1) The departure of a friend:
I didn’t write about this when it happened, but in hindsight, I’m glad I waited because I have more perspective on it now. I want to talk about a friend moving away, and the difficulty of making new friends as an adult.
In July, after living in Buffalo for three years, my friend Jaclyn and her family decided to return to Washington, DC. Jaclyn and I met via the internet, as so many do, but our similarities bound us together and made our friendship unique.
I moved to Buffalo in July 2013 from Washington, DC. Jaclyn moved to Buffalo – also from DC – a month later, in August 2013. We didn’t know each other before we moved here; Jaclyn did a Google search looking for Buffalo bloggers and came across my site. She reached out, and we had our first meeting in early September 2013 at SPoT Coffee in the Elmwood Village.
Sometimes a few months would pass where we didn’t see each other, but we met up pretty consistently (sometimes solo, sometimes in group situations with our husbands and her two kids). She was very good about including me and Paul in her family’s fair-weather hiking plans; there are several locations we visited with them that we might not have made it to otherwise. In the last few months before she left, Jaclyn and I would meet for weekly lunchtime walks when we had a break from work.
I spent a full day at her house on a Saturday last January, providing childcare and packing boxes, as she prepared to sell her house and move into temporary housing before they solidified their move back to DC. I met her parents on multiple occasions. I attended two of her daughter’s birthday parties. I cuddled her youngest son when he was just a few weeks old.
The sticking point is this: Even as we enjoyed each other’s company, Jaclyn and I lamented on multiple occasions that we found it difficult to make other friends in Buffalo.
I’ve met some folks here who are very nice; I’ve been to their homes; met up at restaurants. These relationships just haven’t progressed to actual closeness. Most people are fine interacting a few times a year or less, or greeting you with a hug if you happen to run into each other at an event. Others drop away entirely. You follow each other’s social media feeds but never receive any in-person invites.
I’ve noticed that most people I’ve come into contact with are from here. They’ve lived in Buffalo their entire lives, or most of their lives, and they have enough friends. When they throw a get-together, they don’t think to include you because they already have enough attendees. Valuable weekend hours are set aside for people they’re already close to.
Whenever I tell people how difficult it’s been to make friends in Buffalo, I make sure to acknowledge my part: I’m an introvert. It’s always been hard for me to initiate conversations and invitations. However, if someone extends an invitation, I’m all about it. I realize this aspect of my personality has not helped in the making-friends endeavor, and if I was better about reaching out to people, I’d probably have better luck.
So yes, the closest friend I made after moving to Buffalo was a fellow DC transplant. And then she left.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m glad Jaclyn left. She was unhappy here, she had good reasons for leaving, and she doesn’t regret her decision. I applaud her bravery – she made multiple drastic changes in her life in the span of three short years. Many people would never do what she did; they contemplate taking action but remain where they are because it’s easier.
I haven’t quite decided what to do about this. It feels like my only option, living where I do, is to force myself past my discomfort and extend more invitations to people I already know and like, in the hope that one day I’ll have seen them enough to achieve that ever-elusive closeness.
In the meantime, I travel back to DC twice a year, and while I’m there I squeeze in as many visits with friends as I possibly can. It’s not uncommon for me to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner plans in a single day. Each of these visits feels like a sigh of relief. I can finally take part in real conversation and unburden myself of all the information I’ve been waiting to share, rather than engaging in the typical superficial “How are you? How was your weekend?” monotony where you know the person doesn’t really care to hear the answer.
Bikes ended up being a surprisingly big theme of 2016, which I mentioned halfway through the year. From April through October, Paul and I rode almost every Saturday and Sunday, usually for 1.5-2 hours each time.
Our typical ride was 15-20 miles. We sometimes did less and sometimes did more, but the one time we took a wrong turn and added unexpected mileage to an already-long trip (giving us a grand total of 24.5 miles), I was quite grumpy. I’m happy with my 20-miles-or-less rides and don’t see myself becoming a long-distance cyclist anytime soon.
We even rented bikes when we visited Toronto for a long weekend in early October, something we’d never done before. Rental bikes are heavier and more difficult to maneuver, but it was still a fun way to see the city – we covered more ground than walking, and we saw more sights than if we’d taken public transportation.
Paul was the 2016 cycling-distance winner at 32 miles. On a day off from work, he did a round-trip ride from our house to Niagara Falls (16 miles each way). I was both jealous (what a cool ride!) and relieved that he did it without me (because there’s no way I could have lasted 32 miles unless we took a long break in-between).
Another positive side effect of biking is we’ve inspired my father-in-law to take it up. He purchased a bike around the time he retired in September, and he’s really taken to it. He actually goes out more than we do now that it’s gotten cold.
3) A new person in the house:
In July, my youngest brother (13 years younger than me) moved into our home. He’s been living with us now for almost six months.
He’d spent his entire life in central Virginia (where I’m from) until last summer and needed a change of scenery. We’re giving him a rent-free place to stay while he works, pays back some debt, and decides what his next step is going to be.
As with any new situation, there have been pros and cons. On the positive side, my brother is very intelligent and holds different views than we do on a lot of things, so when he decides to hold forth on a certain topic, it ends up being interesting even if we don’t agree with him. His presence has shaken up our normal routines. It’s nice to see him holding down a job and making plans for the future. Occasionally I get a hug.
On the negative side, he’s a 23-year-old male. He cleans things if we specifically ask him, but nothing more, so we often end up with extra work. His room is a disaster. I buy and prepare more food. We’ve had to get used to another person in the house, not knowing when he’s coming in or out. Because of our age difference, I sometimes feel more like a mom than a sister. And he recently broke one particular house rule that made me so angry I almost kicked him out.
This situation won’t last forever. I hope when he leaves, he looks back on his Buffalo experience as a positive one.