(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)
On a recent Saturday night, I agreed to accompany a male friend (I’ll refer to him as B) to a work function. B’s company was throwing a dinner party at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, and since I’d never been to a fancy party at a museum before I figured it would be an interesting experience.
It was, indeed, an interesting and fun night. Before the party, we went to the rooftop bar at the W Hotel in DC to meet up with B’s co-worker and his date. Once we got to the museum we milled around with all the other people wearing black suits and black dresses (seriously, there were very few women wearing dresses with color — for the record, mine was black as well), and then we ate really good food, had some drinks, and danced.
The party started winding down around midnight, and by that point I was tired and ready to go home. However, B wanted to go out with a few of his co-workers to a club or bar or something. I didn’t ask him for specifics because I didn’t feel like going. (B and I met through an online dating site last fall and went on four or five dates. We’ve stayed in touch through Facebook since we stopped seeing each other, but we were definitely hanging out that night on a “just friends” basis.)
With absolutely no animosity, I thanked B for inviting me, told him he was free to continue his evening, and that I would take Metro home (there have been quite a few instances where I’ve taken Metro by myself late at night, so I wasn’t worried about getting home.) B was fine with this plan. He walked with me to the sidewalk outside the museum, waited while I asked someone for directions to the closest Metro, and then I went on my way.
The only thing that bothered me was that I didn’t quite know where I was going. (Usually when I walk to the Metro by myself at night, I’m familiar with the area and know exactly where I’m going.) I knew where I was, and I had a general idea of where I should walk to find the Metro…but the truth is, I had been drinking and when I got to the area where I thought the Metro should be and I couldn’t find it, I felt pretty frustrated. I ended up asking for directions from a stranger on the street who was able to point out where I needed to go.
(And then, being the nice soul that I am, when B sent me a text at 3am asking if he could sleep at my place because he was too drunk to drive home, I walked downstairs to let him into my apartment building and let him sleep on my couch. Although that was mostly due to the fact that he lives 20 miles outside of town and I didn’t want his life — or the lives of other drivers — on my conscience if something happened.)
It wasn’t until a few days later — when I relayed the events of that evening to two of my female co-workers — that I thought about the situation again. It turns out these ladies were much more appalled at my story than I thought they would be, and they were certainly more appalled than I had been. The first point of contention was that they thought he should have left the party when I did, since I’d agreed to be his date and it was his responsibility to get me safely home. While I understood where they were coming from, I told them I wasn’t upset about that. If he’d rather go out with other people, that was his choice.
Their second point of contention was that if he did let me leave without him, he should have at least made sure I got to the Metro safely. When I thought about that, I agreed with them. It certainly would have been the nice thing to do. Especially since I’m quite sure I have a number of male friends who would have insisted they help me locate the Metro before they let me go off by myself.
If B and I were dating instead of just friends, it would have been a bigger deal that he didn’t see me safely to the Metro. But I wasn’t in a dangerous area and I knew he wasn’t trying to impress me, so that’s why I didn’t put too much thought into it.
I guess it’s all about expectations. I tend not to have expectations of people until they’ve been a bigger part of my life than just a few dates. I’m not going to let someone walk all over me, but I try to be realistic.
Also, if we were on a date that night and he expected to see me again, this situation would have been different — I strongly doubt I would have agreed to go out with him again. If you truly like someone, you want to impress them and you want to make sure they know you care about their well-being.
What do situations like this show me? That I know the kind of person I want to date, and that person is considerate and kind. I wasn’t appalled at B’s behavior, but neither was I impressed by it.
I want to be impressed.
Related Reading:
Totally Her: She’s Just Not That Impressed by You
Dating Over 40: I Let a Good One Get Away
50JDates is trying to figure out how to handle the guy she’s currently dating.
(Contributing editor Zandria blogs at Zandria.us.)
9 Comments
And impressed you should be! I love the title of this post because it’s so true. You expect certain things of people depending on who they are and where they fit in your life. He definitely should have made sure you got to the Metro safely, but I understand him wanting to carry on his night. You seem like you have such a good head on your shoulders!
Nice post! And, as with everything, not only do expectations change based on the role of the person being judged (B, in this case) but also by the person doing the expecting/judging. Because I would be annoyed if I told someone to go on with their evening, that I was fine to go find the metro on my own, and they instead chose to treat me like I couldn’t make valid judgments and must be accompanied. When I’d just specifically said I didn’t need to be! Of course I probably also wouldn’t have been drunk (not that I never drink, but only a couple times a year and in circumstances that are home or like-home to me), so adding that to the mix probably also makes a difference.
I lived in DC for 4 years and walked to the metro by myself at night many times. If I didn’t feel safe doing so, I asked someone to come with me. If I told them I could do it myself and I was wrong, that’s on me, not on them.
But all of this just perfectly makes your point, that each experience helps us to see what we want/need from a partner, and we all want something different. Doesn’t that work out nicely! :)
I agree that he should have walked you to the Metro at the very least. No one HAS to do this, but since he is a guy it just boils down to manners in my opinion. It would have shown that he has a lot of character, and to me letting you walk alone, even if it is a safe neighborhood is not right (in my opinion). It definitely shows what great character YOU have though for letting him stay the night.
It was an inconvenience and hassle for you, yet it was the RIGHT thing to do.
Even though it wasn’t a romantic situation, you were still his guest, and he still had a responsibility to see you home safely. If he wanted to continue his evening, he should have hailed a cab for you and paid the driver on your behalf. I mean, really, no matter how comfortable you felt, it’s less of a gender thing, and more about his needing to be a more gracious host.
This seems sexist to me. You made a point of saying you are just friends. If B was a female friend, I doubt anyone would be saying she should have made sure you got to the metro safely.
Though I definitely would have asked my friend if he or she would be ok getting back home, if he or she assured me it would be fine I’d accept that at face value and go on with my evening. And I’d expect to be treated the same way by a friend of either gender.
hey zan, sounds like this guy could be the one? he should have, at least, made sure you knew how to get home but i see where you are comin from. i’d give him another date. he did sleep on your couch!
I don’t know….this day and age, I get a little nervous if guy friends don’t walk me to my car (or wherever) in the dark. I KNOW that seems high maintenance, and I’m such an independent person that I hate to be like that, but I just think a *true* gentleman should WANT to do that. Not saying your friend isn’t one, but I always make sure my girl friends get to their car/cab safely.
I agree about the expectations. I completely expect a guy who I am dating to do things like that – because that is the kind of man I want to be with. If I’m dating someone and he isn’t worried for my safety, well….I have my answer!
I’m with Debbie (and others, it seems!). I’m a little disappointed with your female friends for being appalled at B for not walking you to the Metro. Feels kinda sexist to me! I know I personally would be very annoyed with (any gender) friend insisting on walking me to the Metro. Who’s gonna walk the friend back to where they’re going? Why is my friend so much more “safe” than I am?
If I had a friend who wanted to be walked somewhere, I’d do it in a heartbeat, but you weren’t asking for that. I always make sure to check in on friends (male or female) to make sure they got home okay, or I drive them to their cars if mine is closer, etc. But to just expect a walk somewhere because I’m female? Ugh.
I’d probably be annoyed at a male date/boyfriend who insisted the same thing. He should absolutely offer, but if turned down, calmly accept that I can handle my own.
I spent a year in Canada as an exchange student and I have to say that it drove me nuts that no man/boy/guy would take my “I’m fine walking on my own” seriously. I was used to walking or biking or taking the bus/train on my own at any hour of the day. Or night. I felt limited in my independence. I wrote it up as cultural differences…
That said, I’d love to go to a fancy party at a museum. Sounds cool! :)