memory as easily as donating a truckload of possessions to Goodwill.
Giulia wrote her post in the context of food she’s made (in this case, she’d found a container of sauce in her freezer that was originally meant to be made into a dish for someone). But you know what? There doesn’t have to be any physical leftovers of a dish for it to remind you of someone in your past. What if, with one guy, you ate a number of things that you’d never had before you were together? King crab legs. Chicken wings that left a sticky mess all over your hands. What happens the next time you go to eat those things? You might not relate those things to him for the rest of your life, but the memory will last at least a little while.
What happens when you put together a recipe, after not having done so in a while, and realize the last time you made it was when you made dinner for a certain guy? Or when you remember that you just bought a mini muffin pan because you wanted to make someone his favorite brownie bites (that he normally buys in the grocery store), but you never got around to actually doing it because your time together ended before you had a chance?
Instead of food in particular, think about destinations. What about all the places you went with someone, from exotic vacations, to historical landmarks, to something as simple as restaurants in the city where you live? Since I live, work, and date in the Washington, DC area, I would say that I definitely tie restaurants to certain people. An Ethiopian restaurant in Georgetown (which was also the first time I’d had Ethiopian food in my life)? I ate there with R-. A Chinese restaurant on U Street? P- took me there. And J. Paul’s? I shared a raw seafood platter with J-, and we both discovered that we dislike uncooked clams.
There was a time I purposefully took a long look around someone’s apartment because I knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t be back. I can still see that room in my mind. And like a lot of people, there are certain songs I avoid listening to.
That’s why I haven’t bothered to get rid of the water bottle. Memories are the real leftovers.
Related Reading:
Hayden Tompkins: How to Let Go of A Relationship
Swartzie at Sarah’s Daily Dramatics came across a memory box from her ex-boyfriend while cleaning out her closet. She says, “After a long debate with my conscience, I decided it would be best to throw all of it away. I shouldn’t dwell on my crappy dating past, and even crappier ex’s. I have a wonderful man right now who is all that matters. I still am baffled why us women/girls keep things like that.”
Kristi Gustafson: Holding on, and letting go, of memories
12 Comments
As a person who cooks on the regular, far too many dishes remind me of exes. Luckily, only a few have been truly worries. Not even the worst man can spoil my raspberry-chocolate torte.
wow..yes, memories are the leftovers and oh so much harder to get rid of, but with time-at least the pain subsides.
~K
There are things that occassionally remind me of one of my exes even though it’s been 10 years since I’ve been in a realtionship with anyone other than my husband. I will say that while time mitigates those feelings, they still never entirely cease. I try and use the opportunity to reflect on what I’ve learned…
You know, I was actually about to write about something similar today. I probably still will. This was a great post.
I like keeping things like these… sometimes it’s only uncomfortable initially, and I’m thankful I still have the traces. Usually you reach a point where you can see the positive in a relationship, and then I’m thankful I didn’t go on a purging spree. You’re right though. There are some things you can’t get rid of. Songs on my iPod are definitely one of those. I guess you could take them out of rotation, but I kind of like remembering where I’ve been. Reminds you of how you got to where you are today.
I have a box full of letters from my first boyfriend, and I save it for some inexplicable reason. It’s at my parents’ house, so at least I don’t move it with me everywhere. But, somehow, I can’t quite get rid of it.
One thing I often do is try to replace bad memories with good ones. I have been known to take new boyfriends to places I went with old ones in order to recreate new and more pleasant memories. Seems to work well for me.
Songs are the absolute WORST for me. I LOVE music. And if I’m dating someone and we’re having a blast in the car when a certain song comes on, or a song that I love is popular while we’re dating, it’s a constant flashback to me whenever I hear those songs.
Thankfully I just take long breaks from them and have recently learned to love that music again, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bring back some of those old feelings.
I have intentionally purged everything from all past relationships in a petulant attempt to make the other person feel like a jackass. Of course, this doesn’t account for restaurants, street corners, movies, songs, etc. Those things just kind of get pushed out of the mind until they become memories with other people. In fact, recently I’ve been making an effort to go to places that remind me of my ex with new people so that I can erase him from them. It’s working.
I don’t believe in eliminating good people from my life. So for the relationships that have ended amicably, there’s a box in the attic.
Agreed with fB. As long as I wasn’t literally glad to see them go, I probably held on to the pictures… otherwise? Hello, Mr. Trash Can.
Small amusement: I have “memorable” objects tied to some of my close relations of the past (a memo pad, framed photo, hand-made hat band?) that are older than you are. Time flies. Some of them are treasues, others just “stuff”, depending on who it came from.
When the breakup hurt too much and I absolutely could not bear the memories, then I got rid of the mementos. But otherwise, sometimes it’s nice, if occasionally hard, to have a physical reminder.