Category Archives: BlogHer

I Live Alone, But I’m Not Lonely

17thJanuary2010

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

I’ve been living in my new apartment for over a week. It’s been everything I expected it to be: my commute to work is shorter because I’m living closer to a Metro station; I’ve unpacked all my boxes, broken them down, and discarded them; I’ve ordered a bookcase and a TV stand. However, what I’m really proud of is the number of visitors I’ve had — seven of my friends came by just this week, which doesn’t include the six people who helped me move in — to check out my new space.

When I told one of my friends that I didn’t have a microwave and was looking for a used one on Craigslist, he immediately offered to give me one that he’s no longer using and delivered it to me himself.

Other friends have been asking me when I’m going to have a housewarming party. I wonder, do they realize I’ve never thrown a party in my life? But that I’m pretty darn excited about doing so for the first time ever? And that I’m actually not worried that if I throw a party, nobody will show up? Because I know they will.

It’s been over three years since I moved to the DC metro area. When I moved here I didn’t know a single person. Since then I’ve met a lot of people through the jobs I’ve had, and through the DC blogging community, and through my online dating experiences. And those people have introduced me to even more people. It’s really kind of remarkable when I think about it.

I often think about how different my life is now, compared to when I first moved here (and into my very first apartment by myself) three years ago. I wasn’t familiar with this area at all; I chose a place based on the fact that it looked all right from the outside and because I could afford it. For the next year I dealt with roaches, unsavory neighbors, and the occasional mouse strolling through my place.

In that apartment, I sometimes had friends who would come to visit me from Richmond, but most of the time I was there by myself. On the weekends that I didn’t go back to Richmond to see my friends and family (I was making the 100+ mile drive a lot more often than I do now), most of the time I would be alone. I got a lot of writing done during that time, but I know for a fact that I wasn’t particularly happy.

It took a while for that situation to change, but due to a variety of circumstances — dealing with (and overcoming) a number of life challenges, taking the initiative to pursue new jobs, learning not to be scared to interact with and meet new people — it certainly has.

When I look back at how my life used to be compared to how it is today, I feel incredibly happy to be where I am. I knew that when I made the decision to get a place by myself again, it would be the polar opposite from my first solo-living experience. While I’m technically in this apartment alone, with the option to shut the doors and ignore the world, I no longer do that.

Correction: I no longer do that nearly as often. I still like my quiet time. In fact, I’ve spent most of the day today by myself and it’s been great. The difference is that while I’m enjoying my time alone right now, I’m enjoying it because I know that it’s temporary. I know that I have the option to make a call, or send an email or text, and I could have company if I wanted it. Although I will certainly exercise that option soon, I’m not doing it tonight.

I’m alone, but not for long. And that fact makes me really, really happy.

Related Reading:

Constantly Knitting had a far-from-ideal renting experience at her last place, but she’s hoping for a change with her new apartment. (Best of luck to you.)

Alicia did a walk-through of an apartment she’ll be moving into soon, and she loves it. She also posted some pictures of ideas she’d like to incorporate into her new space.

Megan Pav just moved into a new apartment that she loves in Fez Jdid.

By Zandria | Comments (11)

Moving Day: It’s Almost Here

3rdJanuary2010

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

By this time next week, I’ll have moved all (or most) of my belongings from the current two-bedroom apartment I share with a roommate to a studio that I’ll be living in by myself. I was off work last week, so I spent a chunk of that time doing the required organizing and packing-up of my belongings.

While the act of moving isn’t high on my list of fun things to do, I actually do enjoy going through my things and deciding what needs to stay and what can go. I’ve been packing paper grocery bags with all the random items I’ve deemed unnecessary — I’m up to six bags at this point filled with things that I need to give away. Clothes, shoes, spice rack, cordless telephone, plastic water bottles, and oh, so much more.

When Friday rolled around and I realized that I’d been spending more time organizing than packing, I turned on some music and started pulling out the boxes I’d saved. It was time to get serious. I have to go back to work next week and after that I’ll only have time to pack in the evenings — and next Saturday, moving day, will be here before I know it. I spent about six hours packing on Friday, with only a few short breaks to eat a snack or check my email. It took me longer than I expected to pack up the kitchen, linen closet, and most of the things from my bedroom. It was tiring, but very productive.

My mom, stepdad, and my two brothers (ages 17 and 21) are driving up from Richmond to help me move, and I also recruited a male friend who lives in the area because I needed another pair of strong arms. (My stepdad fell and hurt his ribcage a few weeks ago, so he let me know in advance that he wouldn’t be able to carry anything heavy.) I’ll let my friend and the older of my two brothers lift the living room furniture and massive bedroom dresser, which means the smaller furniture, boxes, and other random things should go quickly.

Next week at this time, I’ll be moved in and surrounded by boxes. I’ll be deciding where things should go and what I still need to purchase (there are some things that I definitely need, like a TV stand and coffee table, but I’m not in a rush to get them before I move and I kind of want to see how everything looks in the space first).

To me, the biggest pain involved with moving is taking care of the details I’d rather not have to bother with. Like dropping off the things I don’t want anymore at Goodwill. Reserving a moving truck. Making sure I can use the apartment’s freight elevator at a certain time.

I just keep telling myself that these are small inconveniences, and indeed, as I check them off they don’t seem so bad. After all, I know the trouble will be worth it.

Related Reading:

Just Fine Just Dandy is moving in a few weeks. She asks, “Do you look around and think, ‘Oh, this won’t be too bad. I don’t have that many things to pack up.’ Then come moving day and the stuff to pack seems never ending?” (My answer: yes, that’s exactly what happened to me.)

Whether you have a lot of stuff or not very much at all, packing is still a pain. Musings From a Brooklyn Native is going from Vienna to New York to Geneva, but luckily she only has a few suitcases and duffle bags to worry about.

Knot Watt Ewe Think had a lot of crafty materials to go through when she moved back in October.

By Zandria | Comments (7)

The Role of Alcohol in Social Interactions

27thDecember2009

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

On Christmas Day, while spending time with family in the central Virginia county where I grew up, I was caught off guard when one of my family members expressed concern for the amount of alcohol I consume (not that day in particular — I wasn’t drinking — but in general). It turns out that this person, who is also a Facebook friend, tends to take note when I update my status saying that I’m going to a bar, or to a party with friends.

The question bothered me a little bit, but only because I don’t want this person thinking I have a problem. I’m proud of the fact that I take care of myself and I like to think that I do a pretty good job. I eat right, I’m at a healthy weight, I exercise, I pay my bills on time, and there are a fair amount of people who enjoy spending time with me. I think those are all things to be proud of.

The question came up because I happened to mention that I’d had a few drinks at my mom’s house the night before. “I’m glad you brought that up,” the family member said. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that I notice you have an awful lot of status updates about going out drinking. I think you drink too much.”

“I don’t have a drinking problem,” I said.

“That’s what anyone would say if they were confronted.”

“Maybe so,” I answered. “But in this case, you’ll just have to believe that I’m telling the truth.”

What is the truth? The truth is that, yes, alcohol does play a role in my social interactions. When I meet new people through online dating, bars are a common meeting place. When I go out with friends or co-workers after work and on weekends, we tend to consume alcohol.

However, just for the fun of it, I’m going to run through some reasons why I know I don’t have a drinking problem (all of which I could — and should — have listed in person the other day, but I tend to form more coherent thoughts when I’m writing rather than speaking).

1) I don’t drink every day, and just because I go to a bar doesn’t mean I’m getting hammered. I do have self control; I can stop at one or two.

2) I very rarely have a drink when I’m at home by myself (maybe once every few months).

3) I’ve never woken up and not known where I was, or gone home with someone because I was too drunk to know what I was doing — hell, I don’t think I’ve ever made-out in a bar with someone I’ve just met.

4) I have the same drink most of the time (rum and diet coke), because I know how much I can handle, and how I feel when I’ve had enough.

Do I think I’d know if I had a problem? Yes, I’m pretty sure I would. I imagine that all of the things I listed above would be the complete opposite — that I would lose control, that I would drink for the hell of it and not just because I was having fun. I appreciate that this family member cares enough about me to bring up a concern, but I also hope he realizes that I’m not the kind of person who would enjoy relinquishing control.

What kind of role does alcohol play in your social interactions?

Related Reading:

Telegraph: Professional women ‘more likely to be heavy drinkers than those in other jobs’

AV Flox on BlogHer: Drunk on You: Alcohol Disinhibits, But At What Cost?

Crazy Sexy Life: One of Terri’s recommendations to reduce family stress over the holiday season is to “know when to say when” to your alcohol consumption.

Banned in Hollywood: 10 More Signs You Drank Too Much (humor)

By Zandria | Comments (7)

Five Things I’m Proud Of (From 2009)

22ndDecember2009

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

When I was first approached with the topic of this post, it was a really awesome feeling that I was able to think of all five things right off the top of my head. 2009 has been a great year. A number of big things have happened, including things that are widely accepted as being life-changing, like taking a new job and preparing to move to a new location. Because these things are so memorable, most of them have already come up in posts I’ve written during the last twelve months — but here they are, all at once. Five things I’m proud of from 2009:

1. I’m proud of my new job

In September, I left the place where I’d been working for over two years and accepted a job with a new company. It was the absolute best choice for me and I’m very happy that I made the switch.

I got this job through “unintentional networking,” which means I heard about it through a friend who knew I was looking. (The same friend, in fact, that I’ll mention again in #5.) The whole process of applying, interviewing, and training for this new job was extremely easy and seamless, which makes me feel like it was meant to be and it’s where I will be for the foreseeable future.

2. I’m proud of my new apartment

I haven’t moved in yet, but the date is set for early January. I have the address, I’ve paid the deposit, and I bought a sofa and chair from Craigslist. I’ll be living on my own again, which I’m very excited about — not that there’s anything wrong with living with a roommate, but I’ll be turning 30 in six months and sometimes you just reach a point where you know you need to be on your own. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I don’t plan to have a roommate again unless it’s — well, you know, a dude that I’m more-than-friends with.

I’m proud of my apartment because I made the decision that I wanted to move, I did the research, I chose the place, I’ll be the one to pack up all my belongings (and arrange to have people help me move the really heavy stuff), and I’ll be paying the bills. It feels good.

3. I’m proud that I’ve learned to enjoy being social

I’ve had good friends throughout my entire life, but it’s just been the past few years where I feel like I’ve made an effort to get out and meet new people on a regular basis — and I genuinely enjoy it. I attribute a big part of this change to online dating (referenced in a post I wrote in August after I passed the one-year mark of my membership with an online dating site).

There were a few weeks in 2009 where I literally had plans of some sort every day for a week — I believe my record was eight days in a row. It can be tiring sometimes, but I’d rather be tired and happy than well-rested and bored.

4. I’m proud that I’m blogging differently than I used to, and I’m okay with that

I blog when I want to, if I want to. I reached a point this year where I don’t feel like discussing all the minutiae of my life anymore. I still do that to an extent, but now I do it on Facebook — a place where I can limit my audience to people I know, and where I can talk about what I’m doing in a few lines rather than writing it out in paragraph form. It takes a lot less time and I find that once I’ve said it, I usually don’t feel the need to bring it up later (in extended form) on my blog.

One of the things I’ve held onto is the writing I do for BlogHer, and I do that because I’m proud of it, too. I’ve met a lot of really fantastic women through being associated with that site, and I’m not ready to give it up yet.

5. I’m proud of this one friendship in particular…

The vast majority of the guys I’ve been good friends with through the years are men I’m not physically attracted to (and so far, I’ve never had a situation where I started out not-at-all attracted to a male friend and we mutually decided at a later point that we wanted to be more than friends — you know, like you sometimes see in the movies). This makes sense, though. After all, isn’t it much easier to be friends with someone you’re not attracted to?

I’m proud that someone I started dating at the beginning of 2009 has transitioned to being a really good friend. After we stopped dating, there were a few strange months that sometimes required conversations about “where we stood,” but for the past 4-5 months I can tell we’ve reached a really good place. We date other people, but we spend time together pretty often and we’ve had the opportunity to do nice things for each other. (For instance, he helped me move the living room furniture I bought a few weeks ago, and I served as a character reference for him — which required me to talk to an interviewer face-to-face — when he applied for a job that required it.)

Something that helps with the whole transition to being just-friends? You can’t be “friends with benefits.” (Well, at least I can’t.) It’s difficult to get used to in the beginning, but if you stick it out you’ll find that you can spend multiple hours together, alone, and you don’t have to worry about anything happening.

I care a lot about this person, but it’s nice to have reached a place where I no longer feel like I’m waiting for him to change his mind and suddenly decide he wants to date me. He’s played a big role in my life this year and I have a feeling that he’s someone I will know for a long time. And that’s a really great feeling.

What are you proud of that happened in 2009?

Related Reading:

Liz Rizzo on BlogHer wrote a post called Makes Friends with Exes. Even though me and the guy that I just mentioned were never officially a couple, I can identify with some of the feelings she wrote about in her post.

http://www.blogher.com/makes-friends-exes

Ashley Reading is proud that she set up her own website this year, and she’s currently working on her second.

Jill recently celebrated the one-year anniversary of her blog, something that she’s very proud of.

By Zandria | Comments (1)

Dating During the Holidays? There’s No Need to Stress

20thDecember2009

(This is cross-posted at BlogHer.)

Should we handle dating around the holidays any differently than we would at any other time of year? I’m sure there are some people who might, but I don’t. I do the same thing I always do: I sign in to my dating site if I feel like it (which means I might sign in every-other day, or maybe wait a few weeks between visits, depending on my mood). I answer emails from new people if they strike me the right way, otherwise I delete them. I might meet 2-3 people in one week, or maybe I’ll go a month without meeting someone new. I’d have no problem meeting someone new on Christmas Eve, as long as I didn’t have anything else planned. Who cares?

I found a Holiday Dating Do’s and Don’ts article that recommends not logging into your dating account over the holidays at all. Umm…WHY NOT? I understand not logging in on a Friday or Saturday night (when you’re supposed to give off the impression that you’re away from home because you’re too popular and desirable to spend a weekend night alone). But refraining from signing-in at all is just silly.

I met a guy online in December of last year, shortly before Christmas, but because of the holidays and our conflicting schedules we didn’t actually meet in person until after January 1st. However, we were exchanging text messages on Christmas Day. Did I think I was breaking some kind of boundary or maybe giving him the impression that I was a loser? Not at all. A text takes a short time to send; it was harmless.

If you refrain from meeting anyone new around the holiday season, you’re putting too much pressure on dating. The purpose of dating is to have fun and meet new people – if you’re worried about whether you should buy someone a gift because you’ve only been dating a few weeks, you’re taking the fun out of it.

If I’d been on a few dates with someone in the weeks leading up to Christmas, there are a few things I might do: If we went out for a drink or dinner, I might grab the check and pay for everything, saying “Merry Christmas!” as I signed the check. Or I could hand him a bag of homemade cookies with a “Here, these are for you! Happy holidays!” Basically, I have no problem spending a little bit of money or a little bit of time, but I wouldn’t hand over a gift that was all wrapped-up, no matter how much it cost (even if the gift cost less than his dinner). I’m sure there are other good ways that people handle this situation, but that’s what I would do.

Are you dating during the holiday season? Pretend it’s spring, summer, or fall. Unless, of course, you feel like stressing yourself out unnecessarily — if that’s the case, have at it. As for me, I’ll be out having fun.

Related Reading:

Misadventures in Atlanta: Single-ish During the Holidays

The Frisky: Dating Don’ts: Dealing With Holiday Hell

StyleCaster: Unattached? 5 Reasons You’ll Be Thankful You’re Single During the Holidays

By Zandria | Comments (2)