(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
I’ve written a lot of posts about being single, and dating, and many related thoughts in-between. Lately I’ve been thinking about marriage — but not because it’s suddenly on my personal radar. I just think it’s interesting that, rather than becoming pro-marriage as I get older (and subsequently closer to a “marrying age”), my long-standing views on the subject just become more reinforced in my mind.
The first time I remember thinking about marriage vs. simply being in a committed relationship was back when I was a teenager. That’s when my parents got divorced. I’m not saying that their divorce turned me off towards marriage, but it’s the first time that anyone’s marriage had ever impacted me personally. Since then, I’ve seen examples of all kinds of relationships — quite simply, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And honestly, it doesn’t seem all that appealing.
A few things that come to mind when I think about marriage:
It’s not on my list of life-goals. Getting married has never been something that I’ve felt like I have to do. This probably ties into the fact that I’m also completely happy being childfree. I do know that if I ever have a child, it will be quite a few years in the future. And since I’m not looking to be a mom, I don’t feel like I’m in any rush to “find a dad.” That being said, marriage not being on my list of life-goals doesn’t mean that I have to stay single. It’s just that —
I want to be with someone who’s with me because they want to be, not because they feel like they have to be. When two unmarried people live together, they’re making the choice to be together every day. They’re not staying together just because they happened to make a vow at some point (that 50% of people who get married end up breaking anyway). I don’t want someone to feel like they have to stay with me if they’d rather not be there.
Marriage means different things to different people. For instance, my younger sister is getting married this fall. She very much wants to do this and I think it’s awesome that she’s doing so, but when I look at her getting married, I see that she’s acknowledging that for her foreseeable future, she knows this will be her life. Barring any major problems, I’m sure she can easily see herself with this guy (who I like very much, I might add) ten years from now and beyond.
They already own a house. They’re talking about having kids, one boy and one girl. It’s great for them, but it just seems foreign to me. I can’t picture that life for myself. At least not anytime soon.
Sometimes people don’t believe me when I say that. My family? Yes, they’ve always believed me because they know me. They know this is how I am, and they know the way I think, and they’ve always been supportive of me no matter what I choose to do. However, when it’s come up in conversation with a guy, I’ve had more than one of them — really, a majority of them — look at me like they don’t believe me when I say that marriage and children are far from being forefront in my mind. They usually respond by saying that any woman who feels that way now is surely going to change her mind at any minute. So inwardly I roll my eyes and think to myself, “Fine. I guess I’ll just have to prove it to you then. Let’s see where I am in five years.”
I realize that many women don’t feel this way, and that’s fine. I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind. You should do what’s right for you, and so will I. It’s not like I think that being married would hold me back or keep me from doing things in life that I want to do. I realize that if you find the right person, you do things together and you’re supposed to be mutually supportive. I just know that I could be just as happy having that kind of relationship with someone I wasn’t married to.
I can see myself being one of those couples who laugh when people ask them when they’re getting married. Like, “Oh, hahahahaha…why would we want to do that?” And then we’ll go on our merry way, knowing that we’re together because we want to be.
It’s not like I’m declaring that I’ll never get married — if I do end up changing my mind one day, I’m sure I’ll have a good reason for doing so. It’s just that if I don’t, I won’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything. I’ll choose commitment and honesty over vows any day.
Related Reading:
Your Tango: Dan Eldridge says asks, Is Traditional Marriage On Its Last Legs?
[F]or as long as I can remember, I’ve had a philosophical aversion to the concept of traditional marriage. It has always seemed so wrongheaded to me.
But when I think about the way my mind worked 15 years ago, back when I was still in high school and not yet on anti-anxiety meds, I realize that it probably wasn’t so much the actual concept of marriage itself that rubbed me the wrong way. Rather, it was the style in which so many American couples practice their marriages: with constant arguments, with disdain and loathing, and with cheating and lies.
And do you know what? I’m now smack-dab in my mid-thirties, and I still feel exactly the same way.
I really enjoyed this post that Nordette wrote last year on BlogHer: Are You Marriage Material? Er, Do You Want to Be?
I enjoy the freedom of only concerning myself with what my children and elderly parents need and what I need or want. I hated the pressure of being expected to conform to what my former spouse or society believes makes a “good” wife. Neither have I found myself since my divorce thinking I’d do this or go there if only I had a husband or boyfriend. When I try to imagine being married, I shudder, true, but I don’t think it’s about fear of marriage but aversion.
Bella DePaulo: Marriage Does Not Lower Blood Pressure — Reading Matrimaniacal Media Accounts Raises It
When singles are stigmatized, there is a risk that some people will be tempted to couple and marry for the wrong reasons — to escape the cultural muck that comes with being single. When singles are no longer marginalized or demeaned, then people who want to couple can do so from a position of strength. Rather than running away from singlehood to escape the stigma, they can move toward marriage or coupling as something they want to embrace.
Leeat Granek, PhD tells us Why Being Single Doesn’t Suck. She wonders why people want to see her in a relationship when “many of my married friends talk about how hard their relationships are and how they wish they could get a break from the kids.”
The first thing my girlfriends ask when I speak to them is if I’m dating anyone new. [...] I suppose the wish to be like everyone else, or alternatively, to have everyone else be like you is natural. We are relational beings and are constantly striving to build connection through our sameness in anyway we can. We want to justify our own choices by having them mirrored in everyone else around us. But just because this inclination exists, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right.
The Stimulist: RELAX: Your Kids Will Never Get Married
Weiss wonders whether the next generation will be more “creative” about marriage, and that’s the word that comes to our minds, as well. Will people keep getting hitched? Of course. But the number will continue to drop, and not simply because marriage is having an image crisis. Over the next two decades, couples will create new relationship models for others to follow, models that fit their lives rather than the other way around.
I’ve previous written about whether I’d keep or change my last name if I got married, and discussed eloping as an alternative to a big wedding.
10 Comments
When my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me, everyone asked me, “well did you try and talk to him and try and make it work?” My response was, “why would I want to convince someone that they should be with me?” After 5 years, if he wasn’t sure of that himself, than good riddance.
And I have many friends who, after their divorce tell me that the only reason they married so and so was because it seemed everyone else was doing it. No thanks!
Oh, Zan we are cosmic twins.
I actually was thinking about this over the weekend. I think if I was to allow myself to be “wedding” hungry – I’d have been married a long time ago. I don’t subscribe to the notion that “if you like it – you betta put a ring on it” mentality and I am not sure I will.
Have I thought about being married? Sure, have I ever planned it out? HELL NO. My parents marriage was horrendous, my extended families (both sides) had first, second marriages that either ended horribly or are just severely dysfunctional. This is what I grew up around and I am not sure I want to involve myself in it. Granted, you don’t have to repeat your parents mistakes but I was never the girl who planned out her wedding OR put this great weight on if I don’t get married I’m less of a woman.
I actually want to be a mother more than a wife and I’m definitely not rushing towards motherhood any time soon! I believe that there is so much more to life and do I want to share my life with someone, I do; does that mean we have to get it sanctioned by the court or throw a lot of money at a ceremony of one day? No. Anyone that knows me that if I ever choose to get married, I’ll do it in at the court house in jeans – if that – I think I worry more about living my life fully surrounded by goodness and good people than whether I end up eventually married.
I think being a black female, a lot of times it’s looked as “bad” in our community if you aren’t hitched by a certain time. Like there is something wrong with you OR that you are broken in some way. Even still, that’s a WHOLE other post for another day but I agree with you. If marriage happens for me, cool if it doesn’t and we’re just together and HAPPY and COMMITTED, I’d be just as content. :) Hell, if I end up single and loving life, I’d be fine with that too. :)
I think about this sometimes but at my age now I have decided why get married? I am not against it but as you said I want to get married for the right reason and I am just not in that place right now. I think couples that do are really lucky they know what they want and go for it.
Mara
http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/
The idea of a traditional marriage really appeals to me. I want to be a mother and a wife, it’s what I crave.
I’ve found Mr. Perfect-For-Me, and when he gets back from Iraq we’re going to live that life. I don’t expect it to be all rainbows and sunshine, I know I’m stubborn and more stubborn but so does he and he knows how to ‘handle me’.
So yeah, it is different for everyone, this view of marriage. I wasn’t one of those girls growing up that dreamed of getting married and having kids. In fact, it was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn’t play wedding with Barbie and GI Joe (I didn’t have a Ken doll…), or House, or anything like that. I played in the dirt. I’ve learned to be independent. And now that I’m a big girl and I’ve seen the world, I’ve learned that what I never dreamed of having is really all I want. It’s not for everyone, but it’s for me.
I am married, and even though we have a legal, contractual relationship I never doubt that we choose to be together.
I really like what my uncle said last time I talked with him — he married my aunt not because she needed him but because she wanted to be with him. He wanted to marry someone self-sufficient. Two reasons:
(1) because then it is always a choice and
(2) if something should happen to him, she wouldn’t have to rush right out to marry someone else that could provide for the kids.
I think that sounds nice. I personally want to get married someday, but I’m not in a rush. It’s just that I’ve made the decision to have kids (married or not), and I’d prefer to do so with a committed partner. Doing the legal bit of marriage just makes life easier.
I have similar views about marriage. Quite frankly, the divorce rates and all that kinda turn me off marriage. It seems like it doesn’t have as much meaning as it ought to for a lot of marriages.
Do you know what the breakup rates are for marriages versus co-habitation? I don’t, but I’d be interested to know.
I chose marriage over cohabitation in part because I think it’s inevitable that you will have big fights with your partner. They should not be frequent, but I believe they happen regardless of compatibility and level of happiness in the relationship. And I also believe that it’s good for my personal development to resolve those fights and continue life together. Marriage helps me because it provides an additional level of incentive to work through those fights/issues and to grow as a person (and couple) as a result. Other people might not feel like they need a legal marriage to have this level of commitment in a relationship (and I was committed to resolving issues before we were engaged or married). I can’t think of any long-term couple, married or not, who were happy to be with each other every minute of every day.
I also think it’s important to think of divorce as a possible but unlikely scenario (kind of like being in a car crash). There are some situations that I would not stick around to work through, like addiction, crimes, or most infidelity situations.
I’ve always been *that girl*…the one who thought she’d get married at 22 and have babies at 23. Ha!
I will say that I’ve finally accepted this is okay it’s not worked out that way…but what surprises me (scares me?) is how my views on marriage have changed.
I want kids, that much I know, but to hear my friends CONstantly complain about their husbands (usually it’s the ones who have children, just an observation)? It really turns me off to the whole idea! I’m not saying I don’t want to get married…I’m just saying the guy better be pretty darn perfect (in my eyes).
For a long time, I didn’t want to get married. Then, I wanted to get married but never thought I actually would. Then, many many years ago, when I was 39, I met the love of my life and we got hitched! ;) The moral of the story – you’ll figure it out when you get there.