(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
On July 4th, I did something that I haven’t done in quite a long time. I was upset because of a conversation I was having with someone, and I had this feeling come over me that I had to leave the situation right that second. I didn’t want to talk; I didn’t want to work things out; I needed to leave. So I did.
It wasn’t really as dramatic as it sounds. I actually had a great Independence Day — drinks, fireworks, a roof-deck party in DC that had a view for miles. But this is what started it all: recently I’ve been hanging out with this guy that I wrote about back in April. I try not to have any expectations of us being anything more than friends, but sometimes I slip-up.
When I say that I slip-up, I mean — well, obviously, it’s hard to turn your feelings off completely. I care about him, and I’d rather be his friend than not have any contact with him at all. I know he likes me, and he’s being very careful not to do anything wrong or hurt my feelings. But even though we’re “just friends,” sometimes things will happen — like we’ll have a two-hour late-night phone conversation, or he’ll invite me to a picnic with his work friends and I get all messed-up in the head because I like playing the role of his girlfriend.
So on July 4th, quite a few drinks in, someone I’d just met that night asked about me and my friend’s relationship status. I gave him my stock answer: J- and I used to date, and now we’re friends. He probed further…why was that? Long story short, J- ended up getting involved in the conversation; he reiterated our just-friends status; I decided I was a little bit sad and offended; I then decided it was time to leave. J- was ready to go, too. He started saying goodbye to people, I headed down the stairs. He was still inside, I was leaving.
That’s where the whole “I needed to leave, so I did” comes in. I just wanted to be…somewhere else. Anywhere else. I didn’t want to talk to J-. I wanted to be by myself. The only problem was, I’d never been to this particular area before that night, so I was heading down an unfamiliar street, alone, with no idea where I was going. I did know there was a Metro station somewhere close, so I figured if I walked in the general direction where I thought it was located, I was bound to come across it.
When I heard J- calling my name, I stopped. I was at least a block ahead of him. If I’d known where I was, there’s a good chance I would have kept going and given him my location later. But I’m not careless, and I didn’t want to be wandering around by myself in the dark. I waited for him to catch up, we walked to the Metro together, and we rode mostly in silence.
Stalking off by myself in the dark probably isn’t all that dramatic (at least not in comparison to what it could have been like). But for me to do something like that is very rare. I’m usually pretty even-tempered; I’m the one who calms other people down when emotions flare.
The thing is, I don’t like fighting. I’ll do pretty much anything I can to avoid it. That’s where the “flight” response came from that night when I was upset. I didn’t walk away because I was trying to be dramatic, and it wasn’t because I was trying to test J- to see if he would chase me down. I’ve just seen too many situations where people raise their voices when they’re upset, and they say things when they’re angry or hurt that they wouldn’t have said otherwise (especially when alcohol is involved). That’s what I didn’t want, and that’s what I was trying to avoid.
And, in the end, that’s what I did avoid. We didn’t talk about it right away, but we talked about it a short time later. All I needed was some time to calm down, and by then I had. We even joked about the fact that — after knowing each other for over six months — we’d just had our first drama-episode. We agreed that we didn’t want it to happen again. We’ve spoken several times in the past week since it happened, and everything seems to be back to normal.
I don’t like getting to the point where I have to separate myself from a situation I’m in. But I don’t apologize for it — whatever the conflict is, it will certainly be addressed at some point. By waiting until I know that I’m ready for the conversation to take place, I know that I’ll be in a better frame of mind and the resolution will be reached much more quickly and easily.
What’s your method of resolving conflict? Do you insist on hashing it out right away or waiting until you’re a little more calm?
Related Reading:
Restaurant Gal discusses the pros and cons of using text messages to communicate with someone you’re dating.
Maria of Frazzled New Mom says she hates to fight, but finds it happening more often with her husband since they’re sleep-deprived and stressed.
The blogger at Bilingual Baby refused to take sides when a woman tried to involve her in a disagreement between her and her boyfriend.
10 Comments
Growing up, my sisters and I always dealt with conflict the same way: we would sulk up to our bedrooms, hang out and let time pass, then act like nothing happened. Oh, and we bottled the incident down, so that it was sure to come up at a later point. Healthy, huh?
Thankfully we’ve since learned this is not the best way to handle things. While I dread confrontation like the plague, I’ve realized that if I “stuff it down” and ignore it, it will only get worse.
It really also depends on how close I am with the person. If it’s a co-worker, I probably won’t confront them about something minor. But I do with close family and friends. I just try to do it without sulking now.
I’m probably a lot like you. I walk away and process things, but I also get very quiet about it and since I have no poker face, people wonder what is wrong with me. Then I usually work it out in a calm matter. There are some times I wish I could just say what I wanted to say in the moment, but I don’t want to live with regrets that I might hurt someone. I don’t know. Who is to say which is better.
I’m pretty calm in general but can get really passive-aggressive. Something I’m working on!
I don’t like conflict if it involves raised voices, cheap shots, insults and the like. But that’s not my initial style of managing disagreements, so I don’t really shy away from conflict as long as both parties handle it like civil adults.
If something is bothering me, I try to bring it up in a quiet, non-confrontational manner and hopefully it can all be hashed out without having a fight. That doesn’t bother me or stress me out particularly. But if one of these conversations morphs into a fight where emotions get heated and voices get raised, I often get the urge to leave, and sometimes I do just that and come back to the conversation when I’ve calmed down.
I am very good at the silent treatment and will talk when I have calmed down. Hashing it out in the middle of something upsetting or angering is not my way of dealing with stuff. I definitely like to have time to think things through because I tend to overreact about things.
Yeah, this is a tough one – I think how someone handles it shows how well she/he’s in tune with hers/hiself. (frickin’ pronouns – feel free to edit my grammar..)
This took me a long time to figure out because I take EVERYTHING personally. But I sit on it, go through the emotions that are rational or irrational, and then once that’s over I talk it out until I can figure out the heart of it and then let it go or approach the issue directly.
I don’t think your flight mechanism is destructive by any means. At least you know what you’re doing. And I hope you and J-dude work it out!
I think conflict is such a natural reation. My first instinct is to react and CHARGE full force to resolve it. I hate letting things go – even if they need to be. I’m working on this and know it will always be a struggle for me.
Sometimes, I just want to resolve things right away because it makes me feel better to know it’s done and resolved. But other times… when things get too heated… I know it’s better to just let it go for a bit first – but it’s hard for me to do that!
That can happen Zan. I’m sorry you felt that way! Hugs!
I’ve often said that I don’t have a “flight or fight” instinct — my “flight” is broken and I only have “fight.” Surprisingly, that doesn’t result in as much conflict as you’d think it would. I’m pretty good at resolving or avoiding conflict before it gets to that point.
But this story isn’t about conflict. J said exactly what you had both agreed to be the truth = no conflict. Nonetheless you felt hurt. I don’t mean this in a rude way, but that’s not conflict that’s drama, pure and simple. When you clash with others, that’s conflict. When your feelings are conflicting with reality — that’s drama.
I know you’ve said you don’t do drama, but it’s pretty much inevitable in this situation you have put yourself in. Personally I wouldn’t do it. If it hurts me to hear a “friend” saying we are just friends, I’m realizing that this is a person I can’t be just friends with. I’ve seen how these things go and it’s never worth it. The BEST case scenario is ongoing drama, and I don’t do drama. For reals yo.