(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
There’s something I don’t admit very often (in fact, maybe I’ve never admitted it before). The thing is, there’s one thing in particular that I miss about being skinny. When I say “skinny,” I mean the way I looked when I was underweight, about 25 pounds ago. I know I’m not supposed to say that I miss anything about that time period, because I’m supposed to love my new, improved, healthy shape. And most of the time, for the most part, I do.
However, I’ve also accepted the fact that certain thoughts and habits aren’t ever going to go away completely. One of the big things that can make me feel insecure is being unable to wear most of my old clothes. And this is where the whole “I miss being skinny” mentality can sometimes come back to rear its ugly head. Because, see, when you’re skinny, it’s really easy to find and wear pretty much whatever you want.
When you have jutting hipbones, and a concave stomach, and no ass — pretty much everything fits. There are no bulges or rolls of extra skin to deal with. I tend to think about this when my waistband starts to feel tight, or that time I finally gave away a stack of pants that I could no longer button. I wasn’t planning to ever be small enough to button them again — nor did I want to — but for some reason I’d been continuing to hold on to them.
I realize this is an extremely self-centered reason for wanting to look a certain way. It’s not like I look bad in the clothes I’m currently wearing; it just takes more effort because there are styles that look good on me and some that don’t. (Which kinda makes you understand why clothing designers say it’s “easier” to make clothes to fit a stick-woman.)
Here’s what makes me come back to reality on a relatively quick basis: remembering the bad times. How I felt perpetually lethargic and unhappy. Obsessed over everything I ate (or didn’t eat). Missed out on meeting new people, and going to new places, or even hanging out with people I already knew, because it was easier to stay in my safe, insulated world. For example, I preferred going to restaurants that offered calorie-counts on their websites so I could plan in advance what I was going to eat. (Yeah, I was a lot of fun back then…)
Here’s something else: even though it was my choice not to date back then, it’s not like men were beating down my door to get to me. I would hear that guys prefer women who aren’t stick-thin, but I would still think to myself, “Surely that isn’t the case. If I was interested in somebody, they’d like the way I look.” Well, once I stopped looking like a Starving Person, my hypothesis changed to “guys like to have something to hold on to.”
(I majored in sociology in college, so there’s a part of me that thinks this hypothesis would make an interesting social experiment: what would happen if I made another online dating profile, using only my skinny-pics, and the exact same description of myself that I have right now? What would happen to the quality and/or quantity of my responses?)
Sometimes something will come up in conversation to remind me of that time in my life, and on a few occasions I’ve pulled up a particular photo from my Flickr account to illustrate my point. Nobody seems to believe me right away when I tell them I used to weigh 25 pounds less than I do now, but they do when they see some before-and-after pics:
The first was taken in June 2002 at the Hoover Dam; the second (I’m on the right, in the tank top) was taken in August 2008 — immediately after a strip aerobics class.
I look horrible in the first photo, and that’s exactly why I show it. The reactions are always the same: “Ew!” and “Wow!” and “You look so different!” and “You look so much better now.” People always say that, and I appreciate it. Even though I know it in my head, I need to hear it.
I no longer own those jeans I was wearing back in 2002. They wouldn’t fit me. I still have the shirt, but I haven’t worn it in quite a while — I can get it on, but it’s more snug, and I prefer longer shirts now.
Will I ever stop comparing my body to the clothes I can put on and how I look in them? Hopefully. But if that’s the only thing I miss about being skinny, I could be doing much worse.
Related Reading:
Sally McGraw at Already Pretty has a great post about using clothes to work with your body. She firmly believes there’s no reason you can’t look great, even if you don’t love how you look naked.
Elana Sztokman wrote an interesting post about Orthodox Women, Passover, and Body Image.
Despite the difficulties of being a “short/petite person,” Speed Reader decided that “Today I’m going to love my jeans and the way I feel in them. For me, good-fitting clothes is half the battle (or more!) in being happy with my body.”
25 Comments
amazing post zan. I really appreciate your honesty. the fact that you share that there is one thing that you miss (and yes I do need to chime in on the DANG YOU LOOK SO MUCH BETTER NOW!) about being underweight.
The second to last sentence? I dare say yes.
youre on your way and, as with all good things, it took me workandtimeandaging as well.
Thanks for this post, Zandria. It made me think…
I used to be skinny. When I graduated from high school at almost 19yrs old, I carried 63kilos to my 182cm (140lbs to 6′). That was all natural skinny though as I ate like a horse. Since then I’ve put on weight and I’ve gone “soft and puffy” around the waist and hips.
Clothes shopping is tough as I find I can’t use the same kind of clothes anymore… I often take clothes that are too small for me and then stand there looking biiiig and slooooppy in the dressing room. I wonder why my brain can’t get the fact that I’m not the skinny girl anymore.
Great post! I can totally relate to your feelings as I have them myself. Confession: I still have my skinniest skinny jeans. Just one pair. I haven’t been able to fit in them for years. But when I’m feeling esp. down, I do look at them and miss being able to wear stuff like that. My therapist keeps bugging me to get rid of them – and I know she’s right. Good for you for liking yourself healthy! You look beautiful!!
Zan, this is so SO me! A couple summers ago I was sick from eating soy (which I was unknowingly allergic to) and very underweight. I couldn’t hold on to muscle so I was just skin and bones, but I thought I looked great! Now that I’m not eating soy, and eating healthier, I have put on weight. I’m not much bigger than I used to be- and wear most of the same clothes- but when I put on jeans that used to be loose then and are now super tight, I cringe. My friends and family say I was “too skinny” or “fragile” looking then.. but I look back on pictures and think… sigh. When you’re in that mental state, hearing “unhealthy” becomes a compliment. It means you’ve acheived your goal.
You are amazing…you have an email coming….
Hi Zandria,
There’s a lot of truth in here – and I appreciate hearing that. Even when we’re in better shape (mentally or physically) – we can still beat ourselves up. We can silently do this, and let it eat away at us. Saying it out loud – gives others that belief that they’re not alone. So, thank you, Zandria, for writing this.
And I’ll agree with both you and MizFit – you look so much better today, much stronger and fitter than the earlier picture.
interesting, you are one of the few people who knows what satan said to me that hurt me pretty bad, he would have preferred underweight zan most likely. You look awesome now – much stronger!
As someone currently in the process of building up after years of maintaining a dangerously low weight, I can’t tell you how much I admire the fact that you’ve been able to retake control and regain health. Everyone will tell you that you look so much better, and they assume that if you look healthy on the outside, everything is rainbows and daisies on the inside as well. Even when you know you’re healthy, it’s hard to escape that little twinge as more and more favorite clothing items become unwearable. Too bad we’re not closer, we could have a clothes burning party or something. :)
I do have to argue one point, though. It’s not that easy to find clothing that looks good when you’re underweight. I can’t tell you how many shopping trips have ended in tears because although I was never skinny enough for my own standards, I couldn’t find many outfits (jeans, especially) that could make my sickly figure look very human. It’s hard to find sexy outfits if you don’t have boobs or a butt to put in them. But I do see your point, that we live in a culture that idealizes and idolizes adolescent sizes on mature bodies, which is insane.
I think you’re beautiful on the outside, but even moreso on the inside, as cliche as I know that sounds. I think you’re brave for sharing your struggle. Just keep reminding yourself of how it *feels* to have energy, to be able to go enjoy strip aerobics without feeling sapped and exhausted, to not be saddled by numbers all the time. You deserve absolute than health and freedom, don’t let yourself settle for anything less!
What I think is ironic about this post is that you talk about how “easy” it was to find clothes that fit in your days of skinny self-deprivation, but look how baggy your clothes are in photo #1!
Photo #2 shows you in form fitting workout gear obviously proud of your body.
I think that difference really says it all.
oh, I can so relate to this post. No matter how many people tell me that I look so much better now, I still miss my skinny clothes (and that skinny feeling).
I’ve kept my skinny clothes, although I really should get rid of them.
Have you been back to strip aerobics? (and also, where did Jen go?)
Blast from the past! I think I had just found out I was pregnant in that picture. Speaking of pregnant, trying to lose the last 10 lbs of the baby weight has me in a similar place. I try on my old clothes and can’t imagine ever fitting into them again, and I can’t help but beat myself up a little bit. And looking back at the clothes from my super skinny days? Yeah. That puts me in a dark, dark mood.
I don’t know if we’ll ever stop making the comparison, but we HAVE stopped engaging in those unhealthy behaviors, and that’s the most important thing.
Great post!
I feel like I’m reading something I have written myself! I can relate on so many levels.
What scares me most is when I look at pictures of “scary skinny” me – I know in my HEAD I look horrible. Yet, sometimes I miss it. I know that is incredibly messed up. Like you, I force myself to remember how dark that time was for me…and how I was in such shock that I was NOT instantly happy from being so thin. (thanks, society). :-)
I second the others’ opinions. You not only LOOK so much better in the 2nd pic, your body language screams confidence!
You really do look better now, actually you look like you are in perfect shape right now! I also agree that you do look more confident in the 2nd picture as well…
you look great, but more importantly you feel great now! It may always be a struggle with you, but you know that path does not work.
For what it’s worth, I think you look absolutely beautiful in both pictures, but I will agree that in addition to looking not only more healthy, you look more ‘alive’ in the second photo and much more attuned to your life/energy. (That sounds so new-agey corny; I hope you understood what I meant!) =-)
There are a couple of women who come into the Bookstore from time to time who literally look like a skeleton someone wrapped in skin. It’s really not an attractive look, and you do look considerably healthier (and happier).
Thanks to an eating disorder and a bartender’s life (nose candy), I was there too. People die when I tell them I was 20 pounds lighter.
I KNOW I look better now. I do.
But I miss more than just how easy clothes fit.
It just really blows that we can never, ever be happy about our bodies. I know I am happier in a lot of ways than I was back when I was heavy, but sometimes…I have never felt fatter.
If you were sitting next to me right now I’d give you a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE hug because good grief do I understand this. All too well.
All. Too. Well.
I can relate to this so deeply.
In the last 4 years I’ve gained around 25 pounds, and before that I weighed 97. So I was “skinny” and I loved my body the way it was.
Now people are telling me I look so good, I look healthy, I look better than I ever did, and it makes me feel self conscious. What do they mean by healthy? Are they saying I’m fat? It’s hard to take that kind of comment positively when none of my pants fit me anymore, when I have bulges in places I never had them before.
I’m still at a stage where some of the time I think I look pretty good, and that I’d never want to lose this weight. But other times, more often than I’d like, I find myself debating whether or not I need to shed some pounds to feel good about myself. It’s still hard for me.
You look wonderful now! It is unfortunate that pretty much all women do not like how they look and weight plays a huge role. I of course am not free of it. I find I have to constantly remind myself to look at the whole body rather than bits and pieces I don’t like. I hope to get to a day where I don’t scrutinize. Thanks for sharing your story.
you still look skinny to me. i think “skinny” is just warped now.. but your after picture should still be considered skinny because well, you’re definitely not fat. you look great :)
You look amazing. I find myself thinking the same thing over and over again. I used to be a size 3 all through high school and most of college and then, out of nowhere, I gained 30 lbs and I have not been able to lose them. Most days I feel okay, I can look at the mirror and say “i look hot” but other days, I just can even get myself to look in the mirror. I hate what I see. Thanks for sharing this very personal experience.
Thanks for sharing your experience! While I don’t struggle with the same things you do, I completely understand the feeling of not being able to fit into old clothes. Having 2 kids and just aging in general has made my body change in weird ways which makes my clothes not fit anymore … or at least not as well as they used to. For me, it’s best to throw out the old favorite jeans that no longer fit and are just depressing every time I try to put them on and then go out and buy a totally killer new pair that shows off my new shape.
We’d certainly still love that Zandria, but we might have to worry more about her! Good luck with your medication and/or diet.