When I started blogging in 2002, I did so because I was planning to drive cross-country for the first time, and I would be doing it by myself (I’ve now driven cross-country on a number of occasions, always solo, between Virginia and California). I started blogging to give my family and friends a way to keep up with my adventures, and I’ve been blogging ever since.

I know I’m a different person than I was eight years ago, but there’s one aspect of my personality that hasn’t changed. While I’m no longer in the clutches of a raging quarter-life crisis, my tendency to crave change and look for ways to shake up my life hasn’t diminished as I’ve gotten older.

On the surface, my life is good: I like the Washington DC area where I’ve spent the last four years; I have a lot of friends; I have a good job and my own apartment. But I can’t deny that I feel discontent. There are a few options I’ve considered: I could stay with my current employer, but take an assignment at one of our international offices that would get me out of the country for a while. I could quit my job, or take a leave of absence, and travel around the U.S. for a few months. (I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska. And I’ve never been to New England. Hell, I’ve been to California and many states in-between, but I’ve never been to Philadelphia, which is only a few hours drive away.)

I realize some people consider these options drastic. While I recognize them as life changing events, neither do I shy away from them. Maybe I’ll choose to do one of these things, or maybe I’ll choose something else. What I do know is, I’m glad the decision is up to me and I’m free to make a change if that’s what I decide I want to do.

The thought of drastic change scares me a little, but sometimes you have to force yourself to be scared and uncomfortable. The possibility of regret scares me even more.

Number watched so far: 7

I’m listing the documentaries in the order in which I watch them, and putting them in one of three categories: Very Interesting, Worth Watching, or Not All That Great.

1. Ballerina
Filmmaker Bertrand Normand’s documentary profiles five outstanding Russian ballerinas from the prestigious Mariinsky Theatre, following them from grueling rehearsals to flawless performances around the globe.
Opinion: Very interesting. (Maybe it’s the little girl in me, but I liked watching the extreme dedication and day-to-day lives of these ultra hard-working ballet dancers.)

2. This Emotional Life
Harvard psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Daniel Gilbert hosts this three-part PBS series [note: I watched the third episode, called "Rethinking Happiness"] that explores the range of human emotions and how we can strive to become more positive in our day-to-day lives.
Opinion: Worth watching. (Some of the profiles went on too long, which made it difficult to pay attention, but I like hearing/reading theories about happiness.)

3. The September Issue
A documentary chronicling Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour’s preparations for the 2007 fall-fashion issue.
Opinion: Not all that great. (I thought I’d like this better than I did. I would have found it more interesting if they talked to Vogue staff members who were lower on the totem pole, rather than focusing mainly on Anna Wintour.)

4. A Wink and a Smile: The Art of Burlesque
The camera goes inside Seattle’s Academy of Burlesque to shadow 10 ordinary women — among them, a taxidermist, a housewife and a doctor — who are learning the art of the striptease.
Opinion: Very interesting. (The class looks fun and empowering. I might try it myself if I had the nerve.)

5. A State of Mind
Two young North Korean gymnasts prepare for an unprecedented competition in this documentary that offers a rare look into the communist society and the daily lives of North Korean families. For more than eight months, film crews follow 13-year-old Pak Hyon Sun and 11-year-old Kim Song Yun and their families as the girls train for the Mass Games, a spectacular nationalist celebration involving thousands of performers.
Opinion: Very interesting. (I found the look inside the girls’ day-to-day lives especially interesting. Even though I’ve heard a little bit about life in North Korea, this made me realize how much I didn’t know.)

6. Every Little Step
Go backstage for an up-close look at a Broadway production with this documentary that follows hopeful dancers as they audition for coveted spots in the 2006 revival of “A Chorus Line.” Drawing parallels between the interactions of the aspiring actors and the events of the play, filmmakers Adam Del Deo and James D. Stern also intercut interview footage of composer Marvin Hamlisch and dancers from the original Broadway production.
Opinion: Worth watching. (Some people are so talented, it’s sickening. In a good way, of course.)

7. Spirit of the Marathon
Six runners from vastly different backgrounds train for the 26.2 miles of glory that comprise the famed Chicago Marathon. Along the way, filmmaker John Dunham provides an informative account at the centuries-old race. Vintage film clips and thoughtful interviews fill out this heartfelt portrait, which also includes appearances by legendary runners such as Dick Beardsley, Paula Radcliffe, Bill Rodgers, Toshihiko Seko and Grete Waitz.
Opinion: Very interesting. (I found the most inspiring marathoner to be an old gentleman who ran his first marathon at the age of 65. He runs slow, but he’s now run multiple races and inspires others to do the same.)

This was the first time I’d seen a class like this offered by Living Social, so I immediately decided to take advantage of the $40 offer (most sushi classes I’ve seen advertised in this area run $75-85 apiece).

This particular class took place at CulinAerie. I liked the space; it’s conveniently located to several Metro stations and the interior is bright and clean. The only thing I didn’t like is that the main room is a little small for the amount of tables they had in there, which made it difficult to maneuver around the tables without waiting for someone to move out of your way first.

The class lasted for two hours. The first 45-60 minutes were dedicated to a “history of sushi,” instruction on how to cut the vegetables (we didn’t use raw fish, which was a little disappointing, but it was understandable due to the relatively large class size), and a demonstration of how to roll sushi two ways (one with the rice on the outside, and the other with the rice enclosed by the nori). There were two large TV screens hanging from the ceiling so people in the back could see what was going on up front, one camera on the instructor’s face and one close-up on the food preparation.

The second hour was hands-on. Everything we needed had been laid out for us in advance — knife, cutting board, sushi rice and veggies, bamboo mat, etc. No set-up or clean-up was required, which was very nice. And several CulinAerie employees roamed the room, answering questions and bringing extra ingredients as requested.

I went to the class by myself, so I was paired with another woman who had also arrived solo. She was pleasant and we worked well together, taking turns sharing a cutting board and bamboo mat, but I found myself wishing that someone I knew would have taken advantage of the class as well — it would have been a bit more fun if there was easy, relaxed conversation with a friend involved.

However, I did get to practice rolling the sushi both ways (I did a pretty good job…a tad better than my assigned partner, if I say so myself). And even though I typically don’t order vegetarian sushi, it tasted good. They gave us a glass of wine, too. (That came out near the end, though, and I wish it had arrived a little sooner.)

All in all, I had a good time and I’d go back to CulinAerie if they offer something else I’d like to learn about. But next time I’ll definitely take a friend.

(Item #1 on Zan’s Life List is “Take 20 different classes.” This sushi class at CulinAerie was the first of 20.)

2. Learn to swim
(Please note: I get horrible motion sickness on boats, and even when I’m just standing in water. Previous attempts at swimming lessons have been cut short because I feel like I’m going to barf after about 15 minutes. Whoever teaches me to swim will have to be very patient, and also willing to do short lessons over a longer number of days. Or else cure my motion sickness.)

3. Do at least 1 unassisted pull-up
(Strength! Yeah!)

4. Use chopsticks without embarrassment
(I can pick up sushi, that’s about it.)

5. Obtain a Masters degree or professional certification
(I’ve done a ton of research on my options over the years, but I’ve never identified something I love enough to spend that much time and money.)

6. Become conversational in Spanish
(Previous experience: I took Spanish in high school and college.)

7. Once I become conversational in Spanish, take a trip to a Spanish-speaking country and interact with locals

8. Complete a difficult hike
(Location to be determined at a later date)

9. Ride in a helicopter

10. Live in another country again for at least six months
(I spent five months in Amsterdam in 2004)

11. Watch 50 documentaries

12. Take a self-defense class
(I’ve always wanted to learn how to take a big, muscular guy to the ground.)

13. Ride a horse
(Taking a simple ride while on vacation doesn’t count. I’d like to learn how to put on a saddle, and a bridle, and ride…fast. This will be scary.)

14. Stomp on grapes

15. Throw a surprise party

16. Take another long road trip in the U.S.
(I’ve made two round-trip cross-country drives, from Virginia to California and back, so I’ve crossed the U.S. four times already. I’ll take a new route next time.)

17. Learn to drive a motorcycle
(I don’t necessarily want to buy one, but I’d like to know how to ride.)

18. Ice skate on a frozen lake

19. Go to a drive-in movie

20. Throw a cream pie in someone’s face
(Note to self: Make sure this person has a good sense of humor.)

21. Eat sushi in Japan

22. Appear in a movie or TV show
(Serving as an extra would count, even if I don’t see my face on-screen.)

23. Ride an elephant

24. Walk along the Great Wall of China

25. Sleep in a tree house

26. Take my nephew on a trip before he graduates from high school
(Devin starts 8th grade in fall 2010)

27. Try acupuncture

28. Learn to give a good massage
(I’ve never had a professional massage, but I’d like to learn how to give them to other people.)

29. Take a dance class

30. Go dog-sledding

31. Be published somewhere other than online

32. Try CrossFit (or something similar) at least four times

33. Host a party at my house

34. Make excellent crepes

35. Make homemade marshmallows
(Sounds sticky! But also fun.)

36. Make my own cheese

37. Make macarons

38. Learn how to handle and take care of a gun (including loading/unloading, shooting, and cleaning)
(I’ve been to shooting ranges a few times, but that’s the extent of my knowledge.)

39. Visit 10 new locations in/around Washington, DC
(Restaurants don’t count.)

40. Visit Philadelphia
(I only live a few hours away, and I’ve been saying for ages that I’m going to visit…)

41. Visit Boston

42. Visit New Orleans

A few things to note about this list:

As of the day I publish this post, 15 Aug 2010, I have 42 items on my list. That number seems abysmally low, given I’ve been thinking about this subject for a while. The thing is, I don’t want to add anything to this list unless it’s something I really want to do. I’m also keeping a separate list of “possibles” that might be added later — and I’ve seen good ideas on other people’s lists — but if it doesn’t appeal to me, I don’t want it on here. I’d rather start off short and build it up later.

If I add a bunch of new items, I’ll mention it in a post. If it’s just something small here or there, I won’t. That’s the beauty of Life Lists: they can be whatever you want them to be.

You’ll notice the major themes revolve around learning something I don’t already know, traveling somewhere I haven’t been, or bettering myself physically. I did this on purpose because I want my Life List to revolve around experiences and learning, rather than purchasing “things.” The only money spent on these items will be the actual cost of the class, trip, etc.

(If anyone I know in real life sees something on this list they’d like to participate in with me, or if any strangers have tips or suggestions, please feel free to pass them on.)

For the third year in a row, my roommate was Liz Rizzo. She’s delightful, and she doesn’t seem to mind when I stick to her side for dear life when we attend parties together. She’ll walk right up to a stranger and say hello, while I find the idea quite unappealing. Thanks to Liz, I did meet a few lovely new people along the way. Here we are on Friday morning, waiting for the welcome session to begin.

For the second year in a row, Siel (”Green L.A. Girl”) accompanied me as my guest to a Nintendo dinner. (Disclosure: I am a Nintendo Brand Enthusiast.) This year the dinner was held at the Loeb Boathouse in Central Park, and they picked us up from our hotel in pedicabs. Not only that, all of the pedicab drivers were dressed up as Mario. It was very entertaining and we got quite a few stares on our journey.

On Saturday morning, I was invited to attend the PepsiCo Sofa Summit. There were about 30 attendees, and it was described as a “provocative, interactive discussion about the ideas, influence and impact that women yield today and potential for tomorrow.” The moderator of the discussion was Campbell Brown.

There’s a 2-minute highlight/recap video on YouTube, with close-ups of me on camera at the 11-second and 53-second markers.

Saturday night, I went out with a group of ladies to dinner at Vatan (including Suzanne, who lives in the city and made the recommendation), which is an Indian vegetarian restaurant. It was incredibly good. Four of us took the subway home. The picture below is of me and Maren. (I look tired after the long day, but check out my mini-bicep as I clutch the subway pole. Yay for strength!)

I’m leaving out a lot of people I saw and things I did, but those are a few highlights. Next year the conference will be held in San Diego. I checked my Flickr account just now and realized that my first (and last) visit to San Diego was 7 years ago this month. Will I take the opportunity to go there a second time…?

I registered for the conference last year, so even though I’ve hardly blogged at all in the past six months (and to be honest, for six months previous to that I was only blogging 1-2 times a week), I never considered not attending.

I like going to BlogHer because I always leave feeling inspired. Not just inspired to write (although that’s part of it, because I’m writing right now), but because of the attendees and speakers. There are ladies out there in the world doing some really cool things, and never do I see as many of them gathered in one place as I do at the BlogHer conferences.

Women at BlogHer are speaking out, starting their own businesses, finding their dream jobs, creating and fulfilling their Life Lists, taking awe-inspiring photographs, and inspiring other people through their writing.

Some of the attendees are ordinary, and not quite as ambitious, but a number of those ordinary ladies — I include myself in that group — get a glimpse of all the stuff they could be doing and it makes us dream of doing more. (My friend Sassymonkey attended the conference as well, and she wrote a very cool post about how she wants to Do More.)

My goal has always been to inspire people through my writing. I’ve gotten away from that goal in the past year, but I feel like I might be inching my way back.

Wanting to inspire people doesn’t mean I want you to do the same things I do. Let’s face it — even though I like my life, I could be doing much cooler things than what I’m currently doing. I’m working on a Life List but I haven’t been brave enough to publish it. If it’s published, that means I’m ready for people to hold me accountable to it.

But I’ve been thinking I should get my Life List out of draft form and publish it already. I want to start working through it. I want it to inspire me. I want to be a better, smarter, more adventurous person.

Through my actions and writing I want to inspire other people, just like some of those women at BlogHer inspired me last week.

After the conference, BlogHer Community Manager Denise Tanton said that we are more powerful than we think. Here’s a snippet:

You. Are. Powerful.

But many of you don’t know it — or don’t recognize it — or don’t own your power.

I cannot count how many times I heard one of you brush off a compliment, earnestly given. I cannot tell you how many times I heard a woman, shyly and almost apologetically, talk about what she writes about. I cannot count how many times I saw talented writers uncomfortable when another woman praised her blog. I cannot count how many times I saw women uncomfortable with their own success.

At one point when I was at the conference, someone complimented me on something — I honestly don’t remember what it was, but I think it was something I was wearing — and I downplayed it. Afterward I thought to myself, “You should have just said THANK YOU.” It’s what I normally do. It’s what I strive to do. If someone gives you a compliment, take it.

However, I am guilty of not thinking that I’m powerful. Don’t get me wrong: I have pretty good self esteem and I’m proud of my independence. But would I call myself powerful? I’ve never used that word to describe myself before, but I’d really like to change that. To me, power is a feeling I’ll have within myself, not a goal to control or have influence over other people.

I want to feel comfortable saying that I’m powerful.

A few days ago, I made it official — I wrote a farewell email that was sent to all of my fellow BlogHer writers. One of the responses I received almost made me change my mind. She said: “You’re irreplaceable. There is a huge hole in the Love and Sex category and nothing will ever fill it like you did…Your posts were my favorite. When I got a divorce and started to get back in the game, it was you I looked to. I’m going to miss your voice and adventures.”

I don’t know what to say to that. I haven’t been able to write her back yet — whenever I think about doing so, I feel like I’m going to cry. It’s humbling when you realize your writing has made an impact on somebody else’s life.

But even with that knowledge, and as much as that woman’s words (and similiar words from other people) mean to me, I know this is the right decision. Like other big decisions I’ve made in my life, I took some time to make sure this is what I really wanted to do and then I acted on it.

I can’t continue to write just because other people want me to. I did that for months, and it got to the point where writing wasn’t enjoyable anymore. I felt like I was searching for something…anything…to write about. I was writing because I felt like I had to — because I had a deadline and an obligation — and nobody wants that to be the reason they write.

The funny thing is, I used to enjoy sharing details about my life. For years, it was normal for me to write a post at least every few days. About a year ago something changed — I continued to write my weekly posts for BlogHer, but any other posts on my personal blog became pretty much nonexistent. There wasn’t one overwhelming reason for that, but I have a few hypotheses.

For one thing, I feel like I’ve become more private in my slightly-older years. There have certainly been times in the past when I wanted to limit certain people from accessing my blog. (For instance, there was that time years ago when my then-boyfriend’s ex-wife was reading my blog and used certain things I said for ammunition against him.) And in the past few years that I’ve been online dating, there’s been more than one instance where a guy Googled me and found my blog before we’d even met in person. I’ve never been ashamed of my writing, but I didn’t necessarily like that a guy could know so much more about me than I knew about him. However, I continued to write even after those examples so they weren’t the sole reason for this decision.

Another reason I stopped writing for BlogHer is because I’ve been writing about being a single 20-something for over three years. I started when I was 26 and last week I turned 30. For years, when people asked me what I write about for BlogHer, I told them “I write about being a 20-something single woman.” And truthfully? I was opposed to changing that line to “I write about being a 30-something single woman.” When my 30th birthday rolled around, it seemed like a good time to make a change.

But that wasn’t the sole reason, either. I didn’t stop writing for BlogHer just because I’m newly-30 and single. (For God’s sake, I’ve always said that I’d rather be happy and single — both of which I am right now — than unhappy and coupled. That will always remain the case.) The lovely people at BlogHer said they wanted me to stick around and that I was welcome to write about an entirely new topic if I preferred.

I said no. I just can’t do it right now.

The reason I stopped writing for BlogHer is this: I did a lot of stuff in my 20s and I have a feeling my 30s are going to be just as full, if not more so. I want to keep myself open for new adventures and opportunities, and part of that process has involved making changes to things that marked my 20s. For instance, in the past few months leading up to my birthday I moved back into an apartment by myself, cut my hair shorter than I’ve had it in many years, and went off to Europe for two weeks. As it turns out, I needed to include the BlogHer gig in that list, too.

My personal blog has been a lot of things for me over the past eight years. It’s been a public diary. A place for friends and family to keep up with my life even though I don’t see or talk to them every day. A place for me to meet new people, some of which have become irreplaceable real-life friends. A place for me to let the world (at least those who take the time to read my words) know what’s going on in my head.

My personal blog will remain public for the time being, and I will continue (at least for right now, I’m planning to continue) to update it once in a while. I’ve even been told that I’m still welcome to write for BlogHer in the future if I feel like it.

Over the years, people have asked me when I thought I might stop blogging. I’ve asked myself that same question, but it was impossible to know the answer. After taking this step, I must admit, I feel like I’m a little closer.

Why do I feel differently about blogging in my 30s than I did about blogging in my 20s? I don’t know, but I intend to explore the answer to that question.

Utrecht, Netherlands

The Hague, Netherlands. These are my lovely Dutch friends.

Berlin, Germany. A girl watching a street festival.

Prague, Czech Republic

Vienna, Austria. (This duck almost attacked me right after this photo was taken. I got up quickly.)

Budapest, Hungary

In closing…I had a lot of fun!