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(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I’m not exactly sure why this is, but I like to read about what people consider to be deal breakers — you know, when you meet someone new and you’re trying to decide whether you want to continue seeing each other. Deal breakers are a lot different from our preferences, those qualities we look for (or are attracted to) in people on a recurring basis. We tend to know what our preferences are, while sometimes you don’t know that you consider something to be a deal breaker until it actually comes up.

Our deal breakers can be serious, but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes a deal breaker can be something annoying, like someone who chews with their mouth open or has abnormally long fingernails — in other words, an exhibited behavior that makes it easy for someone to write you off without getting to know you better. While this may sound a little unfair, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m sure we’ve all done it at some point in time.

The biggest reason I enjoy reading about deal breakers? It’s interesting to see what people consider so heinous that they immediately don’t want to see someone anymore. Sometimes when I look at these lists, I think to myself, “Yeah, okay, that makes sense. I can see why that behavior would annoy you or turn you off.” But often, other people’s deal breakers aren’t something I would have thought of right off the top of my head.

Another reason why it’s interesting to read about deal breakers is because many of them have come from personal experience. It’s easy to say that you wouldn’t put up with some type of behavior that you know is horrible, even if you haven’t experienced it personally, but you can usually tell when someone has known that behavior firsthand.

For instance, I love Shannon Stamey‘s blog. Even when she’s making fun of something or someone, she’s always cute, funny, and nice (although, since I know her personally, she’ll probably get on my case for saying that). In other words, she rocks. And in this post, she was spot-on with some things that I, too, consider to be deal breakers.

Cynicism. Negativity is a dealbreaker, of course, because who wants to be around someone who needs constant propping-up? Cynicism goes a little deeper: I cannot bear to love someone who believes the world is an evil place, everyone is out to get theirs, and we’re all hurtling toward oblivion. I know I’m on the rainbows and unicorns, true love and carousels side of the spectrum, but I’ve always considered that one of my better qualities. Don’t try to take that away from me.

(Note: I’m not happiness and rainbows all the time either, but even though I consider the negative options and realize they exist, I tend not worry about them until they actually comes to pass. My rationale is, if that negative thing doesn’t happen, I’ve just wasted a lot of time thinking that it might. I may be sarcastic, but I’m definitely not cynical, and I wouldn’t be able to stand that quality in someone else, either.)

Picky eating. I didn’t always have the healthiest relationship with food, and hearing a bunch of fussing brings back ugly memories.

(Note: If I was with someone who obsessed over what they ate, and couldn’t just eat something for the sheer enjoyment of it, that wouldn’t be good for me at all. Eating issues, I have put you in my past — but that doesn’t mean I’m immune to noticing these patterns in others.)

Lack of conflict skills. If you go nuclear to win an argument, or, more to the point, you care more about winning the argument than resolving the problem, I’m going to kick off my sexy heels and run like hell. Also, yelling freaks me out completely.

(Note: Yelling freaks me out, too. I’ll do pretty much anything to avoid it. I believe in having conversations, and heated ones are unavoidable in relationships, but yelling doesn’t have to happen. All I do is retreat, like a turtle tucking its head into its shell.)

Lemmonex has a list of things she’s previously dismissed guys over, but she sums up her list with a simple truth: if you really like someone, these silly things wouldn’t matter.

* ordered a salad on the first date
* was blond
* hiked
* geographically undesirable
* thought he was still 21
* talked about money far too much
* was too laid back
* drank too slowly
* bad tipper
* blabbed on excessively about his car
* loved Train (yes, the band, not toy trains)
* was afraid of his own semen
* primped more than me
* passive
* had horrible taste in beer
* admitted he was scared of me
* wore pleated front khakis
* owned a cat
* talked to his parents daily

I have cared about, perhaps even loved, guys with at least one of these attributes, but the bottom line if this: when you know, you know. If he isn’t going to work, it is a hell of a lot easier to come up with some ridiculous reason to heap them on the pile then to face the frustration of another bad date or failed relationship head on. Some call it finnicky, I call it self preservation.

Although she’s in a committed relationship, Livit Luvit can easily list the behaviors that she wouldn’t put up with.

If you can’t let your inner dork/freak fly when you’re alone.

If he avoids meeting the people you love most.

If he believes you when you say you don’t want anything for your birthday.

If he doesn’t make you laugh. Like, all the time and stuff.

If you think, deep down, that he would probably bone your best friend, given the right circumstances.

If you feel like you pay for more than he does. (Disclaimer: unless you make a significant amount more than him.) (Disclaimer not valid if he’s unemployed — and we’re talking real trailer park trash unemployed, not “the economy is flushed” unemployed.)

And, finally…

If you’re unhappy more often than you’re happy.

Newsweek: Is Texting While Dating a Dealbreaker?

My take on this topic is that while mid-conversation texting is rude and tacky, I don’t think a first date has to exist under some electronic cone of silence. It’s nice to get so wrapped up in someone that you don’t check the BlackBerry all weekend, but that’s a privilege usually reserved for a few weeks after date one. In the meantime, why shouldn’t I check my e-mail while you’re off at the bar getting drinks?

I’ve previously written: What Do You Look For in a Partner? (Hint: It May Change.)

Do you have any particularly interesting deal breakers you’d like to share?